Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Ask Bob Anything: Part Tres. THE ANSWERS: Chapter 1
Why is your blog called 'My blog is Poop'? Will you please change the name of your blog? Please?
Anonymous

Anonymous, you have no idea. I really wish I could. Seriously. I named this thing My Blog is Poop because it was literally the first thing that popped into my head. I titled the page, then IM'd it to my friend Nelson who was sitting next to me to make him laugh. I had no idea I would end up getting stuck with it. But here I am. Poop. *Sigh*

It is my blessing, it is my curse.
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if your blog is poop, does it smell bad? and if so, how are you dealing with it?
bery larg balls

See what I mean?
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have you ever shaved your balls?
Rob Holmes

Yes, and I will never do it again. I'd really rather not go into the specifics of the story as it's an embarrassing one, but let's just say it ended with little bumps, paranoia, a doctor's visit, and the line, "No, it's not an STD. Now stop shaving your balls."
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Why didn't God make bacon healthy?
jeff

Because there's no way you could say that Jews are the chosen people if bacon was both tasty AND healthy. That would just be mean.
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Does Axel really make you feel welcome in the (his?) jungle?
Eric

How could you not feel welcome? I mean, they have fun and games. What more do you need? I mean granted, now you're gonna die, but depending on how great these fun and games are, well, that's a risk I just might be willing to take.

Now, on to a quick "Welcome to the Jungle" sidenote. This song is unarguably one of the best songs to drunkenly sing in a Japanese karaoke bar ever. If you disagree, well, then I don't think I want to be friends with you anymore. Crazy Mike, who I've mentioned in this blog several times, actually tore his ACL while performing "Welcome to the Jungle" because he jumped off a table and a friend of his jumped onto his back. This may be the first karaoke induced ACL injury in the history of sport. I'd say it's hilarious if it wasn't for the fact that now it's unlikely Crazy Mike will rush for 2,000 yards ever again. His promising NFL running back career is over, all thanks to Axl's fun and games. Nice job.
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if you suck your own dick are you gay?
Anonymous
You use your hand to masturbate, right? Does that make you gay?

Just don't swallow.
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You've been given the task to put together the world's ugliest band using alive or dead musicians.
Who would you choose?
Why are so many bass players so unattractive?
-Kate

First of all, Kate, I take offense to your bass player generalization. No, not because I actually play bass, but because whenever my friends and I lie to people and say we're a band I'm always the imaginary bass player. Except for one time in San Diego when I was in the bathroom and my friends told the waitress I was the keyboard player. I was so upset by that I didn't talk to them for an hour. I'm a fake bass player, dammit, not a fake keyboard player. There's a difference.

Okay, now to answer your question. My ugly band would go:

Guitar - Mick Mars, Motley Crue. The guy looks like death.
Guitar - CC Deville, Poison. The guy looks like death. Oh, I said that already? Well, he does too.
Bass - Scott Shriner, Weezer. The ugliest guy in a pretty ugly band. That says something.
Drums - Lars Ulrich, Metallica. We're just used to looking at him. When push comes to shove, he's really really ugly.
Lead Singer - Shane McGowan, The Pogues. Tough category. Shane narrowly edges out Lemmy from Motorhead and Janis Joplin.
Producer - Ric Ocasek. You can't make an all ugly team without including Ric.

Now, with that being said, I bet you this band would put out one hell of an album, or at least be really fun to see live... assuming you don't stare directly at the stage.
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Now that we've gone a whole season without hockey did anyone really care that it was gone? And don't say Canadians.
Some Canadian Dude

Hockey's back!!! Wooo!!! They reached an agreement!!! Hockey is back!!! YES!!! Look out world!!!! It's BACK!!!!

Did you buy that? Exactly. I think that answers your question.
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Have you ever been to the Midwest?
How do you think your life would be different if you lived in Des Moines or Lincoln?
Anonymous

I've never actually been to the midwest, but have looked out the window on a cross country flight and said, "Wow, people actually live here." Does that count?

But as far as how my life would be different being from the midwest, wow, where to begin? For starters, let's pick one of the two cities to set this in. I'm going with Lincoln, because I know it's in Nebraska, and if you gave me 2 or 3 guesses I could probably point to Nebraska on a map. So I live in Lincoln, Nebraska. Now, for the purpose of this exercise, let's say that I was born and raised there. That way I'm not a cynical New Yorker thinking I'm better than everybody and bitching about how I can't wait to get out of this "hellhole" and move back to NY. So now I'm a native Lincoln-er. So here we go.

Well, to start, since I'm 25 I'm probably married. My wife is a moderately attractive Midwestern blonde woman who put on a few pounds after our second kid, Hank, was born. I'm working at the Lincoln Gazette-- or a newspaper with a similar sounding name-- as a reporter. I mainly report about things going on in and around Lincoln, but I have my own humor column in the paper as well. It's called Bob Being Bob! and it features a humorous picture of me with my lips pressed firmly together and my arms folded giving a great "Why I Oughta..." face. In my column I talk about how ridiculous people outside Lincoln are. My most famous column (and by 'famous' I mean 'the one that the most people cut out and put on their refrigerators') was a piece I wrote in 2004 titled, "Paris, Stay Out of Lincoln!" where I begged Paris Hilton to keep her "not-so-simple life out of my town!" I became somewhat of a local celebrity for that. I'm such a cad!

Oh God, is it wrong that I don't want to stop writing? The possibilities are endless. Let's put this on hold, and I promise to come back eventually and go on about my life in Lincoln. The Oxycontin addiction alone makes revisiting this a must!
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let's just say you have a friend in the biggest slump of his professional life(a slump directly proportional to the hollywood box office slump in both severity and length) and you were out with said friend on let's say a thursday evening. if you began talking to two women, one of whom has a good body but obvious white trash and the other looks like a goblin. would you pull a brian or would you cut bait and try to help your friend find a slump buster?
anonymous

I think we went over this Pitty. Keep on truckin.
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now, why the hell am i attracted to really hot girls in real life but end up checking out really normal girl porn? is it the 'i could actually get this girl' thing? little help.
chadwicksaid

That's a good question. I don't think it's because of an "I could actually get this girl" thing, unless of course a hot pornstar once stopped what she was doing and turned to the camera to tell you to stop masturbating because you just weren't good enough. I think it's because-- get ready for this-- there's more of it. It's easier. The good stuff is harder to find, and/or more expensive, the amateur stuff is everywhere. If anything, this says more about your personality than if it was simply a "I can get this girl" thing. You take the easy way out. Try harder, in real life, and in porn. If you set the bar higher you'll be rewarded for it. Don't settle. Do it for me. Do it for yourself.

(Wow, I really think I just made a difference in that guy's life, don't you?
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If you could visit any planet, which one would you visit? What if you were a monkey, then which one?
Denver

Uranus!

Lolololololol! I am precious!
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does nyquil actually help a sore throat? I'm pretty sure only anti biotics can help a sore throat and you know, it's not good to start a dependency on something like nyquil if it's not going to take your pain away...
a girl!

Nyquil makes me sleep, and you can't feel a sore throat when you're asleep. And for the record, I've discovered that Nyquil also makes me more creative. I smell an addiction coming on, don't you??? Party time!
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Let's say President Bush went on television tonight and announced that there would be a vote held to re-institute black slavery.

The structure of the vote itself would be identical to that of a standard government election: To vote, you must be registered to your home state and the vote is completely anonymous.

What would the results be? How would you see the percentage breakdown? How would you vote? And if near-ratification was possible in your mind, what does that say about our society? For all the pop culture posturing, have we truly made any significant strides in race relations in our country?

Also, do you shave your ballz?
Dan

First of all, there is very little that Bush could do at this point that would surprise me, so I can easily picture him going on the air and announcing that he's going to bring back slavery. Couldn't you?

Needless to say I would vote against it. I mean, I have hundreds of black friends... okay, make that dozens of black friends... okay, 3 black friends... okay, there's like this one black guy I work with who every once in a while says "hi" to me... and I could not imagine a world with them (him) enslaved. It's an awful thought, even if I don't know the guy's full name.

I'd like to think that in the end the vote would go against slavery, but then again based on our recent voting history (read: our American Idol voting history) I'm no so sure which way it would go. Can African Americans vote too? If so, I'd like to think that the vote would go against the re-institution of slavery.

And as far as my ballz go, please, enough with the ballz.
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will season 2 laguna beach be even more addictive than season 1?
I'm not sure, but I can't wait to find out. I think it's going to be rough centering the show around Kristen. LC was genuinely likeable, but for some reason a lot of people can't stand Kristen (and when I say 'a lot of people' I mean 'girls'). I don't know if I'm going to buy Talan as a heartthrob, and I'm not sure they're going to be able to top last season's Cabo episode... but hey, even if it turns out to be awful, we're still talking about hot OC girls running around in bikinis. And what's more addictive than that?

what should i do about my friends that still refuse to believe that its real?
mia

Tell them I said so. And I shot a featurette for the DVD, so I MUST know the truth.
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Do you pronounce "pen" and "pin" differently?
Mimi

I do. I also pronounce "Aaron" and "Erin" differently, something that I've never heard a single person in the state of Maryland do correctly.
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1. What do you think of Jason Mraz?

I don't trust him.

2. What exactly is a "Holla back girl"? Are you one?
I don't think I am. Am I? Hmm. My shit is bananas. Huh. Shit, now I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight until I figure this out. Thanks a lot.

3. What would you do if you saw John Sencio on the street?
Follow him. Probably for a couple of blocks. I'll text everybody I know something like "Im bhind Sencio! Following him! Wow!" I'll debate saying something to him, but by the time I figure out what to say he'll be gone... off doing something awesome, I'm sure.

5. Is this a stupid question?
Um, have you read the other questions? No, you're cool.

6. What are you going to name your children?
Marisa Gesualdi

Well, I decided a long time ago that I am naming my son ThunderDick. Capital T, capital D. I'm perfectly cool with ThunderDick dropping the family name at the end so he won't have to be ThunderDick Castrone. Just ThunderDick. Sure, he'll be teased as a kid, but since I'm a good father, once he finishes up with puberty we'll move to a new town so he can be the hot new guy in school... named ThunderDick. I don't think he'll have any problem finding a prom date.

Oh, and I'm naming my daughter Herpes to keep guys away.
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Are you coming to my Blogday Party?
winneroftheSAT

See, this is what happens when I wait a week to answer these. I guess the answer is a retroactive "no." And actually, to be honest, I've never been to a 'blogday party' and I'm probably going to do all I can in my power to never go to a blogday party in my entire life. If I'm lucky. No offense, naturally. Hope you had a good one.
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What would you have Gallery of the absurd draw?
FurorScribendi

Billy Zabka standing in the Cobra Kai dojo. Only instead of his master standing alongside him, it's... Sencio. I'd pay upwards of $1,500 for a mural size paiting of that.
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who is mike jones?
m

My favorite rapper in history. Ever. He's a God.

But I'm not the one who should answer that question. Just call (281) 330-8004, hit Mike Jones up on the low because Mike Jones is about to blow.

Jesus, I'm white.

(Part II coming tomorrow...)
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b at 3:58 PM