myblogisPoop

2004: The Year of the Smash Mouth ending

You know the movie Rat Race? Came out a few years ago, starring Jon Lovitz, Seth Green, Whoopi Goldberg, Cuba Gooding Jr. and many many more? Yes. I'm just going to say it: I almost loved the movie Rat Race. And not just because I find Jon Lovitz to be one of the funniest men alive, and not just because I love Seth Green because he was Cousin Wiley in the movie Airborne, and not just because I find Whoopi Goldberg to be incredibly, incredibly sexy. No. Rat Race was a pretty funny, kind of absurd, but definitely enjoyable comedy until the final scene. For those of you who haven't seen it, I'm going to ruin the ending for you now, but no worse than how the producers ruined it.

In the final scene, all of the competitors who were on a race to win a lot of money (i don't remember how much) somehow end up on a stage interrupting a concert for charity. Even though they ended up on stage by accident, the organizers of the concert think that the reason they're there is to donate the money in their possession to starving children (or whatever). Lovitz, Green and crew initially try to take the money and run, however after seeing the children they realize that donating the money is the right thing to do, and they'll be better people for doing it. So one by one, the cast members take a handful of money and drop it into the donation bag.

Now, that's a pretty retarded ending. But what makes it SO MUCH WORSE is the band that's on stage at the time. That's right. You guessed it. Smash Mouth. As the people are dropping their money into the bag, you hear it: "Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed..." By the time the chorus kicks in, everybody including Mr. Bean and Amy Smart and Breckin Meyer are jumping around the stage singing, "Hey now, you're an all-star, get your game on, get paid!" It's a truly horrible moment in cinema, and that scene alone ruined what otherwise was a pretty good movie.

My friend, Ex-Afro Brian, also saw the movie, and also had the same criticism I had. We ended up talking about it for quite some time, when it dawned on us that this wasn't the first time we saw this ending. Shrek had the same thing: The Smash Mouth ending. The climax of the movie occurred, and then-- BAM-- Smash Mouth. As we continued to talk, we remembered other movies that had the same thing: The Smash Mouth Ending.

Now, I was a Mass Comm major who took several film classes, while Brian earned his Masters in Screenwriting, yet somehow neither of us ever learned about The Smash Mouth Ending in school. If you were to read about it in a text book, it would probably be described like this: In lieu of an actual resolution, just get Smash Mouth to perform one of their terrible songs, Roll Credits. Done. Just like that.

So why am I writing about this? Well, tomorrow night my family and I are celebrating New Years Eve at the Tostitos Bowl Block Party in Tempe, Arizona, where the final band performing on the main stage is... yep. Them.

2004, a year of highs and lows, ups and downs, conflicts and resolutions, will have a Smash Mouth ending. What did I ever do to deserve this?

There's not a doubt in my mind that at the stroke of midnight the first sounds I hear in 2005 are going to be those unmistakable notes, followed by that obnoxious voice singing "Somebody once told me..." By 12:02, the credits will be rolling.

In the soundtrack of my life, 2004 will forever be tied to "All-Star." Well, I guess that's better than coming up with an actual ending.

Happy New Year.

|
b at 1:20 PM

Arizona Love

Hey all. Hope you had a great x-mas holiday. I'm heading out to Phoenix, Arizona the first thing tomorrow morning. I'll try to update when I'm out there, but let's not shit ourselves: if it's 65 and sunny I'm not going to be sitting in front of a computer.

Take this week to peruse the archives. I think I wrote something entertaining once... if you can find it, I'll give you a cookie.

But anyway, enjoy the archives, enjoy the links, and enjoy life. I'll be back before you can even miss me.

|
b at 8:41 PM

A Christmas Miracle

A very strange thing just happened. As I was riding back from the mall, having completed some last minute Christmas shopping (also known as 'all my Christmas shopping') I started feeling kind of down. For some reason, I haven't had much Christmas spirit this year. It's sad, but it's true. I haven't been overtaken with those wonderful, magical feelings that are typically associated with the Holiday Season.

So I'm driving down a side road heading home, trying to figure out how even though it was Christmas Eve I still wasn't feeling very Christmas-y, when all of a sudden I had to slam on my brakes. There, right in front of me, was a deer. A lone deer. A reindeer, perhaps. Standing right in the middle of a road that I've never seen a deer on before. It was so, so strange.

Was it a sign from God? A message? Was this somebody's way of saying to me, "Wake up, Bob, it's Christmas?"

I thought about this as I pressed down on the accelerator and ran the deer over. Sure, the deer probably was a sign, but I didn't know that for sure. What I did know was that my mom didn't start cooking dinner yet, and deer meat happens to be very tasty and low in carbs.

My whole life I've heard of "Christmas miracles," but I've never actually experienced one until tonight. A greater power intervened to send me a very important Christmas message: Believe in the magic of Christmas, because there's no better feeling out there. Well. Either that, or "Eat Healthier." I haven't figured it out yet.

But Merry Christmas everybody. I hope you have a happy and healthy one.

love,
bob

|
b at 6:53 PM

Christmas Giving

Your Christmas wishes.... (updated)

I have been left with no choice but to beg you to give me a straight answer: Is there going to be an I Love The 80s tres?
Well, I don't know how big of a secret it is, but to the best of my knowledge there will be another I Love The 80's. That makes me happy, because they still haven't talked about The Legend Of Billie Jean, and I won't be satisfied until they do.

all i want for christmas is the questions below answered sincerely:
1. is Laguna Beach scripted or spontaneous reality?
2. could LC possibly be hotter?
3. why does sarah jessica parker make me mad upon sight?
4. why do so many people find jim carey to be funny?
5. why am i so convinced i'll end up with a girl named 'jane' even though i don't know anyone named 'jane'?
1. Laguna Beach is really real. Kristin even assured me that it was a bizarre coincidence that her car broke down immediately after complaining that she needed a new one. She's also really hot, too.
2. LC could not possibly be hotter. The fact that she went to the prom with that ugly guy because they agreed to go together in the 9th grade gave ugly Freshman boys everywhere the brilliant idea to lock down the hotties quick, before puberty really strikes hard. She deserves a nobel peace prize for that.
3. Those Gap commercials have forever tied SJP together with that awful Lenny Kravitz song. You know, the one that rhymes lady with shady. This song has led to a universal hatred of a)Sarah Jessica Parker, b)Lenny Kravitz, c)The Gap , and d)black Jews everywhere. all 11 of them.
4. Jim Carrey was an amazing stand-up. And he was hilarious on In Living Color. He gets a lifetime pass for that.
5. The first girl I ever kissed was named Jane. We still keep in touch. She has a boyfriend, but I can put in a good word for you. Are you Jewish?

hey! i want best week ever to come back before january 21. either that, or plans for new years. i'd like those two things.
Well, I can't get Best Week Ever back before January 21st, but in the meantime check out the Best Week Ever blog and vh1.com/news (gratuitious plugs!). The blog has links for original videos, too, to tide you over. Oh, and as far as New Years goes- I'm gonna be in Phoenix this year, but I hear that there's something going on in Times Square. You should go there, I'm sure it's loads of fun!!!

Hmm. For Christmas I'd like to stalk you, where may I do so?
Man, talk about lazy. As a stalker, shouldn't you already know that?

More than anything this christmas, I really want a new car with really big wheels, fantastic stripes down each of the sides and some really bad ass lights on the top... i then will get some respect from all the wack hoes out there who have been dissing me from day one... can you please help?
No. I'm Bob, not Xzibit. Sorry.

i want a picture of a molar.

Done.

I would like all the cliche stuff like world peace, love, and a digital camera.
Well, then I'll give you a cliche'd answer: Just pray for it, and God will make it so.

Better blog posts.
If you're a smart ass, and you want better blog posts than the ones I've been giving you, then you should go here.

Wait one more - the return of videos on MTV.
And I just punched myself in the balls. Happy?

There's this girl, her name is Sara, that I really want to make out with. Any help there?
Is Sara cute? Can I make out with her too? This is the season of giving, you selfish prick!

Bob's sweet, hairy, balls.
Well, it is the season of giving... give me a call... Dan.

i want my walmart card.
I remember asking Santa for Walmart cards when I was a little kid. Instead, he just gave me things like videogames and bikes. Sadistic fat bastard. (him, not you)

And for those of you who asked for DR. AWESOMEFUCK this Christmas... well, Christmas morning when you wake up and head down the stairs to your beautiful Christmas tree, look very carefully underneath, because DR. AWESOMEFUCK will be there. And he will fuck your brains out, Awesomely. A gift, from this guy to you.

|
b at 10:46 AM

what do you want for christmas?

Sorry for the late post y'all, it's just been one of those days.

So I have a question for you. What do you want for Christmas? From me. It's the season of giving, so I feel like I should give you all a little something. Kind of like a 1/2 Jewish Santa Claus.

So if you want anything for Christmas, just put your requests in the Comments section. I really don't know how this is going to work out, but let's give it a shot.

Whatever you want. I'm here to give.

|
b at 6:33 PM

The Definitive Sex Mix Guide

Who's done it? Who's made a Sex CD? Be honest.

I haven't, but it's an idea I've been kicking around since I started having (consensual) sex all those years ago. Of course, back then it would have been a Sex Mix-Tape, which would've made things awkward when I'd have to stop everything and flip it over to side B.

In college I would distract myself during boring classes by writing potential track listings for my ideal Sex Mix. I'd only be able to get a few songs down before I would say to myself, "What the fuck am I doing??" I mean, can someone really make a Sex CD? What does that say about you as a person? I guess it kind of says, "I have enough sex to necessitate a Sex CD," but it also kind of says, "I am really, really lame."

First things first: why make a Sex CD? Simple-- there are absolutely no good CD's to have sex to. Or to make love to. Or to bone to. None. Not all the way through, at least. Sure, there are tons of CD's with potential, with little blocks of great sex songs, with the occasional hot track that makes you want to take your pants off, but there's not a single CD that I've come across that does the deed from beginning to end. There are 2 factors that contribute to this: The Single and Irony.

The Single ruins CD's that have sex potential. The single could be the one fast song on a generally slow and moody CD, or the one quirky song on an otherwise solid album. Not only does the single jar you, it's immediately recognizable, resulting in an awkward detachment that causes you and your partner to simultaneously think, "Oh, it's this song." If you know the words you start singing along in your head, which is great for guys (because it distracts you and bides more time) but not great for girls (because it distracts you and takes more time). The Single is a total mood killer, and it has ruined more albums in the past ten years than P. Diddy.

Now, Irony. Irony killed Soul. Killed Soul dead. All that great Al Green/Marvin Gaye/Otis Redding/Barry White music has been ruined-- no longer considered sexy, thanks to irony. Before the 'Age of Irony' you could play "Let's Get It On" to get somebody in the mood. Now if you cued up that song during the heat of the moment your partner would laugh their ass off. All that great 70's Soul music has been wasted away on lame TV commercials and Rob Schneider movies. Because of that, we're fucked. In case you didn't notice, there weren't any other genres of music in the 70's pumping out music to have sex to. Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, and the Ramones aren't exactly sexy, unless you're a D&D geek, elderly goth, or ugly, respectively. And the 80's didn't pick up the slack either, unless you live in New Jersey and have a girl that likes to get it on to Slippery When Wet. But that's it.

So as a generation with no good Sex Music, I guess we're kind of obligated to make our own Sex Mixes. But making a Sex Mix comes with several problems. First of all, what do you title it? "Sex Mix Vol. 1"? "Bob's Mood Music"? "Lay There And Take It"? You have to write something on the CD with a black sharpie, don't you? Beyond that, when you put on a Sex CD you're determining what kind of sex you're going to have. Radiohead sex is different than Sade sex. And classical music sex is different than both of those, because it means you're probably having sex with a baroness. (well, that's what it means on Cinemax.)

How about the sleazy factor? Is it sleazy if you use the same Sex Mix for a bunch of different girls? Is it sleazier, than say using the same box of condoms for a bunch of different girls? I say it is, because symbolically music is supposed to bring us closer together, while condoms are meant to keep us apart. But since it would be an incredible hassle to keep making new Sex CD's, I guess it's okay to reuse them. Of course, you should probably stop if you find yourself saying, "Geez, I liked this song so much more the last time I listened to it. God I miss my ex-girlfriend." The other problem is that if you've listened to it more than once you're going to start putting pressure on yourself. Like, "if I don't hold out until Track 9 I'm pathetic." Like you really need that.

What about the track listing to a Sex Mix? Do you try to match the pacing to that of a typical sexual encounter? Do you start with a few slow songs, proceed to work your way up to the climax, and conclude with the denouement? Am I putting way, way too much thought into this??? I think I am.

But I'm not losing hope. While I don't think I'll ever be able to put together a satisfactory Sex Mix, hopefully there is an artist out there working on the ideal Sex CD as we speak. One that's devoid of Singles, Irony, and P. Diddy. Until then, I have no choice but to stick with my old standby: Mary Kate & Ashley's Greatest Hits.

What?

|
b at 1:42 PM

The 2005 Poop List

With 2K4 nearing a close, and 2K5 barreling towards us, I decided to look ahead and start making a list. More specifically, a Poop List. What is a Poop List, you ask? Well, a Poop List is kind of like a Shit List, but not quite. While a Shit List is a list consisting of enemies or things you can't stand, my Poop List will be a list of things or types of people that get on my nerves throughout the year.

Now don't worry, this site isn't taking a turn to the bitter. I'm still an easygoing and relaxed guy, but I am human. There are things that I don't like dealing with and things that I want to see come to an end. Hopefully raising awareness to such things will force people to take note, and we can all go into 2K6 happier and healthier than before.

So, without further hesitation, I'm going to get a head start, and announce the first entry to the 2005 Poop List.

1. People who say, "I mean, MTV doesn't even play music videos anymore."

I can't stand this. Listen, everybody knows that MTV doesn't play music videos anymore. It's common knowledge. MTV hasn't played videos with any kind of regularity since the early 90's. We get it. But even though everybody knows this, there are still people that feel the need to declare that "MTV doesn't even play music videos anymore" during any discussion on music, videos, or music videos.

Everybody's gotten sucked into this conversation. My routine response used to be, "Yeah, I know. It sucks," which is the response that the person is looking for 98% of the time. However, once I started working at MTV I felt that I was expected to have a more intelligent answer. So, I changed my routine response to, "Yeah, well video shows don't rate well anymore, so MTV had no choice but to produce more original programming." That not only makes sense, it's also completely true. But sadly, all it does is force the person to say, "Yeah, but it's Music Television," like I didn't already know that.

Listen, I like music videos. I miss music videos. I loved MTV2 back when they only played videos, before it turned into MTV. When I'm at work I watch MTV-U, MTV's new college-only station that resembles what MTV2 was. Now, if somebody wanted to have a discussion on how MTV2 doesn't even play music videos anymore I might be able to tolerate it. But that would require some degree of cleverness and unique thought, 2 things that people who say "MTV doesn't even play music videos anymore" usually lack.

Now listen, if you're a person that has said it, I'm not judging. It happens. It's a very easy thing to get tricked into saying, and I'm sure 99% of us have said it at one point or another. I'm not perfect. I've said it.

But I don't want to have that conversation anymore. Done. It's not unique and it's not stimulating. It's like talking about Vegas and saying, "What happens in Vegas STAYS in Vegas." C'mon, we're better than that.

I've already decided what I'm going to do the next time somebody utters the words "MTV doesn't even play videos anymore." I'm going to make a fist, raise it up, and proceed to punch myself in the balls as hard as I can. This will serve 2 purposes. One, I will probably black out, thereby ending the conversation then and there. But more importantly, number two; it will let the person know that I would rather literally punch myself in the balls than talk about MTV and music videos.

I think that would get the point across. Now please don't say it just to watch me punch myself in the balls. That would be mean.

|
b at 2:17 PM

let's recap

1. First of all, Best Year Ever is on tonight. Watch it. Or, if you actually have a life and won't be at home at 11, I'm sure it'll be on again. I don't know if you've noticed, but VH1 has a habit of playing things more than once. Crazy, right? But anyway, in the meantime check out William Hung singing "Deck The Halls." It never gets old people, it never gets old.

2. It's only been a few days, but sadly I have to report that I have not heard back from Darragh yet regarding our threesome. I'm beginning to think it's not going to happen. This upsets me greatly. But on the plus side, if you type her name in Google, this site is the first thing that comes up. That can't be good for a journalist. Ever.

3. The Best Week Ever wrap party was Wednesday night. It's taken me 2 days to report on it because I've only now recovered. And I don't mean that in the "i'm hungover" kind of way, I mean emotionally. It was one hell of a night. The actual party took place at the Ava Lounge at the Dream Hotel, which apparently smells. The after-party, though, was at my favorite place in all of New York-- Japas 55. By far the best Japanese Karaoke bar this side of Japan. Paul Scheer, Doug Benson, and about 25 Best Week Ever staffers just took the place over and we sang our hearts out. I rocked "Keep On Loving You" to the best of my drunken ability. There was some crowd surfing, there were some shirts taken off, there was some booing when somebody sang a song we didn't like... we basically destroyed the place. All in all, we set US-Japanese relations back about 50 years.

4. I've just been told that Aaron Karo will be in my building on Tuesday to be interviewed for "I Love The 80's part 3." What's my move?

5. The Nick & Jessica Holiday special is on MTV as I'm typing this. Right now the people in my office are trying to figure out what kind of bird Ashlee Simpson looks like. Part of me wants to help, but part of me wants to yell, "Ashlee and I shared some very intimate moments in a dream I had a month ago, I'd appreciate you show her some respect!"

6. Here's a picture from the Best Week Ever wrap party. I was so drunk I don't remember any of this.

I love you all. (oh yeah, I forgot to mention that the link is not safe for work. whoops.)

|
b at 3:42 PM

Guess The Karo! Vol. 4

It's that time again. Everybody's favorite semi-comedian Aaron Karo put out another edition of Ruminations. And once again, we're going to play Guess The Karo. For you newcomers, here's how it works. 2 of the following "jokes" are from Karo's column. Notice how they're not the least bit funny. The other 2 "jokes" are stupid things that I write as they come to my head. Karo dedicated his last column to his roommate, Brian. Luckily, I had a roommate named Brian too. See if you can guess who wrote what.

Guess The Karo IV - The Brian edition.

1) I don't think Brian understands that just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to say "I love you" at the end of every single phone conversation, voicemail, email, text message and Post-it note. It's OK not to say it. I don't think she'll forget - you've been in physical contact for sixteen consecutive hours.

2) Brian has a tattoo of an atom on his shoulder. He's never told us what it's supposed to represent. But whenever he tells people he has a tattoo of an atom, somebody always ends up saying, "Adam? Adam who?" Come on, who would get a tattoo of a guy named Adam? Next time somebody asks, I told Brian to answer "Adam Sandler. I'm a huge fan."

3) Since we both watch a lot of TV, Brian and I have been arguing about the Scott Peterson verdict and punishment. Brian thinks it's justified, but I think it's setting a terrible example. All of a sudden it's like the court is telling us we're not allowed to kill our wives. Not even once!

4) Our apartment building has a garbage chute in the hallway. Since we rarely, if ever, take out the kitchen trash, I usually throw food waste down the chute. Brian refuses. He insists on throwing rotten bananas and leftover tuna fish in the kitchen garbage, saying, "It's a garbage can, that's what it's there for." Dude, garbage cans only work if you empty them. If you don't, it's not a garbage can - it's just a filthy hole next to the fridge.

Answers, as always, are in the Comments Section. Fuck me!

|
b at 3:36 PM

i'm the music man

Favorite Karaoke Song To Sing: REO Speedwagon "Keep On Lovin' You"
Song I Most Often Sing In The Shower: Old 97's "Barrier Reef"
Song I Sang With No Musical Accompaniment For An Exercise In A Drama Class In High School: Counting Crows "Anna Begins"
Other Song I Sang In That Drama Class: Soul Asylum "String Of Pearls"
Song My Mom Told Me To Stop Singing Because I Was A Suburban 13 Year-Old White Kid: Arrested Development "Tennessee"
First Song I Knew All The Words To As A Kid: Lynyrd Skynyrd "Gimme 3 Steps"
Song I Would Sing If I Sing A Song When I Propose: Old 97's "Question"
Song I Think I Sound Really Good Singing: Billy Joel "Scenes From An Italian Restaurant"
Song Lyrics I Yell Out When Extremely Drunk: "I Got Ho's/ I Got Ho's/ In Different Area Codes and Different... Zip Codes"
Song I Love Singing More Than Anything Else: Queen "Don't Stop Me Now"
Song I Sang With My Friend's Band At The Battle Of The Bands Senior Year: Blur "Song 2"
Song I Constantly Sang To My HS Girlfriend: Hanson "I Will Come To You"
Song I Would Sing And Dance To In College While Getting Ready To Go Out: Robbie Williams "Rock DJ"
Song I Use Now: Cody Chesnutt "I Look Good In Leather"
Song I Lost My Voice Singing Along To In The Car: Stellastarr "Jenny"
Karaoke Song That I Got So Into I Took My Shirt Off During The Performance: Bobby Brown "On Our Own"
Musical That I Would Constantly Sing Songs From As A Kid: The Music Man
Song I Sang A Couple Of Lines To A Girl, Which Led To Some Action: Dr. Hook "Carry Me Carrie" (her name was Carrie, natch)
Album I Sing Along To, Every Word To Every Single Song: Weezer, Pinkerton
Song I Sang In Front of My Mom That Led To An Awkward Sexual Discussion As A Kid: K7 "Come Baby Come"

|
b at 6:02 PM

i'm easily encouraged

TO: Darragh Worland
FROM: Pregame2000@hotmail.com
Subject: Queen for a day...

Dear Darragh,
First of all, I just want to say that I'm a big fan. I pick up Metro every day and flip right to "Pillow Talk" to see what you have to say. I think you're a great writer, and judging by your head shot, pretty easy on the eyes too.

The reason I'm writing is because I just finished reading your "Queen for a day better as fantasy" piece, and I absolutely loved it. First of all, I applaud you for tackling such a taboo subject in a newspaper that anybody, at any age, can just pick up on the street and read. In today's world of FCC regulations and constant censorship, I respect and admire your-- for lack of a better word-- cojones.

I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't disappointed by the ending. I can't believe you haven't been able to find 2 guys who are willing to experiment with each other in order to provide you your "ultimate fantasy." It's sad how homophobic most guys are, isn't it? Lucky for you, I'm no homophobe-- or homo. Nope, I'm right in between. I'm a guy who loves women, and does all I can to satisfy them. If that means experimenting with another guy, then so be it. Now, I've never done it before, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't.

In order to make a woman happy I could probably make out with a guy, assuming he shaved that day. I'd also be cool with our stingers accidentally touching on occasion, as long as he doesn't smile at me when they do. Also, a lot of times when you watch porn and 2 guys are doubling up on a girl-- vaginally and anally-- the anal guy's sack tends to end up resting on the vaginal guy's shaft. I'm cool with that.

I'm sure you've gotten thousands of emails just like this one. There are a lot of freaks out there. But I'm a normal guy... a normal guy who'd like to try something new.

About me: I'm 27 years old, white, and 6'4" tall. I've been told that I look like a slightly less muscular Henry Rollins. I'm disease free... unless, of course, you consider having a tremendous rod a disease ;-). Also, I've never been married, and I don't have any living children.

I really hope to hear back from you. I think we would both benefit from that, if you know what I mean. If I don't hear back, once again- big fan, and keep up the great work.

With anticipation,
Bob
-----------------------------------------------------------
Yes, I actually sent this email to Darragh.
No, I don't actually want to have a 3-some with another guy.
No, I'm not 27 and I'm not 6'4". Although, I was told I looked like a less muscular Henry Rollins my freshman year of college when I had normal hair.
Yes, I'm disease free.
No, I don't consider having a tremendous rod a disease.
Yes, I will post her response if there is one. God, I hope there is one.

|
b at 6:33 PM

Double Her Pleasure

On my way home from the absolutely incredible Ted Leo show Saturday night, I grabbed a Metro newspaper to keep me company during my god-knows-how-long 2 a.m. subway ride back to Brooklyn. Metro, for those of you not in New York, is a crappy free newspaper that you can get on most street corners if you like reading the news and big words scare you. Hey, I'm no elitist, I read the NY Post, but this paper is bad. Trust me.

Okay, so I'm waiting down at the Delancey stop, reading each and every story in the "weekend edition" I was holding, when I arrive at a feature called "Pillow Talk." The title of the column reads: Queen for a day better as fantasy. Hmm. I read the first few lines.

It's long been a fantasy of mine, but I've never quite imagined it would come true. Two men, completely devoted to my sexual desires. A combination of feminist poetic justice, my own version of the Madonna/Britney kiss in a less homophobic world, and a chance to act out a modern-day Cleopatric play date.

And that's when it hits me. Time out. Was I about to read an article in the "Dating" section of a free newspaper about a chick getting stuffed??? And not just stuffed, but double stuffed??? Oreo-style!!! Noooo....

Yes.

I couldn't even believe it. The author, Darragh Worland, goes on and describes her grand plan of having a 3-some with two men that she talks to on the internet. But don't worry, they weren't both strangers. One of the guys was an ex. Hmm, I wonder why they broke up...

Brad, a young and insecure exlover from Oregon who dumped me at a party two years ago after I French-kissed a male friend in front of him, has always toyed with the idea of living out my ultimate fantasy. But I didn't think he had it in him.

Oh, okay. Man, that guy must be insecure if he dumped a girl just because she made out with another dude in front of him. What a fag. Let's continue...

Before I knew exactly what was happening, Brad was forwarding a topless picture of himself preening in front of the mirror to the Boy's Hotmail account while I coordinated a date and time for the three of us to hook up.

Metro newspaper. Page 16. For the record, the cover story was about the New York City Firefighter who died in Iraq. Moving on...

"So we'll all just meet at your place and get down to business?" Brad asked, once we'd all agreed on a time. "Yup," I answered, thinking this was starting to sound a little more Alexander than Cleopatra. "What will you be wearing?" TheBoy asked on our Yahoo! thread. "Nothing, I guess," I wrote, still not entirely convinced that I would be home when the two warriors showed up.

Okay, for arguments sake, let's say your Brad. A couple of years ago you're dating a girl named Darragh who's always telling you that her 'ultimate fantasy' was 2 dudes at the same time. Kinda strange. But she's cute and obviously sexually adventurous, so you stick it out. Of course, you end things when you see her making out with somebody else. Fair enough. But for some reason you keep in touch, and one day she talks you into having a 3some with her and another guy. You push your fears aside, and decide to go ahead with it... only to show up at her apartment to find she's not there. Now, ask yourself this: Would it be out of line to set this bitch's apartment on fire? I really don't think so. No jury in America would convict you. Not only would I want to set her apartment on fire, but I'd also want to publish her 3some story in some sort of periodical to humiliate her. I mean, that would definitely ruin her career, right? Oh wait a second. Okay, let's get to the conclusion.

"I'm doing this for you," TheBoy added. "I won't be doing anything with Brad." And with that he killed it, bringing me back to 21st century mores. Suddenly I realized I couldn't go through with it. My chance to be Queen for a day started to sound more like a potential gangbang at my expense. Did I really want to romp around in my loft bed with two horny men, too proud to experiment? The next day I called it off, with little explanation, hoping that sometime within my lifetime, things will change.

Sigh. So Darragh still hasn't been doubleteamed like Shaquille O'Neal in the paint. She hasn't been put on the rotisserie-- or had cards played on her back, for that matter-- all because she can't find 2 guys willing to experiment with each other as well as with her. Poor girl.

All of this has put me in the mood. Darragh is, after all, "a writer living in New York. Reach her at pillowtalk@metro.us." Would it be horrible to email her and tell her that I found her story erotic and ultimately disappointing, and offer my services? Should I do it? Should we all do it, and copy our emails into the comments section?

What's the call? This could be a fun project for all of us here at My Blog Is Poop. Or it could be just plain evil. What do you think? I'm open.

Well, not as open as Darragh, but you know what I mean.

|
b at 3:44 PM

holiday greetings

10 Quick Notes on the MTVN Holiday party

1. Funniest line of the night, courtesy of Best Week Ever's Brian Huskey, regarding the decorations at the Hammerstein Ballroom: "Yeah, so there's a big bed upstairs... for fucking, I guess?"

2. After drinking for 7 hours, it's never a good idea to try to tell your friend, "Here, run at me and I'll lift you over my head like Patrick Swayze does," no matter how tiny she is.

3. When asked where so-and-so was, it never got old responding, "I think he's partying with the LOGO people, if you know what I mean."

4. I don't know much, but I do know that I had about 3 or 4 'conversations' with people where I had no clue what they were saying. It was loud in there.

5. The best part about an Open Bar is you just don't care about anything. One bartender put a lemon in my gin tonic. Rather than suffer through it I simply threw the entire drink out, walked over to another bartender, and got another gin & tonic. Dunzo.

6. Sadly, I didn't harass any MTV talent this year. Two years ago I was obsessed with Sway. There are about a dozen pictures of Sway dancing and me sticking my head next to him, huge smile on my face, giving a big thumbs up.

7. I've been incredibly hungover all day. I spent most of my morning upset that the Popeyes in Times Square closed down, because where was I going to get my shitty fast food now? The answer turned out to be KFC. Blechhh.

8. After 3 years, I've finally come to grips with the fact that I'm never going to eat at the holiday party. It's impossible. When you first get in everybody's eating, so you don't want to wait in line. Then, as the night progresses and you're drinking, you don't want to make a special trip. Also, you can't look cool balancing a plate on your cup while you awkwardly try to cut a piece of chicken. It's just not worth it.

9. The party was missing "Hey Ya." Last year's party took place around the time that Hey Ya was hitting its peak in popularity. No exaggeration, they played the song about 8 times, and in typical Hey Ya fashion it never got old. Plus, every year there are people with Polaroid cameras taking pictures and giving them to you. So during the "shake it like a Polaroid picture" part of the song, everybody took out their photos and... yeah. We were so clever, us MTV Network staffers. There was none of that this year.

10. This blog is ruining my conversational skills. When I was talking to my friend Helene she brought up everybody's favorite show, Laguna Beach. "Oh," I said, "did you hear about what Scott and I did on Tuesday?" Before I could even finish the sentence she said, "Yeah, I know all about it, I read your blog." I paused. "Oh... so what else is up?"

Have a good weekend all.

|
b at 5:24 PM

sizzler?

I think i know why Lindsayism doesn't feel so well today. Last night was the MTV Networks holiday party... this guy doesn't feel too good either.

I'm going to try to give you a recap in a little bit. It was insane.

|
b at 1:21 PM

The Marrying Man

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the average age for a first marriage in the United States is 26. This really scares me, considering I'm turning 25 in a month and don't have any prospects. I better get off my ass and find myself a wife, quick.

This isn't going to be easy. Just to play it safe, I've set up a gameplan for the next 12 months, outlining a surefire way to find myself a wife by 26.

JANUARY
January is going to be my last month of "single life," which essentially means my last month of bothering girls at bars and going home alone. I'm going to enjoy this month though, not answering to anybody, and drunkenly calling ex-girlfriends and telling them how much I miss them. Also, I will finally get that ever elusive threesome out of the way, making it that much easier for me to settle down.

FEBRUARY
This is perfect. I'm going to lay low for the first two weeks, but come the 14th (Valentines Day) I'm hitting the town hard. That night, or the following weekend, I'm going to find an extremely attractive, wonderful lady who's recently come to the realization that she's lonely and seeking true love. I am then going to take advantage of this lady, and go into March promising that this was going to be the month that I really start getting serious.

MARCH
I am going to waive my "don't bother girls on the subway and don't bother girls at starbucks" clause. Sadly, all this is going to result in is more girls being bothered on the subway and in starbucks.

APRIL
Through a friend, I am going to meet my ideal woman in April. She will be exactly what I'm looking for, and I will know it immediately. Of course, she will have a boyfriend. I will decide to assume that she's not happy with said boyfriend, and make it my goal in life to get her.

MAY
Frustrated that 1/4 of the year has already passed and I am still wife-less, I will give up my pursuit of the girl with the boyfriend. As it turns out, she wasn't nearly as unsatisfied as I decided she was. I will spend the rest of May wallowing in my misery.

JUNE
I will begin dating a girl in June. She's not exactly what I'm looking for, but she'll do.

JULY
My friends are going to remind me that I should end things with the girl. They'll say, "She's not right for you. You're looking for a wife, remember? You should end things before it gets too serious." I'll agree.

AUGUST
My girlfriend and I start talking about moving in together. Sure it's only been 2 months, but her lease expires in September. I mean, she spends practically every night at my place anyway... and I don't find her nearly as annoying now as I did in the beginning. It would just make sense if she moved in, that's all.

SEPTEMBER
After brushing off living-together conversations during the last 2 weeks of August, the girlfriend is forced to move in with an old college roommate that she never really liked. She resents me for this. When I write the number "9" on my rent check I realize that it's already September, and I'm stuck in a dead-end relationship. I break things off on September eleventh, for dramatic effect.

OCTOBER
The friend of a friend breaks up with her boyfriend! This is incredible! Turns out that it happened in the middle of September, and she's been laying low ever since. I'm warned to play it cool, because this guy really broke her heart or something. I do as told. When I'm told that the girl will be out on Halloween, I'm psyched.

OCTOBER 31st/NOVEMBER
I spend most of Halloween talking to the girl. She's dressed as Alice In Wonderland, while I'm wearing a white lab coat with a nametag that says "Vagina Inspector." We bond over the fact that we both broke up with our significant others in September, and talk about how hard it's been. Of course, it wasn't that hard for me, but she doesn't have to know that. But anyway. After a lot of talking, and a lot of Jell-O shots, we share our first kiss during a walk from one bar to another. It's perfect. Rather than go to the bar, we hail a cab and go back to her place. She falls asleep during the ride. When we get to her apartment I walk her to her bed, tuck her in, kiss her on the forehead, and go to sleep on the couch. I don't even touch her boobs in the process, because she's special.

The next morning is a little awkward, but still nice. We get breakfast, and end up spending the day together. It's great. When I leave that night I tell her I'll call her "later," but I know I'm calling her the next day. I do. Things are great for a couple of weeks, until the ex-boyfriend comes back in the picture. She distances herself from me for what seems like an eternity while she settles things with the ex. I pretend that I'm doing the same thing with my ex-girlfriend, but the truth is I'm actually just masturbating a lot.

DECEMBER
She apologizes for making herself unavailable. We start spending all of our time together. Our friends tell us how perfect we are for one another, and in private we agree. I bring her home for Hanukkah, while I meet her family on Christmas. Deep down we know that this is it. We have found true love, just in time. A few weeks before my 26th birthday, and a few days after her 19th. Things are perfect.

Then, on New Years Eve, just to be safe, I impregnate her.

Done.

So I think this should work. If you're also almost 26, feel free to print this up and use it as an outline. Just make sure we don't have any of the same mutual friends, okay, because I didn't account for that.

I'd say "wish me luck," but clearly I don't need it. Here goes nothing.

|
b at 4:48 PM

In the industry, we call this a teaser...

:::HUGE DEVELOPMENT::::
Which underrage reality TV hottie is Bob going to meet tonight? Full blog details tomorrow...

:::UPDATE:::

The answer: Kristin from Laguna Beach.

Yep. Last night I was over at 1515 Broadway shooting some behind the scenes footage for the upcoming Laguna Beach DVD. I got to meet Kristin and the kid that always wore a hat and made his friends participate in fashion shows, Trey. But enough about him.

Kristin was great. We interviewed her and hung out in the green room with her as she watched last night's episode for the first time. She was really sweet and incredibly good looking and incredibly still in high school. You tend forget how young people are when you spend months watching them get drunk and hook up on TV. Strange how that happens. But anyway, I have nothing but good things to say about Kristin (and I would continue to say them if I weren't a) afraid of losing my job or b) afraid of getting locked up.)

But it was all good. Somehow Kristin and I didn't fall madly in love and have to run off to a faraway land where our age difference would be accepted, like Guam, or the Upper East Side, but besides that it was great.

I'll have a real update for y'all in a little bit. This post is Dunzo.

|
b at 6:03 PM

50% Jew, 100% Man

Tonight's the first night of Hanukkah, so it's time to start celebrating. Of course, since I'm only 1/2 Jewish I'm only allowed to celebrate 4 nights, but still.

I can never get away with saying I'm a 1/2 Jew. Inevitably, somebody will ask me what my mother is. Well, I'll answer, my mother is Jewish. Ohhh, they'll say, then you're a Jew. And they'll go on and say, you're not a 1/2 Jew, you're a Jew. And then they'll add, so shut up Jew boy, you're a full blown Jew, deal with it. Or something to that effect.

But here's the thing; I'm the perfect example of a 1/2 Jew, and here's why. I haven't set foot in a temple in 12 years-- nearly half my life, I celebrate approximately 50% of all Jewish holidays-- the 50% that involve presents, and I know about 1/2 as much about being Jewish as a real Jew does-- if that.

I grew up 50/50. I remember my girlfriend in high school had no idea what I was for quite some time. First, she met my mom (obviously Jewish). Then she met my dad (obviously Italian). Then she saw a photo of me wearing a yarmulke (obviously Jewish). But then my grandmother cooked us a pasta dinner (obviously Italian). Then she saw my penis (obviously Black). It was really confusing for her, to say the least.

Plus, my name is Bob. How non-ethnic is that?

But I've always enjoyed being a 1/2 Jew. Like in the 7th grade when a girl named Lisa told me she could never date me because I was Jewish, I was able to reply, "But I'm also Italian." Or in college, when I was dating a Jew, and she told me that her mom loved me because I was Jewish.

Actually, that's the biggest perk to being a 1/2 Jew-- Jewish moms. The line I like to use is that I'm "Jewish enough for the mothers and Italian enough for the daughters." I'm not sure exactly what that's implying, but it makes Jewish girls melt like schmaltz.

I've already decided that in my ongoing effort to make life difficult for people, my children are going to grow up celebrating both Christmas and Hanukkah, like I did. Unless, of course, I'm poor. Then they ain't celebrating shit. But I think celebrating both holidays is healthy, because it's not like the concept of the holidays conflict with one another. It's not like, "Christmas is about the birth of Baby Jesus" and "Hanukkah is about killing baby Jesus." Hanukkah is about candle wax, or some shit like that, and nobody gets offended by candle wax, right?

But anyway, that's how I'm going to raise my children. I also plan on naming said children Herpes and ThunderDick, but that's another story for another day.

Happy Hanukkah everybody. Celebrate like Jesus would.

|
b at 1:18 PM

Hip 2 B Square

I know it's totally not hip to talk about hipsters. I mean, everything's already been said. "They wear stupid hats, they listen to indie music, they eat babies," whatever. But today I saw that People Magazine had a list of "Hipster Gifts for the Holidays" and it made me wonder: am I a hipster? According to their gift guide, I'm not. But to be honest, I don't think anybody wants a copy of "Coffee And Cigarettes" on DVD and a book about architecture this holiday season, hipster or not.

So am I a hipster? I don't consider myself one, but let's look at the facts.

PRO (yes Bob, you're a hipster)
-I have a blog. It's true, you should check it out sometime
-The Hold Steady Almost Killed Me is on my Top 10 list of albums this year
-Um, I have a Top 10 list of albums
-The last 3 books I've read were by Chuck Klosterman, Dave Eggers, and David Sedaris
-I have a ridiculous head of hair
-I have a subscription to Spin
-I've played dodgeball in the past 9 months
-I live in Brooklyn
-I go to a place called The Tea Lounge to write
-I've found both my apartment and various concert tickets on craigslist
-I spend most of my weekends in the East Village
-I regularly drink Rheingold and/or Brooklyn Lager when out
-I'm on friendster
-I love David Cross, Todd Barry, Dimitri Martin, & Eugene Mirman
-I'll be seeing Ted Leo at the Bowery this weekend because I love Ted Leo & the Bowery

CON (no Bob, you fucking loser, you're not a hipster)
-I still don't own an iPod
-I'm a big sports fan, root for the Yankees, and watch football on Sundays
-I still have an active interest in what's going on with the Counting Crows
-I have a subscription to Spin
-Pointed and said, "Look, look, Tony Hawk!" when I saw Tony Hawk at The Killers concert
-I've never DJ'd, nor do I have the desire to
-Never been to Misshapes
-I live in Park Slope, not Williamsburg.
-In fact, I just googled Williamsburg to make sure I spelled it right
-When I go to The Tea Lounge to write, I'm usually writing dick jokes
-I own a Dell
-Not so into the whole 'suicide girl' look
-Didn't protest, fund raise, or attend any Kerry benefits all summer
-No chucks, hats, ironic T-shirts, or ironic facial hair
-When I see a hipster, sometimes I'll say, "Look, a hipster."

So I don't know. I guess I'm right in the middle. Who cares? I don't give a fuck, I'm me, and that's all that matters. Is that hipster-y?

I give up.

|
b at 1:58 PM

Choose Ashlee's Adventure

I've been thinking about Ashlee Simpson a lot lately. Well, a lot more than I usually do.

I'm not going to lie, I'm worried. As I dutifully watched the Nick & Jessica Family Christmas special Wednesday night it dawned on me that Ashlee Simpson is doomed. All the signs are there. Allow me to present the evidence.

a) Living In The Shadows - Her song "shadow" is an obvious cry for help. The girl is a constant afterthought and she's just dying for attention.

b) The Public Humiliation - Everybody in the country knows about her SNL disaster, and it ain't going away anytime soon. She might as well have done steroids and hit 73 home runs. She'll always have an asterisk next to her name.

c) The Sophomore Slump - Sure her debut album sold well, thanks to her TV show and big sis, but what happens when she tries to follow it up? It's not going to be pretty.

d) I Want My MTV - This girl needs her MTV. I know that her show was just renewed for another season, but sooner or later the cameras are gonna stop showing up, and we all remember what happened to the Osbourne kids when the cameras stopped rolling, right?

I mean, you can't argue any of that, it's clear as day. There are warning signs, and somebody has to address them. And if anybody watched the Nick & Jessica thing the other night, you couldn't help but notice the impending sense of doom that hangs over Ashlee's head. It was quite evident that she wanted no part of that special, but she was forced to be there by her family, her agent, her manager... everybody.

She's just a kid, and sooner or later she's going to snap.

It's just a matter of figuring out exactly what she's going to do. Now, needless to say I don't want anything bad to happen to her. She seems like a sweet kid with good intentions, and I think she deserves to be happy. Plus, out of absolutely nowhere, I had a very explicit sex dream about her a month ago, and have felt closer to her ever since. But that's besides the point. The point is, since I can't help her out at all, I might as well make a list of things that could happen to Ashlee and have people bet on it. That's what friends are for, right?

So place your bets. What's going to happen when Ashlee snaps? Will she:

A) Pose for Playboy? Makes sense. The girl will be seeking some sort of validation and acceptance, what better way to get it than taking off your clothes for the world?
B) Hit The Bottle? She's from Texas, which means she grew up listening to songs about turning to booze when things go wrong. It's practically in her blood.
C) Pills, Pills, Pills? This has to be the money favorite, doesn't it?
D) Change Her Name, Get On A Boat, & Just Sail Away? If it's good enough for Bison Dele, it's good enough for Ashlee Simpson.
E) Drop Out of The Limelight, Move to the Mountains, Smoke A Lot of Weed? If it's good enough for Ricky Williams, it's good enough for Ashlee Simpson.
F) Buy Herself Tremendous Fake Breasts, A Nose Job, and Completely Alter Her Appearance? Doubtful this one will live on its own without the assistance of B or C, but probable nonetheless.
G) End It All? I hope not, mainly because you know it would result in an absolutely horrific tribute song by Jessica.
H) Beat the odds and find success, be happy, and live a long and satisfying life.

I hope it's H, and not just because of the aforementioned sex dream.

...but since you shouldn't bet with your heart, I'm putting my money on C.

You're up.

|
b at 3:07 PM

Guess The Karo!

Is it that time again already? Yes it is. My favorite collegehumor writer, Aaron Karo, put some new Ruminations out the other day, and now it's time for you to Guess The Karo! Don't forget the rules: Two of these are "jokes" that he deemed funny enough to include in his column, while the other two are me pretending to be him. Guess who!

Guess The Karo #3 - The "How Come?" Edition

a) How come whenever I go to Hooters, my table always gets the one ugly waitress?

b) How come whenever I get out of the shower, I can't remember if I put deodorant on and end up sniffing myself like a dog?

c) How come whenever I wake up to my radio alarm it's always a terrible song, and I end up singing it for the rest of the day?

d) How come whenever I'm at a pizza place, I always grab way more napkins than I'm actually going to need?

Answers are in the Comments Section. Good luck.

|
b at 8:21 PM

this week in baseball

What a week to be a Major League Baseball Fan! I know I promised I wouldn't talk baseball until Spring Training, but we're witnessing the most amazing week of baseball ever... and they're not even playing the freakin' game!

First up: Anna Benson on Howard Stern
Last week I almost ended up going to an FHM party that Anna was throwing, but decided to skip it at the last minute since it was the night before the ODB Pub Crawl. But immediately prior the party I became completely intrigued by her. I mean, she looks pretty great in her photo gallery, and in every interview ever all she talks about is how much she loves having sex in public with her husband, New York Mets pitcher Kris Benson. What a woman!

So this week I wake up one morning and who's on Stern? Yep, Anna. All I had to do was listen for 30 seconds before I became completely turned off. She was just soooooo annoying. Claiming she negotiated her husband's contract, babbling on and on while trying to justify her existence. Yesterday, Stern spent some time reading some of the hate mail sent in about her, so I guess I'm not alone. Just a totally unlikable person. The highlight of the interview, though, came when Anna told Stern that if her husband cheated on her she would sleep with the entire Mets team, including the batboys, coaches, and grounds crew. Um. What a woman!

Batting Second: Jason Giambi hearts Steroids
Well, at least this answers some questions about that "intestinal parasite" that bothered him all season. I guess that's code for "steroid withdrawal." Great.

The worst part is, this is all my fault. It's true. When Giambi became a Yankee the only thing I wanted for Christmas that year was a Giambi jersey. I figured I had had such bad luck with jerseys in the past (Exhibit 1. my Luc Robitaille NY Rangers jersey) that it was time I got one that would be a "sure thing." This guy was the reigning AL MVP, he was given a ridiculous contract, and he was fucking cool. Long hair, tattoos, huge biceps. How great would a Jason Giambi jersey be? Answer: Great enough to fold up and put it in a drawer alongside Robitaille and Dan Majerle. I'm just gonna stop buying these before somebody gets hurt.

Next Up: The Boston Red Sox won the World Series
I know that this didn't happen this week, but all these baseball stories keep on making me think about it. It doesn't get any easier to accept it.

Batting Clean-Up: Jose Lima Has Herpes
Forget about Giambi and his steroid abuse-- that's a victimless crime. Check THIS out. LA Dodgers pitcher Jose Lima has to pay a chick $500,000 for giving her herpes! This might be the most embarrassing story ever to surface on espn.com, ever! "Lima Time" has taken on a whole new meaning, especially for people that actually have herpes.

GIRL: I want you so bad.
GUY: I want you too... but not tonight.
GIRL: Why not?
GUY: Well... it's Lima Time.
GIRL: Ohhhhhhh.

So all of that in one week of baseball. It sure makes you long for the days of bench clearing basketball brawls and football players killing people, doesn't it?

Nahh. It's all about baseball. Our national pastime.

|
b at 4:48 PM

this is what i doooooooooo

Check it out people. Every day.

You can get there through www.vh1.com/news

Daily videos.
Funny news stories.
Funny comments by our great panelists.
Full frontal male nudity.
Girl on girl action.
DVDA.

Sorry, got carried away there. The point is, this is going to be the greatest thing to happen to the internet since... well... since... broadband? Fuck, I got nothing.

Just check it out. It'll be fun.

|
b at 5:12 PM