celebrity skin
You always hear people say, "Oh, celebrities, they're just like us." I used to believe it, too. But more and more I'm realizing that the only "us" celebrities are like are the ones that appear on HBO's
Real Sex.
These fuckers are kinky!
If you wanted to make a Modern Perverted Celebrity Timeline you could start off at
Fatty Arbuckle in the 1920's and work your way right up to
Pat O'Brien today. Maybe it's the added attention, or maybe it's the fact that they're so far removed from reality-- whatever the case may be, I'm willing to bet that most stars today have some sort of freaky thing they're into.
That's right, I'm saying "most." Not "all," because I can't imagine the lovely Sarah Michelle Gellar being into anything freaky. But take a guy like the aforementioned Pat O'Brien-- of course the guy is a freak! I could've told you that years ago, though I would've guessed he'd be in to diapers rather than dirty talk. Think back to Marv Albert-- who wouldn't have been able to figure out that this guy was into wearing lingerie and biting people? He might as well have worn a T-shirt advertising it, which he probably would've done if it didn't clash so much with his French Maid's outfit.
So what am I getting at? Celebrities are perverts, and I think that if we look close enough we should be able to figure out what their secret freaky fetishes are.
Sean Penn
Clues: Extremely serious demeanor; inflated sense of self importance; possible chemical dependency; hates the spotlight, still makes movies
Fetish: Total masochist. Particularly enjoys hot wax, nipple clamps
Lindsay Lohan
Clues: from Long Island; unstable, insane father; enjoys the spotlight; uses the word 'retarded' too frequently in conversation; possible chemical dependency; attracted to unattractive men.
Fetish: Orally fixated
Simon Cowell
Clues: British; rude; enjoys horrible music; possible chemical dependency; curt and cold to people.
Fetish: Loves getting pissed on. Loves it.
Ashlee Simpson
Clues: Craves the spotlight; prone to failure; desire to step out of sister's "shadow"; needs attention, acceptance; wants to be the best at something
Fetish: Anal.
Adam Duritz
Clues: Sensitive; funny looking; hopeless romantic; bounces around from starlet to starlet, but all he really wants is to be loved
Fetish: Don't let the sensitive lyrics fool you, this guy loves beating the shit out of women.
Colin Farrell
Clues: Womanizer; modelizer; heartthrob; bad boy; tough guy
Fetish: Dudes.
Jennifer Aniston
Clues: Was one half of Hollywood's sexiest couple; starred in television's most popular sitcom; her famous haircut was copied by millions
Fetish: This one is obvious, but she loves being worshipped. She's all about the roleplaying and the dominating.
50 Cent
Clues: Hardcore; shot 9 times; raps about getting his "lollipop" licked; very close with Dr. Dre and Eminem; wears a lot of "bling"; makes hit records
Fetish: Dudes. Specifically, dudes in gym locker rooms.
Paris Hilton
Clues: Everything
Fetish: Everything. Moving on.
John Sencio
Clues: Awesome; one of the biggest stars of the early 90's; handsome; talented; great taste in music; great sense of style; did I say awesome?
Fetish: Chronic masturbation. How he can he possibly expect to find somebody good enough for him? It's impossible.
Taye Diggs
Clues: I don't really know anything about him; I think he was in
How Stella Got Her Groove Back and maybe
Cool Runnings with Doug E. Doug
Fetish: He's into feet. You can just see it in his eyes.
Elisha Cuthbert
Clues: Hot; Canadian; Hot
Fetish: Half Jewish, Half Italian New Yorkers named Bob. And threesomes. I hope.
And this is just the tip of the iceberg, people. The tip of the iceberg...
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b at 11:06 AM
