the men i love
I've been uncharacteristically negative on this blog lately. That bothers me, because I'm generally a happy person and I don't want you to get the wrong impression. So today I'm putting the negativity to rest. That, and the Yankee posts. We're not going to discuss the Yankees or the Red Sox again until pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training, so that's that. Let's move on with what this blog is really about:
Hot dudes.
You heard me, we're going to talk about Hot Dudes today, and you can't stop me. And you know what, I'm not even going to preface it with "I'm secure enough in my sexuality to recognize a hot guy blah blah blah." Fuck that. Let's do it.
First of all, I happen to think that I have good taste in guys. No, make that great taste. I definitely have better taste than a lot of the girls I know, which is unfortunate, considering I like chicks and all. But I think I know what makes up a good looking guy, and because I'm not a girl, I don't get sucked into the whole emotional aspect of it. Like,
Adam Brody is not hot, however girls think he is because they like the character he plays on the OC. I don't fall for that shit. When I think a guy is hot it's purely a physical thing, and that's the way it should be.
(and yes, I realize that's the gayest sentence I've ever written.)
So before we get to the guys that are actually hot, let's talk about some "hot guys" that are not hot. The aforementioned Adam Brody is not hot. Neither is his brother,
Adrien, who only became "hot" after he won an Oscar.
Josh Hartnett is not hot, unless you like guys that look like they have downs syndrome
(if you do I won't judge, I promise). Colin Farrel isn't hot either, because he's kind of ratty looking. I'm sorry, but I speak the truth.
So who is hot? That's easy.
Rhett Miller of the Old 97's is hot. The first time I saw the Old 97's live, I turned to my girlfriend and actually used the word "gorgeous" to describe him. It was deemed the first time a straight man has ever used that word to describe another man in the history of the world.
Brad Pitt is hot. I don't think I'm breaking any new ground by saying that, so I'm not going to elaborate on it. But you have to love Brad Pitt for making some great career decisions. In the beginning it looked like he was going to go the way of pretty boys that guys hate, thanks to movies like Meet Joe Black, Thelma & Louise, and Legends of The Fall. The smartest thing he ever did was to star in movies like Fight Club. And Seven. And 12 Monkeys. And Ocean's 11. Brad Pitt has actually done enough cool stuff that guys can forgive him for being incredibly, incredibly good looking.
Ed Burns is hot, despite making pretty bad movies.
David Beckham is hot, despite being British.
Jonathan Brandis is hot, despite being dead.
Ben Affleck used to be hot but lost it.
Matt Damon is hot now, but used to be strange looking. However, after seeing Team America, I don't think I can look at him the same way now. In fact, Matt Damon kind of looks like a less hot version of the guy who played Samantha's boyfriend at the end of Sex In The City, who was hot.
(okay, that's the gayest sentence I've ever written)
Back in 1995 I thought
Chris Hardwick, the host of Singled Out, was hot. But probably only because he had cool clothes and got to hang out with Jenny McCarthy. Speaking of Jenny McCarthy, to counter this post, next week I'll write about how much I loved her in the mid-90's. Developing...
But back to dudes. You know who's hot? The middle
Hanson kid, Taylor. I'm not going to make the hack "he looks like a girl" joke. Instead, I'm going to seriously tell you, he looks like a girl. I met him, and he's damn damn pretty. In fact, most of the guys I've mentioned in this post are more 'pretty' than they are 'hunky.'
I guess that's what I look for in my guys. Femininity.
Whew.
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b at 10:22 AM
the moment you've all been waiting for
Well, it's time folks. After intense negotiations, I have finally been able to convince the one and only
DR. AWESOMEFUCK to take a quick break from being Awesome and drinking Natty Bo's, in order to sit down and write up an election preview to help guide undecided voters come November 2nd. I'm not going to say any more, just sit back and let the Dr. operate.
DR. AWESOMEFUCK PRESENTS: BUSH VS. KERRY
ALRIGHT, BITCHES AND BITCHES. BOB HAS BEEN AWESOME ENOUGH TO LET THE DOCTOR POST SOME SHIT FOR ALL OF YOU. I'M GONNA HAVE TO BUY THAT DUDE A 12 PACK WHEN I MEET HIM. HE'S AWESOME!!!
SO I'M NOT A POLITICAL DUDE. I WAS TREASURER OF MY CLASS BACK IN GRADE SCHOOL-- BACK WHEN I WUZ JUST MISTERAWESOMEFUCK-- BECAUSE I WANTED TO CONTROL BOTH THE BITCHES
AND THE CASH IN MY SCHOOL. AND BESIDES, THE PRESIDENT CHICK WAS HOT!!! SO ANYWAY, I WASN'T GOING TO VOTE. BUT THEN I HEARD THAT THAT DITTY DUDE IS GONNA KILL PEOPLE WHO DON'T VOTE, AND MY BOY JONES SAID THAT DITTY ALREADY KILLED THAT B.I.G. DUDE, WHO WAS PRETTY AWESOME, SO I BETTER DECIDE WHO I'M GONNA VOTE FOR.
SO I'M GONNA BREAK THIS SHIT DOWN AND TELL YOU WHICH CANDIDATE IS AWESOMER!!!!!! TOO BAD THAT HUNNY FROM GRADE SCHOOL ISN'T RUNNING, CAUSE I WOULD VOTE FOR HER JUST SO I COULD TELL ALL YOU BITCHES THAT I TOTALLY FUCKED THE PRESIDENT!! THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!!!! I'D BE THE FIRST FUCKER!!! SO HERE IT GOES...
BEER DRINKABILITY WE KNOW BUSH USED TO DO SOME CRAZY SHIT WAY BACK. AND HE CHOKES ON SNACK FOODS WHEN HE'S WATCHING SPORTS, SO YOU KNOW HE'S ALL ABOUT DOWNING BEERS. WHEN YOU DOWN A LOTTA COLD ONES, SOMETIMES YOU FORGET HOW TO DO SIMPLE SHIT, LIKE CHEWING. ONE TIME, MY MAN EARL GOT SO DRUNK HE WENT TO TAKE A SHIT AND WIPED HIS ASS WITH HIS USA DO-RAG. HE DAMN NEAR CRIED THE NEXT DAY WHEN WE TOLD HIM WHAT HE DID TO THE STARS N STRIPES. KERRY ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE HE MIGHT BE HUNG OVER, WHICH MEANS HE DRINKS, BUT I THINK IT MIGHT BE SOME FANCY SHIT, LIKE FUCKING MINT JULEP.
AWESOMER-BUSH.
MUSIC KERRY'S FROM NEAR BOSTON, WHICH HAS FUCKIN AEROSMITH!!!! THEY'RE AWESOME!!! THEIR OLD SHIT IS THE AWESOMEST, BUT THEN THEY STARTED MAKING SOME REALLY GAY MUSIC, RIGHT? WANNA KNOW WHY? BECAUSE THE DOCTOR FUCKING PRESCRIBED THAT THEY CHANGED UP THEIR SHIT SO YOUNGER BITCHES WOULD WANT TO BANG THEM! I'M AWESOME!!!!!!!! COUNTRY MUSIC IS GOOD AND ALL, BUT IT'S NOT AWESOME LIKE THE 80S AND LIKE ROCK AND ROLL AND LIKE FUCKING DANZIG!!!!!! BUSH IS FROM TEXAS, AND UNLESS ANDREW W.K. IS FROM TEXAS, THIS IS EASY.
AWESOMER-KERRY
BITCHES KERRY WENT TO FIGHT THAT WAR, AND WE ALL KNOW SOLDIERS ARE AWESOME. BUT I WAS FUCKING THIS ONE BITCH A FEW TIMES, SO I HAD TO MEET HER DAD WHO FOUGHT IN THE NAM. HE WAS A CRAZY ASS FUCKER, SO I FIGURE IF MOST WAR DUDES ARE LIKE THAT, THEN KERRY MUST'VE SCARED AWAY A LOT OF BITCHES, TILL HE MET THAT KETCHUP BITCH WHOSE CRAZIER THAN HIM. BUSH OWNED A FUCKING BASEBALL TEAM!!!!!!!! IT'S NOT AS COOL AS LIKE OWNING A FUCKING NASCAR TEAM, BUT HE PROBABLY GOT SOME STRANGE FROM BITCHES THAT WANTED A-ROD. SO I FIGURED BUSH WON BITCHES. BUT THEN I REMEMBERED THAT KERRY WAS A SOLDIER, SO HE FUCKED BITCHES FROM ALL OVER, AND THEN WENT HOME AND DID THAT FREE LOVE SHIT TOO!!!! IF THAT'S WHAT THEY MEAN BY FLIP-FLOPPING, I'D LIKE TO FLIP-FLOP SOME BITCHES, TOO!!!!!
AWESOMER-KERRY
HANGIN OUT THIS ONE'S KINDA ONE-SIDED. MY BUDDY ROOSTER, HE'S LIKE THE FUCKING SMARTEST GUY OUT THERE, AND I SHOULD KNOW. I'M A FUCKING AWESOME DOCTOR!!!!! HE SCORED SOME SHIT LIKE A 17 OR 18 HUNDRED ON HIS SATS, AND ONE DAY HE WAS ALL LIKE "I THINK THAT THAT KERRY DUDE THINKS HE'S SMARTER THAN ALL OF US." I COULDN'T HANG OUT WITH A DUDE THAT THINKS HE'S SMARTER THAN THE DOCTOR.
ALL I'M SAYING IS, PICTURE AN AWESOME SATURDAY-- SEND THE BITCHES HOME AFTER SOME AWESOME FUCKING, DRINK SOME NATTY BO'S, WATCH SOME FUCKING A-TEAM AND AIRWOLF AND DUKES OF HAZZARD AND FOOTBALL AND RACING, TELL SOME JOKES. WHICH CANDIDATE WOULD HANG OUT AND KNOW HOW AWESOME THE DOCTOR IS, AND WHEN THE DOCTOR TELLS A BAD ASS JOKE, HE'D BE LIKE, "HAHA!!!! THAT'S A GOOD ONE, DOCTORAWESOMEFUCK!!!" YEAH, YOU ALL KNOW WHOSE AWESOMER TO CHILL WITH.
AWESOMER-BUSH
SO THOSE ARE THE MAIN ISSUES AND SHIT TO THE DOCTOR, BESIDES LETTING THE LADIES KNOW EXACTLY WHY THEY CALL ME WHAT THEY CALL ME. BUT SINCE WE'RE ALL TIED, WE NEED ONE MORE TOPIC. I WAS GONNA TALK ABOUT STEM CELLS, BUT I THINK ALL YOU BITCHES SHOULD FEEL GOOD ABOUT STEM CELLS, CAUSE EVERYBODY'S GOT STEM CELLS. HOW DO I KNOW? WELL, BECAUSE I'M A DOCTOR, MOTHERFUCKER!!!!! SO INSTEAD, HERE'S THE TIEBREAKER.
"A WOMAN'S RIGHT TO CHOOSE" A WOMAN CAN ALWAYS CHOOSE WHEN SHE'S WITH THE DOCTOR. IN THE ASS, ON THE TITS, DOGGYSTYLE, 6, 7, 23 FUCKIN ORGASMS!!! SHE CAN CHOOSE ANY OF THAT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! NEITHER PRESIDENT DUDE TALKS MUCH SMACK ABOUT HOW THEY GIVE IT TO THEIR WIVES, BUT HERE'S THE THING. LAURA BUSH, THAT HUNNY'S ALWAYS SMILING, AND SHE JUST SITS BACK AND LETS HER MAN DO ALL THAT PRESIDENT SHIT WHILE SHE HANGS OUT WITH OTHER WORLD LEADER BITCHES. NOW, THAT HEINZ HUNNY, SHE SHOULD BE ALL HAPPY LIKE THAT AWESOME CHICK PARIS HILTON, CAUSE SHE'S ALL RICH AND SHOULD BE ABLE TO FIND A DUDE TO GIVE IT TO HER GOOD. BUT INSTEAD SHE'S ALL UP AND ACTIVE AND OBVIOUSLY MISSING THAT GOOD GOOD SHIT. THAT DR. AWESOMEFUCK STYLE SHIT!!
AWESOMER- BUSH
SO THE CHOICE IS EASY,
VOTE PRESIDENTDOCTORAWESOMEFUCK CAUSE I'M FUCKING AWESOMER THAN EITHER OF THESE FUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT SINCE THE DOCTOR IS WELL UNDER 40, LADIES, IN A SCIENTIFIC TEST, BUSH IS A LITTLE AWESOMER THAN KERRY. SO IF YOU WANT TO VOTE FOR THE AWESOMEST DUDE ON THE BALLOT, VOTE BUSH. BUT DON'T FORGET, KERRY'S KINDA AWESOME TOO. IN THE END IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO YOU VOTE FOR, JUST VOTE BITCHES, OR DITTY WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP!!
I'M FUCKING DONE WRITING BITCHES. I'M AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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b at 1:21 PM
Finally!
Man oh man, the wait is finally-- Finally!-- over! My Boston Red Sox ARE
WORLD CHAMPIONS!!! Man, I am so HAPPY!
When I was a kid growing up in New York, all of the other kids gave me shit because I was a Red Sox fan. "1918" they would chant. There were many days when I would run home crying, wondering if my beloved Red Sox would ever win the World Series. Well, last night they finally did!
GOD I LOVE THE RED SOX!
So today is a day of celebration, for myself, as well as the other no-longer-suffering members of the Red Sox Nation! I can't really explain this feeling, and I don't know how to express it. Part of me wants to run outside and set some cars on fire and kill a 21 year old, because that's what you do when you're happy, right?
Even if I don't riot outwardly today, just know that I'm rioting on the inside. I mean, I never thought I'd be able to experience a championship in my lifetime. So many Red Sox fans have come and gone over the past 100 years, with most of them NEVER seeing our Sox win. But here I am, at the age of 24, celebrating my team's first championship in 86 years! Yes, I know how lucky I am.
I know there are going to be a lot of front-running Sox fans coming out of the woodwork now. Me, and all of the other true Sox fans, will be able to spot them a mile away. Well, let me be the first one to say: Get off the bandwagon, we don't want you. As a true member of the Red Sox Nation, I welcome your congratulations, but that's it. You haven't suffered like I suffered. I, Bob, am a real Red Sox fan, win or lose. Thankfully, today it's "win."
So goodbye 1918, goodbye Buckner, goodbye Boone, goodbye Pesky, and most of all... goodbye Curse. Today is a great day to be alive, and more importantly, a great day to be a Red Sox Fan!
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b at 10:32 AM
One Good Apple
If you had the chance to start reading
The Sports Guy back when he was an unknown sports writer in Boston, you would've, right? Of course. Well, if you're a sports fan you really can't pass up on
Apple Sports Life. My buddy Dan, sportswriter extraordinaire, has started a blog to talk about-- what else-- Apple Sports. Start reading today.
Joel Sherman of the New York Post put it best in his column Friday when he called this year's Yankees team a group of "souless mercenaries". Sherman is absolutely right -- even if his Post headshot reveals he most likely remains a virgin. Every Yankees fan knew deep down that this group would not breed a champion. Not even at 3-0. It had none of the pedigree of the Torre 90s teams that got by more on guts than gusto. These Yankees were hired guns, assembled to clean up George's mess. A mess he had been predicating since Luis Gonzalez bloop single dropped from the Arizona sky in November of 2001.
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b at 1:00 PM
recent halloween costumes recap
1996 - A Woman. It was a last minute costume, and yes, I looked disgusting.
1997 - Ginger Spice. At Pearl River High School, only the seniors were allowed to dress up. So, 4 of my friends and I decided to go as the Spice Girls. Naturally, I was Sexy Spice, and yes, I looked disgusted. I squeezed into one of my sister's old dance recital outfits, wore stockings to hide my hairy legs, borrowed size 10 platform shoes from an oafy girl I knew, sported a red wig, and had gi-normous fake breasts. I may have been nasty, but as a unit we looked great. Sure, Sporty Spice was sick and wore a jacket, and Scary Spice forgot to wear deodorant that day, but besides that we were golden. Most disturbing part? Posh Spice actually had some sexy legs.
1998 - Freshman year of college, I can't remember. 'Nuff said.
1999 - The Towson Fencing Team. Borrowing a page from
The State, 4 of us were members of the Fencing Team. We all wore white buttoned down shirts, had labels that said "Towson Fencing," bought fencing helmets, and carried tiny fencing swords. And oh yeah, we all had green tights with tremendous bulges. Mine went down to my knee, Alan's wrapped around his leg, Steve had a bulge going down each leg, and Eric had 2 tremendous balls. We went to Fells Point, and got our picture taken a lot that night.
2000 - My Fake ID. My goal that year was simply to get into the bars in Fells Point without a problem. So, I covered my face with white makeup, put on a wig, and basically made myself look as completely nondescript as possible. It worked.
2001 - A Group of Retarded Kids on A Class Trip. Okay, are you done being mad yet? The costume was great. We were all dressed uniquely-- I had on a hockey helmet, a tight yellow & red striped shirt, and I only shaved parts of my face. Alan wore fake antler and had a lunchbox. Brian wore earmuffs. And luckily, Eric is actually retarded. We all bought velcro shoes from Wal-Mart, and wore nametags that our first names and last initial. I was BobbyC. And of course since no class trip is complete without some supervision, Afro Brian was our teacher. People loved us... I think.
2002 - A 1980's ABA Basketball Player. Probably the only costume I'll ever wear that the shirt is so tight it doesn't come down past my bellybutton. You know what, let's make that, "hopefully the only costume I'll ever wear..."
2003 - A Dirty Old Man. And the girlfriend was a High School Girl. I like to call that "foreshadowing." (hopefully)
And 2004... MUGATU. And I will be traveling with Zoolander and Hansel, of course. That Hansel... he's so hot right now.
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b at 5:25 PM
3 Quick Things
1. The Ashlee Simpson thing is awesome. I wouldn't be a true blogger if I didn't at least mention that. Last night on Tough Crowd, Scott Thompson from the Kids In The Hall had the best take on it. (I'm paraphrasing) "I don't understand why she ran off stage when she has two perfectly good tits right there. All she had to do was pull one out. That's why God gave us genitals, to whip out when we're bombing."
2. I promised my friend Helene that I would mention that a bunch of us went out for dinner at Avenue A Sushi on Sunday night. Since Helene is very attractive, it's probably in my best interest to do so. And.
3. I wrote the hate mail. I figured I was long overdue for some, and it's always good to be in the front of the backlash, right? But anyway, thank you to all the people in the comments section that agreed with how much I suck. I know you were just kidding... right guys?... right?...
A real update is coming a little later. I love you.
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b at 10:20 AM
your blog sucks
Hi, I'm just writing you today to inform you that your blog sucks.
First of all, it's not very funny. I know you think it is, but it isn't. It used to be kinda funny like a couple of months ago, but lately it's just been boring. Remember in the beginning when you noted that your life 'wasn't exciting enough' to write about? What happened to that? Let me fill you in-- your life still isn't exciting enough to write about, so stop torturing us with it.
And enough with the Yankees already. They lost. Get over yourself. Nobody wants to hear another Yankee fan bitch about losing to the Red Sox. Suck it up, pussy.
When it's not boring me to sleep, your blog pisses me the fuck off. Why should I give a shit what you're listening to? "OOh, look at me, I listen to Ted Leo and Dizzee Rascal because I'm SO fucking indie. I bet you've never even heard of them, but I looove them because I live in Brooklyn and I think I'm hot shit." Guess what asshole. The reason that nobody outside of New York listens to that shit is because it SUCKS. Nobody is impressed that you're listening to crap that other people don't listen to.
I'm also sick of looking at the back of your fucking head. I bet the reason you have that picture up there is because you don't want people to see your ugly ass face. Jewish and Italian? I bet its heinous. Oh, and you can take down your stand up schedule... nobody is ever going to come see you.
And quit hating on Aaron Karo. He's a thousand times funnier than you'll ever be.
I don't want to end this on a bad note, so allow me to compliment you on the one thing you got right. In your "where I'm going" section you don't have anything listed. Well, "bob" that's pretty dead on. You're going nowhere, and I'm glad you know it.
Eat shit.
- a fan
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b at 1:41 PM
St. Louis Cardinals political advertisements
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Ben Affleck starred in Gigli. Ben Affleck dated Jennifer Lopez, creating a monster known as "Bennifer" that America could not escape from. Ben Affleck also starred in Bounce. Ben Affleck is about as unlikeable of a guy as you could possibly find. And Ben Affleck wants the Red Sox to win the World Series. Now America, you have to ask yourself this question: After all Ben Affleck has put us through, do you want Ben Affleck to be happy? Of course you don't. That's why you must root for the St. Louis Cardinals this October. The St. Louis Cardinals: they'll make Ben Affleck miserable.
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Boston has the New England Patriots. Boston has John Kerry. Boston has the band Aerosmith. Does Boston really need a Red Sox World Series victory? No. Root for St. Louis-- all they have is Nelly.
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Babe Ruth once said, "Without me, the Red Sox will never win another World Series." Honor a dead man's wishes, root for the Cardinals.
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Curt Schilling says that he wants to bring a World Championship to Boston. Curt Schilling says that he loves the city of Boston, and its fans. Curt Schilling says he's going to do whatever he can to help his team win. Well, Curt Schilling also eats babies. Live ones. I've seen him do it, and it's disgusting. Root for St. Louis-- because they don't have any baby eaters.
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Boston says they want to win the World Series, but if you look at their record over the past 86 years, it's quite clear that Boston is actually AGAINST winning the World Series. How are we supposed to trust a team that says one thing, but then does another? Root for St. Louis-- their record speaks for itself.
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St. Louis: nobody died during
our victory celebrations.
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b at 11:39 AM
This sucks.
I don't want to talk about it.
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b at 11:57 AM
so not funny
I'm not even going to say it. I'm not going to mention it, I'm not going to write about it, and I'm trying my hardest not even think about it.
Just know, that there is no conceivable way that I could be funny or amusing today. And, I never thought I'd say this, but there is a chance that I will be even less funny and amusing tomorrow. Of course, this all depends on how the night unfolds.
I, just like several friends of mine, have spent the day in a coma-like state. I'm exhausted, both mentally and physically. And I know that tonight is going to test me in ways I haven't been tested in slightly over a year. I'm not looking forward to it, and to be honest it, I don't think I'm ready for it. But I have no choice.
Best of luck tonight, everybody. And hopefully you'll be hearing back from me tomorrow.
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b at 4:48 PM
I'm The Best
Q. What has 2 thumbs and made
The Best of Craigslist?
A. This guy!
Imagine how awesome I'd be if I actually tried.
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b at 1:23 PM
the rules of fall
A while back I wrote my
rules of summer. Well, let's keep the tradition alive and go to the
Rules of Fall.
1) I will roll my eyes when somebody suggests that we go upstate to "check out the foliage"
2) I will spend money to wash and dryclean 10 shirts that I didn't wear at all last winter, and won't wear again this winter.
3) Although it may seem like a good idea going to sleep with the window open, I will wake up frozen and sick.
4) As I flip past a college football game on TV, I will fondly remember how great college was (even though we had a terrible football team).
5) Inevitably, I will start dating a girl a few weeks before Christmas, and then be forced to deal with the whole "what do I get her for Christmas, I don't want this to be awkward" thing.
6) I will be freezing and underdressed on Halloween.
7) In a way, I'm kind of going to miss the whole Vote Or Die thing. Actually, no I won't.
8) I will somehow get involved in a beard growing competition with my male coworkers.
9) Since everybody I know was born in November for some reason, I will forget somebody's birthday.
10) I no longer have to come up with excuses for spending a Saturday afternoon hungover on my couch. "It's cold outside," will do.
11) I will attempt to go to a mall the day after Thanksgiving, because I am an idiot.
12) The "Which is better: wearing a jacket and being hot at the bar or leaving the jacket and being cold outside the bar?" question will remain unanswered for yet another year.
13) Somebody in the office will start talking about Christmas FAR too early.
14) Snakefish will take over the state of Maryland by force.
15) I will refer to the season as "autumn" just to be a prick.
16) I will be called a bad Jew because I have no fucking clue when Hanukkah starts this year.
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b at 6:36 PM
intelligence-- the boston edition
INTELLIGENT: When drinking in excess, it's always a good idea to drink water too.
UNINTELLIGENT: Deciding that instead of drinking water, switching to Bud Light is just as good.
Sure, Bud Light might go down like water, but guess what, it's not water. Whoops.
INTELLIGENT: When surrounded by Red Sox fans, it's a good idea to be respectful to their team.
UNINTELLIGENT: Standing up after an A-Rod homerun and yelling, "HOW 'BOUT THAT BOSTON! YOU COULD'VE HAD HIM IF YOU SPENT ANOTHER 12 MILLION. YEAH!"
All it took was a quick glance around at the bar to realize that Dan and I were the only Yankees fans in attendance. And when the game started, we both did our best to conceal our allegiance to the Evil Empire. When the Yanks scored early we celebrated, but quietly. Little high fives, fist pumps, and things of that nature. However, after Boston tied it up and the Sox fans were going crazy, and after a few more pitchers of Octoberfest, lets just say that we lost our ability to be subtle. Okay, that's an understatement; we were standing on our chairs, screaming, and high fiving as the Yankees scored run after run. And just so you know, Dan yelled the A-Rod line, not me.
INTELLIGENT: Not bringing an umbrella to a bar when you're hanging out with guys.
UNINTELLIGENT: Bringing an umbrella to a bar when you're hanging out with guys.
Sure it was raining out, but when Mike broke out his umbrella I knew it was a bad idea. When we finally got kicked out of the bar a little after 2, Mike made the mistake of opening the umbrella up. It only took two seconds for it to get snatched out of his hands and used as a weapon. And for the record, when you're drunk, there might not be a funnier sight than seeing a friend beat the shit out of another friend with an open umbrella.
INTELLIGENT: When ordering a shot, it's always good to ask for specific alcohol by name.
UNINTELLIGENT: Drinking a shot that the bartender calls "Bar Tequila."
Bar none, the single worst shot I've ever had in my entire life. The 3 of us that took it were all ready to die immediately afterwards. I grabbed the salt and started pouring it directly into my mouth to get the taste out, it was that bad. I can't even explain how awful it was... it tasted like Tequila, but not regular Tequila. It tasted like Tequila mixed with AIDS. You know what, that's how I'd describe it.
INTELLIGENT: When talking to girls, be yourself.
UNINTELLIGENT: Us.
I think the most fun I had all weekend was this conversation I had with Mark. We were standing near the bar on Friday night, and this really attractive girl ended up standing next to us. Rather than approach her, and rather than act like normal civilized human beings, Mark and I began yelling at the top of our lungs to each other.
ME: I AM INCREDIBLY WEALTHY.
MARK: I KNOW. NOT ONLY ARE YOU RICH BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS, BUT YOU ARE ALSO ONE OF THE MOST AMAZING HUMAN BEINGS I KNOW.
ME: DON'T SELL YOURSELF SHORT, BUDDY. I MEAN, YOU ARE A MILLIONAIRE AS WELL.
MARK: I KNOW. GRANTED, I HAVE SEVERAL HOUSES AND DOZENS OF CARS, BUT I'M REALLY JUST LOOKING FOR A WOMAN THAT I CAN SPEND MY MONEY ON.
ME: SAME HERE. GOD, I'M RICH.
And this went on and on and on. Surprisingly, this tactic didn't work. I can't imagine why.
INTELLIGENT: Not dancing.
UNINTELLIGENT: Dancing.
It's never a good thing on Sunday morning when you have to ask somebody, "Whoa whoa whoa, wait a second. Was I dancing last night? I remember being on a dance floor somewhere." Never. Good. Ever. It dawned on me, that yes, I definitely did some dancing. But not just any dancing... from what I recall it was the gayest dancing ever. Like hands above my head, hip swiveling dancing. But yeah, I was doing it to be funny... um, I think.
So overall, Boston was a good time. We stayed out of trouble, didn't get into any fights, watched a hell of a lot of sports, and drank a hell of a lot of Octoberfest, Sam Adams style. You know, I think Boston is a really great city... it's a shame they have the Red Sox there.
Let's go Yankees.
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b at 2:11 PM
no big shockah heah
Well, after an incredibly long week here at work, I've packed up my stuff and I'm headed off to Boston for the weekend. It's probably a bad idea... in fact, it's definitely a bad idea. Four Yankees fans heading into the heart of Beantown during games 3,4, and 5 of the Yankees-Red Sox American League Championship Series? Harmless enough. Hey, how about after we each drink a dozen beers and find ourselves in a bar with tons of Sox fans? Um, yeah, not so harmless.
I always seem to get incredibly fucked up in Boston. I'm not sure why, but it's probably from, um, drinking a lot. You know what, I bet that's what does it. A couple of years ago while visiting, we went to a bar called
The Harp. We got to the bar at about 11 o'clock, after pregaming for a few hours back at my friend's place. So naturally I was ridiculously drunk. I know I was drunk, because I remember that there was a cover band on stage. And I remember that when they started playing "Nookie" by Limp Bizkit, I actually thought, "Wow, this is the music of my generation. Alright." *shudder*
THAT'S how drunk I was.
That same night, I did one of the most dickish slash stupidest things I've ever done. The place was packed, so it was a pain in the ass to get a drink at the bar. After some maneuvering, I finally wedge myself up against the bar and get the bartender's attention. I order 4 Bud Lights, and when the guy drops them in front of me I calmly say, "Johnson." You know, indicating that I was on the "Johnson" tab. The bartender spins around and heads over to the register, and on that note I BOOK IT into the crowd. I grab my friend Greg, thrust a beer in his hand, and yell, "Go, go, go!" Nobody had any idea what I did until the cab ride home. I mean, that's pretty bad.
I don't know what's worse; the thought that there was actually a Johnson tab at the bar and I was adding drinks to it, or the fact that there probably wasn't a Johnson tab and the bartender turned back around ready to murder me. The next day everybody was like, "You are so lucky you didn't get the shit beat out of you by the bouncers last night." As bad as I felt, I'd be lying to say that I wasn't a tiny bit proud that I pulled it off. Wouldn't you be? I'll never do that again, but at least I got away with it once... and it was in Boston, so you know, fuck 'em.
Have a good weekend kids. And if you're in Boston, say hi. I'll be the drunk Yankees fan with the curly hair and (probably) a couple of black eyes.
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b at 4:49 PM
so, so funny
For the past couple of weeks I've been debating writing a post full of advice for college kids. The reason I haven't is because I don't want people to say that I was stealing Aaron Karo's schtick, mainly because, well,
I HATE Aaron Karo.
Now, I know that most people reading this have no clue who he is. Allow me to explain. He's the guy that wrote a column called
Ruminations on College Life a few years back, and became a semi-internet celebrity by having this column emailed and forwarded to kids all over the country. Good for him. He was also somehow able to parlay that bit into a career. Again, good for him.
Please know that I'm not a "hatah." I'm also not a bitter comedian. I haven't been doing comedy long enough to be one. I'm not jealous of this guy's success at all, I swear. In fact, giving credit where credit is due, the first few editions of Ruminations were really funny. They were pretty dead-on, detailing those bizarre first few months of college. I remember being at school and reading it and thinking, "Yeah, why
doesn't the shower curtain cover the whole shower?? This guy is a genius!"
But the kid couldn't leave well enough alone. Even after he graduated college, he kept writing columns full of these "witty" observations, and they were just awful. A column that was once about the intricacies of college life turned into this guy just bragging about how much money he was making, how much money he would've made if he didn't quit his fancy job, how much money his friends make, how much girls love him, and how funny he is. A little while back, he put an end to his column because he-- ready?-- because he has a girlfriend now.
That's why he quit. Unbelievable. But do not fret, a few weeks ago he decided to pick it back up. So he's back now. Um, hooray?
You know why I don't like Aaron Karo, aside from the fact that everybody I know that's either met him or received an email response from him says he's a scumbag? I don't like him because... okay, here's a story to illustrate it. When I was in Vegas I was walking back to my room and there were 3 cute girls walking in front of me. As we're all about to walk into the hotel from the pool area, a tall guy wearing a visor ran in front of the girls and asked them what they were doing that night. They kind of giggled and avoided the question. Then the guy responds, "Well, I hope I run into you girls, because what happens in Vegas STAYS in Vegas!"
And the girls all laughed. Genuinely. And a little piece of me died.
That's Aaron Karo. The easy joke. The "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." I can't stand that.
AlexisT, who knows about my dislike of all things Karo, thoughtfully sent me his latest edition of Ruminations. For fun, I'm going to list 4 "jokes" right here. Two of them are from the most recent Ruminations, the other 2 I'm going to write as they come to my head. See if you can pick out the two that Aaron Karo deemed funny enough to include in a column.
(1)
Way too many things are made with honey mustard these days. Honey mustard dressing. Honey mustard chicken. Honey mustard pretzels. Let me be the first to say it - honey mustard is played out.
(2)
Ice cream cones are really bizarre. Isn't it strange that we're using this thing to hold what we're eating, and then when we're done we eat it too? Now if only the corn dog people can figure out how to make those sticks edible, I'd be a happy guy.
(3)
I saw a lady on the subway reading 'seventeen' magazine. I thought that it was kind of strange that she was reading it considering she was definitely in her 20's. So that's when I decided that I was going to start publishing 'twenties' magazine.
(4)
I hate people who wear nice clothes on Saturday afternoon even if they're not going anywhere. If I look around, guys are wearing dress shoes, khakis, polo shirts. Why? It's Saturday. Afternoon. I'm not even wearing socks, let alone something with a collar.
So can you tell who's who? The answers are in the Comments section. Fuck me!
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b at 3:45 PM
busy busy day
Every once in a while I'm too busy to blog because I work on America's premiere weekly pop culture TV show,
Best Week Ever. Today was one of those days. What occupied my time? Well, I had to sit in on an interview, transcribe some tapes, script a segment, screen through some footage and... oh yeah...
make 2 puppets have sex on camera.
Watch the show this Friday. I'll be back tomorrow.
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b at 5:08 PM
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!
'When John Kerry is president, people like Christopher Reeve are going to walk. Get up out of that wheelchair and walk again'--John Edwards
Did you read that people??? If we elect John Kerry president, he is going to
RAISE THE DEAD! WOW! How can you
not vote for Kerry now? The man will not only bring back Christopher Reeve, and dead people like Christopher Reeve, but he'll bring them back better than ever! I have to vote for Kerry now. Bush has done absolutely nothing for dead people since he's been in office, ya know?
A Vote for Kerry is a Vote for the Resurrection of Dead Cripples.
I'm getting a bumper sticker that says that.
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b at 1:55 PM
i am the best of men
Yesterday I got one of those shocking but not surprising phone calls. There aren't many calls that fit into that category, other than, "You have herpes," "Christopher Reeves is dead," and "I'm engaged." Well, luckily the call I received focused solely on the last two, and mainly on the whole "I'm engaged" thing. My buddy, Alan Morgan, is engaged to be married... wow.
For the record, this is freaking the shit out of me. I mean, Alan was my college roommate for all 4 years at Towson. We met and became friends immediately freshman year, when we discovered that were eerily similar to one another. We were born 1 week apart, both 1/2 Jewish, both had parents that got divorced when we were kids, both had girlfriends that we were breaking up with, and both owned every single Shaquille O'Neal CD at the time. Oh no, wait. We both didn't own every Shaq CD, only he did. Musical taste aside, though, it was an instant friendship. So why is this freaking the shit out of me? Because he's engaged to be married, and I'm no closer to settling down now than I was when we met in 1998
(read: not very close at all).
Now here's the kicker: Alan asked me to be the Best Man at the wedding. I'm a bit nervous, because I finally saw
American Wedding this weekend, and I realized just how many things can go wrong.
I think I'm an ideal Best Man, though. I'm already looking forward to writing the Best Man speech, and if I was Alan, I'd be nervous as hell. Do you really want the guy that lived with you during college, and shared a room with you for 2 years, to have the opportunity to stand up in front of your family and friends and tell them all about you? I mean, it's conceivable that I can start the speech out with the line, "I remember laying awake in our dorm room at night, listening to Alan sucking on an ugly girl's toes, and thinking, I hope I'm the best man at his wedding someday." And I wouldn't be lying. I should not be given alcohol and a microphone in a room full of people. I'll either end up working blue, or my entire speech is going to be,
"True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend..."
The craziest thing about Alan getting married, and me being the Best Man, is the fact that I feel like I have to grow up a lot before it happens. Can I really stand alongside him as his bride walks down the aisle, and somehow not say, "Well, let me be the first to say congratulations to you man; you have one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart." I don't think I can. And will I be mature enough not to drunkenly hit on all the bridesmaids and make a fool of myself in front of their families? No, probably not. But will I be mature enough to plan out the best fucking bachelor party ever? Now that, I think I can handle.
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b at 1:40 PM
Hoooooo
So the unofficial highlight of my life? About an hour ago I was at the Voiceover Session for
Best Week Ever talking with our VO guy, Larry. Larry's a seasoned veteran who, over the years, has provided the voices of the biggest cartoon characters of our generation. Count Chocula, Tony The Tiger, the Coco Puffs bird, and -get ready for this- ... Lion-O! That's right, Lion-O of the Thundercats! Incredible.
Today I finally had the chance to ask him about Lion-O. He said that he loved how a whole generation of guys react with awe and amazment when they find out that he was the voice. Naturally, I told him that next to He-Man, Thundercats was my favorite show when I was kid. We also talked about the
outtakes that surfaced on the internet, which if you haven't heard them, are fucking hilarious. Anyway, while we're talking about Thundercats he breaks into the Lion-O voice and starts performing. By far one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. If I met Robert DeNiro, and he broke out into the whole "are you talking to me?" routine in front of me, I would not be nearly as impressed as I was hearing Larry yell, "Thunder, Thunder, Thundercats!" as Lion-O. And yes, I am retarded.
Moving on. Yesterday I actually had a great experience at Starbucks. I didn't think that ever actually happened to anybody, but it happened to me. At about 5 o'clock I headed over to the corporate monster to get a cup of coffee to wake me up. The Starbucks guy handed me my Venti cup as I pulled out my wallet. The guy then looks at me and says, "We don't have anybody to work the register." Confused, I wait. "So that means you can leave." Great! So I got myself a nice big cup of free coffee, take that Starbucks! I mean, I'm going to feel bad if I end up putting them out of business, but in the meantime I'm going to enjoy my free Venti joe.
As I left Starbucks, walking back to work I stopped on the corner of 51st & Broadway. Standing there, waiting to cross, all of a sudden I hear the words, "Whoa, look at that," from a guy with a beautiful midwestern accent standing behind me. I glanced across the street to see what he was marvelling over, and there it was: about 30 Jews in full Jew-garb walking down the street. It was either a class trip, or the cast of Fiddler on The Roof was going for a stroll down Broadway. Either way, I loved that this scene was able to elicit a "whoa, look at that" from a Midwestern guy. Luckily, the group didn't know that Starbucks was giving away free coffee, because things would've gotten chaotic, if you know what I mean.
(I'm a Jew, it's okay...)
Have a good weekend, all. I'll see you at the Village Pub Crawl tomorrow.
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b at 2:02 PM
i'm on craigslist now
I've never posted on craigslist before, but I decided it was time.
Here it is.
I had no intention of killing you - m4w - 24 (D to the N)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2004-10-07, 3:55PM EDT
This is my first time posting one of these things. First of all, please let me start by saying that I'm a really normal guy. I've never been, like, a stalker or anything, and I'm a pacifist by nature. I've actually only gotten in one fight ever, and that was in the 9th grade with a guy named Dave over a girl. But that's not the point. The reason I'm writing is because, believe it or not, I had no intention of killing you last night. Oh, I have to do the description thing first, right? Let's get that out of the way.
You: Very attractive hipster girl. Shoulder length red hair that you were wearing up. You were also wearing a green sweater, and a skirt. Oh, and you had on pretty hot boots. I feel weird typing that, because I'm not a shoe person by any means, and I'm definitely not a foot person. Don't get me wrong, I don't think there's anything wrong with being a foot person. In fact, I wish I was into feet. I mean, how exciting would that be? I have feet. If I were into feet, all I would have to do is look down at my feet and pretend that they were somebody else's, and that would probably do it for me. But unfortunately, it does not. I've been trying to get into feet, but it's not working. If I'm on the subway or something, I'll stare at a girl's feet, but the whole time I feel like I'm watching a Clay Aiken video or something. I'm just thinking, "I don't get it. What's the appeal here? Who could possibly like this?" But in the end, I'm going to try to masturbate to it. Like the Clay Aiken video. Sorry, I'm getting sidetracked. You were wearing boots.
Me: White sweater, curly hair. I was wearing glasses, but I usually wear contacts. I was tired, and emotionally drained from the amazing 12 inning Yankees game that I was heading home from. And unfortunately, I was also sober. Had I not been sober, perhaps I would've tried to make drunken small talk. Actually, I wouldn't have. I've never talked to a girl on the subway before because I don't want to be creepy. Which leads me to the title of the post...
Okay, so we both got on the D train at Bleecker at around 12:30. You caught me catching a couple of quick glances your way, which I hope you interpreted as "flattering" rather than "terrifying." When the train stopped at Atlantic Ave in Brooklyn, we both got off. You kind of walked up next to me, so I began thinking about saying something. You know, like "Man, the R train never comes at night" or something amazingly clever and humorous like that. But I didn't. When the R pulled up and we both boarded, I made it a point to sit on the opposite side of the train, just to make sure you wouldn't think I was creepy. But then, coincidentally, we both got off the same stop AGAIN.
Walking towards the exit, I'm sure it didn't help matters that we were the only people in the subway station and I was a few feet behind you. When you turned around to see who was behind you, I'd like to think that you were checking me out, but I know in reality it was because you were scared for your life. I'm pretty sure you even grabbed something in your purse, probably mase. Since I didn't want to make you uncomfortable, I picked up my pace and walked past you. Of couse, when we got to the turnstiles my gentleman's instinct took over, and I allowed you to go first. That was probably scary. I thought about saying something like, "Don't worry, I'm a normal guy, I'm not going to kill you," but I decided that that is even creepier than not saying anything at all.
Leaving the station, I ran ahead of you up the stairs and immediately crossed the street, with nary a look back. So see, I had no intention of killing you. I'm a good guy. I've only killed once before, but he was a hobo so it doesn't count. C'mon, we all remember that little rhyme we learned as kids: "Killing a Hobo isn't a No-no." Remember?
But anyway, I hope I didn't accidentally make you uncomfortable last night, and I also hope that you didn't think that I was socially inept and scared of girls. Or gay. I was just scared of making you scared, because I'm a nice guy, that's all. So we should get a drink at The Gate sometime, and I promise that I won't kill you.
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b at 3:38 PM
are you ready for some baseball?
So tonight I'm going to see the Killers at Irving Plaza with a few friends. We got these tickets a while ago, and one of these friends -- Mark -- has been looking more forward to this show than the eventual loss of his own virginity. All I'm saying is, the boy is excited.
One problem though: Yankees playoff baseball starts tonight.
After unsuccessfully trying to swap our tickets on
craigslist for last night's show, we've come to grips with the fact that we're going to have to miss the bulk of tonight's
Yankees-Twins game... but not all of it. See, here's what we're thinking: We need somebody on the inside. If you're going to the Killers show tonight, IM me or send me an email and let me know, and I will gladly buy you a beer if you call me immediately before the Killers take the stage. Now, this is a high-stakes operation, so don't volunteer if you don't think you can handle it. We will be stationed at a bar nearby, watching the game, and anticipating your call. Upon receiving the call, we will "book it" to Irving, buy you a beer, and proceed to dance inanely to "Mr. Brightside." Everyone wins.
Speaking of winning, um, let's go Yankees! I know everybody and their mothers (and The Post) have been complaining about the Yankees starting rotation all season, but I'm not too worried. I mean, I'm concerned, but not worried. The Yankees are going to blow by the Twins, squeak by the Angels, and battle the hell out of the Cardinals in the end. It's going to be great. I'm going to try to stop now, because I don't want to come off as sounding like a retarded, uneducated Yankees fan. It's easy to start making predictions with your heart rather than your head... yes, I'm talking to you
Bill Simmons. The Red Sox? Come on.
But anyway, if you're going to be at the show tonight, let me know. This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Go Yanks.
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b at 1:48 PM
a letter
Dear Mark David Chapman,
Hi Mark, how's it going? I thought I'd write you a letter to wish you the best of luck at your parole hearing this week. Now, I definitely don't support what you did, or think that it was "cool"... in fact, to be honest, I kind of hope you don't make parole. However, I figured that since there's a chance you might, I'd write you a letter and welcome you back to the real world.
First of all, a lot has happened since you went away. I'm not going to waste time telling you everything that's gone down, but I do recommend that you check out VH1's
I Love The 80's,
I Love The 80's Strikes Back, I Love The 90's, and the upcoming
I Love The 90's Part Deux to get brought up to speed. You'll see that a lot has changed in the last 20-plus years, and nothing has changed more than popular music.
There are tons of new bands out there, Mark, that I think you should check out. First and foremost, please allow me to recommend a band named
Limp Bizkit. Limp Bizkit has been one of the biggest bands over the past few years, and I think you'll love them. Well, I hope you'll love them. The lead singer, Fred Durst, is so talented, and such a wonderful song writer... and so easy to relate to. I think you should pick up 1999's
Significant Other, or 2000's
Chocolate Starfish and the Hotdog Flavored Water ASAP! Durst, by the way, is from Florida, however I think he currently resides in Los Angeles. I can look that up for you, if you'd like. I mean, just in case you were curious...
Now, while I definitely think you should devote most of your newfound freedom living, breathing, and loving Limp Bizkit (and Fred Durst), there are other bands that you should take the time to check out too. You've probably never heard of
Yellowcard, but you should give them a listen. And the boys of
Hoobastank have a few catchy tunes too. In fact, as a kind gesture, if you're released this week I'll make you a mix tape. The tracklisting will probably look something like this.
1. Limp Bizkit - "My Way"
2. Yellowcard - "Ocean Avenue"
3. Hoobastank - "The Reason"
4. Limp Bizkit - "My Way"
5. Evanescence - "Bring Me To Life"
6. Maroon 5 - "She Will Be Love"
7. Coheed & Cambria - "Devil In Jersey City"
8. Limp Bizkit - "My Way"
9. Nickelback - "Feelin' Way Too Damn Good"
10. Limp Bizkit - "Rollin"
But anyway. Again, good luck this week. And if you manage to get out, I'll be waiting for you with 2 Limp Bizkit tickets in hand. Because I want to be there when it happens... I mean, when you see them.
All the best,
bob castrone
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b at 1:25 PM
my take on the debate: from a guy who didn't watch it
First of all, the debate last night was absolutely incredible. I can't believe the fireworks that went off in that... auditorium in... Florida? I want to say Florida. Let's say Florida.
The moderator... Sam Donaldson? Yeah, sure. Sam Donaldson. The moderator, Sam Donaldson, wasted no time getting right to the hard questions. Going into the debate, America knew that both John Kerry and George W. Bush were going to have to address the big issues, such as the war in Iraq, the war on terror... um... the war on drugs? No. The war on war? No, that's a Wilco song. I think that's it with the wars. But there were other big issues they knew they'd be talking about too.
The debate started with discussion about the... homeland, or as I like to call it, America. Both Bush and Kerry agreed that the Homeland should be secure. However, when Kerry said it, he pointed to people using his thumb like Clinton used to. When Bush said it, he looked like a monkey. A cute monkey, though, so America decided as a whole that Bush won the debate on the issue of Homeland Security.
Next, the debate focused on the War on Terror. Once again, both candidates agreed that terror was bad. In fact, this is the reason that Ralph Nader was not allowed to participate in the debates... because he once stated that terror was... it was 'okay in moderation.' Yeah, that's what he said. So there was to be no Nader tonight. But I digress. While Bush and Kerry both agreed that terror was not good for America, they still managed to find things to argue about. Kerry said that if he was president, there would be no more terror, while Bush said that if Kerry was president, there would be more terror than we could even imagine. Immediately after saying this, Bush raised both his hands next to his face, made claws, and went "ChhHHCHCHH." This tactic was meant to scare Americans. Pundits are still unsure whether this helped or hurt the President.
After they wrapped up discussions on the War on Terror, the debate shifted to a completely unrelated topic: The War in Iraq. Now, everybody knows by now that Kerry was for being not for the war, because he didn't not vote against it but he did vote for it, but not. So, while Kerry's position was clear as day, Bush's was a little more indecisive. Bush said that removing Saddam Hussein was a good enough reason for going to war, while Kerry said that while removing Saddam was cool and all, now we have to deal with all that shit out there. When he said this, the networks cut back to Bush just in time to see him mouth, "Oh shit, he's right" to one of his advisors. But before he could build any momentum, Kerry quickly declared that he likes dealing with all the shit out there, thereby confusing Americans once again.
After those three big issues were dealt with, the debate shifted to some of the other big issues that affect our nation. They debated on the economy, women's rights... um, steroids... yep, Bush started talking about steroids again, which led to a discussion about how unbelievable it is that the New England Patriots have gone 378 days without losing a football game. Kerry let out a loud "Go Pats!" which pollsters deemed 'unnecessary, considering he's from there.'
All in all, the debate was a wash. Bush came off as cute and lovable, and made you want to take care of him like an adorable 3-legged pug or something. Kerry came off like George Hamilton in
Doc Hollywood. So after (not) watching this debate, I'm not going to lie to you: I'm just as confused now as I was when I didn't care. Luckily, there are 2 more debates to come. Keep up the good work, ya goofy bastards!
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b at 2:46 PM
