Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Bob On TV
I hardly ever watch TV anymore. I'm not a snob, and I don't think it's "cool" to say that, but it's true. When I actually do feel like being a snob I say, "I don't watch TV... I make it" and then immediately lick my pointer & pinky fingers and slick back my eyebrows. But I'm not being a snob now, I'm just saying that I hardly ever watch TV anymore.

And that's a shame, because I love TV. I remember coming home from school and flipping on channel 11 (before it was the WB) and watching it for hours. It was always Saved By The Bell, followed by Charles In Charge, then maybe Roseanne or Happy Days, and a bunch of other mediocre middle-of-the-road sitcoms that were constantly being brought in and out of the rotation. I just wish that back in the day I knew I was going to end up working in TV, that way when my mom told me to "turn that crap off" and do my homework, I could've explained that watching Hogan's Family was way, way more important than geometry.

Growing up, I knew exactly what I was watching every night of the week. Friday was obviously the best, thanks to TGIF. Perfect Strangers, Family Matters, Full House, and completely horrible, random fill-ins that I barely remember. Like Camp Wilder, starring Jay Mohr and Jerry O'Connell. Or that sitcom about a hidden video show, or a talk show, or something, starring Heather Locklear. I loved all that crap. If it was on Friday night between the hours of 8 and 10, I was watching it. And some weeks, if I was feeling frisky, I would stay up a little later and watch Hugh Downs on 20/20.

Today, my TV watching is sporadic rather than planned, with the exception of Sunday nights on HBO. Of course, that's only when they're putting out their A-material like Six Feet Under, The Sopranos, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Da Ali G Show, and even Entourage. But since all of those shows are in repeats, and HBO tends to wait 3-7 years to start a new season, I thought I'd quickly go over the three shows I've been watching when I have the time.

Arrested Development - Funniest show on TV, hands down. Nicely filling in the void that Curb Your Enthusiasm has left. Nothing to say that hasn't been said already by every critic under the sun. Now, with that out of the way...

Desperate Housewives - Actual quote from a friend on Friday night: "Not to sound all thirtysomething or anything, but who's your favorite Desperate Housewife?"

Okay, the show's not great. It's not. In fact, I've never been able to watch an entire episode without flipping around. HOWEVER, I kind of love it. And not just because I want to age 15 years overnight and marry Teri Hatcher. And not just because Eva Longoria is easy on the eyes. And not just because it's campy and creepy in the same way that Serial Mom is. No. I love it because if you cut out all of the crap, about 5 minutes of every episode is AWESOME. Well that, and the Eva thing, of course.

Plus, Desperate Housewives pulled my all-time favorite TV move last week. The promos, all week long, "This Sunday, one of the Desperate Housewives gets killed!" Wow! When I first heard that, I was immediately transported back in time to the first season of 90210 when they made a similar promise. "This week, one of the gang is going to die!" Holy Shit! I still remember opening up TV guide and reading those words above a group photo of the kids. And as I looked closer I noticed something... "Hey wait, what's the kid with the cowboy hat doing there? He's not part of the gang." But he was in the photo, so you knew what that meant. I remember all week long kids were saying things like, "I bet it's Dylan! No, it's gonna be Brenda!" Um, no? It's going to be the KID IN THE FUCKING COWBOY HAT!!! Why else do you think they asked him to pose for that photo? I felt bad for him too. Like, I wonder if the producers had a conversation with him.

PRODUCER: Hey, kid with the cowboy hat, come here. (he said that because they didn't know his name)
KID WITH THE COWBOY HAT: Hi sir, what can I do for you?
PRODUCER: Well, there's a group photo taking place in an hour, we want you to be a part of it.
KWTCH: Great! Wow, that's so exciting, thanks.
PRODUCER: No problem. Oh, by the way, next week you're going to twirl a gun around on your finger and blow your brains out in front of David Silver.
KWTCH: (hesitates)(smiles) Oh... cool... thanks.

Essentially, Desperate Housewives did the same thing this week. But DH was even lamer, because they didn't even hint at the possibility it would be the boring character that's hardly ever on screen like 90210 did. They just killed off some random bit part. Oh well. Eva was still easy on the eyes.

And last but not least.

Laguna Beach - Alright, I'm not going to lie to you people: I love this fucking show. Does that make me a terrible person? Yes, yes it does. I've never seen an episode of the O.C., yet I've caught just about every single Laguna Beach since it came out. At first, it was a novelty, like "oh, no way this is real. this is so retarded. come on." But now, I find myself saying things like, "When will LC make a move on Stephen? If she doesn't do it soon she's going to regret it and Stephen is just going to fall harder and harder for Kristin." It's sick. And it's even sicker that I'm already trying to plan a trip to Cabo that coincides with their high school spring break. Did I just type that?

But the show is addictive. Maybe I'm only latching onto it because the Real World: Philly cast is so terrible, and the RW/RR Challenge hasn't been utilizing Brad & Randy from San Diego to their full potential. But I don't think that's it. I think it's because it's fun watching good looking high school kids acting and thinking like what they do is important. You know what I mean? Like your prom date, that's important. Your grades second semester senior year, that's important. Telling that kid that you like them before you graduate, that's important. Until you get to be a sophomore in college and suddenly realize... wait a minute, none of that was important. What was wrong with me???

I hope they do Laguna Beach: 5 Years Later, and make them all watch these old tapes. That would be great TV. LC, turning to a post-Freshman 15 Kristin, and saying, "Yeah, you can have him." Stephen still wearing his Varsity jacket. Talan completely out of the closet. And all of them laughing about how serious they took things back then.

And then there's Bob, still going to Cabo during high school spring break, trying to convince 18 year-old girls that nothing they do in high school really matters.

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b at 2:31 PM

Monday, November 29, 2004

save the date

Well, it's great to be back. After 4 consecutive days of eating the exact same thing, it's nice to return to city living where the closest I come to a home cooked meal is Carve.

To recap the remainder of the weekend in quick, boring fashion: Friday I didn't leave my house until 9pm, Saturday I went to the driving range and hit golf balls for the first time in 2 years (and I'm still sore), and yesterday I went to the Giants-Eagles game. Or, as it turned out, the Eagles game.

But that's not important. What's important is you clear out your calendar on January 8th, 2005. I know, it's a ways away, but I wanted to give you a heads up. So don't make any more plans that night because I'm giving you some right now. Okay?

Oh, you probably want to know why. Well, the night before (Jan. 7th, genius) is a special night. And no, it's the 1 year anniversary of the first time I had consensual sex. That's in March. No, on January 7th I, Bob, am turning 25 years old. BFD, I know, but at least it's an excuse to throw a big ol' party.

While I don't have all the details yet, here's what I've come up with so far. I was up all night working on this:

When: Saturday, Jan. 8th, 2005
Where: TBD

Got it? Cool. And you should come even if you hate me, because it's not just my birthday. My roommate Eric's birthday is Jan. 11. Crazy Mike's birthday is Jan. 6th. And Marc Pattini of The Affair is Jan. 3rd. We're turning a combined 103, which is as good of a reason to go out and party as any.

So come on out. If you're in New York, come. If you're down in Maryland, drive up. If you're in Toronto and you're incredibly good looking, make a weekend of it.

And if you have any ideas about that whole "where" part, help a brotha out.

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b at 4:34 PM

Thursday, November 25, 2004

blogging on thanksgiving
It's 2:41 pm and I'm still drunk.

Driving home from Dan's house this morning, I acknowledged the possibility of becoming the first person in history to get a DWI before noon. Sure, it would be embarrassing, but in a way I'd be kind of proud. I've often wondered how drunk drivers are able to kill so many children each year when 99% of drunk driving happens to occur long after normal children are in bed, but this morning I figured it out. The 1% of drunk driving that results in dead toddlers is a result of the morning after.

I'm worried about the inevitable hangover. I'm guessing it comes at dinnertime. Perfect.

Last night, we did ODB proud. When the initial weather reports hinted that God would be pouring out some of his 40 out on us, we were a little bit nervous. But thankfully, ODB was looking down on us and kept us dry.

We got plaques made up for the winners. They read: Winner, 2004 Ol' Dirty Bastard Memorial Pub Crawl, Pearl River, New York, November 24, 2004, "Shimmy shimmy yall shimmy yam shimmy yay." Sadly, it does not look like I will be keeping one.

It's true. My reign of terror came to an end last night, as my partner Crissy and I fell apart and did NOT win the Crawl for the first time. Sure, we put up a hell of a fight, but in the end we just did not have what it takes to win. But that doesn't mean I don't have my excuses.

See, here's why. Crissy and I have been best of friends since the 5th grade. However, over the course of the past year things soured. In fact, she earned the dubious distinction of being my first friend ever deleted from the cell phone solely because I was angry at them. Up until last night, the two of us hadn't spoken in months. Needless to say, I knew that was going to make things interesting. But I felt that if we could keep our shit together and put our differences aside, Crissy and I could still take it. She'd be Kobe to my Shaq. And yes, the reason she's Kobe is because she once raped a girl in Colorado.

So, she arrived (late!) and we both acted cool. Now, if I could've put money on "by the 7th bar we'll both be outside drunkenly crying and saying how much we miss each other" I would have. It was a sure thing. Nothing mends a broken friendship like Irish Car Bombs, tequila, Jaeger, lemondrops, and countless beers and mixed drinks.

Speaking of tequila, I just burped and that's what it tasted like. Ugh.

But all in all the night was a success. Here's a quick rundown.

1st Stop - JF Keane's - Winner of the "Most People I'd Rather Not Talk To" award. With the exception of a couple of people I graduated with, there were far too many fake smiles and hello's here. But thanks to ODB we were able to look at our watches and announce, "Well, we have to run, but hopefully we'll see you guys later."

2nd Stop - Casey's Tavern - Dan got the owner to agree to $2 Jaeger shots. Brilliant. Also, Andy let me borrow his wedding ring to hit on girls. I mainly used it to obnoxiously hit on my friends, but I think it may have actually worked on the bartender. She was far too good looking to be bartending at a place called Casey's Tavern in Pearl River, and if this was the 8th stop instead of the second, I probably would've told her that. Over and over again. And over. And over.

3rd Stop - Bowling Alley - A Crawl favorite. Nothing says kitsch like drinking at a bar in a bowling alley that looks like it hasn't been renovated since 1973. Crissy and I did a lemondrop shot, which wouldn't have even been worth mentioning if it wasn't for the fact that we were denied sugar by the bartender because it was too old. Gotta love it. Sadly, we left the bowling alley on a bad note because the bartender started yelling when Dan put me in the Million Dollar Dream.

4th Stop - Fennell's - First Irish Car Bomb of the night.

5th Stop - Sheeran's - Don't you love all these Irish bar names? It gets better.

6th Stop - The Parkside - A scary biker bar that's been skipped in the past, the Parkside was probably my favorite bar of the night (other than the bowling alley of course). Played some pool. Did some tequila shots. A creepy townie kept talking to Crissy about her breasts. What's not to love?

7th Stop - Murdy's - Other than the Shaq-Kobe drama, everything is incredibly fuzzy. This is the stop where the wheels officially came off the wagon and the alcohol took over. I might have been there for 5 minutes, I might have been there for 5 hours, I have no effing clue.

8th Stop - The Saloon - The final stop. If I remembered it I'm sure I'd come up with something amusing. I got nothing.

Unfortunately, we had to skip my favorite Pearl River bar, The Hotel, because there was a line and we were rolling 20 deep. We skipped Noonan's for the same reason, and we also skipped Madden's and Fleming's because we were fed up with bars that had possessive names.

The night ended when we walked back to Dan's house and crashed. Of course, this is not counting when Howie and I both inexplicably decided to take a nap on the side of the road. Naturally.

So Happy Thanksgiving.

Have a great weekend.

And I hope to see you all at the 2005 Ruben Studdard Memorial Pub Crawl.

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b at 2:40 PM

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

the big night
Well, here it is. The big night. You're going to go out tonight with old friends, hit up the bars at home that you tried to sneak into when you were still in high school, and inevitably run into people you don't want to see. There are some do's and don'ts that you should try to adhere to when you're stuck talking to people you don't want to be talking to. I figure I'd help you out with that today.

DO: Act a little bit interested, even if the person you're talking to is the least interesting fucker on the planet. "Oh yeah, you're going for your masters? That's great. Hmm? Ah, sociology, interesting." There's a reunion coming up eventually, and you don't want this boring person to tell all their boring friends how much you suck.
DON'T: Act too interested, or else you'll get stuck. Keep the questions to a minimum, and try to look around the bar a little bit when they're answering. Make them repeat themselves a lot too, that way they can figure out that you might rather be talking to someone else, but you're too courteous to just leave.

DO: Lie to people. Why not? Especially people that you want to make think that you're doing way better than you actually are. You know, like the guy you always had a friendly rivalry with, or the girl that acted just a little too cool for school. Let them know that you're really successful in your field, that you've been promoted faster than anybody in your company's history, or that you play in a weekly poker game with Topher Grace. Unless they have proof otherwise, they'll have to buy it.
DON'T: Say anything that you might have to prove. Saying that you play poker with Topher Grace is one thing, but saying that Topher Grace is coming over for Thanksgiving dinner is another. Or saying that you'll be appearing on Blind Date in the near future, or that you're making so much money you could buy everybody in the bar a drink and it wouldn't affect you. Nothing would make that asshole you're trying to upstage happier than proving you wrong.

DO: Get drunk and inquire about your ex if you run into their friends. Casually, of course. This is a good way to keep tabs, and to make sure that they're headed in the right direction. Because if they're off somewhere getting fat, getting arrested, or getting sexually transmitted diseases, you're going to want to know that. Of course, if they've gotten hotter and more successful, you're going to want to know about that too so you can brag.
DON'T: Tell your ex's friends, "You know, I still love her and think about calling her all the time. Could you give me her number? Please? I'm desperate." For obvious reasons.

DO: Marvel with your friends about how freakin' old you guys are! I mean, what the hell?? What is the class of 2001 doing here??? I don't even KNOW any of these kids! They weren't even in high school when I was there! I'm going to puke!
DON'T: Kill any of the class of 2001. It's not their fault they were born in 1983.

DO: Forget certain people. Even if you remember them, fumble with their name for a couple of seconds before you point to them and say, "Tony! Tony (insert Italian last name here)! How've you been?"
DON'T: Be the guy that forgets everybody. And don't be the guy that remembers everybody either. The former makes you look stupid and shows you're obviously forcing it, the latter is a little pathetic, because nobody should remember that much about high school.

DO: Get incredibly drunk, because you're going to have to.
DON'T: Drive. Not because it's "dangerous" or "wrong," but because the cops know that this is the biggest party night of the year and are itching to pull you over. And fine, because it's dangerous and wrong too.

DO: Enjoy the hot people that got fat, the fat people that got hot, the cool people that got sad, and the sad people that got successful. Everybody has their reason for being out tonight, so let them play their part.
DON'T: Masturbate. Because God says so.

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b at 2:17 PM



JOHN SENCIO IS THE COOLEST MUTHAFUCKA ON THE PLANET!!!!!!
He answered Dan's email today! Check it out.

Dan's Email:

Point of contention amongst all my buddies, please help if possible...
John Sencio banged the following while at MTV:

a) Idalis
b) Jenny McCarthy
c) Kennedy
d) Kurt Loder
e) all of the above

Your input is appreciated John. Big fan.
Dan

John Sencio's Awesome Response:

3 out of 4 - you guess which 3!
Happy Turkey Day
- j

ed note: Poor Kennedy. Always gets left out.

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b at 10:52 AM

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

the rule of 3's
3 Favorite drunken Diner Meals
1. bagel, coffee
2. mozzarella sticks
3. 2 eggs scrambled, white toast

3 Best Nicknames We Gave People In College
1. Gwutama (girl who's uglier than my ass)
2. The Kid Who Spills
3. Not-So-Tiny Dancer

3 Nicknames I've Had
1. Bubbie
2. B
3. That fucking prick Bob (I'm assuming)

3 Things That Keep Me Awake At Night
1. Somebody's going to break in and kill me
2. My bathroom ceiling is going to cave in when I shower in the morning
3. I'm sad I lost touch with (fill in name). I should look them up

3 Favorite Subway Lines
1. F
2. 4/5
3. N

3 Things That Have Recently Gotten Me A Little Choked Up
1. The Six Feet Under pilot
2. Jude "I Do"
3. A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers

3 Examples of my Persuasive Powers from College
1. Convincing a girl to let me spit my toothpaste in her mouth
2. Convincing a girl we weren't pricks for laughing when her friend threw up on herself
3. Convincing a guy not to punch me in the face... on numerous occasions

3 Favorite Real World Casts
1. San Diego
2. Las Vegas
3. San Francisco

3 Things That Get On My Nerves
1. Wearing a ripped contact lens all day
2. Lines
3. Places that are expensive for no good reason

3 Favorite SNL Cast Members From 1992 On
1. Will Ferrell
2. Phil Hartman
3. Adam Sandler

3 Best Inventions I've Come Up With
1. A Poop Scale that weighs your poop in the toilet
2. The Break-Up Bodega, a pawn-shop like place to get your shit back from exes
3. The Micro-Freezer, like a microwave, but it makes things cold

3 Favorite Swear Words
1. Cunt
2. Cock
3. Fuck

3 Tasteless Jokes That I've Used On Stage But Don't Anymore
1. "I've never seen The Passion, but as a Jew, I feel like I should. Not so much for entertainment, but so I'll know what do in case he comes back."
2. "Apparently they even have something called kiddie porn now. Which is crazy, because when I was a kid I had to watch grown-up porn. These kids grow up so fast."
3. "I've never hit a woman. Twice. They usually go down after one."

3 Worst Feelings In The World (physical)
1. The nut shot
2. The feeling where you think your wallet is missing
3. Waking up on most Sundays

3 Stupid Lies I Tell People Sometimes For Fun
1. I have no sense of smell
2. I'm in a weekly card game with Topher Grace
3. I watch Laguna Beach for work, and that's it

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b at 5:33 PM

Monday, November 22, 2004

what a day! 1-4

1. On my way back from a meeting at 1515 Broadway today I saw U2 performing on the back of a flatbed truck. I've never seen U2 in person before, so two things struck me immediately. a) Edge is shorter than a guy named Edge should be. and b) U2 will do absolutely anything to promote an album. And good for them. I guarantee you that Bono held an idea meeting and suggested, "Okay, so you know the title of the album, right? Okay, how about we get ourselves a nuclear bomb and set it up in Times Square. Okay. We'll fly in on a helicopter wearing radioactive suits, and as the clock ticks down-- I'm thinking we can hook it up to the ball from New Years Eve-- when it gets to about 2 seconds I'll lean over and-- are you ready?-- dismantle it. Buy my new album."

1a. Quick side story. On friday, a friend of mine who's a big U2 fan sent me a link to a U2 message board where he posted something about how great the new single is and how good the album is going to be. I know. So all the other U2 fans had comments about what a great message it was, and how great U2 is, etc. etc. Okay. So I decided that I had to add a comment just tearing them apart. Just an awful, insulting comment to make everybody rail against me in their mutual love for U2. What can I say, I'm a prick sometimes. So as I'm signing up for an account I'm asked to enter a user name. I want to be offensive, so I pick the following monikor: Bonohasaids. Yeah. Okay. So a few minutes later, I receive the following email from the message board administrator: Is your username some kind of joke? bonohasaids? That name will not be approved, sorry. You might want to choose something else! Whoops. I felt bad, so here was my response: Oh my god, i'm really sorry. i was just reading about bono in africa. I meant to type bonohatesaids, but screwed it up. i'm so embarrassed! i'm sorry! Needless to say, you won't be finding me on the U2 messageboards anytime soon.

2. "So, Bob," you might be asking yourself. "Are you aware that seeing U2 perform on the back of a flatbed truck will probably be the highlight of your week, or are you too incredibly good looking to figure that out?" Well, people, allow me to respond by saying that seeing U2 perform on the back of a flatbed truck wasn't even the highlight of my DAY! That's right. About an hour ago, I get a phone call from a kid I interned with back at MTV during the summer of 2001. We haven't talked in years, but he calls me to find out if I'm still working here and tells me he's out in Times Square working on a TV show. So I go outside, and as the two of us are catching up there's a film crew getting themselves ready for a shoot. Jesse (the guy) tells me the show he's working on, and I get all excited. "Wait, so is he... here?" "Yeah," Jesse responds, "He's on his way right now." So we keep talking, and then, just like that, JOHN STAMOS appears. U2 and John Stamos on the same day! Honestly, what else is there? Answer me that.

3. When I started writing this post, for some reason Oprah was on in our office. I'm not an Oprah fan, so I'm just going to come out and say it: Oprah needs to stop giving things away. Enough is enough. Throughout the writing of this post I've seen her give away a flat screen TV, some clothes, keylime cakes, a dell mp3 player, purses, an all expense paid trip to Busch Gardens (or something) and a bunch of other shit that make the overweight middle aged women in the audience jump up and down like lunatics. Listen, Oprah, you don't have to keep buying our love. You're acting like the rich step father that goes out and buys us some really expensive shit on Christmas to show us how fucking rich and "cool" you are, but no matter what you buy it's not going to work. Oh, we'll still thank you and take what you're giving, but you're actually only fooling yourself. Ah, what the fuck am I talking about? I'm just pissed that all these women have flat screen TV's and I don't. Fuck you, Oprah! I saw U2 and John Stamos today! What did you do?

4. Finally, I'll spare you from the whole, "Dude, I got so drunk in Baltimore this weekend and had the best time" wrap up. Just know that I did get so drunk this weekend, and I did have a good time. DR. AWESOMEFUCK was awesome, Brian stole my cell phone and called the one person I didn't want him to call, Afro Brian told an Indian girl that he 'recently realized how good looking Indian girls are,' and Alan made the drunkest phone call I've ever seen somebody make in my entire life. All in all. Good times.

If only Stamos was there. He would've loved it.

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b at 4:17 PM

Friday, November 19, 2004

b'more
So I'm going to be partying in baltimore this weekend. I'll buy you a beer if you say hi.

Rock on.

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b at 4:54 PM



3rd Annual ODB Memorial Pub Crawl
I know I've devoted several posts to this year's Pub Crawl already... but you're going to have to endure one more. I wouldn't be pounding you over the head with it if it weren't as big of a deal as it is, so you have to bear with. Here is Dan's official email, sent out to this year's participants. Oh, and for the record, he included John Sencio on the email.

Friends,

Is it really that time again?

It seems like just yesterday we memorialized the passing of the great Fred "Rerun" Berry, who suffered a massive heart attack. Fred would have been proud of us that night, a celebration of binge drinking to the highest degree. "What's Happenin'!" is right. Stay classy, Fred.

And that brings us to today. Another year gone, another dead black celebrity. This time the immortal...check that...very mortal, Russell Jones, perhaps better known as Ol' Dirty Bastard. Or Dirt McGirt. Or Osirus. Or Brian Brown. Or Big Baby Jesus. Whatever.

For posterity sake, we will honor Jones by his most memorable moniker. With that said, we present the 3rd Annual ODB Memorial Pearl River Pub Crawl.

Now from what we understand, ODB kicked in his recording studio after injesting copious amounts of cocaine. Bad boy didn't sleep for two straight days in what became his finest bender.

Cocaine will not be permitted at this year's pub crawl (Christine's behavior a year ago convinced us of that). However, there will be gluttonous amounts of beer and liquor on tap, and we will once again hold a competition to crown who will feel shittiest on Thanksgiving morning.

For those new to the game this year, a brief history:
Established in 2002 in honor of the late, semi-great, hip hop legend Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez, the Pearl River Memorial Pub Crawl is a game that tests both skill and endurance in the dangerous yet ultimately satisfying world of binge drinking.

The contest is made up of co-ed groups of two, in a 10-stop tour of bars spanning across beautiful Pearl River, better known as The Town Of Friendly People. The teams will each be distributed a scorecard and pencil, where they will track their drinking progress throughout the night. A rundown of the point system is as follows:

Beer = 1 point
Mixed drink = 1.5 points
Shot = 2 points
Tequila = 3 points
Water = (-1) point

This year, we have added a new bonus category for an additional 6 Point Super Mega-Score (TM). Considering the town's close affinity to our Emerald Isle brethren, this year we have added the Irish Car Bomb (pint of Guinness, shot of whiskey dropped in beer) to the mix. Swig a pair of those with your teammate, you've earned your keep.

The team with the highest point total by night's end will be crowned champion. An award presentation will follow. The winners of the Crawl are encouraged to sleep with each other and wake up in a bed of sin and regret on Thanksgiving morning.

Now for the legal business: Teams will be chosen at random on the day of the Crawl. There will be NO trading of teammates. Teams that do not complete the Crawl in its entirety are eliminated regardless of point total. If you are on this e-mail chain, you are free to invite hot chicks and stuff. Please dress warmly.

So there it is. We look forward to seeing you. Bob, Crissy, and Bob's afro have won for the past two years, so I think everyone should be motivated break that unfortunate streak.

If you need anything else, I don't know what to tell you.

See you there,
DH

P.S. Make sure to pick up the new U2 album on Tuesday. My boy Bono could really use your American capitalist income. Thanks in advance.
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b at 2:17 PM

Thursday, November 18, 2004

this is stupid and i didn't put a lot of thought into it but it's from Spin magazine
1. (best band) Ted Leo & The Pharmacists are so incredible, everytime I think of them I head-butt a stranger and involuntarily shout, "Rock!"

2. Dissecting a fetal pig right after lunch period is actually more fun that listening to (worst band) Maroon 5.

3. Even if (best solo artist) Ben Kweller released a double album about the mating habits of earthworms, I'd probably buy it. But if (worst solo artist) Jason Mraz went to rock'n'roll heaven and recruited Jimi Hendrix, Sid Vicious, and John Bonham for backup, he'd/she'd still really suck.

4. I was hanging from a cable on the Brooklyn Bridge, ready to end it all, when I heard (best new artist) Franz Ferdinand playing from a passing car. Then I decided that existence wasn't so icky after all. But then I heard (worst new artist) Ryan Cabrera (i'm assuming).

5. Best SPIN Cover: The Karen O cameltoe

6. Worst SPIN Cover: The one with The Vines

7. If there were a rock prison, (most overrated) Jet would be serving five years for fraud and (most underrated) The Walkmen would tunnel, Tim Robbins-like, to sweet freedom.

8. (best live act) The Strokes were so amazing, I didn't even care when a bouncer dislocated my right arm for stage-diving.

9. I was down with (best breakout band) The Killers years ago. Here, look at my hand! There's the unsightly keloid scar I got from carving their name into my flesh during hazing week.

10. Please hang it up, (rockers who should retire) R.E.M. We realize this is all you know how to do, but there are people who can help you with that. They're called golf instructors.

11. (best single) Take Me Out rules! But if I hear (most overplayed single) She Will Be Love one more time, I'm going to round up my friends, break into the local radio station, and perform acts two and three of Airheads in their entirety.

12. In a perfect world, (sex goddess) Amanda from Stellastarr would be spoon-feeding me pudding and making soothing cat noises right now.

13. (best dressed) 's wardrobe was so bold, I told my stylist, "This isn't working out. Can't you go back to just being my mom again?" Unlike Britney, not even (worst dressed) would go barefoot in a gas station bathroom.

14. I read (best blog) My Blog Is Poop every 30 seconds, but I'm not obsessed. Just well-informed, in case I have to leave my bunker. (c'mon, somebody has to vote for it)

15. (favorite OC character) The hot brunette is better than an E Ticket at Disneyland in Anaheim, but (least favorite OC character) the dorky guy that all the girls like is more like a day at the Nixon Library in Yorba Linda.

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b at 5:28 PM

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

my nearsighted item story
Okay, so I just finished reading Lidsayism's hilarious story about Jared Le... I mean, "Douche." To keep with the Nearsighted Item theme, I thought I'd share one of my favorite celebrity stories with you today. It's not nearly as dramatic as hers, but at least it involves a slut. And sluts rock.

During the summer of 2003 my friends and I decided to head out to Los Angeles & San Diego for a little vacation. Since the five of us had never gone out west together before, we thought it would be a fun place to go and party for a week. Now, I had actually been out to California in 2002 for the Coachella festival, but we all remember how that turned out: within fifteen minutes of being in LA, I was in the back seat of a silver BMW with two hookers in Inglewood, California. Right.

So our first night in LA we decide to head over to the Chateau Marmont because John Belushi died there and we tend to only go out to places where celebrities die. Oh, and we also heard that it was the place to be that night. So we arrive at the Chateau and proceed to start drinking heavily, and by 'start drinking heavily,' I mean 'continue drinking heavily.' After a few drinks, it was time to start bothering girls. Since we were traveling in a group of five, and girls seem to never travel in groups of five, we decided to break up into two groups. So Dan, Mike, and Brian headed out to the other side of the bar, while Greg and I stayed put.

As Greg and I were checking out the scene, we noticed that the other guys had already started talking to some girls. Not to be upstaged, we had to get moving. As I looked around to find some people to talk to, all of a sudden I saw Her. That girl! From that show! The slutty one! And she was just standing there with some other girl waiting to be approached! "Greg, holy shit look, it's ________! Let's go talk to her." Walking over to-- let's call her "T"-- I knew exactly what I was going to say.

"Hey, how's it going? This is strange, I work at MTV, and I worked on [a famous reality show]. I'm Bob, and I know you don't know me, but I feel like I know you because I've spent the last year watching all the footage. How are you doing??"

Okay, so I lied. I did work at MTV at the time, and I did watch the [revolutionary reality tv show], but I definitely did not work on it. It didn't matter, she bought it completely. Luckily, I happened to know the show that season, so I was able to ask specific questions. "How's Alton doing? And Frank? Are you guys still keeping in touch? Have you been back to [city where gambling is legal] since?" Etc.

So we hit it off. We end up talking for quite some time, and eventually she says, "I want you to come meet my friends." We head over to another part of the bar where she introduces me to Friend A, and Friend B - a.k.a. Katie from Road Rules. I had never seen Road Rules, and I had no clue who Katie was, but I did a good enough job of acting like I did to pass. But anyway. Out of the three of them, I enjoyed talking to Friend A the most, so I ended up hanging out with her.

Now, it's getting late and everybody's drunk. My friends, already bored with T and company, had moved on. I had no plans of hooking up with Friend A because I had a girlfriend, but I was still enjoying the ridiculousness of hanging out with T: a girl who would eventually be on the Surreal Life and pose for Playboy. I'm still talking to Friend A, when T pulls me aside and says the following:

"Do you want to go somewhere else? I want to try somewhere else, because I really want to find somebody to fool around with tonight."

Perhaps that was my cue to make a move, but honestly, I don't think it was. It was more like she was confiding in me. However, this is the same girl that's made out with Andy Dick, so it's not like she has high standards. Well. Either way, I had a girlfriend, so I didn't even consider it. Instead, very brotherly-like, I told her that she was a very pretty girl and she shouldn't have any problem finding someone to fool around with. I even think we hugged.

And that's that. We talked about keeping in touch. She was heading to New York that Monday for "business," but I wasn't going to be back until she was already gone. So, we said our goodbyes, and headed off our separate ways. We haven't seen each other or spoken since...

which is why I must win this auction on eBay. Must. See. Her. Again. I miss you so much T. so much...

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b at 2:57 PM

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

A Manner Revolution
I think our social conduct is outdated. I mean, for the most part it's okay, but there are definitely some flaws. I thought I'd outline some new ideas and plans to make all our lives easier. Take a look, won't you...

ELEVATORS
The elevator rules need to be re-written. Sure, I'm an advocate for women and children first... in a sinking ship. On an elevator, I think it's a little unnecessary. How about-- ready for this one-- whoever is closest to the door when it opens gets the fuck out! I know, it's crazy, but hear me out: it will work. I don't understand why we have to manipulate ourselves like Tetris cubes when the elevator hits the lobby floor. It's confusing, and it's messing with our heads. The other day I was in an elevator with all dudes, and when it stopped nobody moved. We all just kind of looked at each other-- nobody wanted to be the first one to go. So it inadvertently turned into a test of one's manhood. I wasn't going to budge until the less masculine men left before me. Eventually, we all just whipped out our packages and determined who got to leave last based on size. I'm still there (writing this on a laptop).


REVOLVING DOORS
There's no winning when it comes to revolving doors. I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that guys are supposed to go through first in order to get them moving so a girl doesn't have to exert too much energy. That makes sense. Yet, whenever I dart in front of a girl to get the sucker moving, I feel like a prick. So I decided the only solution is to get right up behind a girl AC Slater style and help her push. Sure, you'll be invading her personal space, but that never stopped Albert Clifford when he taught girls how to play pool, did it? The answer is no.


CO-ED BATHROOMS
How about this for a deal, ladies. We'll promise you exactly one (1) lid move. That's it. If it's down when we walk in, we'll lift it up so we don't pee all over the seat. And if it's up when we walk in, we'll put it down before we leave. We'll give you one move, and we won't ask for anything in return. Just don't give us evil looks or loud moans when you get in there and the seat is up. It's up for you... remember that.


EATING FRENCH FRIES
If you're eating something with your hands (i.e. a burger) then you can use your hands to eat your french fries. If you're eating something that requires a fork (i.e. a steak) then you must use your fork to eat your fries. However, if you're eating a steak with your hands, then you can only eat your fries with your face.


GOD BLESS YOU
God Bless You, or G'blessya, or Blessya, standards should still be enforced. However, if somebody says 'God Bless You' after you cough, you should be obligated to respond, "That was a cough, you fucking idiot." If you don't use tough love they may never learn the difference, and the last thing you want is for somebody to be God Blessing you after every bodily action. Also, people should be encouraged to make certain designated areas "No Bless You" zones. My roommate and I have declared our apartment a No Bless You zone. So, if the two of us are sitting around and one of us sneezes, the other one is not only NOT required to say "God Bless You," he gets openly chastised if he does.


TRYING TO GET A DRINK AT THE BAR
Anything goes. 'Ladies first' does not apply here, because if that were the case men would never drink anything ever again. Women already have several unfair advantages when it comes to getting a drink (Namely: Breasts), so guys should be encouraged to do whatever they have to do. Forget chivalry on this one. And if you start feeling bad about it, just remember that odds are you're going to end up buying a girl a drink before the night is over, so it all evens out. Right?


HOOKERS
Hooker etiquette has remained the same, however you should not forget to tip your hooker. Amazingly, they go by the same tip scale that hair stylists go by, so just refer to that.


THE SUBWAY
There is no place on Earth where your manners and common decency is tested more than on the subway. First, let me draw out for you the subway hierarchy:

Homeless People
Pregnant Women
Old Women
Really Hot Women
Women With Children
Physically Disabled People
Really Old Men
Everybody Else

From top to bottom, this list goes from "Most Likely To Give Up Your Seat For" to "Least Likely To Give Up Your Seat For." Some people might be surprised that Homeless People top the list, but I would give a Homeless Person my seat before a Pregnant Lady because he's slightly more likely to stab me in the head.

Also, it was a tough decision on where to place Really Hot Women. They were almost left off the list, because according to the MTA, pretty girls don't ride the subway. But I digress.

I propose that we shuffle the order. The new hierarchy would be something like this:

Homeless People
Everybody Else

From there, we'll take it on a case by case basis. Because nothing should be absolute. And because every once in a while Pregnant Women like to stand up, while Everybody Else is tired and wants to sit the fuck down.

Just an idea.

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b at 4:44 PM

Monday, November 15, 2004

1) ODB, 2) alcohol, 3) a quiz

Me: Brian, big news. Ol' Dirty Bastard died.
Brian: It's still going to be the Rodney Dangerfield Pub Crawl, though, right?
Me: Absolutely not. ODB Bri, ODB.
Brian: Aww man, I was really excited about the T-shirts.
Me: This will be even better.
Brian: You know, this just goes to show you how big the pub crawl has gotten. Celebrities are actually planning their deaths around it now.

Anyway, let me take you back to a simpler time. A time where the Wu Tang Clan was still complete and the Pub Crawl was still dedicated to Rodney. Saturday.

You know what, I actually can't take you back to Saturday because Saturday is a little too blurry for me. I had two birthdays that night, so no matter what it was going to turn into a drunk night. But that wasn't good enough. So, Dan and I decided to go to start drinking at 4 for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Now isn't that always the best reason?

We headed over to Off The Wagon to enjoy some cheap pitchers of beer. On Saturdays they have this deal where the pitchers start at $3.50 at noon, and then go up .50 every hour. So, the two of us shared 4 or 5 pitchers, watching them increase from $5.50 to $7. At about $6.50 some folks from a Village Pub Crawl stumbled into the bar. Dan and I laid it on thick to the unattractive girls who saddled up beside us in hopes of scoring some free beer, but ultimately decided that it wasn't worth it since the beer we were drinking was practically free anyway. Everything was going well and good, until people next to us started ordering shots. Since there were a ton of them, the bartender poured about a dozen shots. Then they kept ordering more drinks and talking amongst themselves, the whole time just leaving the shots on the bar. So of course, very smoothly, I stole a shot and handed it off to Dan. He said, "I'm not doing this alone," so he reached across me to steal another one and got caught by the bartender. "These aren't your shots!" he yelled. Our drunken response was something along the lines of "Oh, whoops, I thought they were, sorry." Great start to the night.

At 8 o'clock we headed into the east village for the birthday dinner. The place we were going to was BYOB, so we stopped at a liquor store and picked up a couple of bottles of wine. Now, I never thought I'd write that sentence because I've NEVER liked wine. I constantly declare that I'm "trying to get into wine" but the truth is I haven't had a sip of wine in about a year. That changed Saturday night. I drank a ton of it, and actually really liked it. This could usher in a whole new era, but I mean, it's not like I was suffering before.

The rest of the night, admittedly, is blurry. Somehow I stayed out until 4, and somehow I made it back to Brooklyn. If anybody knows how, I'd appreciate the help.

But on a completely unrelated note, ever since my anti-Aaron Karo post, I've been cursed with people sending me his latest Ruminations every time he writes one. Today, Stereogum was the first person to do it. So, I decided rather than ignoring it and pretending it doesn't happen, whenever Aaron Karo writes more crap, we'll play Guess The Karo! 2 of these are Karo's, and 2 of these are completely inane and unfunny observations that I'm trying to pass off as Karo's. Answers are in the Comments. Good luck.

(1)
I think most alcohol is named properly, except for Jaeger. Because it's never "Yay-ger!" Instead, it's always, "Don't make me do another one of those because I might throw up- ger!"

(2)
Don't girls just love their cute, little digital cameras? Listen, I think they're cool, too, but there is no reason to take 600 posed pictures every time you go to dinner with three or more people!

(3)
Last week my friend called to me to find out if the bar we were going to had a coat check. Are you kidding me? He used to call to find out how many girls were going to be there and how drunk we planned on getting, now he's calling for a coat check? Man, we're old!

(4)
The other day, I ordered toilet paper on the Internet. Greatest fucking thing ever. It was soft. It was cheap. And I didn't even have to leave the house. If I could get them to deliver it to me in my actual bathroom, my life might be complete.

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b at 3:16 PM



sorry rodney...
it's officially the...
Ol' Dirty Bastard a.k.a. Big Baby Jesus a.k.a. Dirt McGirt Memorial Pub Crawl
N***a Please!

1969-2004
Like I even needed to tell you that.
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b at 11:59 AM

Thursday, November 11, 2004

for the movies
Movie That Made Me Laugh The Hardest The First Time I Saw It: South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut
Movie That Makes Me Laugh The Hardest After Seeing It 100 Times: Wet Hot American Summer
Very Favorite Movie Ever: The Karate Kid
Worst Movie I've Ever Seen In The Theater: Stay Tuned starring John Ritter
Movie I Saw On My Very First Date Ever: Timecop
First Movie I Ever Made Out During: Independence Day
Movie That I Rented More Than Once But Never Saw Cause I'd End Up Fooling Around With My Girlfriend Every Time: Dazed And Confused
Favorite 80's Movie That's Totally 80's: Just One Of The Guys
First Movie I Ever Saw Breasts In: Vacation, courtesy of Beverly D'Angelo
Movie That I Skipped Class In College One Day To Watch: The Legend Of Billie Jean
My Favorite Movie As A Kid That Led My Parents To Believe That I Was Gay: The Music Man
Last Movie That Actually Scared Me: Judgement Night
Movie I Saw In A Theater Solely Because My Friends And I Were In Love With Mira Sorvino: Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion
Movie That Gets Me The Most Excited When It Comes On On A Sunday Afternoon: Airborne
Movie I Saw After Getting In My One And Only Fist Fight In The 9th Grade: Pulp Fiction
Movie That I Embrassingly Liked The First Time I Saw It: Contact
The Last Movie I Saw That I Really Enjoyed: Team America
The Last Movie I Saw That I Didn't Enjoy At All, Despite The Fact It Stars A Midget: The Station Agent
Favorite Movie That I'll Casually Mention I've Never Seen: The Lord of The Rings, narrowly beating out Star Wars
Favorite Cinemax Movie Of The Mid 1990s: The Bikini Carwash Company
Runner Up: Miracle Beach
Only Movie I Ever Ordered A VHS Copy Of On Ebay Back In The Day: Cannibal! The Musical
Movie That Made Me Drop To The Floor Of The Theater And Refuse To Get Up Because I Was So Upset It Was Sold Out On Opening Night Because I Love Sarah Michelle Gellar: Cruel Intentions
Movie That We Ended Up Seeing That Night, That I Hated: Office Space
Movie That I Stopped Hating Once The Bitterness Wore Off: Office Space
Girly Movie That I Proudly Own On DVD: Bring It On
Movie That Made Me Temporarily Lose Consciousness: Cruel Intentions, when SMG said, "You can put it anywhere..."
Movie That In Some Ways, Changed My Life: Swingers
Movie I Would Watch To Piss Off My Roommates: 20 Dates
Movie That I Say Is My 'Favorite Movie' Around Arty People: Armegeddon
Last Movie To Make Me Cry: Harry & The Hendersons, back in 1987. The scene at the end when Harry goes back into the forest... so sad.

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b at 6:57 PM

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

I see dead people
Okay, so Thanksgiving eve is the biggest party night of the year, right? Right. Everybody knows that. It's been pounded into our heads by our friends, families, and television sets, so it must be true. Thanksgiving eve = party time.

I'm originally from Pearl River, New York. It's a small town a few miles north of the city, which is known for exactly 2 things:

1) Irish people
2) Bars

Okay, I probably could've combined that into one thing, but you get the idea. For a small town, PR has an absolutely ridiculous amount of bars. There's something like 11 of them, all in a mile and a half radius. There are two reasons for this:

1) Irish people
2) PR is right on the border of northern New Jersey. Back in the day, the drinking age in NY was 18 but in Jersey it was 21. So, they built a bunch of bars in PR to get the Jersey kids to come on over. At least that's what I've been told.

Okay, so a few years ago, my friends and I had an idea. On Thanksgiving Eve, we should make the best out of living in Pearl River and go on a Pearl River Pub Crawl. It was the best idea ever. See, in Pearl River, and I'm sure in your hometown too, every single person you went to high school with is back in town that night. Of course there are a handful of people that you look forward to running into, but for every one of those there's a person that you know is going to suck you in to an extended boring conversation that you can't escape from. By participating in a Pub Crawl, you don't have to worry about getting stuck with anybody for too long. "Oh shit, we have to go to the next bar" is all you need to say, and you're safe.

Beyond ending awkward conversations, the Pub Crawl is a great excuse to get completely fucked up. We decided, that the crawl should be more than a crawl, so we made it a contest. Every year we divide up the 15 to 20 of us that are participating and make co-ed teams of 2. Each team then tries to outdrink the others to win the coveted prize. Oh, and we keep score too.

Beer - 1 pt
Mixed Drinks - 1.5 pts
Shots - 2 pts
*Wildcard shot* Tequila - 3 pts

This year, we're adding yet another feature to our point system. Irish Car Bombs - 6 pts. Yeah. Thanksgiving is going to hurt.

Thus far I've left out one big thing about the PR Pub Crawl. The big kicker. When we came up with the idea in 2002, we decided that we should dedicate it to somebody who had passed away. It didn't take long at all before we decided on who. So, it officially became The 2002 Lisa "Lefteye" Lopes Memorial Pub Crawl. The prize for the winning team was two copies of the book Lisa Lopes: The Life of A Supernova.

Last year, it was another no-brainer who the Crawl should be dedicated to. So, we all participated in The 2003 Fred "Rerun" Berry Memorial Pub Crawl. Instead of books, we had T-shirts made up for the winner. The front had the name of the Crawl, and on the back was a BIG picture of Rerun with the words "What's Happening? 1951-2003" It's actually the picture from his IMDB profile, if you want to check it out.

So that brings us to this year. First off, let me say that the Pub Crawl has completely warped me. Now, whenever I hear about a celebrity passing, I immediately think "Pub Crawl!" It's sick. However, tradition is tradition, right? So anyway. A lot of celebrities have died in the past year. Tony Randall, Ray Charles, Ronald Reagan, The Big Boss Man, and Christopher Reeve. Too boring, too old, too sad, too obscure, and too sad & expected. Jonathan Brandis, star of Ladybugs died in 2003, however since it was November we decided that he's still eligible. But in the end, we decided not to go with Brandis. Instead, we're going with another Ladybug.

The 2004 Rodney Dangerfield Memorial Pub Crawl.

So if you're going to be in Pearl River or near Pearl River on Thanksgiving Eve, you should sign up. Do it for the prizes. Do it for your parents who will be angry that you're hungover on Thanksgiving. Do it for yourself. But most of all, do it for Rodney.

"Hey Everybody! We're all gonna get laid!!!"


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b at 6:08 PM

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

The Best of The Greatest Hits
It's getting cold outside and Christmas is coming up, so you know what that means: It's time for the record companies to (in the words of Buster from Arrested Development) "R us." And what better way to R us than to unleash a plethora of Best Of's for our listening enjoyment. I've never done reviews on this site before, but today I thought I'd buck tradition and review some of these albums. I guess the twist would be, I haven't listened to any of them and I'm not even sure of the tracklistings. This still shouldn't be too hard. Let's go.


Live - Awake: The Best of Live
This CD would be totally worth listening to, assuming you turn it off halfway through. Unless, of course, you happen to live in a Red State, in which case you'll totally dig the "Jesus is Awesome!" theme of Live's later work. Was Creed a little too hardcore for you? Was "I Alone" a little too subtle in its Jesus-ness. Then just listen to anything off of Birds of Prey or V and it's sure to lift your spirits. Oh, and if you buy this CD along with The Passion of The Christ at Best Buy, you get $5 off and go straight to Heaven. With proof of purchase, naturally.


Shania Twain's - Greatest Hits
Kudos to the record company for getting Shania's Greatest Hits out before it's too late. I mean, after checking out the cover for a couple of minutes, I'm ready to go buy it. However, we all know that Shania is getting a little long in the tooth, and I have a feeling America is going to be a lot less tolerant of her schlock once the looks start to go. But in the meantime: Shania's got it going on, and Man, I feel like a woman! (I just wrote that in hopes that it will appear in a commercial somewhere)


Everclear - Ten Years Gone
I loved Everclear back in the day, but I'm not going to pull any punches here. The best part of listening to Ten Years Gone is going to be saying, "Hey, I remember this song!" when in truth you've never heard it. Instead, you'll be thinking of another Everclear song that sounds remarkably... well, like the rest of them. Either way, Everclear has made some great music over the years, and I think they're deserved of a Greatest Hits. Although I kind of wish they made it 8 Years Gone and left off "Volvo Driving Soccer Mom."


Seal - Best of: 1991 - 2004
Damn, you mean I won't be getting any of his pre-1991 hits? That's bullshit!!!



Pearl Jam - rearviewmirror
Back when I was a teenager listening to grunge, my parents would make fun of my music and ask if any of my favorite bands would be around in 20 years. I always stood by Pearl Jam, saying that they were going to do it. It's good to see they're getting there. But anyway, this is for the Pearl Jam fan that has everything. And by everything, I mean the 178 live CD's that have come out in the past two years. Some might say the least necessary Greatest Hits compilation since...


Britney Spears - My Prerogative
First things first: Does she, or does she not, kind of look like a hot, white Gumby in that picture?

After being around for just five years, now is the perfect time to release a Greatest Hits album. This should tide her fans over over while she takes a break from stardom, develops a crystal meth problem with her husband, and slowly fades into oblivion. Hey y'all, don't hate. It's her prerogative.

Well, I hope I helped make your Holiday shopping that much easier. Happy hunting!

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b at 1:38 PM

Monday, November 08, 2004

busy day
Sorry gang, no time to update here today. Instead, go check out the two updates over at the Best Week Ever blog. Pop culture goodness!

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b at 7:06 PM

Friday, November 05, 2004

a dating story
I've never been on a really bad date before. It's true. I mean, I've had my share of interesting ones, but I've never been on a Blind Date style, completely mismatched, horrible date. Oh, I'm not complaining, I'm just saying.

So I thought today I would tell you about one of those interesting dates. This isn't just any date, though, this is the date that completely made me re-evaluate my stance on dating. Right now I'm pretty much optimistic when it comes to that subject, however back when this occurred, it left me confused and searching for answers. It also taught me a lot about myself. That's a lot of shit to come from one stupid little date, right? Here we go.

It's my senior year of college, second semester. My girlfriend and I had broken up in January when she went away to France to study for a semester, so I was going to finish up my college career single. Exciting. Okay, so a couple of weeks before Spring Break I got coerced into doing stand-up for the very first time by friend Crazy Mike. He was running a Comedy Night/Contest on campus, and talked me into participating. So I did it, I killed, and I ended up taking first place in front of a crowd of close to 100 people.

A few nights later I'm at a bar with a few friends when a cute girl approaches me. She introduces herself as Amy, says she saw me doing stand-up, and thought I was really funny. We spend the rest of the night talking, find out we have a bunch of mutual friends, and in the end she gives me her number. Nice.

So I called her a couple of nights later, and we make plans to hang out that Wednesday (since we were both going away for Spring Break on Friday). Well, the big night comes and I'm ready. I'm looking good, and more importantly I'm feeling good. She already thinks I'm funny, so I figure I'm in good shape. I pick her up and we head over to the local TGI Fridays to have a few drinks (ah, college).

So we're at Fridays and things are gellin'. We're both laughing and teasing each other and having a good time. I mean, we were like really cracking up teasing each other. I tell her that it was my first time doing stand-up, and she replies, "I could tell, you weren't funny." And we'd laugh. She tells me that she was Prom Queen in High School, to which I respond, "Really, that's shocking, you're not very likeable." And we'd laugh. What I'm trying to establish here is, we were really getting along.

As the night progressed, we ended up at another bar in Towson called The Crackpot where we ran into a couple of our mutual friends. We sat at a table with them, and the four of us continued to have a good time. It started getting late, so we finished our drinks and it was time for me to drive her home.

Now, at this point I was debating when to make the move. I figured I was good to go in for a kiss because the night was going so well, but I wasn't looking forward to the awkward goodbye kiss. I thought about going for it when I opened her car door, but ultimately decided I'd hold out. Bad move.

Okay, here it comes. So as I'm driving we're talking, still getting along and having fun, when there's one of those inevitable silences that comes following the end of a discussion on a subject. We're sitting there in brief silence, when I say the following sentence. The sentence that changes everything.

You know, I had a great time tonight. I'm really glad that you were blatantly hitting on me at the bar the other night, this was fun.

Done. And done. The second I got out the 'un in fun, she scoffed. I'd never heard a person scoff before, and don't think I have since, but this was definitely a scoff. She then angrily repeats, "Blatantly hitting on you??" I laugh it off and say, "No, you know what I mean. I'm just saying I had fun tonight." She repeats it again, "Blatantly hitting on you... whatever."

Now I am stunned. STUNNED! By no means was this comment any better or worse than anything that had been said all night... I had absolutely no indication that a statement like this would set her off. But it did. It was completely over. She didn't say another word for the rest of the ride. I tried lightening the mood, but she wasn't having it. When we pulled up to her apartment, I planned on trying to salvage things, but she was opening the car door before it even stopped. She jumped out of the car, yelled, "Have fun on Spring Break!" and booked it to her front door. Done. That was it.

I drove home that night in shock. I just kept on saying the words over and over again. Blatantly hitting on. Blatantly hitting on. Blatantly hitting on. What the fuck? I couldn't decide if I was an idiot, or if she was insane. Either way, hours of hanging out and having fun were completely wiped clean by one innocent statement. If I learned one thing that night, it's "when in doubt, keep your fucking mouth shut."

When I returned to my apartment that night there was a party going on. I pulled my roommates into a room, told them story, and then pined for my beloved Amy. I thought about my next move-- I'll call her, say I'm an idiot, apologize for offending her, and she'd have to understand! Or I'll show up at her door with flowers and beg forgiveness. Something. I called my friend Howie, who was both older and wiser, and told him the story. Upon it's conclusion, Howie asked me a question that I'll never forget. He asked me, "So are you going to try to get her back because you really like her, or are you doing it just to see if you can?"

I thought about that the rest of the night. Sure we had a good time, but any overt gesture or extra effort that I put into "winning her back" wouldn't be for her, it'd be for me. It'd be to see if I could, and that definitely isn't a good reason to do something. So, I let the Amy thing die. In the end, I got a story out of it, she got a nickname ("Blamey"), and you got an incredibly long, incredibly detailed Friday blog post.

Everybody wins. Right?

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b at 1:47 PM

Thursday, November 04, 2004

tied to the 90's
Some days just blend into the next. And other days, you find a website like www.johnsencio.com.

Do you guys remember John Sencio? Of course you do. He was one of MTV's premiere VJ's during the mid 90's. Sencio, Kennedy, Matt Pinfield, Idalis, Bill Bellamy, Simon Rex. I feel like I grew up with all those guys. I mean, for the most part, you really don't start watching MTV until you're in your early teens. So when I turned 13 in 1993, I had Sencio and crew there to greet me. They saw me through my awkward years... which hopefully will be coming to an end any day now. Let's go through the lineup. (note: we are ignoring mtv news icons, as they were not technically vj's. sorry tabitha soren)

Kennedy - I was one of the millions of people that kind of liked Kennedy, but didn't really like Kennedy in the mid-90's. I thought she was cool, but kind of annoying, but still pretty cool. You know? It was always hard to put your finger on her. When I started working at MTV I came across a tape of Kennedy interviewing Weezer on Alternative Nation, which has to be the funniest thing I've ever seen. Rivers Cuomo and Matt Sharp just sit there the whole time, ignoring her questions, causing Kennedy to go crazier and crazier by the minute. You have to see it.

Matt Pinfield - There are certain moments in your life that you never forget, and the moment that you discover that Matt Pinfield and Ian Robinson aren't the same person, happens to be one of them.

Bill Bellamy - Remember when it seemed like a safe bet that Bellamy was going to have a career post-MTV? That seems so long ago, doesn't it? I broke off all ties with Bill after he starred in Love Stinks with French Stewart. I hate that movie, and I hate that I watch it every time it comes on HBO. Damn you French Stewart!!!

Simon Rex - Remember when it seemed like a safe bet that Simon Rex was going to have a career post-MTV? Me neither. But I don't think anybody told him that, which explains why he keeps trying and trying and trying.

Idalis - I was in love with Idalis, which was pretty surprising since she wasn't exactly my type at the time. I mean, my ideal woman was Jenny McCarthy, a chick that could be considered Idalis' blonde haired, blue eyed opposite. Yet I still had a massive crush on Idalis. In fact, she was probably the first girl with "flava" that I was ever attracted to. Not since the Japanese girl from Karate Kid II has a single woman drawn me to an entire race the way Idalis did. Latino girls... you have her to blame. But yes, Idalis' run on Six Feet Under last season that ended with her and Rico having some crazy sex on her living room floor... yeah, highlight of my year.

And that brings us to John Sencio. Sencio, in some ways, was my favorite. He wasn't particularly funny, he wasn't extremely good looking, and he wasn't exactly 'cool,' but he was... there. I can't explain it. He was just there, and he was good at being just there. Ten years later, Sencio has become the sort of go-to punchline between my friend Dan and I when it comes to MTV related topics (although Sway is beginning to compete for that title, and rightfully so.) Before any MTV event, he'll be sure to ask me, "Will Sencio be there?" I've also returned to my desk at work to find the voicemail, "Hi Bob, it's John Sencio... just curious if you wanted to maybe hang out later... can you let me in the building?"

I hope this isn't coming off as mean, because it's not supposed to be. Like the Friars say, "We roast the ones we love." Well, I love John Sencio, and you should too. He's deserving of our love, because nobody was better at just being there than he was. Even if he did make a cameo in the afformentioned Love Stinks. We'll overlook that.

But I urge you to check out JohnSencio.com to check out how well he's doing. Browse the photo gallery. Download his music (his music!). And if you feel inclined, send him an email. Dan did. And on that note, I'll leave you with Dan's email.

To: John Sencio
Subject: Question For The Man

Point of contention amongst all my buddies, please help if possible...

John Sencio banged the following while at MTV:

a) Idalis
b) Jenny McCarthy
c) Kennedy
d) Kurt Loder
e) all of the above

Your input is appreciated John. Big fan.

Dan


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b at 2:50 PM

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

speaking of poop
Remember that episode of Family Guy where Peter finds out that Chris has an enormous penis, and that knowledge makes him feel inferior and inadequate? Do you think that's how George H.W. Bush feels today? Like, "Shit, I couldn't even get re-elected, but somehow my retarded son did!?! What's that all about??"

But anyway, I kind of teased you yesterday by saying that something big was going on. Well, today I'm going to stop teasing and start putting out. Here's the deal:

Last week, I was presented with the opportunity to head a brand new adventure here at VH1. In the next couple of months, Best Week Ever will be making unprecedented advancments in online programming as well as wireless entertainment, and yours truly will be prominently involved in this venture. As the writer/producer on this, I will be writing for vh1.com as well as wireless text feeds, and I will also be producing original videos for both the internet and cell phones with streaming video.

Pretty crazy shit, right?

So this new venture began on Monday, meaning that I am no longer an associate producer on Best Week Ever. So for those of you that watch the show every week just to see my name fly by in the credits, I thought you should be warned. It'll still be there, but it might just be harder to find now.

But we all have a lot to look forward to. Outtakes, behind the scenes, stuff that couldn't make it on the air, original skits... all that good stuff. Things are still in the process of getting set up, but in the meantime I'll be posting stuff on the Best Week Ever blog to get my feet wet. Be sure to start checking that out every day. I'm still going to update this page at least once a day, because I don't think I can get away with telling hook up stories and posting Mugatu pictures on the vh1 site. Well, not yet.

Anyway, you might be asking what I have to thank for this awesome opportunity, other than my stunning good looks, incredible intelligence, and above average oral skills? Well, I have to thank this blog. Seriously. This blog has gotten my writing out to the right people, which is something I could've never predicted when I titled it "My Blog Is Poop." If I would've thought that this poop blog could lead to good things, I would've just called it "I'm Fucking Awesome." You know, it's actually not too late to do that...

But anyway, I thought I should let you guys know what's going on. I'm not exactly sure why, but I just did. So now you know.

This is gonna be great.

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b at 3:06 PM

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

my brand new life
Today's post is conveniently located RIGHT HERE.

Why? Well, there's a lot going on that I'm going to have to fill you guys in on. Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere, and neither is My Blog Is Poop. I promise.

I'll explain tomorrow.
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b at 4:26 PM



the pictures

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b at 2:37 PM

Monday, November 01, 2004

oh what a night
I'm not going to cut any corners here: Saturday night was one of the best times I've ever had in my entire life.

I know that a statement like that can be met with some skepticism (yeah right) or some sympathy (oh, that poor thing. how sad), but it shouldn't. Saturday night was so much fun that I wish each and every one of you could've been there.

Where? The Frying Pan on Chelsea Piers. What the fuck is The Frying Pan? Check this out:

A lightship off the coast of North Carolina between 1929 and 1964, the Frying Pan remained submerged and abandoned for years in an inlet of the Chesapeake Bay before it was brought to New York in the '80s. A restoration project is returning the ship to its original state. In the meantime, the quirky, rusty boat--with many of its original seafaring details intact--makes an evocative location for dance parties, live bands and theater.

Right? Craziness. Before we get to the debauchery, let me describe the setup. The party was on a pier, and in order to enter you had to present the bouncer with the password (it happened to be "beaver"... i don't get it). Okay, so once you got past the bouncer there was a big grill set up to the right where a guy was cooking hot dogs and burgers all night, and in front was the tent. The tent covered the remainder of the pier and consisted of a bar, an area to hang out, and a huge dance floor with a stage. Midway through the pier, you could venture up a ramp and walk onto the docked boat. It was awesome.

Okay, so now that the description is out of the way, let's talk about the good stuff. Our costumes were amazing, and hopefully I'll be posting pictures later on today or tomorrow. Howie's Zoolander costume consisted of a zebra striped coat and headband. Hansel had frilly leather jacket, Razor scooter on his back, yo-yo, and extra underwear in his pants that he pulled out during "walk offs." And as Mugatu... well, you'll see. Just know that it took over an hour for me to get my hair just right, and in the process I used 1/2 a tube of styling mousse, almost an entire bottle of Aqua Net Super Hold hairspray, and 2 full canisters of white hairspray. My hair was abused so much that today, 2 days and 3 showers later, there is still a little white left over and it still doesn't feel the same. But hey, I looked great.

At the party, we met up with Dan who was dressed like Sylvester Stallone from Cobra, Mark, who was dressed like Hulk Hogan, and Mike who... well, he was wearing a mask. While the Cobra costume was probably lost on everybody, the fact that Dan was going up to hot girls with his gun out and saying, "You better talk to me, or I'll fucking kill you" was probably not. I would have found that strange if Dan didn't use that line all year long.

Anyway, everything about the night was perfect. The place was packed but not crowded. The music was pumping but not blaring. The girls were dressed slutty but not... not slutty. Nothing to complain about. And just when I thought it couldn't get any better, Albert Hammond Jr. walks by. Not a guy dressed like Albert Hammond Jr., but Albert Hammond Jr. dressed like Albert Hammond Jr. Dan and I (um, coincidentally) ended up next to him in line to get a burger, and I drunkenly decided that I was going to break the ice with the following line: "Hey dude, that's a great costume. You're supposed to be a guy from that band, right? Um... Jet?" Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I chickened out.

So as I was eating and drinking and dancing, I thought, "I hope the night never ends." And it didn't. Because out of nowhere-- BAM!-- Fucking daylight savings bitches!!! I completely forget about that! So all of a sudden I wasn't taking a shot of Jaeger at 4 a.m., I was taking it at 3! Beautiful. By the time we left the Frying Pan, I was drunk (but not too drunk) and equipped with enough blackmail stories on my friends to last me till the New Year. Instead of going home after leaving, a few of us ended up at the UCB theater with Paul Scheer and friends, drinking more beer and dancing on the stage.

All in all, it was an incredible time. I kind of wish that I was one of those people that hates Halloween, because if you think about it, it's a pretty ridiculous holiday for adults. I'd like to be one of those people, but unfortunately, after Saturday night, I don't think that's going to happen any time soon.

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b at 3:46 PM