The Marrying Man
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the average age for a first marriage in the United States is 26. This really scares me, considering I'm turning 25 in a month and don't have any prospects. I better get off my ass and find myself a wife, quick.
This isn't going to be easy. Just to play it safe, I've set up a gameplan for the next 12 months, outlining a surefire way to find myself a wife by 26.
JANUARY
January is going to be my last month of "single life," which essentially means my last month of bothering girls at bars and going home alone. I'm going to enjoy this month though, not answering to anybody, and drunkenly calling ex-girlfriends and telling them how much I miss them. Also, I will finally get that ever elusive threesome out of the way, making it that much easier for me to settle down.
FEBRUARY
This is perfect. I'm going to lay low for the first two weeks, but come the 14th (Valentines Day) I'm hitting the town hard. That night, or the following weekend, I'm going to find an extremely attractive, wonderful lady who's recently come to the realization that she's lonely and seeking true love. I am then going to take advantage of this lady, and go into March promising that
this was going to be the month that I really start getting serious.
MARCH
I am going to waive my "don't bother girls on the subway and don't bother girls at starbucks" clause. Sadly, all this is going to result in is more girls being bothered on the subway and in starbucks.
APRIL
Through a friend, I am going to meet my ideal woman in April. She will be exactly what I'm looking for, and I will know it immediately. Of course, she will have a boyfriend. I will decide to assume that she's not happy with said boyfriend, and make it my goal in life to get her.
MAY
Frustrated that 1/4 of the year has already passed and I am still wife-less, I will give up my pursuit of the girl with the boyfriend. As it turns out, she wasn't nearly as unsatisfied as I decided she was. I will spend the rest of May wallowing in my misery.
JUNE
I will begin dating a girl in June. She's not exactly what I'm looking for, but she'll do.
JULY
My friends are going to remind me that I should end things with the girl. They'll say, "She's not right for you. You're looking for a wife, remember? You should end things before it gets too serious." I'll agree.
AUGUST
My girlfriend and I start talking about moving in together. Sure it's only been 2 months, but her lease expires in September. I mean, she spends practically every night at my place anyway... and I don't find her nearly as annoying now as I did in the beginning. It would just make sense if she moved in, that's all.
SEPTEMBER
After brushing off living-together conversations during the last 2 weeks of August, the girlfriend is forced to move in with an old college roommate that she never really liked. She resents me for this. When I write the number "9" on my rent check I realize that it's already September, and I'm stuck in a dead-end relationship. I break things off on September eleventh, for dramatic effect.
OCTOBER
The friend of a friend breaks up with her boyfriend! This is incredible! Turns out that it happened in the middle of September, and she's been laying low ever since. I'm warned to play it cool, because this guy really broke her heart or something. I do as told. When I'm told that the girl will be out on Halloween, I'm psyched.
OCTOBER 31st/NOVEMBER
I spend most of Halloween talking to the girl. She's dressed as Alice In Wonderland, while I'm wearing a white lab coat with a nametag that says "Vagina Inspector." We bond over the fact that we both broke up with our significant others in September, and talk about how hard it's been. Of course, it wasn't that hard for me, but she doesn't have to know that. But anyway. After a lot of talking, and a lot of Jell-O shots, we share our first kiss during a walk from one bar to another. It's perfect. Rather than go to the bar, we hail a cab and go back to her place. She falls asleep during the ride. When we get to her apartment I walk her to her bed, tuck her in, kiss her on the forehead, and go to sleep on the couch. I don't even touch her boobs in the process, because she's special.
The next morning is a little awkward, but still nice. We get breakfast, and end up spending the day together. It's great. When I leave that night I tell her I'll call her "later," but I know I'm calling her the next day. I do. Things are great for a couple of weeks, until the ex-boyfriend comes back in the picture. She distances herself from me for what seems like an eternity while she settles things with the ex. I pretend that I'm doing the same thing with my ex-girlfriend, but the truth is I'm actually just masturbating a lot.
DECEMBER
She apologizes for making herself unavailable. We start spending all of our time together. Our friends tell us how perfect we are for one another, and in private we agree. I bring her home for Hanukkah, while I meet her family on Christmas. Deep down we know that this is it. We have found true love, just in time. A few weeks before my 26th birthday, and a few days after her 19th. Things are perfect.
Then, on New Years Eve, just to be safe, I impregnate her.
Done.
So I think this should work. If you're also almost 26, feel free to print this up and use it as an outline. Just make sure we don't have any of the same mutual friends, okay, because I didn't account for that.
I'd say "wish me luck," but clearly I don't need it. Here goes nothing.
|
b at 4:48 PM
