i'm just not that into you
When I was in Arizona I had a lot of time to do nothing. Many days I would wake up, drink some coffee, take a shower, then head over to the local mall with my family and wander around for a few hours. Inevitably I'd end up alone at Barnes & Noble, and inevitably that stop would lead to another two or three cups of coffee. But that's not important. During one of my strolls around the Bestsellers section I came upon a book that sounded interesting: "He's Just Not That Into You." I picked it up and made my way over to one of the slightly-too-comfortable chairs by the window to check it out, along with the Newsweek magazine I was holding (and the Maxim magazine I was hiding underneath).
After quickly skimming through the magazines and studying up on the elections in Iraq and Eva Longoria's favorite sex toys, it was time to delve into He's Just Not That Into You. Now, at the time I had been hearing people use the phrase excessively around the office and on TV, but I didn't know much about the book. All I knew was that some guy wrote something to help girls figure out if guys are into them or not, titled the book "He's Just Not That Into You" and for some reason it was sweeping the nation. Simple enough.
'
I read the corny he-said/she-said Foreword and immediately started feeling like I was reading my sister's YMs again. Now, I would never knock reading girl magazines-- hell, I learned a lot thanks to my sister's YM and Seventeen and Teen magazines growing up. Like, I learned what signs to look for if a girl wants to show you they're into you, I learned about what hunky celebrities shared my astrological sign, and most importantly I learned to never go swimming when I'm on my period because the cute boy I like is inevitably going to be lifeguarding that day and it's going to be SOOOO Embarrassing! But anyway.
For those of you unfamiliar with the background of "He's Just Not That Into You," here it is. Comic Greg Behrendt had the illustrious job of sitting in on writers meetings for
Sex In The City and offering the male perspective when needed. Now, that comes as a shock to me considering I've seen about 70% of all the
Sex In The City episodes and I'm pretty sure there's never been a single male perspective displayed. Regardless, one day during a meeting one of the female writers was complaining about a guy she was dating who hadn't called her (or something like that), and full of frustration she turned to Greg and asked his advice. Greg replied, "He's just not that into you," and the rest, as they say, is history.
Okay, so back to the Arizona Barnes & Noble. I'm sitting there drinking my coffee and I begin reading the first chapter of this book. Almost immediately, a wave of fear sweeps over my body.
I am fucked.
This author... this comic... this prick! has sold me out! He's sold US out!
Page after page, paragraph after paragraph was nothing but one example after the next on how guys act if they're just not that into you... AND IT WAS RIGHT! There it was, on paper, just letting women everywhere know what to search for, what the clues were. Where did this guy get off? Didn't he know the rules? Michael Rappaport spells them out clear as day in
Beautiful Girls,
"You never let them behind the curtain Will. You never let them see the little old man behind the curtain working the levers of the great and powerful OZ. They are all sisters Willie... they aren't allowed back there... they musn't see." Well, this guy didn't just write a book that let women behind the curtains, he wrote a book that burned the curtains down.
See, the genius of the book-- the evil genius of the book-- is the fact that it reads more like a text book than anything else. Realizing that women are crazy, the authors made sure to cover every possible way that a guy could not be into you. They realized that if a delusional woman, who was already deluding herself into thinking a guy was into her, didn't see her EXACT situation in print then she'd assume she was safe. They knew this, so they made sure to cover all their bases... which sucks.
If you meet him at a bar and he gives you his number instead of asking you for yours, he's just not that into you. If you haven't met his friends, he's just not that into you. If he tells you 'he's just not that into you' he's just not that into you. If he tells you that he 'is just that into you' he's probably lying and he's just not that into you.
As I read the first few chapters I started to sweat. If he says that he got so drunk he forgot to call, he's just not that into you. If he says he's been too busy at work to call, he's just not that into you. If he tells you to meet you somewhere it's not a date and he's just not that into you. FUCK! I've used all of those! I knew then and there that this book was going to ruin my life. Sure, I didn't enjoy making a habit of spending time with girls that I "just wasn't into," but it's happened. It's happened to all of us. Well, now these girls were going to know if I wasn't that into them before I had the chance to say it, all thanks to this stupid book.
With this book out there, guys will never be the same. Whenever you meet a girl you have to wonder whether or not she's read it. If you're initially not that into her and she's read the book then it's over before it started. If you start dating her and your interest wanes, how soon before one of her friends makes her read it? "He's Just Not That Into You" is like the Sports Almanac in
Back To The Future 2-- knowing it's out there is bad, and if it falls into the wrong hands it could be flat out dangerous.
I'm glad I read a good chunk of "He's Just Not That Into You" that day in Arizona. For as evil as the book is, and for as much trouble as it's going to get guys in for years and years to come, it also kind of puts things into perspective. Laughing and thinking "Oh, I've done that" gets old pretty quick, and eventually you're just left thinking, "Wait, why did I do that?" It's much, much better when you're into someone. Trust me.
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b at 4:56 PM
