A Manner Revolution
I think our social conduct is outdated. I mean, for the most part it's okay, but there are definitely some flaws. I thought I'd outline some new ideas and plans to make all our lives easier. Take a look, won't you...
ELEVATORS
The elevator rules need to be re-written. Sure, I'm an advocate for women and children first... in a sinking ship. On an elevator, I think it's a little unnecessary. How about-- ready for this one-- whoever is closest to the door when it opens gets the fuck out! I know, it's crazy, but hear me out: it will work. I don't understand why we have to manipulate ourselves like Tetris cubes when the elevator hits the lobby floor. It's confusing, and it's messing with our heads. The other day I was in an elevator with all dudes, and when it stopped nobody moved. We all just kind of looked at each other-- nobody wanted to be the first one to go. So it inadvertently turned into a test of one's manhood. I wasn't going to budge until the less masculine men left before me. Eventually, we all just whipped out our packages and determined who got to leave last based on size. I'm still there (writing this on a laptop).
REVOLVING DOORS
There's no winning when it comes to revolving doors. I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that guys are supposed to go through first in order to get them moving so a girl doesn't have to exert too much energy. That makes sense. Yet, whenever I dart in front of a girl to get the sucker moving, I feel like a prick. So I decided the only solution is to get right up behind a girl AC Slater style and help her push. Sure, you'll be invading her personal space, but that never stopped Albert Clifford when he taught girls how to play pool, did it? The answer is no.
CO-ED BATHROOMS
How about this for a deal, ladies. We'll promise you exactly one (1) lid move. That's it. If it's down when we walk in, we'll lift it up so we don't pee all over the seat. And if it's up when we walk in, we'll put it down before we leave. We'll give you one move, and we won't ask for anything in return. Just don't give us evil looks or loud moans when you get in there and the seat is up. It's up for you... remember that.
EATING FRENCH FRIES
If you're eating something with your hands (i.e. a burger) then you can use your hands to eat your french fries. If you're eating something that requires a fork (i.e. a steak) then you must use your fork to eat your fries. However, if you're eating a steak with your hands, then you can only eat your fries with your face.
GOD BLESS YOU
God Bless You, or G'blessya, or Blessya, standards should still be enforced. However, if somebody says 'God Bless You' after you cough, you should be obligated to respond, "That was a cough, you fucking idiot." If you don't use tough love they may never learn the difference, and the last thing you want is for somebody to be God Blessing you after every bodily action. Also, people should be encouraged to make certain designated areas "No Bless You" zones. My roommate and I have declared our apartment a No Bless You zone. So, if the two of us are sitting around and one of us sneezes, the other one is not only NOT required to say "God Bless You," he gets openly chastised if he does.
TRYING TO GET A DRINK AT THE BAR
Anything goes. 'Ladies first' does not apply here, because if that were the case men would never drink anything ever again. Women already have several unfair advantages when it comes to getting a drink (Namely: Breasts), so guys should be encouraged to do whatever they have to do. Forget chivalry on this one. And if you start feeling bad about it, just remember that odds are you're going to end up buying a girl a drink before the night is over, so it all evens out. Right?
HOOKERS
Hooker etiquette has remained the same, however you should not forget to tip your hooker. Amazingly, they go by the same tip scale that hair stylists go by, so just refer to that.
THE SUBWAY
There is no place on Earth where your manners and common decency is tested more than on the subway. First, let me draw out for you the subway hierarchy:
Homeless People
Pregnant Women
Old Women
Really Hot Women
Women With Children
Physically Disabled People
Really Old Men
Everybody Else
From top to bottom, this list goes from "Most Likely To Give Up Your Seat For" to "Least Likely To Give Up Your Seat For." Some people might be surprised that Homeless People top the list, but I would give a Homeless Person my seat before a Pregnant Lady because he's slightly more likely to stab me in the head.
Also, it was a tough decision on where to place Really Hot Women. They were almost left off the list, because according to the MTA,
pretty girls don't ride the subway. But I digress.
I propose that we shuffle the order. The new hierarchy would be something like this:
Homeless People
Everybody Else
From there, we'll take it on a case by case basis. Because nothing should be absolute. And because every once in a while Pregnant Women like to stand up, while Everybody Else is tired and wants to sit the fuck down.
Just an idea.
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b at 4:44 PM
