myblogisPoop

an affair to remember

a quick link for everybody to check out. This is The Affair. If you want to be a cool New York hipster and brag about liking a band 'before they make it big,' here's your chance.

Click Here.

I think these guys are great. Granted, I happen to be friends with the drummer and the bass player, but that has nothing to do with it.

Download the songs. Trust me on this one.

The Affair seductively mine a fertile time in New York's musical history: the late 1970s/early 1980s period when sharp guitar nestled in with darting keyboards and assertive vocals to create some of the most brittle yet beautiful tunes ever (Think Blondie's 'Call Me' and 'Heart of Glass') In fact, singer Kali Holloway shares a definite vocal style with Debbie Harry – but her intriguing vocal ticks make the songs all her own.
--Joshua Kruter, rockfeedback.com

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b at 5:27 PM

No, Call Me

So I happened to catch the most AMAZING movie last night. What movie? That would be Call Me: The Rise and Fall of Heidi Fleiss.

Forget about what you've read. Forget about the Negative Four Stars the NY Post gave it. This movie is in a league of its own. It has the three ingredients that any truly great movie needs.

1) A Hot, Bad Lead Actress - That role is tackled masterfully by the lovely Jamie-Lynn DiScala, playing Heidi Fleiss. Not since Kristi Ducati took the role of "Melissa" in The Bikini Carwash Company has a lead actress struggled so mightily with the art of delivering lines and exuding emotion. I honestly can't say that I saw this coming. I mean, I watch the Sopranos every week, and now I guess I understand why she's never been given more than 6 lines in an episode. She's so bad in Call Me, that you almost stop finding her attractive. But then, she goes and shows her ass, and all is forgiven. Which leads us to number 2...

2) Nudity, Partial Nudity, and Hardcore F'n - No shortage of the three in this movie. Honestly, I can't believe what USA got away with, especially in this post-nipple world. I mean, just name the position and Bam! there's Jamie-Lynn taking it like a pro. Doggy Style. Missionary. Cow Girl. Reverse Cow Girl. I think I even saw a Blumpkin in there somewhere. Seriously. Just the fact that there was implied Oral Sex goes to show you how far we've come. I mean, when I was 14 and watching Skinemax until 5 in the morning they didn't even allude to oral sex. We've come a long way.

(on a quick side note: I think overall, we've come a long way with nudity since I was a kid. When you walk down the street in NYC and pass a newsstand, you see EVERYTHING on the cover of those seedy mags. Full out nips, right there on the cover. This is definitely new. When we were kids, the models on the cover always covered up a little bit. I guess they ran out of ways to cover up a nipple. A strategically placed hand. A rose. A ham sandwich. It gets old. Sorry, back to the story)

Actually, with all the nudity, partial nudity, and sexual situations you see in the movie, the thing that shocked me the most was when Jamie-Lynn gives somebody the finger... and they DON'T Blur it! Take that MTV. Anyway, back to the sex. In one scene, a Hollywood Producer has three call girls at the same time. The Producer can't get it up, so Jamie-Lynn begins telling an erotic story to feed his ego, while the other two please him. This brings us to the third ingredient.

3) Corbin Bernsen - I mean, check out this man's body of work: Major League, Tales From The Hood, Major League 2, The Great White Hype, The Dentist, The Dentist 2, Final Payback, and Major League: Back To The Minors. The guy is a can't miss, safe bet. I can see Corbin making a John Travolta-esque comeback in the next couple of years. Because, after all, it is almost time for another Major League movie.

So, in conclusion, Linda Stassi doesn't know what she's talking about when she says "Horrible script, horrible acting, horrible direction. Horrible period." This movie is a once in a lifetime masterpiece. I'm sure USA will replay this over and over again, so do yourself a favor and tape it. Or TiVo it. Or DVR it. Whatever. Just do yourself a favor and watch it.

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b at 3:29 PM

my two week notice

Ladies and gentlemen, loyaly blog readers, I have a bit of news for you. Today, I was offered a job on your favorite show and mine, Best Week Ever. Needless to say, I'm completely excited and pumped! I'm going to be an Associate Producer on the most culturally significant, humorous, and entertaining show on VH1 since Pop-Up Video. That's saying a lot.

So, with good news, also comes bad. I've been told repeatedly by my friends working on the show that it's a lot busier and more hectic than other shows I've worked on. While I'm looking forward to the challenge, I also realize some concessions have to be made. So, on that note...

My Blog Is Poop, as you know it, will come to an end in 2 weeks. I'll let that sink in.

Are you okay? I'll give you another second.

Okay, how about now? Great. Now don't freak out, because I'm not going to completely throw in the towel just yet. I mean, I do have a laptop at home, and if I ever figured out how to use the internal wireless card to hook up at Starbucks, I'd be in the clear. But since I am mildly retarded, I wouldn't put too much stock in that. Ideally, I'm still going to try to post during the day a few times a week, however, it's unlikely you're going to get the plethora of information and entertainment you've grown accustomed to.

I know a lot of emotions are running through your head right now. Hurt. Anger. Hurt & Anger together. Fear. Confusion. Curiosity. Arousal.

If you go back to my first Blog entry ever, you'll see that I state that my goal is to "get on Best Week Ever." Of course, then, I meant on the air. Instead, I'll be behind the scenes. But still, amazingly, somehow, in this crazy, mixed up world of ours, I ended up getting exactly what I wanted. I'm going to be on Best Week Ever.

So enjoy this stupid website to the fullest over the next two weeks. I promise to give it my all, and entertain the 7 of you that are bored enough to check this out a couple of times a day. Thank you.

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b at 5:04 PM

Donald Trump Didn't Invent "You're Fired." My Old Bosses Did.

Saturday night, the roommate and I got to talking about our past jobs. He said that 'just for fun' he made a list of every place he's ever worked. Now, since I've gotten around like a drunken sorority pledge, I thought it'd be fun to do the same. But I'll one up him by also including my reason of departure.

Hallmark - FIRED - Ahh, my first job. Sixteen years old and working at the Nanuet Mall. Granted, working at a greeting card store wasn't the most masculine thing in the world, but it wasn't so bad. I was there during the whole Beanie Baby craze, so I got my fill of crazy middle-aged women who would line up as we opened the store in the morning. My biggest problem with this job was the fact that I couldn't (and still can't) wrap presents. I'm like an autistic monkey. It's a mess. I actually had customers walk into the back room and offer to help me. I ended up getting fired because I stopped showing up. That's going to be a theme...

Candy Mountain Day Camp - 2 Summers - I was a damn good counselor. However, I did trick a 6-year-old into eating a potentially poisoned berry once, but it was an accident. Wataru, a Japanese boy who didn't really speak English, was following me around one morning. I decided it would be funny if I pulled a berry off a tree and pretended to eat it. He laughed. Ten minutes later I feel a tug on my shirt. I look down and Wataru looks up at me and says "I Eat Berry," and starts laughing. I rushed him to the nurse, thinking 'there's no way I'm not getting fired for this.' The nurse asked him, "Wataru, why did you eat that berry?" He looked up at me, but luckily, Wataru didn't speak enough English to answer her. He just shrugged his shoulders. Whew.

Orangeberg Day Camp - 1 Summer - No poisoned berries, but I did crack a kid's head open once. Whoops.

The Gap - QUIT, SORTA - I hated the Gap. I never told them when I turned 18, so legally they had to let me leave at midnight during the holiday season, which was great. So, I did quit, however, I failed the test to get hired back. The summer after my freshman year of college I needed a job, so I went back. I had to take a test over the phone, which I thought was stupid. So I sit down, and the first question is something like "Do you steal things?" Press 1 for yes, 2 for no. Easy enough, I press two. The next question was the same deal. 1 for yes, 2 for no. Piece of cake. I just pressed two a whole bunch of times and went home. Turns out, midway through the test they switch it up. Who knows what I said yes to? "Do you hate midgets?" 1 for no, 2 for yes.

Sentry 2000 - QUIT - Telemarketing. I was great. It was an alarm company, so I would call businesses and set up appointments. When I got desperate, I would call laundromats or Chinese restaurants and trick them into agreeing to see somebody. I'm a bastard.

Pizza City - DOESN'T COUNT - I delivered pizzas once or twice. No sex, though.

Sandy's Parties - QUIT - Yes, I dressed up like Big Bird for kid's birthday parties. Only a couple of times though, I swear.

Successories - QUIT - You know those inspirational posters at work? Like, a bunch of guys in a canoe, rowing, and right below it says "Teamwork" or something stupid like that. Yeah, I sold those.

TGI Friday's - FIRED - I worked there during it's heydey. Flair, suspenders, hats. It was great. I got fired for skipping work one day to see a movie at Bryant Park. Oh well.

Towson University Student Ambassador - I consider this a job only because I got paid. I was the best tour guide there. I made sure all the good looking girls really wanted to go to Towson. I did get in trouble, though, because for my TV Show we thought it would be funny if we sabotaged a tour. I was the guide, and my friend Mark pretended to be a potential student. Midway through the tour, cast member Joe Vales ran out from the woods, grabbed Mark, threw him over his shoulder, and started yelling "I Got One!" and ran back into the woods with him. I doubt any of those kids are currently going to Towson.

Towson University Tiger - Yes, I was the mascot. One basketball game, about 1/2 a dozen appearances. Good times.

Rockland Fish Market - Four days of playing with fish. Not bad.

Padonia Station - FIRED - Actually, technically I was never even fired. I just stopped working at this classy-Friday's-esque establishment after Spring Break. I wonder if I'm still on the schedule.

Chef's Expressions - Probably the only job I'm ever going to have where I wear a tux to work. Catering is great. I served the Mayor of Baltimore a beer, and got a girl so drunk at a wedding that she was thrown out for freaking with the groom. True story.

MTV/VH1 - And here we are. Haven't been fired yet, nor have I stopped showing up. We'll see which comes first.

So that's all of them. I don't think I left any out. I did almost get a job selling vacuum cleaners door to door, which would have been a great addition to the list. But, alas, it was not meant to be. Who knows what would have happened if it worked out. I would be the best damn door to door vacuum cleaner salesman in upstate New York. Until I quit, or at least, until I stopped showing up. We'll never know.

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b at 12:15 PM

Warning!

Do Not, I repeat, Do Not Fuck The Elderly.

You've been warned.

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b at 2:53 PM

I Love Scotch. Scotchy Scotch Scotch.

It's hard for me NOT to watch this at least once a day.

I'm very excited this morning. Thanks to the magic of craigslist, I too will be attending the Stellastarr*, The Killers, and Ambulance Ltd. concert next week. Now, all I have to do is travel up to 116th and Broadway to meet the chick selling me her ticket. So, actually, there's a 50% chance I'm going to the show and a 50% show I'm going to be murdered and thrown into the Hudson River. I'll take either, I'm not picky.

In other news, I got beat up again. Damn Richard Simmons. He's a lot bigger in person.

And finally, I have no doubt that Wham! The Musical will be the best thing to ever hit Broadway. I guess Andrew Ridgeley got tired of sleeping on the sidewalk in front of Mama Mia and inspiration struck. I wonder, though, how could you do a musical with only two songs? Did Wham! record anything BUT "Wake Me Up Before You Gogo" and "Careless Whisper?" God, I hope not.

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b at 10:55 AM

Please Don't Hurt Em

Sorry for the delay, but believe it or not I've had things to do today. I'm going to make this brief, and hopefully I'll be back before the day is over. So, without further adieu...

I saw MC Hammer today.

Right here, by my desk, getting interviewed for some show. It was a touchstone moment in my life. When I was 10 years old, I was a Huuuuggggeeee MC Hammer fan. Not only did I own Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em, I flat out wanted to BE MC Hammer. Now, that's a pretty big step for a suburban white kid growing up in Pearl River (nickname: Pearly White River). I didn't know any black kids at the time because there weren't any in my grade. We had a couple of Indian kids and a bunch of Asians, but up until MC Hammer, the closest thing I had to a black role model was Panthro on Thundercats. MC Hammer came along in 1990 and changed all of that.

So it was great to see MC Hammer today (I refuse to call him Hammer, he will always be an MC in my heart). Rapper. Musician. Preacher. Civil Rights Activist.

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b at 2:00 PM

Finally, people I relate to

Every once in a while I stumble upon things on the internet that blow my mind. And I know what you're thinking, no, not just porn things, but other things too. Today I found, by far, the best thing I've ever seen. I hope you're sitting down, because what I'm about to say is going to knock you on your ass. Ready?

The Earth is flat.

I know, I'm just as surprised as you are. We've been lied to all our lives. Luckily, the people at the Flat Earth Society weren't as ignorant and stupid as we were. They figured out the truth, while we blindly trusted what we were told. I mean, once you check out the FAQ section, you realize that we were fools.

What is the Earth's shape?
The Earth is flat. It is shaped in the form of a pentagon, and thus has five corners.

How are continents located on the Flat Earth.
Generally, the "southernmost" continents are on the outside, whereas the "northern" ones are on the inside.

What is at the south pole?
The Edge of the World. It is surrounded, at least in places, by a huge mountain range.

What about gravity?
Gravity is a lie invented by the purveyors of the inherently false spherical Earth theory. The theory of gravity has never been proven. There is no gravity, only inertia. The Earth moves through space like a giant elevator. We do not fall off because we are kept down by inertia. The Earth has inertia.
There is a school of thought which states, however, that the Earth does not move through space, but rather that it rests on the back of a giant turtle, and that what we call gravity is, in fact, the turtle's animal magnetism.

I am filling out my application to join the Flat Earth Society as we speak. It makes sense, right? They made some great points. I actually got detention once for insisting that the Earth rested on the back of a giant turtle-- turns out I was right. Ha! I demand that all my elementary school science teachers dig up their old grade books and fix my grades.

So, from this day forward, I am going to be a spokesperson for the Flat Earth Society. I know this decision won't make my life any easier. I might be mocked. My kids might get made fun of. They'll probably get beat up. Hell, one might even get thrown off the edge of the Earth (because, as we've learned, it is possible). But I won't be bullied around by the media and popular opinion any longer.

Flat Earth 4 Life!!!

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b at 3:44 PM

War On The Handicapped

They say you can't pick your enemies... which sucks. Because if it were up to me, I would've totally picked Sheikh Ahmed Yassin instead of ObL. Wouldn't you? I know Yassin was an evil dude; a scary, ugly, spiritual leader and constant terror threat. Not a guy you'd want to go to a free Hanson concert with. But Ol dirty Laden is so much worse, for one simple reason: Brutha can walk.

Be honest. If you were able to pick your enemies, wouldn't the first criteria be- "handicapped?" Don't be politically correct, be realistic. If you were in a bar and you had to pick the person to go up against in a bar fight, wouldn't you choose the guy with one leg? If you said 'no,' you deserve to get your ass kicked (by a fully fuctional, two-legged biker.)

I guess you have to congratulate Israel for finally achieving their goal and eliminating their number one enemy. But I'm only going to give them half credit. Because we would have definitely gotten ObL by now if he was sneaking around the caves and mountains of Afghanistan in a big old wheelchair. Even a motorized one.

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b at 10:42 AM

Why I Work Here

Aside from the benefits, the invaluable work experience, the random celebrity sightings, and the above average looking girls, there are two other great perks to working at VH1/MTV.

First, today Nelson and I have pulled about 20 amazing music videos to peruse. Videos include:

Everything by Pulp
Ben Lee
Joey Lawrence
Oasis
Cody Chestnutt
The Flaming Lips
Cake
The Flys
Neil Young
Weezer
Radiohead
and last but not least
Hanson

and speaking of Hanson. Behold the second reason I work here:

3 time Grammy nominees, HANSON are coming to VH1. The band's new record, "Underneath" will be out April 20th on their own label, 3CG Records. Their last record, 'This Time Around' was critically acclaimed and sold over a million copies. They first came onto the scene with their 3X Platinum "Middle of Nowhere" in 1997. Now living in NYC, HANSON will be stopping by the 20th Floor lobby to share some new songs (including the new single "Penny and Me") and maybe, just mmmaybe they'll play some older stuff....

I don't know what the best part of that is, the fact that I'm excited that Hanson lives in NY, or the fact that the email tries to "tease" their older stuff. They have built up quite a catalog of hits over the past 6 years, so needless to say I'm crossing my fingers that they play "I Will Come To You."

The second part of the email, that I cannot leave out (not counting the picture, because I still haven't figured out how to post pictures-- but trust me, it's hysterical) is this quote, courtesy of Details magazine.

"Nobody figured that maybe - just maybe, HANSON would be the saviors of rock" - Details Magazine, March '04

And I will leave you with that, because there is absolutely nothing I could write that is funnier than that. Except that I agree.

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b at 5:13 PM

Hillary Duff is a Bitch

I don't know what I'm going to write here, I just thought it would be fun to type that title. She must be a bitch, though, if the ever reliable and trustworthy folks at Page Six are telling the truth. Now, it seems that Duff is beefing with the very, very talented Avril Lavigne. Uh oh. God forbid this should turn violent and deny the world another Avril album. Or another Duff album. God, there's so much talent on the line here, I'm really starting to worry. If I were Duff, I would pull a Pac and head into the studio asap to start laying down some tracks, pronto, because Avril is pissed!

I think one of the reasons I want to be famous is so I could feud with somebody. Right now, the closest think I have to an enemy is anybody at work that tells me to turn my music down. But if I were famous, I could call out anybody. It would be great.

INT: Bob, how are you enjoying your new found fame?
ME: Well, it's great. I really don't have anything to complain about, I love it. However, I do hate Mario Lopez.
INT: Mario Lopez of 'Saved by the Bell?' Why?
ME: His dimples always creeped me out. And where does he get off dating the Doritos girl? I mean, c'mon. He's a joke. Hey Mario, if you're reading this, eat shit!

Of course, I happen to love Mario Lopez, but it would be fun to start a feud with A.C. Slater, just to read about it in Page 6. Don't you think he would flattered? Man, I need to be famous.

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b at 11:33 AM

Things I'm Looking Forward To

Tonight - Dinner with the GF followed by hours of getting drunk together.
Tomorrow Night - Nelson's B-Day at Antarctica (the bar.) Open bar, tons of drinking.
Sunday - Pearl River St. Patrick's Day Parade. There might be a lot of drinking. Okay, there will be.
Monday - Rehab.

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b at 3:31 PM

I Want To Be The Guy Next Door of The Girl Next Door

If you know me, which I'm assuming everybody reading this does, you probably know by now that I am dying to see The Girl Next Door. And not because it's getting good word of mouth, or because it's being compared to Risky Business, but because of one thing: Elisha Cuthbert. Mmmmmm Elisha.

Being a huge fan of 24, it's no surprise that this Elisha Cuthbert crush developed. I mean, check her out. She's everything I look for in a girl, minus the fact that she's older than 19. Dammit.

Unfortunately, I think I'm too old to still have big crushes on celebrities, so my Elisha fascination will have to remain minimal (or, at least, hidden). However, were I a few years younger, Elisha could easily rank with the best of them. I've only had x number of celebrity crushes in my life, and here they are in order:

Meg Ryan - She was my first. Sleepless In Seattle, 1993, Meg was unbeatable. So cute. So innocent. Now she looks like a retarded puppy. Such a shame.

Cameron Diaz - This began after seeing The Mask. She was blonde, big breasted, and incredibly sexy in that movie. She's still blonde.

Gwenyth Paltrow - I still don't really understand this one. She's pretty, sure, but definitely nothing special. Maybe I thought she was attainable after she broke up with Brad Pitt. I'm the next logical step, right? Pitt - Me - Affleck. At least I wouldn't have been the biggest tool.

And here's the big one. The one that, to this day, I haven't fully let go of:

Sarah Michelle Gellar - Go ahead and laugh at me. Say she's ugly and has a weird nose, I've heard it all before. You're wrong. My senior year of HS there was nobody hotter than SMG. I thought about Buffy 98% of my waking hours. Our love was deeper than a meaningless physical thing, I wanted to marry SMG. I thought she was out of my league, but then she goes and marries Freddie Prinze Junior, so I guess I had a shot after all. To this day, Sarah is the only celebrity I think I would actually make a fool of myself in front of. I have a feeling saying "Oh my God, I love you, I watched Buffy every week" isn't a good way to bag her. Actually, it's probably not a good thing to say to any girl. Pretend you didn't read that.

So that brings us back to Elisha. She'd obviously sit well on this list, but alas, I cannot do it. I'm 24 years old, it would be sad to keep this up. So now I have to live my life crushless. It's sad, really. Real quick, though, I feel I would be doing a disservice to you if I didn't include the following women and their role in my life:

Jenny McCarthy - the first woman that I ever truly wanted to f
Pamela Anderson - the runner up for that title
Marisa Tomei - who didn't?
Shirley Manson - one of the sexiest women ever
Julia Stiles - i've never been attracted to her, but I do lie and say I've slept with her, so she deserves a mention
Kim Smith - will go down in history as the hottest Maxim cover girl ever. What a title.
Angelina Jolie - do I even need to explain this one?
Beyonce - because "Bob is Bootylicious." The chemistry there was undeniable

This was probably more fun for me to write than for you to read, so I am sorry. But it's my stupid blog, and it is poop, so you were warned.

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b at 12:18 PM

The Ostrich Approach

I think I have a solution for what's been going on in the middle east. Now, it's not a perfect solution, however, I think it's better than a lot of other ideas that are going around. Well, every idea except the Peace Wall, or whatever they're calling it. I love the Wall. I love that as a people, no matter how far along we've come with technology and no matter how much more intelligent we are than our ancestors, still, the best idea we can muster up is to build a fucking wall. The Great Wall of China was built 200 years BEFORE CHRIST! They didn't even have the internet back then!

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. My solution. Here we go. I'm beginning to think that the terror in the middle east is not going to end. Every day another car bomb goes off, another building is destroyed, more people tragically die. It's the most depressing thing in the world. So my idea is, rather than try to fix it, which obviously isn't working, let's just ignore it. We can leave our troops there, just bring back our journalists. Our TV personalities. Our reporters. Let's keep the middle east out of our conscious at any cost necessary. The Ostrich Approach. We just stick our heads in the ground and wait for it to go away.

Or we can build a wall.

Your call.

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b at 11:48 AM

The Bin Laden Defense Rests

Okay, I feel like I have to comment on this since 2 people have sent me this link. For those of you who are too lazy to click it, a man in France claimed that he ran over somebody because he thought the guy was Osama bin Laden. Now I've never heard of this "Osama" guy, but I'm assuming he's a French pop star or something.

Anyway, I obviously think this story is great. I saw Osama bin Laden at a Knicks game once, but I didn't even think of attacking him. Apparantly I should have. But seriously, this guy better get locked up, otherwise everyone will start using the bin Laden Defense. It'd be too easy.

Phil Spector? Thought he shot bin Laden in the head.
Jayson Williams? That limo driver kinda sounded like bin Laden.
Kobe Bryant? Raped bin Laden for America.

Maybe it would be better if this guy does get off, because I have some coworkers who have been getting on my nerves lately that have started to resemble ObL as well...

Developing.

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b at 1:58 PM

Oh, Hello there...

Last night the GF took me to an Off-Broadway show. Now, I'm very open to new things, especially artsy new things. I've been to a decent amount of plays in my life-- several on Broadway, and a bunch of Off-Broadway shows thanks to field trips in high school. So, when the GF's Assistant Producer friend gave her two comp tickets for the first Preview of a show last night, I figured "why not."

Note: After reading the last paragraph, I'm realizing that I'm lying to you. I'm an asshole. Sure, I'm open to new things, but in all honesty, when the GF asked me if I was interested I did, in fact, roll my eyes and tell her she owed me if I went. Okay, back to the story.

The show was called "Well."

The first thing I said when it was over was "Well, that sucked."

I wanted to like it, I really did. The first bad sign was when I opened up the Playbill and this conversation occurred:

Me: Hmm, that's weird. How come that one Lady is the only one who's credited, and the other five people are listed as "ensemble."
GF: That means it's a one woman show.
Me: [removes concealed handgun; cocks trigger; holds it to temple] Bye honey.

Before I was able to end it all, an usher came over and asked us if we would like to move up to a couple of seats closer to the stage. I shook my head 'no,' the GF answered "yes." This was a terrible turn of events. I knew that if this one-woman show was bad, sitting in the back, I'd be able to keep myself entertained. I'm very simple like that. Instead, we get moved to the FRONT ROW. Dead Center. When the Chick ended up talking to the crowd, I knew she would be staring at Me. Wonderful. Okay, but still, I was keeping an open mind. Maybe Well would be, well, well. Well...

It wasn't. Trouble started the second the Chick started talking. (we're going to refer to as 'the Chick' for two reasons: 1) I have no clue what her name was, and 2) it's bound to piss someone off) Well, Well is the story of a woman's quest for mental health and her journey to beat her allergies, plus the problems she was having trying to deal with her elderly mother's penchant for sickness and hypochondria. All the while, tying that story into the tale of her mother's desire to integrate Negroes into the community during the 1950's to better the community. Deep. Real deep. Apparantly, allergies and racism are the same thing. Who knew? The one thing they had in common for me, was that by the end of the show I could care less about either of them.

I decided I had to write a one-man-play for one reason. I just want to write the part where one of the characters realizes the audiences is there. Do we really need that? It's by far the corniest thing on the planet. I love it. It always goes a little something like this.

CHICK
Mom? Mom, how are you doing?

MOM
Well, honey, I'm not feeling too well today. My back hurts and I feel like I
have to drop a deuce the size of [BEAT] Oh, hello there. My daughter didn't
tell me we'd be having company today.

Genius. If I ever write something like that, kill me. That is, assuming the GF doesn't take me to another awful show that leads me to taking my own life. We'll see.

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b at 11:09 AM

I have shin splints

This sucks.

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b at 2:44 PM

To Blog Or Not To Blog

I'm at a strange crossroad with My Blog Is Poop. First off, I think I'm losing interest. I knew that would happen, I even mentioned it in my first ever post. However, I still haven't reached my goal of getting on Best Week Ever. So I guess THE BLOG MUST GO ON.

The GF was relieved when I told her I was thinking about throwing in the towel after only 1 week of posting. Her exact quote was "Good, because that thing would have been the end of us." Well honey, I'm sorry, but THE BLOG MUST GO ON.

So, I guess I'm going to do this right. I promise you I'll update this site a few times a day if you promise to add it to your Favorites and check it out.

Deal.

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b at 10:46 AM

Hi, My Name Is... what?

Alright, so I've come to accept over time that I have a fairly non descript look. I say this because I'm constantly getting told that I look like people. Usually, it's somebody's cousin, or some guy in a math class, or someone's ex-boyfriend. It happens all the time, and it gets fairly annoying. Whenever I hear "i know you from somewhere" I immediately get defensive, because chances are you don't.

But being non descript definitely has its advantages, one being that I'm constantly told I look like celebrities. This has happened ever since I was a kid. Now, I don't think I look like anybody, and I think that most of these are pretty ridiculous, but I thought I'd list them for you.

Ralph Macchio - I got this a lot as a kid. Strangely enough, my college roommate looked exactly like Billy Zabka.

Adam Sandler - I mostly heard this in college when I would cut my own hair.

Matthew Broderick - Not only is this the one I get the most often, it is the one that I understand the least. When I was a camp counselor 8 years ago, a group of 10 year old girls would call me "Ferris." Hmm, I wonder what those girls are up to now.

Matt LeBlanc - When I first started working at MTV, a girl I worked with insisted I looked like him. She even called me Joey. I thought that maybe that would lead to some action, but of course, it did not.

Scott Ian (of Anthrax) - Only heard this once, from a really drunk girl at a party at UMD. I mean, c'mon. Aside from not being bald, and not having a goatee down to my nipples, I think we're twins. Don't you?

Bob Saget - moving on...

Henry Rollins without the muscles - This is how the old roommate described me to his friends after he heard me describe him as Billy Zabka.

and finally... okay, quick side note. There have been 2 things that have happened in my life that have made it difficult to be my friend.

1) My winning $75 and first place at a Stand Up competition in Towson. Because from that moment on, I was officially "$75 worth of funny" and "an award winning comedian." I'm such a dick. And...

2) At the first party we had senior year, a drunk freshman girl came over to me and said that I looked like... TOM CRUISE. Big mistake. Huge. I walked her around to everyone at the party and had her repeat what she just said. To this day, I tell people that I look like Tom Cruise. So to whoever said that, whatever your name was, I just want to thank you for making me that-much-more- unbearable to be around. I love you.

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b at 12:12 PM

3/4/04 12:23
By now, most of you know that I will be performing at Stand Up NY next Tuesday. I'm pretty nervous, because this will be the longest set I've ever performed, and it will probably be in front of the second biggest crowd I've ever performed for. Adding to my nervousness is the fact that I've never bombed, so I'm overdue. I did almost start a race riot once, but that was by accident.

The third time I ever did stand up was at a talent show in Towson. It was bar-none the worst show I've ever attended. It wasn't a comedy talent show, it was a real live talent show. I followed a guy singing karaoke. For real. The audience was bored and indifferent, and by the time I got on stage, I was bored and indifferent. Plus, there was a group of kids from the Black Student Union sitting in the back talking throughout all the performances.

I get on stage, and I'm just miserable. I start doing my routine, and the audience is responding, but I'm just not feeling it. And, the kids in the back won't stop talking. So midway through a joke I decided I needed to try to get the Black Student Union's attention so they would stop talking. I had one bad joke about how stupid white people are that I never planned on using (unless I got on BET). I decided I was going to tell that joke to win their approval. All I had to do was segue into it. And here's what I said:

"Hey, I see we have a pretty diverse crowd tonight. They're all sitting in the back."

Now, I had no idea what I just said, so I continued on with the joke. Silence. My friends' jaws dropped. I finished my set and walked back to my seat. When I sat down, my friend Matt leaned over and whispered, "I can't believe you just said that. That was your best joke of the night." I asked him what I said, and when he repeated it to me I felt horrible. Mainly because, sadly, that was my best joke of the night.

So if you do come out and see me perform next Tuesday, be warned; it might be dangerous. Bring protection.

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b at 1:09 PM

WEDNESDAY

3/3/04 3:58
This just in: Women are hard to please.
Basically, when asked to design a car, this is what they came up with: a gas-electric hybrid, maintenance-free car with dirt-repellant paint and glass, and sensors that guide the car for easier parking. And it only requires an oil change once every 31,000 miles. And it has theater seating. This sounds eerily familiar to another experimental car.

3/3/04 3:01pm
The big news today, of course, is that there is evidence that water existed on Mars. Big f-ing deal. There's water right here on Earth. I mean c'mon people, let's not be so friggin stupid. We don't need more water, like 70% of the earth is water already. We need more oil, duh. Maybe I'd be excited about this if they found gasoline, so it would cost less to fill up my Ford Focus. Am I right? Free Mumia!

3/3/04 11:30am
Okay, I'm sorry about that last post. I forgot about what I said yesterday: my life isn't exciting enough to keep a diary. That's not what this site is about. Instead, we're just going to talk about things going on.
So it's not going to surprise anyone when I say that Sin-e was overflowing with hipsters last night. I saw about 11 Strokes and 6 Beck's. Despite the fact that the place was far from overcrowded, I still got bumped into more than I've ever been in my entire life, which led me to conclude that hipsters can't walk. Probably because their stupid trucker hats are obstructing their vision. That's just a hunch.

Don't get me wrong, I know I sound harsh, but I actually love the whole hipster thing. I think that the hipster look for girls is the best thing to happen since the side ponytail. I love it. I remember going to a Weezer show in 1997, shortly after Pinkerton came out, and thinking that Weezer had both the hottest and ugliest fan of any band I had ever seen. Seven years later, I think that the hot fans evolved into hipsters, and the fat ones like Evanescence.

3/3/04 10:45am
Let me start by saying that you know it's going to be a good night when the first thing you see when you leave work is Don King walking out of your building holding an American flag. Amazing. It was straight out of Rocky 5. I kept looking over my shoulder to see if Tommy "Gun" Morrison was lurking around. He wasn't, but still, it's definitely a good sign seeing Don King. He is the only black cat that can cross your path that is the opposite of a black cat crossing your path.

Saw Starsky & Hutch at the Loews on 34th Street. So good. The only thing that kept it from reaching the Old School level of comedy was the PG-13 rating. Still, Owen puts in his best performance since his somehow-overlooked-by-the-Academy role in Meet The Parents, and it if you've ever doubted who the superior Wilson brother is, Owen puts that argument to rest. In fact, this movie makes you wonder: if you replace Luke with Owen in any movie, would it be better? The answer is yes.

After the movie, we stopped next door for some dinner at the Q. mmmmm Quiznos. Then I headed over to Sin-e to see The Affair. After some 'technical difficulties' the show finally started and they sounded really good. Then, something amazing happened: the lead singer got in a fight with a heckler. She started copping an attitude, saying stuff like "why don't you come on stage and play a song." It was great. You know in all those awful rock movies, like Rockstar, when the band is about to breakup and they have a huge meltdown on stage. That's what it felt like. I was waiting for the guitar player to take off his guitar and mumble "it's not worth it" and storm off. That didn't happen, but close.

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b at 1:03 PM

TUESDAY

3/2/04 4:53pm
I'm sure by now eveyone's heard about, or read about Major League Baseball and this whole steroid issue. Well, today the news broke that several players were given steroids by BALCO, including... Randy Velarde. Yes, that's right. I'll take a moment to let you digest that.

I mean, I can't say I'm surprised. Are you? I remember when Velarde hit those career high 16 home runs in 1999, thinking 'he must be on something' C'mon. And in 2002, when he was playing for Oakland, and he had those 2 RBIs. Total juice job.

This is really upsetting to me, not only because I'm a huge baseball fan, but because I feel bad for the kids out there. The fans. I'm sure Velarde has dozens of fans, 1 guy might even own a Velarde jersey. This must be hard for them. And it's going to be hard for parents to talk their kids out of trying steroids, now that these kids know that using could result in them putting up Velarde-like numbers.

So shame on you, Randy Velarde. Shame on you Benito Santiago. And shame on those other guys, whose names I can't remember, who also used steroids. I'm not so much angry as I am disappointed.

3/2/04 4:03pm
Well, as you can imagine, this site is taking the world by STORM. So far it's been up for about 4 hours, I've forced 5 people to look at it, and 3 of them have called me a loser. I can't argue.

So I'm going to Sin-E tonight to see The Affair, or as I like to call them, The Marc Pattini Project. I love The Affair. I just hope that the lead singer, Kali, is wearing a bra tonight, because when she's jumping around on stage those things are all over the place. I'm really worried that one day she'll be hopping around and one will actually fly off. They really do move in two different directions. They look like the eyeballs on those weird Quiznos creatures.
mmmm. quiznos.

3/2/04
Here is my blog. It will be funny. I will say humorous things that no doubt will eventually lead to me being on VH1's Best Week Ever. That is my goal.

Before anything, I think a need a super cool web name. Bob won't cut it. I need a name that is obviously ridiculous, and one that nobody would ever actually call me. I think I need this, so when I'm talking to my readers (you) I can suavely refer to myself in the third person. Like "Hey, *insert name* here, and boy, do I have news for you." You know, something like that.

Okay, so I need a name. I also need to figure out what I'm going to do here. I don't think I'm exciting enough to keep a diary, so that won't work. This is really just a new way for me to pass time here at work.

So, my blog is poop. It will be poop for quite some time. Then I'll get bored, forget the url, and never touch this page again. That's the sad truth.

In the meantime, this is ThunderDick signing off.

Nah.

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b at 1:01 PM

posting

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b at 1:00 PM