how i know i'm warped
My friend Brian "Crusty Tummy" Zimmerman sent me a link to this picture today, completely out of the blue. I clicked on it, and the picture came up-- normal enough. There they are, four hippos sitting around, one of them seemingly passed out on its back, with that caption underneath. Okay, fine.
Well, it took me a good 3 minutes to figure out the joke. Now hold on a sec, I'm not that big of an idiot. I got the
Hungry Hungry Hippos reference right away, naturally. However, after reading the caption I spent the next two minutes trying to figure out where the humor was. I didn't see any Hippo dicks anywhere, there was no miming of masturbation or freaky sexual positions being assumed by the hippos, and the word 'marbles' was not meant to be slang for 'testicles.' What the hell was going on here??? I automatically assumed that there was some bizarre, freaky, S&M type "Real Sex" shit going on in the picture that was so advanced that even
I had no idea what it was. The following IM conversation ensued:
Buffoon668: i don't get it.
Schpadoinkezimm: I'm in a cute G rated humor mode right now.
Buffoon668: wow
Now what does it say about me that I couldn't even appreciate a stupid little hippo cartoon? What does it say about me that when I read the phrase "i just lose it" I immediately began to search the picture for some Hippo Cum? Where did it all go so horribly wrong? The easy answer is "probably high school," but I think it goes back much further than that.
I remember sitting at the lunch table in the fourth grade, telling jokes. I'm sure we told clean jokes here and there, but I doubt it. All of my favorite jokes revolved around sex, bodily functions, and nudity. I actually don't remember all of the jokes, but here's what I do remember:
- "Mommy, mommy, turn on your headlights, daddy's trying to park his motorcycle in your garage."
- Why did the condom fly around the world? He was pissed off.
- I don't remember the joke, but at the end the woman's breasts kill a Chinese man after he says "I beg you a thousand pardons."
- Me Chinese, me play joke, me go pee pee in your coke.
- There was one about a guy with a gigantic penis, but sadly that's all I can recall
- Hmm. There was an 'I'll show you mine if you show me yours' joke too. I remember I liked that one.
Well, I guess I don't remember the jokes too well at all. But the point is, I guess we were all warped back then too. Of course, at the age of 9 I probably would have laughed at the Hippo cartoon instead of searching for Hippo ejaculate, but what can you do? At least I hope I would have.
So I decided that I'm going to try to be G-Rated for a while. Well, not on stage, but in life. I'm going to start reading Garfield comics, watch Saturday morning cartoons, and not swear as much. Maybe after a month or so of living like that it will clean my mind out, and I'll be a better person for it. Hey, I think that's what that Mormon Jeopardy guy did, and look at him now. I'm next, bitch!
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b at 2:14 PM
