Kelsey Grammer is a PRICK
This post was a long time coming...
If you know me, you know 2 things:
1. I have flat feet
2. I absolutely abhor Kelsey Grammer
I know most of you are probably thinking that 'abhor' is an awfully strong word to use. Others are probably wondering what 'abhor' means (hate, I think). Either way, I'm sticking by it. I hate Kelsey Grammer with a passion.
Now, I don't hate him because he's annoying. And I don't hate him because he's pretentious. And most importantly I don't hate him because of
Down Periscope. No. I hate him for a much, much more personal reason: I hate him because
Kelsey Grammer made fun of me on national television when I was 13 years old, and I will never forgive him for it.
Let's travel back in time, shall we, to 1993.
Mrs. Doubtfire was killing at the box office, kids everywhere were going "insane in the membrane" thanks to Cyprus Hill, and Bob was an awkward 13 year-old kid with braces, pimples, and a voice that clearly indicated that his balls hadn't dropped yet. It was a much more innocent time here in America.
Now, as a kid growing up I watched a lot of TV. Tons of it. So when my mom came home one night and told us that she got tickets to attend the taping of a real live TV show, I was thrilled. It didn't even matter what show it was, I was going to be sitting in the audience of a live television talk show... how cool is that?
So what show did my mom get us tickets to?
Donahue.
Wow.
Okay, so the big day arrives. We arrive at the studio that day only to discover that we were going to be attending a very special show with some very special guests. Rather than sit through a show about cheating husbands or infertile midgets, we were going to actually get to meet... the entire CAST OF
FRASIER! YES! Now,
Frasier was a brand new show at the time, and I had
maybe seen an episode of it, but it didn't matter. I was going to be in the same room as real live celebrities! I was in heaven.
I take my seat and immediately I start thinking of a question to ask the cast of
Frasier. Did I really care about the answer? Nope. Did I really want to be on TV? Absolutely. The show starts, and one by one the cast of Frasier make their way onto the stage to a rousing round of applause. Of course, the dog got the loudest ovation, which in retrospect I hope hurt Kelsey Grammer's tremendous ego. But anyway. About a half-hour into the taping of the show, Donahue announces that when they got back from the break he would be taking questions from the audience. I was ready.
Phil looks around the audience and asks, "Who has a question?" I quickly raise my hand. "Okay, when we get back we're going to go to you first," he says as he points to some overweight woman in the back, "And then we're going to you." AND HE POINTS TO ME! YES! It was really going to happen. I was really going to be on television! I couldn't believe it. I had my question all ready, and boy, was it a great one. When Phil came over to me I was going to ask David Hyde-Pierce-- he played Niles-- I was going to ask him about the show he was on a few months before
Frasier called
The Powers That Be. I believe my exact question was going to be, "What ever happened to that show
The Powers That Be?" It was brilliant.
So the commercial break ends and Phil walks over to the overweight woman in the back. She stands up and asks her question. "Hi, this question is for David. David, I was big fan of your old show
The Powers That Be. Whatever happened to that?"
You fat bitch.
David thanks the woman for remembering the show, and goes on to provide a rather humorous story about how
The Powers That Be actually led to him getting the role of Niles Crane. Everybody was laughing, and the woman came off looking like a genius for citing the show.
I was in trouble.
Phil was on his way over to me to ask a question, and I had NOTHING. What was I going to do? I couldn't stand up and say, "Sorry Phil, the fatty in the back took my question... I'm on TV!!!" No. I had to think of something and I had to think of something fast. So Phil walks right over to me and the following interaction occurs:
PHIL: Yes, my good man.
13 YEAR-OLD BOB: Hi. My question is, I was wondering if anybody has any plans to make the jump onto the big screen?
Not bad, right? I mean, considering the circumstances it could've been much, much worse. So I'm standing there, waiting for a response, when Kelsey Grammer leans forward and replies...
KELSEY: Well, it's not like you can just JUMP onto the big screen!
...and the audience explodes into laugher
...and when he says 'JUMP' he makes a little jumping motion with his hands.
I look like a complete idiot. On television, the camera cuts back just in time to see me go from happy to mortified, as my smile quickly drops and an embarrassed look sweeps over my face. They cut back to Kelsey on stage and he's still making that fucking jumping motion with his hands and the audience is still laughing. I blew it. My first time on television, and I'm getting ridiculed by Kelsey Fucking Grammer. Humiliating. What made it even worse was when they went to another commercial and the cast all leaned in to talk one another, I notice Kelsey making that jumping motion AGAIN! He was still making fun of me!!!
Of course, my friends had a field day with this. "Hey Bob, do you have any plans on making the jump onto the big screen?" Or, "Well, you can't just *jump* onto the big screen," making that jumping movement with their hands over and over again. That's just what every 13 year-old guy needs; public humiliation.
Ever since that day, I have hated Kelsey Grammer. Every one of his Emmy wins was a punch to the stomach, while every one of his DWI's was a reason to celebrate. In a cruel twist of fate, I actually ended up working on
VH1 Goes Inside: Frasier a year ago. Thankfully, it hardly ever aired, because thankfully, nobody cared about
Frasier. When we interviewed Kelsey out in LA, my producer talked about bringing the Donahue tape with him and playing it for Kelsey to see what his reaction would be. In the end they forgot to do it, so I guess I'll never get an apology from the man who enjoys humiliating 13 year-old boys on national television. Oh well.
In an ideal world, someday I will get my revenge on Kelsey Grammer. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that I get to him first... before
The Surreal Life does.
Bastard.
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b at 5:33 PM
