I'm A Marlboro Man
Marlboro is my best friend.
Now, I realize that that's a strange statement to make considering I'm not a smoker, never have been a smoker, and probably never will be a smoker. Sure, in the past I've had the occasional cigarette after a few drinks, but that doesn't happen much anymore because of the smoking ban. I don't know a single real smoker that has quit smoking as a result of New York's smoking ban, yet I'll be damned if I'm going to put my drink down and go stand outside in the cold to smoke a cigarette. Thanks for saving my life Mr. Bloomberg... kind of... sort of... okay, not really.
But I still love Marlboro. Why? Well, about a year and a half ago I went to a party at some bar on the Upper East Side where Marlboro happened to have a few representatives giving out free stuff. One of their people came over to me and flashed a fancy Zippo lighter in my face and told me if I took a quick survey the lighter was all mine. I figured I could use a cool lighter, so I went ahead with it. Now, in college I was the king of fake-signing up for credit cards to get free T-shirts, so I figured this wouldn't be much different. After lying about a few things the representative asked to see my license. When I handed it over they swiped it on some fancy portable computer, pressed a couple of buttons, and bam! the lighter was all mine. And that was that.
Well, ever since then Marlboro has sent me so much free shit in the mail that it almost makes me want to start smoking. A few months ago they sent me a Marlboro cookbook, containing barbeque tips and advice on how to make a steak. Shortly after that I got a Marlboro CD consisting mostly of bands I never heard of and The Divorce. Next I got a little pouch to throw my cigarettes in after I was done smoking them (instead of littering). Then, right before Christmas, they sent me a gift card worth $25! Twenty-five bucks, free, for doing absolutely nothing! It could've been $50 if I had 100 Marlboro miles, but naturally I did not. Oh well, I'll still take it.
They've also sent me tons of coupons for a couple of dollars off packs of cigarettes. In order to feel good about myself (and make smokers angry) I immediately tear these up and throw them out. I have no desire to make it any easier or less expensive for smokers to smoke. And I'm not sorry. So there.
But back to the gifts. Last week I opened up my mailbox to find that Marlboro had sent me a pack of cool playing cards, with a little note that read "Happy Birthday." That's when it dawned on me-- Marlboro is a better friend than most people I know. I mean, a bunch of old friends never contacted me to wish me a happy birthday... Marlboro did. I don't know a single person that would send me $25 for no reason... Marlboro did.
Marlboro is my best friend, and I'm perfectly cool with that.
Now, don't tell Marlboro this, but I have a plan. I figure that since they're sending me all this free stuff and I'm not reciprocating by smoking Marlboros that sooner or later I'm going to bankrupt them. Yep. I've been trying to figure out the math, but I figure if I keep receiving things and not giving them anything in return eventually I'm going to run that company dry. I mean, they're a tobacco company, there's no way they can stay in business if they keep giving me all this free stuff. I can't wait until I single handedly bring them down.
Sure, I'll be a little bit sad because they're my best friend and all, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Hopefully Marlboro will understand-- it's not them, it's me.
Be good, Marlboro man. Be good.
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b at 6:23 PM
