mtv spring break rant
Watching MTV's Spring Break, one question keeps coming to mind: Where are all the white women at? Hey, and while we're at it, where are all the black women? And Latin women? And the good looking guys, where are they? So many unanswered questions-- but perhaps the greatest one of all is...
Remember when Spring Break was fun? After watching a weekend's worth of MTV's Spring Break, I can't help but feel utterly depressed. And it's not like how I was depressed watching it as a kid because there were all these hot college co-eds getting naked and rolling around honey and I wasn't there; and not like how I was depressed watching it the year after I graduated college because my youth was fading away and I'd never be able to experience another Spring Break without being the "creepy old guy;" but in a way that made me depressed for our youth. The children.
As a teenager and a pre-teen, MTV's coverage of Spring Break was one of the unequivocal highlights of my year. Sad as that may be, it was true. It was an event akin to the Superbowl, or the first Saturday morning of the fall season when the networks debuted all the new cartoons. It was something I was always excited for. For one week, all of my favorite VJ's hung out at some cool location to debut original programming which largely revolved around girls in their late teens and early 20's finding excuses to take their bikinis off-- what more could you possibly ask for??
MTV made Spring Break look like the best thing on Earth. In fact, it's probably one of the biggest reasons I wanted to go away to college. These kids were having the time of their lives. Girls were followed around with cameras, getting drunk and triple-kissing guys. Guys were randomly pulled on stage to oil down or feel up some ridiculously proportioned college freshman who was on a quest to be named "The Queen of Spring Break." And all the while Idalis and Pauley Shore and THE IMMORTAL JOHN SENCIO and the rest of the crew were trying to pull themselves away from the insanity for just a couple of seconds in order to do their part to put a tv show on the air. It was beautiful to watch.
(Here comes the first plot point) But then, something changed...
(see how I did that?) I don't know when it actually happened, but this year is the first time I actually noticed it-- Spring Break is horrible. Actually, to be fair, MTV's Spring Break is horrible. I'm sure there are still thousands of college kids partying and having fun in Cancun and Cabo, but you'll have a hard time finding that on MTV now. What will you find? Well, you'll find Paris Hilton participating in some lame game show, introducing stunts that tie into her new movie "House of Wax." And you'll find Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore trying to interact with the least charismatic man on the planet, Damien Fahey, in order to plug their new movie about the Boston Red Sox. And you'll find countless other celebrities plugging their new shows, movies, and albums too. But when the camera pans out to the crowd I'll tell you what you won't find-- people having fun.
What happened to the college kids getting naked in a Volkswagon while the cameramen tried their hardest to see through the fogged windows? Remember that? Remember Dr. Dre (the fat one, not the cool one) doing a belly flop to impress Downtown Julie Brown? Remember Jenny McCarthy bursting into the stratosphere during "Singled Out: Spring Break?" Remember Springer break?? The girl rolling around in honey???
Of course you do. We all do. And I have proof. When I went away to Cancun the Spring Break of my junior year of college, I was overwhelmed (in a bad way) by how many guys were there. The ratio must've been 8:1, no joke. Tons of guys, my age, getting drunk and going insane just like they saw on TV... just like we saw on TV. It made perfect sense; like me, these guys grew up watching MTV Spring Break and wanted to participate first hand. Unfortunately, unlike me these guys were all huge and had bicep tattoos and probably got laid. But that's not the point. The point is, MTV influenced a generation of horny teenage guys to study just hard enough to go to college so they can one day hook up with a drunk MSU girl on a beach. They should definitely get some credit for this, or at least some sort of Spring Break Scholarship made up.
Sadly, watching MTV's Spring Break now, I don't know how many kids are going to be inspired to go away. "Oh, you mean if I go to Cancun on Spring Break I too can stand shoulder to shoulder with a bunch of shirtless guys and watch 3 girls try to find an index card in a pool of wax in :30 or less? Um, no thanks." Back in the day, the only way you'd see wax on MTV was if a topless girl was pouring it on a guy. Now, it's a prop in a "wacky" stunt. Another "wacky" stunt they had was a hot dog eating contest, which I think wanted to be hot, but in actuality was the farthest thing from it. *sigh* In the words of Noel Gallagher, where did it all go wrong?
Perhaps MTV is doing us a favor. Maybe they realized that they've turned Spring Break into a sausage fest, and now they're doing their part to make it seem unappealing and boring. Maybe. But probably not.
This can be fixed. MTV should stop producing "MTV's Spring Break" and start covering Spring Break again, like they used to. Please. Good things came out of it. Without MTV covering Spring Break we would have never been introduced to the Triple Kiss-- and I think we'd all agree that the world is a better place now for it.
p.s. quick note to the higher ups at MTV: please don't fire me. remember, i have viacom's best interest in mind. thank you.
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b at 4:27 PM
