a year on the lower east side
Well, it's pretty official: I'm moving to the lower east side. A place where we originally weren't looking but where I always knew we'd end up.
I'm very excited, obviously, because I'm finally making the move from Brooklyn into Manhattan. But my soon-to-be roommate Brian is even more excited because he's coming up from a place even farther away than Park Slope-- Washington DC. Brian's always loved New York, and he's looking forward to taking this crazy city by storm. It's fun walking around with him because everything blows him away. We can't walk a block without him saying things like, "I've seen more pretty girls here in five minutes than I did in 2 years in DC," and, "It's crazy how diverse this city is, isn't it?" It's cute.
Being that we're moving in a couple of weeks, I thought I'd look ahead and try to figure out what's going to happen our first year living on the Lower East Side. Here it is:
JUNEWe move into our place. Brian and I spend the first month getting situated in our new neighborhood. We immediately seek out the essentials, like finding the best pizzeria, the cheapest grocery store, and the best cup of coffee. I brag to anybody who will listen that the move has cut my commute in half. Brian, meanwhile, decides that since he's in New York he should do something crazy. One day he swings by "Krops & Bobbers" on Orchard and leaves with a brand new Faux-hawk.
JULYI still can't get over my short commute to work. I tell anybody who will listen that I've been more productive lately because of the extra 20 minutes of sleep per night that I've been getting. I swear that that extra 20 minutes really does make a difference. Brian starts smoking cigarettes again. He reasons that since we have such a great big deck it would be a shame if one of us didn't smoke. I can't argue that logic.
AUGUSTBrian and I start a band. Since he knows how to play guitar, he's the lead guitar player. Since I don't know how to play anything, I'm the drummer. We take turns singing. Our goal is to get a few songs together by the Fall in order to start playing coffee houses. We name the band "The Weeds." Oh yeah, I should probably mention that we have started smoking pot fairly regularly.
SEPTEMBERBrian starts spending a lot of his time with a guy named Dizzy. Brian and Dizzy met at Orchard Bar on a random Sunday night and bonded over a a mutual love of playing guitar and smoking pot. Dizzy's dreadlocks inspire Brian to not get another haircut until he too can be a white guy with dreads. Meanwhile, I use all my vacation days up before I decide that I will stop doing drugs at once. Since I am strong willed, I quit without a problem.
OCTOBERI come home one day to find that Brian has traded our TV for some turntables and a box of old records. He tells me that he thinks he's found his true calling, and promises to replace the TV in a couple of months when he's a rich and famous DJ. Not surpisingly, he loses interest in DJ'ing by the end of the month. I miss my TV.
NOVEMBERNow that I'm a month sober, I begin to resent Dizzy. He sleeps on our couch six out of seven nights a week and I'm not entirely sure he actually has a home. Brian and Dizzy do nothing but smoke weed and watch Owen Wilson movies on Brian's new laptop (which I'm not sure where he got the money to buy.) They are completely fascinated by Owen's nose, and engage in marathon discussions about whether it has helped or hurt his career. They usually pass out before they arrive at an answer.
DECEMBERAfter a long night of drinking with Dizzy, Brian breaks his nose. With a hammer. It doesn't help.
JANUARYBrian trades in his turntables for a German Sheppard named Adolph. Not surprisingly, the dog hates me. Also not surprisingly, Brian loses interest in the dog two weeks after bringing him home, forcing me to take care of it. I use my lunch breaks to rush home and walk Adolph even though Brian still doesn't have a job or anything to do during the day. My boss begins to notice that I've been "flaky" lately. I know I'm on thin ice. There is a bright side, though: Dizzy disappears. I never ask Brian what happened to him, and honestly I don't care.
FEBRUARYI spend the first two weeks of the month behind bars. It turns out that after trading in my TV, Brian hooked up illegal cable in our apartment for some reason. Since the cable was under my name, I take the fall. When I finally get out my girlfriend Christie breaks up with me. She says that she could never be with a guy who spent time in jail becuase they're not trustworthy. I try to convice her that it was really Brian's fault, but she cuts me off by saying, "You're a criminal. I don't believe a word you say." I'm devastated. To make matters worse, Adolph is dead because Brian forgot to feed him for two weeks. This affects me in ways I never thought it would. For the first time in my life I start smoking.
MARCHChristie and Brian start seeing each other. She declares that she likes him because he kind of looks like me but at least he's not a criminal. One day when I'm out on our deck smoking a cigarette I accidentally look into Brian's room to see them going at it. I put out my cigarette, run into the kitchen, grab a knife, and cut myself. It's the first time I've ever done this, but believe me, it won't be the last.
APRILI'm officially a cutter like Frankie from
The Real World: San Diego. Even though the weather is getting nicer I'm forced to wear long sleeves all the time. Brian on the other hand has a brand new wardrobe courtesy of his new steady girlfriend Christie. I avoid the apartment at all costs. One Tuesday afternoon, after calling in sick to work, who approaches me at the bar where I was drowning away my pain in alcohol? Dizzy. We catch up and eventually return to my apartment to smoke a bowl. I decide that Dizzy's not that bad of a guy.
MAYI lose my job. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get fired at VH1? Really hard. I spend the month of May drinking. One night Brian comes home and announces that he found God and that he's converting from Judaism to Christianity. He decorates the apartment with crucifixes and signs that read "2000 Years Ago A Carpenter Created The World." Immediately after converting he proposes to Christie and she accepts.
JUNEOur lease is up and I move back home. My mom welcomes me with open arms despite my debt, scars, and $200 a day cocaine habit. Brian renews the lease to the Lower East Side apartment, Christie moves in, and they waste no time converting my old room into an office. Dizzy also dies in June when he accidentally steps on the third rail trying to run from platform to platform at the 2nd Avenue F stop. Years later, Brian and Christie name their first born Dizzy. When I hear the news I cut myself... because it's the only way I can feel.
So there you have it. Move in day is just a couple of weeks away. Boy, I can hardly wait!
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b at 2:41 PM
