myblogisPoop

busy busy

Sorry for the lack of updates today, I'm trying to get all my work done so I could bow out early. Rumor has it, I'm getting a haircut tonight. First one in over a year... wow. I'm trying to go from the Albert Hammond Jr. look to something a little more Rhett Miller. We'll see how that works out.

The big news of the day was the MTV CD sale. MTV decided to see how much money they could squeeze out of their loyal employees by holding a CD sale and charging $1 for promotional CD's and singles that they would probably just eventually throw out. But hey, I'm not going to complain, I left with 10. They are:

Muse - Absolution
Placebo - Sleeping With Ghosts
Drive By Truckers - Southern Rock Opera
Fischerspooner - #1
The Damnwells - Bastards Of The Beat
Zwan - Mary, Star Of The Sea
Jesse Harris & The Ferdinandos - The Secret Sun
The Sleepy Jackson - Lovers
Electrasy - In Here We Fall
Little Richard - Get Down With It: The Okeh Sessions

I kinda wish that I forked over a couple of bucks in the name of irony. They did have Brett Michaels' solo album, as well as the Best Of Steve Perry. Damn! The Best of Steve Perry!!! What was I thinking???

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b at 3:33 PM

my disabled life

As you may recall, a couple of weeks ago I wrote about my trip to the optometrist. I talked about how I avoid going to doctors, how I hate dentists, and how Black Spring Break 2 is better than the original. Okay, I didn't talk about that, but that definitely deserves its own post one day. Anyway, there is only one other thing I put on the same level as going to the doctor, and it is something that I'm going to do when I leave work today: Go shopping for shoes.

I dread shopping for shoes. Dread it. Have my whole life too, for three big reasons. I don't like being waited on, I always make the wrong decision, and (this is the big one) I'm flat footed.

If you don't want to read anymore, I understand. Being flat footed, I've been discriminated against my entire life.

It's not easy having flat feet. To start, I can't wear Nike's. Never could, because the arches are too high. Go ahead and laugh. However, you're going to stop laughing when you hear this sad Christmas tale.

When I was about 10 years old, the only thing I wanted for Christmas (or Hanukkah) was a pair of Bo Jackson's. I thought they were the coolest things in the world. Yes, they were Nike's, but I thought that maybe, just maybe, if there was a Santa Claus, or God, then he would make them fit me. Just this once. Christmas morning I ran to the tree, opened up some presents, and there they were. Bo Jackson's. I was thrilled. I laced them up and put them on right then and there. I stood up and began walking around the room, and of course, they killed me. Intense pain. My mom asked how they felt, and I lied and said "Great."

After everyone was done opening their gifts, I slipped out of the room. Shoes in hand, I snuck off into the basement. I turned on the light, walked over to my dad's tool box, and pulled out his trusty hammer. And then I did what any intelligent, flat footed kid would do. I sat down and began to hammer the sole of my right foot to create an arch.

I shit you not.

I hammered away for about 10 minutes until my mom opened the door and saw me. She screamed, and snatched the hammer away. Needless to say, the Bo Jackson's were returned a couple of days later, and replaced with a lame pair of Fila's.

That story haunts me to this very day. It's not easy for me to go out and buy shoes, but tonight I'm going to give it a try. And just in case I see a really cool pair of Nike's, I'm bringing my hammer.

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b at 5:52 PM

how about the day after that?

So last night I finally saw a commercial for The Day After Tomorrow. Let's not waste any time and just get right into what already annoys me about this movie.

1. The Title - How could you possibly title a major motion picture The Day After Tomorrow? The first time I saw a billboard for it I thought for sure it was a made-for-TV movie. Total USA style. "This Sunday, be sure to tune into The Day After Tomorrow, followed by a special encore presentation of Call Me: The Rise And Fall of Heidi Fleiss." And hasn't every 14 year-old girl with braces written a poem called "The Day After Tomorrow?"

the day after tomorrow
will he know my name?
will my heart both swoon and fly
or will it stay the same
and will he touch my tender hand
and know just what to say
maybe i'll know the day after tomorrow
but i do not know today

2. The Director - I have nothing against Roland Emmerich personally. I just find it interesting that the voiceover on the commercial says "From the Director of Independence Day" instead of "From the man who brought you Godzilla starring Matthew Broderick." However, if you check out Rol's Imdb profile, you'll notice that he's scheduled to direct "The Girls Next Door" in 2006. Multiple Elisha's? Sign me up.

3. Al Gore - "Millions of people will be coming out of theaters on Memorial Day Weekend asking the question Could this really happen? I think we need to answer that question." Can we find something for this man to do? Seriously? He's gone from Vice-President to... I don't even know what he is anymore. Other current Al Gore projects include:
*Is body swapping possible, and if so, is it hazardous for a 13 year-old to suddenly become 30?
*Was Bill Killed?
*If you could erase the memory of an ex-girlfriend, can you also, say, erase the memory of a failed Presidential run?
*Are there porn stars in my neighborhood too? Seriously, are there?
*and how come all of Denzel Washington's movie trailers look exactly the same?

That being said, I'll admit that the movie does look pretty cool. I'll probably go see it, if for no other reason than the chance to see Jake Gyllenhaal getting taken out by a tidal wave. Because if Kirsten Dunst is single the day after tomorrow, well, that's okay in my book.

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b at 11:32 AM

TOTAL BUZZ

Okay, so as many of you know, I attended the Best Week Ever season 1 wrap party last Friday. Talk about great timing- getting hired onto the show right before the Open Bar. Anyway. The party was a great time, fully equipped with Beer, Wine, food, Crunk, good tunes (I think I heard "Matinee" by Franz Ferdinand about 4 times), and the stars of Best Week Ever. Everyone was there, from Chuck Nice to the Modern Humorists. Being the new guy, it's still feels a little strange socializing with the comedians I've been watching on TV for the past 13 weeks, so I had to make a conscious effort not to act weird. Easy enough.

Despite the 243 beers I drank, I was able to maintain my cool and not make a fool of myself. In fact, I didn't even realize I was drunk until inspiration struck and I created a Crunk-Corona Cocktail. Although the GF said it tasted like cough medicine, I thought it was great. I began pouring Crunk into everyone's beers. Paul Scheer actually made a trip to the bar to get a new beer solely to try it out. I think Crunk is the new Mixer of the future. Try it out. Somewhere in between Red Bull & Vodka and Old English & Grape Soda, there is now Crunk & Corona.

Anyway, the reason I started writing about the party was to get to this. Also attending the party was Uncle Grambo, the creator of Whatevs.org. We got to talking, and had a typical "guy" conversation about sports, bitches, cars, rap music, and blogs. Okay, I'm lying, we just talked about blogs. I mentioned that I started a stupid little one to entertain my friends here at work, and I told him the name of it. Shockingly, he said he had read it and thought it was funny. Here was my response:

"Whoa. Really? That's like Barry Bonds telling Randy Velerde 'good job.'"

While recounting the conversation to my roommate, Eric, he replied, "Just because you used a sports reference, it doesn't make it any less dorky."

Either way, he was a great guy and cool to talk to. And he just got even cooler, because today My Blog Is Poop was added to his links section. Go check it out. We're going national. Are you with me?

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b at 4:21 PM

enjoy the newness

Potential update on the way. Stay tuned...

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b at 2:47 PM

Best My Blog Is Poop Ever

In honor of the Best Of Best Week Ever, I thought that it was about time for me to put together a Best Of My Blog Is Poop. I mean, why not? MBiP is almost 2 months old, and by today's standards 2 months is more than enough time to be nostalgic. Right?

So the issue becomes, who decides what belongs in the "Best Of?" Well, since I'm still not completely convinced that more than 9 people read this thing, the answer is Me. Basically, I'm going to run through the old postings and try to pick out instances where I find myself to be the most clever. Funny? Hopefully. Egotistical? Absolutely. So without further adieu, here they are, some of my favorite lines...

Re: Hipsters
-- I actually love the whole hipster thing. I think that the hipster look for girls is the best thing to happen since the side ponytail. I love it. I remember going to a Weezer show in 1997, shortly after Pinkerton came out, and thinking that Weezer had both the hottest and ugliest fan of any band I had ever seen. Seven years later, I think that the hot fans evolved into hipsters, and the fat ones like Evanescence.

Re: "Well"- the one-woman show the GF dragged me to
-- I decided I had to write a one-man-play for one reason. I just want to write the part where one of the characters realizes the audiences is there. Do we really need that? It's by far the corniest thing on the planet. I love it. It always goes a little something like this.
CHICK - Mom? Mom, how are you doing?
MOM - Well, honey, I'm not feeling too well today. My back hurts and I feel like I
have to drop a deuce the size of [BEAT] Oh, hello there. My daughter didn't tell me we'd be having company today.

Re: The Gap
--The summer after my freshman year of college I needed a job, so I went back. I had to take a test over the phone, which I thought was stupid. So I sit down, and the first question is something like "Do you steal things?" Press 1 for yes, 2 for no. Easy enough, I press two. The next question was the same deal. 1 for yes, 2 for no. Piece of cake. I just pressed two a whole bunch of times and went home. Turns out, midway through the test they switch it up. Who knows what I said yes to? "Do you hate midgets?" 1 for no, 2 for yes.

Re: April Fools Day a.k.a. My Death
--Needless to say, Bob's death has sent shockwaves through the country. Some people are already comparing it to the assassination of John F. Kennedy. Others have called it the greatest loss our nation has faced since Jonathan Brandis passed last November. The outpouring of emotions from both celebrities and world leaders is a true testament to the man that was Bob.

"Things were going good for my man Bob, but then he went and died. Downgrade." - Sherrod Small, Best Week Ever

"Man." - Andre3000

"Bob was like The Killers, The Strokes, Interpol, Stellastarr*, Franz Ferdinand, and this really cool underground band that play on the L train every morning between 9 & 9:15, COMBINED! He was so hip." - Ultragrrrl

"Bob was born in 1980... the same year as Devo! (pause) I got nothing." - Michael Ian Black

"I was terribly saddened to hear the news. Bob was a great man, and a great friend."* - Will Ferrell
*note- it was actually incredibly funny when he said this, because everything Will Ferrell does is funny

"Rock is dead." - Justin Hawkins, The Darkness

Re: My Least Favorite Bands
--limpbizkit - The only group I hate more than Limp Bizkit is limpbizkit. I don't understand why they changed the spelling of their name- like that was going to help. Let's see, we have a singer that can't sing, a guitar player that sucks, the DJ from House of Pain, and all of our songs sound the same... let's change the spelling. Big help. That's like curing diarrhea with constipation- either way it's still shit.

Re: Another Bar Mitzvah
Think about it. How much more fun would a Bar Mitzvah be now??? When I was 13, I didn't even think about the Open Bar we had at my reception. Now, I'd be all over that mofo. Plus, now that we're in our 20's, our friends with jobs will get us really cool gifts. There's no downside to this.

As we began hammering out the details, here's what we came up with. You get your first Bar Mitzvah when you're 13. Here, you get all the religious crap out of the way. The Torah, the readings, etc. Afterwards, instead of a big crazy party, maybe you just go for a nice dinner with the family. The plus to this is 1) the main religious stuff is out of the way, and 2) you still get money from your grandparents that you know won't make it to your next Bar Mitzvah.

Now, after your first Bar Mitzvah you still have to go to Temple once a month, kind of like the army reserves. You do this until you turn 26 (13 years later... get it?)-- and that's when you get your SECOND Bar Mitzvah. This time, instead of reading the Torah to a group of friends and family, you just have to take a 100 question ScanTron test. If you score a 65% or better, you're Bar Mitzvah'd.

Our people need this. We'll call it Jews or Lose.

Re: Dying behind the wheel
-- Any song you listen to while driving could very well be the last song you ever hear. That's why I don't listen to Z-100, because by God, if the last thing I heard on Earth was Jessica Simpson, there is no way I could rest in peace.

Re: Dreams
--Have you ever told someone your dream and had them respond with anything except... "wow. that's crazy." Nope. Doesn't happen. They don't care either.

Re: My favorite line ever
--"Where are all the white women at..."

So those are the "highlights," if you could call them that. Actually, this is probably the first blog post ever in the history of blogs dedicated to one's previous blog posts. I'm a loser.

Let me know if I missed any. I'll have a real update a little bit later.

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b at 11:27 AM

how could this site be funnier?

if you go here. Be sure to type in www.myblogispoop.blogspot.com for full ghetto hilarity.

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b at 4:29 PM

what kind of new yorker are you?

What kind of New Yorker are you? You're a Hipster. You're probably screaming, I am not a hipster! at the screen right now. Sorry, thinking trucker hats are stupid, living in a currently hip neighborhood when it wasn't quite so hip, and/or being from the East Coast don't get you off the hook. Come on, you probably found out about this quiz on Craig's List.

Actually, I did find this quiz on Craig's List. I'm still not a hipster though, as evidenced by my anti-hipster comments last month.

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b at 12:43 PM

i had the strangest dream last night

Before I start, I have to tell you that I find dreams fascinating. Not because of the science of them, or because of their interpretations or hidden meanings. No. I find it interesting that dreams are the only thing in the world that everybody feels the need to talk about but nobody really cares to listen to.

It's absolutely true. I could care less about other people's dreams. The second someone's mouth opens and the words "I had the strangest dream last night" come out, my brain goes numb. Everything after the word "night" is lost on me. You know why? Because I don't care.

Oh wow, so you were walking through the park and then all of a sudden you were in a bar and the Rolling Stones were there and Mick Jagger asked you to help him sing but you couldn't sing because you were too nervous and then your high school girlfriend walked in and you started making out but she had to leave so you went next door and there was Angelina Jolie and the two of you really hit it off and started kissing and just as you were about to go all the way your alarm clock went off and you desperately hit snooze in an attempt to pick up the dream where it left off but instead you ended up dreaming about your dog that got hit by a snow plow in 1997. I don't care, it's just a dream. Call me when you actually do perform with the Rolling Stones and hook up with Angelina Jolie. That's a story.

And you know what, I know I'm not alone here. Have you ever told someone your dream and had them respond with anything except... "wow. that's crazy." Nope. Doesn't happen. They don't care either.

That being said, I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamt that I was going to die. I dreamt that I had a heart condition that I hadn't told people about, and the doctor called me to tell me I probably only had a day left. There was an outpouring of emotion from my friends and family as I called them (yeah, it was done over the phone) to tell them that I wasn't going to make it.

I began to walk around, since it was my last day on Earth. I ended up at Successories at the Towson Town Mall in Maryland, where I hopped behind the counter to help some customers. After that I arrived at a beautiful lake in Central Park, where I removed my shoes and went for a dip. Swimming in the lake, two topless girls (no shit. highlight of the dream). We talked for a while, and in a desperate attempt for a little action, I told them I was going to die. It didn't work. Even in my dreams I can't pull off a threesome.

Well, after that I went back to my dorm (yes, dorm) and prepared for the inevitible. But before I lay down in bed, what do I do? Blog. Yep. Blog. I went online and typed my goodbye. I don't remember what I wrote, but I knew that I wanted the last words on the blog to be something memorable. Something that my loyal readers would appreciate. So I typed the phrase and signed off. Then inspiration struck. I signed back on, sat back down, and wrote these words. The words that I wanted to be my last words on Earth. I will leave you with them now.

"Where are all the white women at..."

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b at 10:18 AM

i know i know

i know, yesterday's post got screwed up. I tried to fix it but it wouldn't let me. So back up off my grill, yo.

sorry, really busy day again. can't really write... but just know, that somewhere on this world wide web today, there are photos of Jeff Goldblum getting a blowjob from Tim Burton's ex-wife. And one of my links just happens to be linking to them.

Happy Hunting.

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b at 6:52 PM

good morning

This morning on the train, reading the New York Post, I came across an article that really got me thinking. A couple was driving on the Saw Mill Expressway when, out of nowhere, a tree came down and crashed into their car, killing them both. Incredibly, incredibly sad. At the age of 24 I have never gotten into a car accident while driving (and I have also never gotten a cavity, a streak confirmed Saturday at the dentist) but I have had my fair share of close calls. I noticed that one thing that always pops into my head after a close call is "What kind of music am I listening to?" Because let's face it, that's important for two reasons. First, if you get into a fatal car accident, eventually they're going to pull whatever CD you had going out of the CD player, and your family and friends will know that you were listening to LFO alone in your car, sans irony. And second, any song you listen to while driving could very well be the last song you ever hear. That's why I don't listen to Z-100, because by God, if the last thing I heard on Earth was Jessica Simpson, there is no way I could rest in peace.

Anybody out there reading this, if I die behind the wheel, do me a favor. Switch whatever CD I was listening to to something really cool. Something that it would be alright to go out to.

RANDOM GUY AT MY FUNERAL: Man, car accident.
FRIEND: Yep.
RANDOM GUY AT MY FUNERAL: What was he listening to when it happened? The Counting Crows?
FRIEND: Nope. Ozzy. "Crazy Train."
RANDOM GUY AT MY FUNERAL: Right on.

Also, I'm going to need a friend of mine to do me a favor and clear out my cell phone of the people that I don't want to come to the funeral. You know, the numbers that are in there for defense. (Numbers for defense are numbers you keep in your phone so you could identify and avoid certain people when they call) This includes, but is not limited to, anybody with the word "Crazy" before their name (except Crazy Mike) and/or random girls that don't have a last name listed. Thank you.

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b at 10:10 AM

david crossed

So I'm currently listening to an advanced copy of David Cross's new CD "It's Not Funny." Well, get ready for this: It IS funny. How about that.

Well, something dawned on me. This is an advanced copy. Only a handful of people have heard it. Any "comedian" listening to this CD could easily write down a few of these jokes, memorize them, and perform them, say, this Saturday night at 11pm at Comedy Works, and get away with it. It'd be too easy. I just hope some sick bastard doesn't try it.

In a completely unrelated story, come see me perform at Comedy Works this Saturday night at 11pm. I just wrote this great new joke:

"Then there's the other thing, the people that tell you 'how hard' it is to have a baby. Like 'David, it's so hard.' C'mon, that's not hard. Convincing your girlfriend to have her third straight abortion, that's hard."

I'm brilliant.

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b at 11:14 AM

straight outta the left coast

As the weekend rapidly approaches, but three words come to mind:

Brian Fucking Zimmerman

That's right, this weekend the man with more aliases than Baby a.k.a. The Birdman a.k.a. The #1 Stunna a.k.a. The Cash Money Millionaire a.k.a. The Freaky Rapper Guy with A Tear Tattooed On His Face - is making his triumphant return to NYC. Zim a.k.a. Biz Mak a.k.a. Cucumber a.k.a. Bri Bri a.k.a. Crusty Tummy a.k.a. The Other Jewish Kid From Pearl River is BACK!

For those of you that don't know him, Brian is a lifelong friend and ex-Brooklyn roommate who headed out to California last September to follow his dreams and work in the adult entertainment industry. However, the recent AIDS outbreak in the business has luckily given Brian some much needed vacation time. At least that's what I think is going on, I really don't pay attention when he talks.

Bri's really looking forward to coming out, so I was thinking about getting someone from the office to call him and tell him that NYC was closed this weekend. Story time. Back in the late 90's Me, Bri, Dan, Greg, and Mike had a trip all planned to go to Wildwood, NJ for one last week of drinking and partying before we all went off to college. We were all looking forward to it, no one more than Brian. Over the phone, Brian even confided in me and told me that he couldn't sleep at night because he was so excited. Wow. Needless to say, we couldn't pass on the opportunity to fuck with him.

That summer Brian was unemployed, I was working as a Camp Counselor, Greg was working at Pizza City, and Mike and Dan were working together at the Blue Hill building, bar none the largest building in Pearl River. That's relevant. Dan and Mike thought it would be funny to get someone from their office to call Brian at home, pretend to be from the hotel we were going to stay at, and tell Brian that Wildwood was on a Flood Watch all week, and unfortunately, all the hotels would be closing. The guy made the call, and Brian bought it.

After they were done laughing, Dan and Mike picked up the phone and called Brian back. He was already gone. Odd. They decide to call Greg at Pizza City. Greg answers the phone and says "Hey, have you guys heard what happened? Wildwood is cancelled this weekend. Brian just ran in here and told me, then ran out. He said he was going to find you guys." Dan and Mike hung up, awaiting the inevitible.

Somehow, despite never being there before, Brian was able to get past the security at the front door of the Blue Hill Builidng, and find Dan and Mike in a matter of minutes. When he burst through the door, the people in the office started laughing. Dan told him it was a joke, and Brian yelled out "Assholes!" before storming off.

So here's to Brian, for travelling across the country tomorrow to spend some time with the assholes that did that to him.

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b at 7:30 PM

mmm blog

Like usual i don't have a lot of time, so I'm going to make this one quick. I'm getting a feel for my new job, so hopefully I'll be able to resume regular blogging by next week. That's the plan.

So anyway, yesterday was an incredible day in the life of Bob. I got called in to perform at Comedy Works last night, and luckily I was able to do it. I'm glad I did, too, because it was a great time. I was real nervous when I showed up, because I noticed that there were 2 families in the crowd, both with kids under the age of 16. Now, most of my jokes are what you would call "dirty" so I was worried I would be hated. Luckily I went on stage last, so by the time I got up there these kids had heard so many blowjob jokes that I knew I'd be safe. My favorite moment on stage came when I talked with Mariah, a cute girl in the crowd who was there with her sisters.

ME: So Mariah, how old are you?
MARIAH: Twenty Four
ME: Twenty four huh? Me too.
MARIAH: Yeah?
ME: Yeah... you're too old for me. How old is your sister?
SISTER: Fifteen
ME: Now we're talking.

So creepy.

Uh oh, i'm running out of time. Okay, real quick, the main reason yesterday was a great day was because I met HANSON. Yep, working at Best Week Ever definitely has its perks. The guys were really cool off camera, but on camera the young one, Zak, was pretty damn annoying. I guess he's excused, though, because how old is he? Like 12?

The worst part of meeting Hanson? They're all taller than me. I didn't see that one coming.

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b at 12:21 PM

challah back, yo

Big ups (did I just say 'big ups'?) to Kim for finding this. She may be a shiksa, but she's okay in my Torah. I have dibs on the "Jews For Jeter" T-Shirt, so back off.

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b at 10:16 AM

best job ever

I have a feeling I'm going to like it over here at Best Week Ever. At what other job could I say something like "I heard that some Illiteracy group thinks that Jessica Simpson is actually illiterate" and have it actually pertain to the conversation? You're not going to see that on the show, though, because it was deemed 'sad' instead of 'funny.' I think it's both.

Well, my personal goal on BWE is to pass along the Bob agenda. I want to infultrate the show with as many bob-esque topics as I can. We need more Billy Zabka news! Less Hiltons, more Olsens! Isn't Screech a comedian, and doesn't he need work? Viva La Screech!

Anyway. The big news of the week is that I am performing Saturday night at Comedy Works. This marks my first ever weekend gig, so I'm really excited. If you have any interest in going, let me know.

And finally, I have to apologize for leaving somebody out of the last post. My new friend Maggie. Not only was Maggie an incredible singer, she was also the person who led us to the strange karaoke bar Saturday night. And most importantly, Maggie and I figured out that "Stacy's Mom" is the same person as "Jesse's Girl." I'll let you digest that one.

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b at 4:47 PM

the blog lives

So here I am, first day on the job, and what am I doing? Blogging mofo. This will be a real quick one, since I'm typing it as I'm eating lunch. So here goes nothing.

Highlights of the weekend?
Met up with a bunch of friends to go to the Yankees game Saturday afternoon. Tailgating was fun, as always. The game, however, was not fun, since the Yanks forgot how to hit. The three best moments of the game were:

1) This conversation between Me, Dan, and Greg regarding their upcoming move to Hoboken.
ME: So how are you going to get to work (In Brooklyn)?
GREG: Well, I'll probably take the PATH to the World Trade Center and...
DAN: [puts hand on Greg's shoulder] Greg, there's something you need to know...

2) Paul Konerko single handedly ruined Dan's fantasy season last year, so at every Konerko at-bat Dan yelled at the top of his lungs "I'LL GET YOU KONERKO, IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!!!"

3) Mike, who made the mistake of bringing his 9 year-old brother to the game with us, actually telling his brother that he was born with 3 testicles. Not only is this true, but it's a family secret that they have yet to inform the kid of. The best part is the fact that Mike said, "At least I wasn't born with 3 testicles" after his little brother made fun of him. It was a comeback! Amazing. Unfortunately for nearby therapists, Little Johnny did not hear it. This time.

Saturday night the madness continued, as I hit the town with the roommate and Crazy Mike. The best part of the night was finding a strange bar on Spring Street that had a karaoke machine and a book of karaoke CDs laying out in the middle of the floor. Needless to say, we dominated it.

And now, the lowlight of the weekend:

Leaving Scott and Jenna's birthday party MINUTES before Natalie Portman showed up. I don't even want to think about this, it makes me too angry. To just think that if I stuck around a little while longer, I could have hooked up with Natalie Portman (because we all know she would have been all over me). It's infuriating. And shame on my "friends" for not calling me and letting me know she was there. C'mon people! I'm done writing about this.

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b at 3:22 PM

i'm everywhere

I knew this day would come eventually. Walking around the office, I can't get away from... me. I'm everywhere I turn, and frankly, I love it.

For the past week here at VH1 I've had the incredible opportunity to listen to myself talk. Let me explain. I helped out VH1 Goes Inside: The WTA by recording some voiceovers for them to use in the edit (until the real Voiceover guy does it). Lucky for me, their edit is directly behind my desk. So every day I get to listen to the beautiful sound of my own voice. Over and over again. Saying things like "Anna served up some romance as well, with the hunky Enrique Iglesias." and "These divas do their bling-blinging off the court too." You know, stuff I say in real life.

I finally got fed up listening to myself, which is hard to believe, I know. So when I got up and walked away, what did I see on somebody's computer? My Blog Is Poop. I can't get away from me. Could it be that I've oversaturated the market with Bob? Does America need a break from me? Have I entered that elite level of celebrity occupied by Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson, and Jesus Christ? Jesus, I hope not.

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b at 12:09 PM

finally...

One last thing before I leave tonight. I'm glad that there is FINALLY a dating service for me. If I said it once, I said it a thousand times: J-Date is just not Jewish enough. Thank god for frumster.

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b at 7:16 PM

okay, i lied

Alright, so you won't get your 4+ updates today, I apologize. But I have a good excuse. I think my burrito was roofied today. Seriously. Nelson and I took the trip to Burritoville on 44th & 9th all the way from 57th & Broadway, you know, because we're dedicated. Since then I have been exhausted, lethargic, and dismissive of my work. The main difference being the whole exhausted and lethargic thing.

Also, lest you forget, I am a mere work day away from my big move to Best Week Ever. So obviously, I need to rest up, not strain myself, and ready myself for the pressure of putting on a weekly television show. Just typing that sentence made me tired, so obviously I have a long way to go.

The fine folks at VH1 Goes Inside are throwing me a little going away party tonight. Topics of conversation are sure to include "Wait, he still works here?" "What does he do, anyway?" and "Do you think he knows I roofied his burrito today?" If all goes according to plan, we will head over to Japas 55 to sing some drunken Japanese karaoke later in the night. REO Speedwagon, look out!

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b at 6:02 PM

america, you dirty slut

Today was a big day, as most of you know, because Condi Rice took the stand to defend herself, and defend the president, for the 9/11 commission. Her testimony was supposed to provide answers to some very difficult questions. Namely, questions like, "What the hell is the 9/11 commission?"

I'm sorry, but after 9/11, wasn't the general consensus that we weren't going to place the blame on anybody? Didn't we decide that not only would it be counterproductive, but it would also be dangerous to try to assign blame to our government and our leaders? Didn't we also realize that by doing so, we would be falling right into the self destructive pattern that the terrorists wanted us to fall into? And didn't we all decide to blame Ol Dirty Laden??? I thought we were in agreeance with that.

But I guess I was wrong. Because now we have 9/11 hearings going on, and America won't be happy until they have (another) scapegoat. We've shifted the blame from the guy who attacked us, to the victim. Is Condi supposed to stand up there and say, "Well, your honor, if you think about it, America was asking for it. I mean, you saw what she was wearing. She was begging for it. Slut."

I'm sorry if I'm getting a little too political here. But I thought America learned from Kelly Taylor's unfortunate first sexual encounter in the woods on 90210. You don't blame the victim.

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b at 2:51 PM

tons of updates today

That's the goal. I will update AT LEAST 4 times today. To start, check this out. It's one of my favorite things ever.

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b at 11:04 AM

i see everything

Ending my nearly year-long run of being one of the few people my age to actually have health insurance, but still refusing to go to the doctor, I caved into the pressure and visited an eye doctor yesterday. Now, I hate going to doctors-- any doctor. However, I think the eye doctor is definitely the least offensive, so it was a good place for me to start. The visit wasn't nearly as easy as it should've been, because there are three things in life I don't understand:

1. the stock market
2. the appeal of Clay Aiken
3. insurance

I know I'm capable of learning about these things (at least 1 & 3), but I have chosen not to. So concepts like "coverage" and "deductables" and "money" elude me. For that reason, at any doctor's visit I'm already a step behind.

To add to the excitement yesterday, my eye doctor was Insane. It was a fun insane, though. He was like the cartoon version of a Jew, there's no better way to describe him. He had the same haircut my uncle had at his Bar Mitzvah in 1973, big black glasses, and a comical overbite. While he was checking out my retinas he tried to rent me an apartment. I shit you not. He also name dropped a couple of his famous patients, including "one of the guys from Oz," "one of the Pernice Brothers," and of course, Steve Buschemi (because everybody in Park Slope has at least one Steve Buschemi story).

The best part of the visit, by far, was getting these new contact lenses that I have on right now. Reason being, I can wear them 30 days straight without taking them out. I think I did that in college once, but not on purpose. You have to love when your alcoholism becomes a topic of conversation when you're at the doctor, especially the eye doctor.

DR: Do you sleep in your contacts?
ME: (thinking it over) Yes.
DR: How often?
ME: Um, whenever I drink too much and pass out.
DR: And how often is that?
ME: Some might say 'too often.'
DR: Want to rent an apartment?

Next up is the dentist in a couple of weeks. Dentists are definitely my least favorite. I'm already dreading it. Plus, it's on a Saturday morning, so I'll probably be hungover and my drinking will be a topic of conversation once again. Great.

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b at 10:29 AM

JewsAreTheNewJesus

Has the world had enough Jesus yet? I know I'm not the only one that's noticed how JC is milking his 15 minutes of fame worse than William "She Bangs" Hung. It's beginning to feel like the "Latin Invasion" of the late 90's all over again, only replace the word "Latin" with "Christ" and the word "Invasion" with... well, you can leave invasion.

With The Christ still hanging tough (no pun intended) at the box office, the Gibson still popping up on the news, and The Easter right around the corner, I think America is beginning to feel a little Christianed out. We need something else to turn our attention to... and believe it or not, I think we're turning to the Jews.

Think about it, Jews are popping up everywhere. Last night, millions of people tuned in to Average Jew: Adam Returns to see if Adam was going to settle down with a nice Jewish girl, or was he going to fall under the spell of a sexy shiksa? (He chose the shiksa) Jews are also all over the news. Granted, its usually because they're getting blown up, but like someone once said, "any press is good press."

Speaking of Jews, I was on the phone with the Old Roommate last night, and we realized that our Jewishness has gone downhill ever since our Bar Mitzvahs. Since we're not forced to go to Temple every week, we drifted away from religion, and that's kind of sad. We agreed, though, that with the proper motivation we'd go back. And that's when it hit us, like a ton of Jewish bricks:

Another Bar Mitzvah.

Think about it. How much more fun would a Bar Mitzvah be now??? When I was 13, I didn't even think about the Open Bar we had at my reception. Now, I'd be all over that mofo. Plus, now that we're in our 20's, our friends with jobs will get us really cool gifts. There's no downside to this.

As we began hammering out the details, here's what we came up with. You get your first Bar Mitzvah when you're 13. Here, you get all the religious crap out of the way. The Torah, the readings, etc. Afterwards, instead of a big crazy party, maybe you just go for a nice dinner with the family. The plus to this is 1) the main religious stuff is out of the way, and 2) you still get money from your grandparents that you know won't make it to your next Bar Mitzvah.

Now, after your first Bar Mitzvah you still have to go to Temple once a month, kind of like the army reserves. You do this until you turn 26 (13 years later... get it?)-- and that's when you get your SECOND Bar Mitzvah. This time, instead of reading the Torah to a group of friends and family, you just have to take a 100 question ScanTron test. If you score a 65% or better, you're Bar Mitzvah'd.

Our people need this. We'll call it Jews or Lose.

It's a win-win situation. Not only does it keep Jewish people more involved in religion, but the good Jews get to have a kick ass party when they turn 26. We're talking a rent-out-the-bar-everyone's-getting-laid crazy ass party. Like a Bachelor party with a Horah.

Spread the word. Jews or Lose 2004. Alan and I are geniuses.

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b at 11:19 AM

ny just got a little crazier

so Crazy Mike finally moved into his studio apartment in NYC today, and the world is a better place for it. Crazy is a friend of mine from Towson, and needless to say, I am very excited to have him living in Manhattan. oh, the fun we'll have. So, why do we call him Crazy Mike, you ask?

-- He doesn't drink, yet is usually the drunkest looking person at a bar
-- The day we met him he swerved to HIT a squirrel
-- On the old college TV show he played "Johnny Elephantitis," and would run around campus wearing spandex with 2 grapefruits stuffed in them and hump things
-- Got said TV show thrown off the air for running onto campus in the middle of the day, wearing nothing but a leopard G-string and holding a long stick with a blue Dolphin Vibrator tied to the end of it
-- Asks homeless people for change. Gives the change to other homeless people, like some bizarre Robin Hood character
-- Wanted us to trick parents into letting us use their kids for a skit called "Adopt a Virgin." Don't worry, the skit never happened.
-- And he broke the entire Right Side of his body once by falling off his 4th story balcony because he was doing handstands on the railing.

The Crazy Mike era in NY begins today.

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b at 5:49 PM

i wish i wrote this

How to use a hand puppet to meet, attract, and date tons of single women... By Don Diebel
getgirls.com

This is probably the craziest dating tip of the week I've ever written. And please don't think I've lost my mind because of what I'm about to suggest to you as a great way to meet and attract single women for love and romance. So what is it?

Well, did you know you can meet single women like crazy by using a hand puppet? I know you're thinking, "what in the hell is he talking about? A puppet?"

Let me explain - Well, I've got a friend that uses what I call, "The Puppet Method" to meet single women in nightclubs. Here's how he does it:

First, you will need a hand puppet. You can buy them at your major toy stores such as Toys R Us.

Bring your hand puppet with you to a nightclub where there are lots of single ladies.

When you see a girl that you're attracted to, approach her and tap her on the shoulder lightly with your puppet and when she turns around raise your hand puppet towards her face and say something like this with your puppet, "Hi beautiful, would you like to dance with me?" Move your puppet up and down with your hand as you are saying your script just as if the puppet was really talking. And be sure to talk in a real silly voice.

What happens next? She's going to die laughing and think that you are so funny. Plus, you will make a very favorable impression on her because women love a guy with a sense of humor. And, of course, she will most likely dance with you.

I know this method of meeting single women seems a little silly, but try it. It works like a charm for my friend and it can work for you too.

You don't just have to use the "Puppet Method" in nightclubs to meet and attract single women. You can use your hand puppet anywhere to talk to women. Believe me, they will be laughing so hard they can hardly stand it!

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b at 3:49 PM

shannon hoon 1967-1995

I'm not going to lie. When Shannon Hoon, the lead singer of Blind Melon, died in 1995, I adorned my backpack with a giant "Shannon Hoon 1967-1995" in black magic marker. What can I say? I was an ugly 15 year old who loved Blind Melon, is that a crime? Besides, I didn't want to be one of the dozens of kids with the Kurt Cobain backpack. I was original, albeit, lame.

So today marks the ten year anniversary of Kurt Cobain blowing his head off. I'll give you a moment. Okay. At some point today, I know I'm going to be involved in a conversation about Nirvana, about Kurt Cobain, about grunge music, about Courtney Love's nipple. About something. And no doubt, during the conversation, I'm going to have to lie. Because when everybody's talking about their initial reaction to hearing about his death, there is no way I can say, "Yeah, I laughed" without coming off like a total dick. See. You hate me right now.

To be honest, I hate me right now. Here was a critical moment of the decade, a touchstone for my generation, and what did I do? Joked about it for hours. I'm such a douche. Here's my defense. I was in 8th grade, and we were on the bus, after school, on the way to baseball practice. Sitting in the back of the bus with my teammates, the news came over the radio that Kurt Cobain was dead. Rather than take a moment to reflect, and think about how that's going to impact the future of music, what did we do? My friend Dan and I found the biggest Nirvana fan on the team, a guy named Mark, and started tearing into him.

We joked about it on the bus, and then when we got to the locker room, we joked some more.
Me: (singing) Well I swear that I don't have a gun...
Dan: (cocking imaginary rifle, pointing it in mouth) BAM!

Terrible. Just terrible. Ten years later, I can't believe we acted like that. We were assholes, sure, but the weird thing is, we LIKED Nirvana. I loved grunge. We weren't like these Dr. Dre kids who thought that rock sucked, this was our music. And there we were, making jokes just to see if we could get the Nirvana kid to cry. For years I was ashamed of how I acted. But now it's 2004. Kurt's dead. Dave Grohl is a pop star. Krist disappeared, for all intensive purposes. And Courtney is a ticking time bomb. So that leads to the question...

Now is it funny?

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b at 12:48 PM

this is how you remind me

The GF and I had a talk Saturday night about which music acts we truly hate. The artists that inspire true, deep, dark feelings of anger and despair every time they come on the radio. We're not talking about the harmless, guilty pleasures of people like The Backstreet Boys or Avril Lavigne. No no. We're talking about the acts that actually make you wish the guitar (or synthesizer) had never been invented.

So here's my list. You're not going to find anyone like Taproot or Godsmack or Godroot, whatever. They are far too insignificant. Here are the real offenders:

limpbizkit - The only group I hate more than Limp Bizkit is limpbizkit. I don't understand why they changed the spelling of their name- like that was going to help. Let's see, we have a singer that can't sing, a guitar player that sucks, the DJ from House of Pain, and all of our songs sound the same... let's change the spelling. Big help. That's like curing diarrhea with constipation- either way it's still shit.

Creed - I know what you're thinking "Oh, he's so original, he hates Limp Bizkit and Creed, wow." Well, I'm sorry, but I do. I don't know what jokes I can make about Creed that haven't already been made. So rather than be original, I'm just going to quote a comedian I saw at Stand Up NY a couple of weeks ago. "Did anybody see Creed's Behind The Music? It's ridiculous. The lead singer said that when they were coming up, they would do 2 shots before every show. And that was hardcore for them. 2 shots! Are you kidding me? The guys from Motley Crue were injecting paint thinner into their dickholes, and these guys are doing kamikaze shots! Are you rock stars or Sig Ep pledges?"

House Music - The whole genre. Everything from Oakenfold to DJ Dan to Sasha and Digweed, to Technotronic. I'm 24 now, so luckily most people my age have outgrown it, but for a good portion of college I had to listen to this crap. My friend Dan and I used to refuse to acknowledge it as music. We decided that there was no such thing as a house "songs" so we referred to them as "quirps." At the 2002 Coachella festival I waited on line to get my picture taken with DJ Dan, just so when the camera went off I could point to him and make the "who is this guy?" face. I gave the picture to his #1 fan, my buddy Mike.

Dashboard Confessional - He gets the nod over Newfound Glory, Blink 182, and every other emo act out there. There are two reasons I can't stand him. 1) his music. 2) I saw him in concert (because Ben Kweller was opening up) and it was DISGUSTING. Even if you were able to get past his music (reason #1 to hate him, in case you forgot) you could NOT get past the crowd. Singing along. Crying. Pumping their emo fists in the air. "Your haiirrrrrr is everywherrrrreeeeeeee." Bleeeech.

And now, my #1 All Time Most Hated Musical Act

Meatloaf - He would have been the easy choice solely for "Paradise By The Dashboard Lights," my least favorite song of all time. That one song would have been enough to earn this prestigious title. But no, Meatloaf didn't stop there. He went off and recorded my second least favorite song of all time, "I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)." Awful song. Hell, awful song title, too. I remember slow dancing to that song at Janette Hadjuk's birthday party in 8th grade and just begging for the song to end so I could sit back down. The damn song is like 8 minutes long. Just thinking about it is giving me a little knot in my stomach. I have to move on.

So there is my top 5. The GF's list included Enrique Iglesias and Jonathan Richman (the guy from Something About Mary, for those who don't know). I happen to love Jonathan, so I guess the next step is to start listening to Enrique.

And to end this post about Bad Music, check this out. It's Nickelback's "This Is How You Remind Me" and "Someday" played at the same time. Very funny stuff.

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b at 10:58 AM

har har har

I bet I fooled all of you with my Hi-Larious April Fools day joke. Man, I am funny. Turns out that I'm not really dead, but thank's to everybody that called me up just to make sure (calls received: 0).

Now, while my April Fools joke was completely innovative, original, and hysterical, it probably falls somewhere in between Howard Stern's prank and these two idiot disc jockeys in Indiana. There are certain rules in life, and rule number one is Don't ever mess with The Hitman Don Mattingly, or his family! Yokuls.

Anyway. Yesterday I originally planned to talk about the incredible stellastarr* show I went to Wednesday night. Let's get the boring stuff out of the way first: The Killers killed, Ambulance was alright, and stellastarr* absolutely floored me. Okay, now the good stuff.

Highlights of the show

3. Seeing Ultragrrrl in the flesh - Some might call it a celebrity sighting, others might say 'who the hell is Ultragrrrl?' I say, "Wow, she's shorter than I'd thought she'd be." That relieves me a bit, because it's nice to know that the rock stars that she's photographed with aren't actually 7' feet tall like I was beginning to think. But anyway, it was cool to see one of the people that inspired me to start doing this Blog thing. I decided not to introduce myself, because "Hey, I read your blog" might actually be a worse introduction than "Oh my God, I love you, I watched Buffy every week."

2. Dancing to "My Coco" - This one is self explanatory if you've ever heard the song.

1. Amanda stellastarr* - I knew stellastarr* had a female bass player. I even knew that she was attractive, based on their videos. What I wasn't prepared for was the fact that she is the HOTTEST WOMAN IN ROCK. I take that back. She is the hottest woman on the planet. Because not only is she gorgeous, she absolutely rocks. She's pulls off the role of "hot female bass player" better than anyone in history, because she doesn't rock so hard that it's unattractive (i.e. L7) and she isn't so reserved that she looks uncomfortable (i.e. D'arcy). She's perfect. As I watched her perform I realized that there's no conceivable way I could ever get her. None. Even fantasizing about her, I can't seem to land her. She's just not interested in me, and there's nothing I can do about it. I wish I was in a band.

After the show I went over to Bar 13 for the afterparty with Rob and Jeff. We didn't stick around too long, but part of me wanted to just so I could talk with the lead singer of stellstarr*. After all, about 6 months ago my roommate approached a couple of girls at a bar and told them that I was, in fact, the lead singer. No harm done, it's not like this was the first time we've lied to girls. Well, one of the girls said that she saw stellastarr* at the Bowery, and would love to meet me. We were introduced, and I figured my cover was blown. It wasn't. She told me how much she enjoyed the show, and even got her picture taken with me!

For the record: This is the lead singer of stellastarr*
This is me.

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b at 10:29 AM

Bobs Death

Needless to say, Bob's death has sent shockwaves through the country. Some people are already comparing it to the assassination of John F. Kennedy. Others have called it the greatest loss our nation has faced since Jonathan Brandis passed last November. The outpouring of emotions from both celebrities and world leaders is a true testament to the man that was Bob.

"I can't believe he's gone... he's was the best lover I ever had." - Paris Hilton

"Things were going good for my man Bob, but then he went and died. Downgrade." - Sherrod Small, Best Week Ever

"Actually, Bob is alive... Just Kidding, you got Punk'd!!! Alright, I'll shut up." - Ashton

"Man." - Andre3000

"After reading his blog last week, I was ready to let him be my baby's daddy. (begins to cry) I can't imagine living my life without him." - Elisha Cuthbert

"The cab driver that did this will be held responsible. We can not live in fear of cabbies. If we do not continue to ride in cabs, then the cabbies have won." - G.W.B.

"Bob was like The Killers, The Strokes, Interpol, Stellastarr*, Franz Ferdinand, and this really cool underground band that play on the L train every morning between 9 & 9:15, COMBINED! He was so hip." - Ultragrrrl

"Bob was born in 1980... the same year as Devo! (pause) I got nothing." - Michael Ian Black

"Who?" - Bob's mom

"Um... we did it. Yeah, that's the ticket. We're responsible. You should be scared." - Ol dirty Laden

"I was terribly saddened to hear the news. Bob was a great man, and a great friend."* - Will Ferrell
*note- it was actually incredibly funny when he said this, because everything Will Ferrell does is funny

"We actually do look alike. That drunk freshman girl was right." - Tom Cruise

"Bob didn't die during the Reagon, G.H.W. Bush, or Clinton administration, did he? It's blatantly obvious that the Bush administration did not do everything in their power to keep Bob alive. Am I right? Buy my book," - Richard Clarke

"Rock is dead." - Justin Hawkins, The Darkness

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b at 5:09 PM

hi everybody...

Hi everybody, my name is Nelson, and I work with Bob at VH1. Well... worked with him. I feel really weird writing this, but I know Bob would have wanted me to tell everybody the news. This is hard. On his way into work this morning Bob was hit by a taxi cab and died at the scene. I saw the whole thing with my own two eyes... horrifying. The cab driver didn't even stop... he just kept driving. Disgusting.

I don't think I could write too much more. Bob was a good friend of mine, as I'm sure he was to you... I just felt like you all should know.

If you'd like to talk, please call me @ (212)555-4048

RIP - Bob
1980-2004

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b at 2:46 PM