Excuse me, can I bother you for a while?
Hi, I noticed you from across the bar talking to a few of your girlfriends. I was wondering if perhaps I could stand here and bother you for a few minutes. Do you mind?
Here, let me buy you a drink. It's the least I can do considering I intend on occupying the next 3-7 minutes of your life and filling it with a one-sided conversation and uncomfortable come-ons. So let me get that next cosmo for you. Sound good? Great.
Ha ha, got ya! Honey, you just made a huge mistake. Now that you're sipping a $9 drink paid for by yours truly, you are officially stuck with me until you finish it. It's practically illegal for you to do otherwise. If you turn around and blow me off now I'll be forced to tell everybody in the bar that you're a "stuck up bitch" and you wouldn't want that, would you? Of course not. It's a big drink too, so it looks like I just bought myself an addition 6 or 7 minutes of quality bothering time. Man, I'm excited!
Just a heads up, pretty early on into the bothering I'm going to ask you what you do. Believe it or not, that's one of the most crucial things when it comes to me bothering you. Oh, I don't care what it is. Fuck, you could be a high powered attorney or a sanitation worker who spends her day trudging through the shit filled sewers of New York, it doesn't make a lick of difference to me. The only thing that matters is that I have a witty response that I can pass off as spontaneous even though I've used it a thousand times before. It's actually not as hard as you would think.
"A teacher? Man, if I had teachers like you when I was in school I would have paid a lot more attention."
"Oh, you're in PR? Are you anything like Lizzie Grubman?"
"A lawyer? Don't sue me!"
Aren't I clever? Of course, right after you're done laughing I'm going to switch gears. By taking a breath, lowering my voice, and touching your elbow while I say, "But seriously, I think it's great. Teachers really don't get the respect they deserve" you're going to realize that I'm not only hilarious, but sensitive too. And that is totally what I need you to think so I can take you home to bone.
Wow, you're really plowing through that drink, aren't you?
I just want to let you know that so far it's been an absolute pleasure bothering you. You haven't used any of the common defenses, like, "Sorry, we're having a girls night," or, "Sorry, we're all married," to get me to leave you alone. Not that it would have made a difference. I'm the king of sticking around. Remember when you were 19 and went to dance clubs, and as you were dancing a guy would come up behind you and start grinding on your ass? So to get away, you and your girlfriend would hold hands and do the old switcheroo so the guy would get the hint. Well, I was the guy who wouldn't get the hint! I was the guy that would think, "Wow, it looks like the friend wants me all to herself! Score!" See, so you're really fighting a losing battle here.
Bad news. While you pulled one of your girlfriends over to start talking to her and in effect shut me out, I grabbed the waitress and ordered you BOTH drinks! Told you I'm the best. I know $19 is a lot to spend on two drinks plus tip for two girls that want nothing to do with you, but come on, it's only money. Speaking of money, what do you think of this watch? It was $2,000, but I figured, hey, I'm worth it. Besides, what's the point of making money if you're not going to enjoy it right? Ahh, I make a lot of money. I know you don't care, but saying it makes me feel better about myself, so please humor me for a second. Money money money money money. There, much better.
Oh, your girlfriends are making you leave? That's cool.
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
Where are we going???That's right bitch, I'm coming with! You think a little barhopping is going to defer me? Nigga please! It doesn't matter if you go next door or if you're hopping a cab to Astoria, I got nothing better to do. My Zog softball game isn't until 2 tomorrow, so I can stay up alllll night. And even if you don't put out for some reason, fine by me. That just means I'm just going to end up bothering some poor waitress at Brother Jimmys extra hard tomorrow after the game with all my Zog teammates. It's the circle of life.
Now you're not feeling well? Yeah, you did pound those drinks pretty fast, you must be wasted. Can I get your number? No? Fine. Here, let me give you mine. Call me anytime, I'd love to see you again and bother you some more. Seriously. Call me.
Now if you'll excuse me, it's getting late, and there are plenty of girls here left to bother. Maybe I'll find the love of my life tonight. Or, maybe I'll find a drunk college girl who will let me fingerbang her in the ladies room. Either or.
Goodnight tiger. Roar. (Call me).
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b at 11:10 AM
