myblogisPoop

Ask Bob Anything pt. 2

Well, due to absolutely no demand whatsoever, I decided that this week I'm going to open myself up to you, the readers, again.

(pretend you're excited, it'll make me feel better)

That's right, this week I'm going to open up my soul, my heart, and possibly my legs for another installment of Ask Bob Anything. The rules are simple: you can ask me anything. Want to write that down?

So go ahead and ask away. Assuming it wasn't asked in the first Ask -Bob- Anything, I will answer all questions posed. Like I said the first time, "Take advantage of this. If you're a friend of mine, this is the perfect opportunity to fuck with me. If you're a complete stranger, this is a good chance to learn more about the idiot whose blog you're reading. And if you're my sister, this is your chance to find out where I hid your Grease tape in 1991."

Either email me your questions, (Pregame2000@hotmail.com), IM me, or throw your question in the comments. They'll be answered on Friday.

So go for it. Let's see what you got.

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b at 6:58 PM

the doctor is back

If you're a reader of this blog, and more specifically a reader of the Comments, you've probably come across the one and the only DR.AWESOMEFUCK by now. Well, in light of recent tragedies the DR. has obviously been extremely busy as of late. But since he loves you, and since he loves being Awesome, he was still able to find the time to put together a little something. Enjoy.

PEOPLE KEEP ASKING, "WHERE'S DR.AWESOMEFUCK?" I'M RIGHT HERE, BITCHES!!!!! I GOT A LOT OF SHIT TO DO SO I'M NOT WRITING ON THIS KICKASS BLOG ALL THE TIME. I'M NOT A FUCKING WORDSMITH, YOU KNOW, I EXPRESS MYSELF THROUGH MY DOCTORING...

AND THROUGH MY FUCKING!!!!!!!!

BUT SINCE I KNOW I'VE BEEN MISSED, HERE'S ANOTHER KICKASS GUEST POST.

SINCE FUCKERS EVERYWHERE GET EXCITED ABOUT AWARDS, I FIGURED I'D GIVE OUT SOME 2004 AWESOME-AWARDS!!!!!! THEY'RE BETTER THAN OTHER SHITTY AWARDS BECAUSE THEY'RE AWESOME!!!!!!!!!! AND THE WINNERS ARE...

BEST FUCKING REALITY SHOW I WOULD WIN EASY
SURVIVOR.
IT'S THE FUCKING DUDES AGAINST THE LADIES, WITH ENOUGH HOT BITCHES AROUND TO KEEP THE DOCTOR HAPPY. HERE'S HOW I'D WIN. FIRST, I'D CHILL WITH THE DUDES FOR A FEW WEEKS AND TALK ABOUT NASCAR AND BUILD SOME FUCKING COTTAGES AND SHIT. THEN, WHEN WE MERGE, I'D FUCK ALL THE HOT BITCHES. THAT WOULD DEFINITELY GET ME ENOUGH VOTES TO STAY ON THE ISLAND BECAUSE I'M AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!! NOT LIKE I NEED MONEY (BECAUSE I AM A FUCKING DOCTOR AFTER ALL), BUT THAT'S AN EASY MIL FOR ME, BITCHES!
RUNNERS UP-PBA TOUR, ULTIMATE DODGEBALL, WORLD SERIES OF POKER

BIGGEST PUSSY IN A TV SERIES
THAT DOCTOR DUDE FROM "LOST". IT'S TOTAL BULLSHIT THAT WE'RE COLLEAGUES!!!! FIRST OFF, HE DIDN'T TAG JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT OR LACEY CHEBERT ON HIS OLD SHOW, AND NOW HE'S ON AN ISLAND WITH TWO HOT BITCHES AND HE ISN'T FUCKING THEM EITHER?!?!?! NOT AWESOME!!! IF DR.AWESOMEFUCK WAS ON THAT ISLAND INSTEAD OF THAT DUDE, I'D HAVE BOTH THOSE BITCHES FUCKING EACH OTHER FOR OUR FUCKING ENTERTAINMENT, THEN I'D STEP IN AND GO TO TOWN... FUCKING TOWN!!!
RUNNERS UP-THE DUDES ON 7TH HEAVEN, JAMIE KENNEDY, JIM ROME, THE LITTLE BROTHER KID FROM 8 SIMPLE RULES.

HOTTEST FAMOUS BITCH THAT I'VE FUCKED (IN THE LAST YEAR)
A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO I WAS OUT AT A FREE CONCERT WITH MY MAIN MAN EARL, AND WE HAPPEN TO NOTICE THESE FOUR FUCKING HOT BITCHES. EARL KEPT REAL QUIET WHILE HE WAS SIPPING HIS NATTY BO, BUT THEN OUT OF NOWHERE, HE SAYS TO ME, "I RECKON YOU SHOULD GO TALK TO THEM." EARL'S AWESOME!!!!!! SO I GO OVER AND WORK MY KNOWLEDGE ON THE LADIES AND IT TURNS OUT ONE OF THEM IS ZOOEY DESCHANEL!!!! SHE'S THAT HOTTIE FROM "ELF" (AND ALSO SOME DUMB TEEN FUCKING MOVIE I SAW ONCE.) SHE TOTALLY FELL FOR THE DOCTOR, SO I TOOK HER BACK TO MY PLACE TO GIVE HER A CHECK UP.* SHE WAS AWESOME!!!!!!! AND EARL GOT HIMSELF SOME TOO, WHICH IS AWESOME CAUSE EARL DOESN'T HOOK UP A WHOLE LOT.
RUNNERS UP-TARA REID. SHE MIGHT BE A LITTLE HOTTER THAN ZOOEY, BUT SHE WAS JUST TOO FUCKING EASY FOR A SMOOTH MOTHERFUCKER LIKE THE DOCTOR!!!!! ASHLEE SIMPSON, BUT I TURNED HER SORRY ASS DOWN. I WONDER IF I'LL BE ON HER BULLSHIT SHOW??? NOT AWESOME!!!!!

I KNOW YOU FUCKERS COMPLAIN IF I WRITE A LOT, SO I'M JUST GONNA END THIS SHIT NOW. I FUCKING WROTE AN AWESOME DISSERTATION IN AWESOMEFUCKING SCHOOL, SO THIS SHIT IS NOTHING. MAYBE I'LL BE BACK IN THE FUTURE WITH MORE AWESOME-AWARDS TO KEEP YOU FUCKERS ENTERTAINED. MAYBE I WON'T. MAYBE I'LL BE TOO BUSY FUCKING... ACTUALLY, I'LL DEFINITELY BE TOO BUSY FUCKING!!!! I'M AWESOME!!!!!!!

*note: by 'check up' the DR. totally means 'AWESOMEFUCK.' i apologize for any confusion. i'm awesome.

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b at 11:35 AM

things that always make me smile

- overdramatic couples fighting in front of bars
- really fat guys on elliptical machines
- 3 legged dogs
- midgets in rocking chairs
- tourists taking pictures with homeless people
- monkeys in diapers
- anti-semetic remarks made to me by people who don't know I'm Jewish
- overwhelmed and flustered waitresses
- porn dialoge
- genuine concern about a celebrity's well being
- emo kids who honestly think emo is good
- people who try to justify buying an mp3 player that isn't an ipod
- the guy on the subway obsessively staring at cleavage
- obsessively staring at cleavage
- tall guys who will wear a basketball jersey to a bar as a conversation piece
- Matty Goldberg
- morning zoo dj's when they're being "edgy"
- white guys who make a serious face when they listen to hip hop
- monkeys on rollerskates
- guys in vertical striped shirts getting angry because they're not on the list
- the person at a concert who's a little too into it
- pizza guys who know to let you put oregano on your slice before they bag it up
- monkeys riding 3 legged dogs

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b at 8:28 PM

45 minutes with VH1 Classic

While the internet was down today I figured I'd watch an hour's worth of music videos on VH1 Classic. Of course, it took me 15 minutes to run downstairs and grab lunch, so I had to limit myself to 45 minutes worth of Classic Goodness. Let me just say, I was not let down. At all. Here are the 10 videos I enjoyed.

George Michael "I Want Your Sex" - Within 6 seconds of the video being on, my officemate asked me, "Hey, when you were a kid did you think George Michael was gay?" I had to think about this for a while. Back when I was a kid and I watched music videos like "Faith" and "I Want Your Sex" I didn't know what gay was. Yet I feel that if somebody would've told me that there were men out there that had sex with other men, my immediate response would've been, "Oh... like George Michael?" Like, even if I didn't know, I knew. Does that make any sense? I'm not sure. Either way, great song and fun to sing along to, even if he was singing about some dude.

Ace of Base "The Sign" - Second video of the hour and already VH1 is straining the word "classic" pretty thin. This song, along with "All That She Wants" will forever remind me of going rollerskating at the Montvale Roller Rink on Friday nights in the seventh grade. I think I even asked a girl out once as "The Sign" was blasting in the background. Sadly, the sign said "Stop." (get it? she said no.)

Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine "1,2,3" - "Oh, I used to love this song when I was a kid!" Then, I spent the next three and a half minutes hoping nobody heard me say that.

Billy Joel "I Go To Extremes" - Since at one point in my life I was 14 and Jewish, I used to love Billy Joel. Of course, since everything to be said about Joel was said about Joel in "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs," I'm not going to even bother. Instead, I'm just going to declare that he wears some pretty bitchin' sunglasses in this video. That's it.

Lionel Richie "Hello" - JACKPOT! Best. Video. Ever. In case you haven't seen it, Lionel Richie plays a teacher that stalks one of his students who happens to blind. Now, if you ask me, that's just lazy. Who couldn't stalk a blind person? You don't even have to hide! But anyway, Lionel spends the entire video following her around and singing "Hellooooo.... Is it me you're looking for?" which is kind of fucked up if you think about it. If I did that to a blind girl people would call me 'evil' and say I was going to hell. "Hey, Blind Girl! Is it me you're looking for?" What's romantic about that? So Lionel stalks her for the entire video, and then, at the end, we get the best payoff ever. The blind girl happens to be an expert sculptor. She calls Lionel into the art room to show him the sculpture she's been working on and says, "This is how I see you." She rotates the bust around and there it is... Patrick Ewing. Seriously, the thing looks just like old #33, it's hilarious. Lionel then sings "Hellooooo" one last time and the video ends. The don't make videos like this anymore. A true classic.

Phil Collins "One More Night" - I was still coming down from "Hello" so I missed the entire thing. Phil Collins, by the way, divorced his wife by fax and married a 27 year old (line courtesy of South Park).

Three Dog Night "Joy To The World" - It was a live concert video, but it looked more like a high school assembly. Speaking of which, if anybody needs Three Dog Night to play their high school assembly, I'd imagine they'd be available. Assuming they're not dead, of course.

The Beach Boys "I Get Around" - Great song. Your mom gets around.

Cyndi Lauper "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" - Don't worry, this was the 80's version, not the ill advised early 00's comeback remix. Cyndi Lauper videos always make me a little uneasy. They have the same production values of Troma films. Throughout the song I kept on waiting for the Toxic Avenger to appear on screen and for two average girls to start making out. Never happened. Luckily, Captain Lou Albano was there to comfort me through the pain.

Toto "Africa" - Man, how much did the US love Africa back in the 80's? We were all about it back then, but sadly Africa went the way of cabbage patch kids and Billy Zabka. Poor Africa. I think it's just laying low for a bit though, and will totally stage a comeback in the 2010's. You'll see.

Following Toto, my internet magically started working again. And here I am, a better person for having watched 45 minutes of "Classic" videos. Thank you VH1. Thank you.

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b at 4:01 PM

adventures in sencio pt. 2

Another day, another unanswered IM to John Sencio.

buffoon 668: hey john, how goes it?
buffoon 668: with spring break coming up do you ever miss the old MTV days? you were always at your best best during those shows
buffoon 668: do you keep in touch with Kennedy?
buffoon 668: well, i guess you're really busy (as expected). Just wanted to say that I'm a big fan! KIT!
JSTVTRIBE signed off at 3:17:51 PM.

Sencio is avoiding me like Chris Hardwick avoided the gym post-Singled Out. ZINGER!!!

You can't hide forever Sencio. Sooner or later you're gonna cave. I'M AN OSCAR NOMINEE, DAMMIT!

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b at 3:15 PM

My First Oscar Nomination!!!

Okay, so I was only an intern on it, but still, this has to count. I mean my name was in the credits, so that means if it wins I get my very own Oscar, right? Right?

I mean, fine, I never actually SAW the movie, okay. And I only actually interned on it for a few months, but still. When I was still going to school in Maryland one of the AP's would send me emails and send me into the heart of scary Baltimore with my digital camera to take pictures of where Tupac grew up... I could've been killed. For putting my life on the line, I deserve an Oscar. Right?

Well, either way, from now on whenever I go somewhere I demand to be identified as an "Oscar Nominee." At least give me that, people. I sort of, kind of, but not really deserve it. I think.

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b at 1:35 PM

moving day

So today all of Best Week Ever moved from the 31st floor of our building to the 6th floor. Besides spilling coffee all over my keyboard within 5 minutes of entering my new office, everything has run fairly smoothly. Well, almost everything: My desk is slanted. Actually, now there's another thing; As I was typing that last sentence the ':' got stuck as a result of dried up coffee. Great.

But yes, my desk is slanted and it's driving me absolutely insane. I've already shoved 2 pieces of folded up cardboard and one 30 minute Beta case underneath the left side to even things out, but it's still slightly off. I've tried sitting at a slant, tilting the things on my desk to make them symmetrical, and good old fashioned denial ("It's not slanted anymore...nope. Everything is perfect.") but nothing is working. I may just have to set it on fire... pretend I didn't write that.

Anyway, it's nice to be back at work and conversing with human beings while sober again. I left my apartment a total of 4 times over the snowy weekend, two of which consisted of trips to a nearby bar. You know you're spending a little too much time at a bar when the bartender asks, "Do you want another?" and it's your first drink of the night. ...And he brings you exactly what you want.

I had some weekend Snow-Goals which sadly I did not accomplish. I didn't clean my apartment, I didn't watch any movies that I've been told I need to watch to function in society, and I didn't locate my old video tape of Beyonce saying that I'm "bootylicious." Yet the weekend wasn't a total failure. I grew a beard, I watched two episodes of Sex In The City On Demand, and I finally taught myself how to play Madden. That was a huge deal, as it marked my journey back into the world of videogames for the first time since Sega CD crushed my soul all those years ago. Let's hope things end a little more amicable this time around.

But anyway. I guess what I'm getting at is that I have NOTHING amusing to write today. Sure, I could've said that in the first paragraph and you wouldn't have been submitted to sentence after sentence of the boring mundane details about my weekend, but where's the fun in that? This morning, Elvis on the Z-100 Morning Zoo said that today was the Most Depressing Day of the Year according to some scientist, and yes, I just quoted Elvis from the Z-Morning Zoo. That has to say something about this post.

So let's just end this now, before I make enemies and earn my first piece of Hate Mail. Granted, I'm long, long overdue for Hate Mail, but still. I'd rather break my Hate Mail cherry for writing something about females or midgets and not waste it on boredom. I set the bar high, people. I set it high.

So that's that. It can only get better from here.

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b at 5:36 PM

my quick notes

I have a Motorola phone, and on my Motorola phone I have a little feature called Quick Notes. What are Quick Notes? Well, Quick Notes are pre-written text messages that you can send to your friends rather than writing them out yourself. You know, the mundane shit like "Be right there" and "Pick me up."

A while back I started erasing the Quick Notes that came with the phone and writing my own, all under the guise that these are messages that I've sent / plan on sending to somebody... it's something I'll do when I'm bored on the subway. Now, I don't write just anything-- I have a goal. If I'm ever to lose my phone, I want my Quick Notes to be so intriguing that whoever finds it HAS to meet me and return it. I know that it's unlikely that the person that finds my phone will go through my Quick Notes, but just in case he/she does... Here's what I have so far.

QUICK NOTES

1. I won't wear them either, but at least I'm smart enough to pull out.
2. I need that combination or I'm fucked!
3. Will you please just admit that you hate me because I'm Jewish?
4. Tomorrow works for me, but only if your fiance is definitely out of town.
5. Where are you?
6. Pre-op, post-op, whatever. I'll do just about anything.
7. Guess who has herpes? U do!
8. The world needs you. Never give up.
9. It's all lubed up and set on vibrate. Call me in exactly 3 minutes.
10. One is just bigger than the other, it's genetic.
11. Told you so. You can never trust a midget.
12. I'm sorry I called you a dyke.
13. He's lying. Nobody can hold their breath for that long.
14. Let's give "us" a chance. You know we're soulmates.
15. They're your tits, you pay.
16. The shit works.
17. Good plan, but where would we get all the shoelaces?
18. HOW COULD YOU NOT HAVE SAID HELLO??? IT'S TONY FUCKING DANZA!!!
19. You taste like a burger, I don't like you anymore.
20. I'm hiding it you know where. It's only mildly uncomfortable.
21. Yeah, it wore off at the worst possible time... whoops.
22. You didn't tell me he was in on this. This jeopardizes EVERYTHING!
23. Don't use my real name tonight, okay? Call me "Ronaldo." I'll explain later.
24. I can't even keep track of which kid goes with who. I'm no father of the year.
25. Just tell him you fell off your bike... he'll believe that.
26. Next time, you drive the van.
27. I never would have guessed you were so flexible. Thanks!
28. DON'T FORGET THE DUCT TAPE!
29. I'm sorry I called you a cunt.
30. I was only 1/2 kidding about our little plan.
31. Which one is treatable? Hepatitis B or C?
32. My balls still hurt.
33. If anybody asks, I was with you last night.
34. The safe word will be "pillow."
35. They are after me again, I know they are. Call for help.

So yes, those are really in my phone. I kind of want to lose it just so I can see the look on the person's face when they meet me.

Is that strange?

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b at 6:48 PM

Kelsey Grammer is a PRICK

This post was a long time coming...

If you know me, you know 2 things:

1. I have flat feet
2. I absolutely abhor Kelsey Grammer

I know most of you are probably thinking that 'abhor' is an awfully strong word to use. Others are probably wondering what 'abhor' means (hate, I think). Either way, I'm sticking by it. I hate Kelsey Grammer with a passion.

Now, I don't hate him because he's annoying. And I don't hate him because he's pretentious. And most importantly I don't hate him because of Down Periscope. No. I hate him for a much, much more personal reason: I hate him because Kelsey Grammer made fun of me on national television when I was 13 years old, and I will never forgive him for it.

Let's travel back in time, shall we, to 1993. Mrs. Doubtfire was killing at the box office, kids everywhere were going "insane in the membrane" thanks to Cyprus Hill, and Bob was an awkward 13 year-old kid with braces, pimples, and a voice that clearly indicated that his balls hadn't dropped yet. It was a much more innocent time here in America.

Now, as a kid growing up I watched a lot of TV. Tons of it. So when my mom came home one night and told us that she got tickets to attend the taping of a real live TV show, I was thrilled. It didn't even matter what show it was, I was going to be sitting in the audience of a live television talk show... how cool is that?

So what show did my mom get us tickets to? Donahue.

Wow.

Okay, so the big day arrives. We arrive at the studio that day only to discover that we were going to be attending a very special show with some very special guests. Rather than sit through a show about cheating husbands or infertile midgets, we were going to actually get to meet... the entire CAST OF FRASIER! YES! Now, Frasier was a brand new show at the time, and I had maybe seen an episode of it, but it didn't matter. I was going to be in the same room as real live celebrities! I was in heaven.

I take my seat and immediately I start thinking of a question to ask the cast of Frasier. Did I really care about the answer? Nope. Did I really want to be on TV? Absolutely. The show starts, and one by one the cast of Frasier make their way onto the stage to a rousing round of applause. Of course, the dog got the loudest ovation, which in retrospect I hope hurt Kelsey Grammer's tremendous ego. But anyway. About a half-hour into the taping of the show, Donahue announces that when they got back from the break he would be taking questions from the audience. I was ready.

Phil looks around the audience and asks, "Who has a question?" I quickly raise my hand. "Okay, when we get back we're going to go to you first," he says as he points to some overweight woman in the back, "And then we're going to you." AND HE POINTS TO ME! YES! It was really going to happen. I was really going to be on television! I couldn't believe it. I had my question all ready, and boy, was it a great one. When Phil came over to me I was going to ask David Hyde-Pierce-- he played Niles-- I was going to ask him about the show he was on a few months before Frasier called The Powers That Be. I believe my exact question was going to be, "What ever happened to that show The Powers That Be?" It was brilliant.

So the commercial break ends and Phil walks over to the overweight woman in the back. She stands up and asks her question. "Hi, this question is for David. David, I was big fan of your old show The Powers That Be. Whatever happened to that?"

You fat bitch.

David thanks the woman for remembering the show, and goes on to provide a rather humorous story about how The Powers That Be actually led to him getting the role of Niles Crane. Everybody was laughing, and the woman came off looking like a genius for citing the show.

I was in trouble.

Phil was on his way over to me to ask a question, and I had NOTHING. What was I going to do? I couldn't stand up and say, "Sorry Phil, the fatty in the back took my question... I'm on TV!!!" No. I had to think of something and I had to think of something fast. So Phil walks right over to me and the following interaction occurs:

PHIL: Yes, my good man.
13 YEAR-OLD BOB: Hi. My question is, I was wondering if anybody has any plans to make the jump onto the big screen?

Not bad, right? I mean, considering the circumstances it could've been much, much worse. So I'm standing there, waiting for a response, when Kelsey Grammer leans forward and replies...

KELSEY: Well, it's not like you can just JUMP onto the big screen!

...and the audience explodes into laugher
...and when he says 'JUMP' he makes a little jumping motion with his hands.
I look like a complete idiot. On television, the camera cuts back just in time to see me go from happy to mortified, as my smile quickly drops and an embarrassed look sweeps over my face. They cut back to Kelsey on stage and he's still making that fucking jumping motion with his hands and the audience is still laughing. I blew it. My first time on television, and I'm getting ridiculed by Kelsey Fucking Grammer. Humiliating. What made it even worse was when they went to another commercial and the cast all leaned in to talk one another, I notice Kelsey making that jumping motion AGAIN! He was still making fun of me!!!

Of course, my friends had a field day with this. "Hey Bob, do you have any plans on making the jump onto the big screen?" Or, "Well, you can't just *jump* onto the big screen," making that jumping movement with their hands over and over again. That's just what every 13 year-old guy needs; public humiliation.

Ever since that day, I have hated Kelsey Grammer. Every one of his Emmy wins was a punch to the stomach, while every one of his DWI's was a reason to celebrate. In a cruel twist of fate, I actually ended up working on VH1 Goes Inside: Frasier a year ago. Thankfully, it hardly ever aired, because thankfully, nobody cared about Frasier. When we interviewed Kelsey out in LA, my producer talked about bringing the Donahue tape with him and playing it for Kelsey to see what his reaction would be. In the end they forgot to do it, so I guess I'll never get an apology from the man who enjoys humiliating 13 year-old boys on national television. Oh well.

In an ideal world, someday I will get my revenge on Kelsey Grammer. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that I get to him first... before The Surreal Life does.

Bastard.

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b at 5:33 PM

11 Reasons Why New York City Should Be A State

So there's been a bill lying around for the past two years that proposes creating a commission to study whether the city should secede from New York state.

I say, why hire a commission when I'm a genius. I have 11 reasons why New York City should be its own state right here.

1. There are 2 Dakotas and only 1 New York. Does that sound right to you?
2. When you hear somebody use the expression "A New York state of mind," they're not referring to Plattsburg.
3. Most New Yorkers think New York City is the capitol of New York anyway, let's just make it easier for them. Albany shmalbany.
4. People in Binghamton wouldn't have to unnecessarily worry every time they hear that the terrorists want to blow up New York.
5. We could totally rub it into Puerto Rico that we became a state before they did.
6. There are 2 Carolinas and only 1 New York. Does that sound right to you?
7. Connecticut can finally be excluded from the Tri-State Area. Pricks.
8. Because it would bring us one step closer to trying to become our own country.
9. There are endless possibilities for what the State Flag could look like.
10. Hack Joke: The state bird? The middle finger!!!
11. There are 2 Montanas but only 1 New York. Does that sound right to you?

Finally, here's the plan I came up with. Westchester and beyond will officially become the state of "Upstate New York" since that's all that people refer to it as anyway. "New York" would consist of almost all of the 5 boroughs. Manhattan will be New York City, while New York State would consist The Bronx, Brooklyn, and Queens. Staten Island and Long Island will be donated to New Jersey... um, as a gift.

This will totally work. So, let's get this thing moving... I can use the tax cut. Oh, did I mention there'd be a tax cut? See, I told you I was a genius.

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b at 5:03 PM

brian blog

Brian Levin is a genius and one of the funniest people I know. Brian Levin has also started a blog.

If animals liked hank williams sr.
Here is my question. if one day it became apparrent that animals enjoyed music...nay..prefered some music to others...hank williams is on and they wag there tail and close their eyes...ace of base comes on and they whimper and try to run through the fence....if this happened to all animals on earth...cows, dogs, pigs, birds, fish, etc....if animals showed an emotional experience in response to music and different music artists...then...then...then........................would you...............
..still eat them? remember, that cow over there is digging hank....

Now don't get your hopes up. Knowing Brian, he's going to lose interest in this by the end of the week. But if he doesn't, this is going to have to be something you check out regularly. I mean, the guy used to walk around Towson University wearing nothing but a diaper and walking a poodle. How can you not respect that?

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b at 4:15 PM

My First Favorite Song of the Year

2005 is young, but already I have a song that I'm playing over and over again, much to the chagrin of my office mate.

Saul Williams - List of Demands

If you click the link you can download it for free from MTVU. No joke, I'll listen to it back to back to back, the whole time swinging my hands in the air and nodding my head and biting my lower lip. It's quite a sight.

I'm shocked how good this song is. When I went to the Coachella festival a few years ago Saul Williams was the first person I saw when I walked in. It was about noon and he was on the second stage, so it wasn't like we were expecting big things, but he was pretty bad. He was just standing there, yelling, ranting about something. Ex-Afro Brian turned to me and said, "Man. That guy has an AGENDA." So, from that moment on we simply referred to him as Saul Williams and The Agenda.

The man still has an agenda, but now he also has a song that makes me act like an idiot. So, Saul Williams and The Agenda, you're responsible for my first favorite song of 2k5. Congratulations. You win shit.

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b at 3:10 PM

Guess The Karo! Vol. 5

It's that time of month again... Guess The Karo! If you're a first timer and you want to understand why I don't like Aaron Karo, and why we play Guess The Karo every month, Click Here. If you're an old pro, you'll notice that we're doing it a little different this month. Rather than try to guess which jokes are mine and which are his, you're going to have to guess which one of the "hilarious" punchlines he deemed funny enough to include in his column, and which ones I wrote mocking him.

So best of luck. Make me proud.

(1) Does Bowflex give you bombs? I keep seeing these infomercials for Bowflex, and all the gourmet chicks using the machine have huge breasts.

a) Infomercials wouldn't dare stretch the truth, would they?
b) Why don't they just get it out of the way and call it Boobflex?
c) I mean, I'm all for exercising, but the last thing I need is bigger breasts.

(2) The most awkward moment in television has to be toward the end of the nightly news, right after the weather, when the sports guy, the weather guy, and the two anchors banter and kibitz with each other for like fifteen seconds about nothing. Never have more bad jokes been told or more people looked out of their element at one time.

a) I wonder if there's a communications class in college that teaches you this stuff.
b) All that hairspray must be going straight to their brains.
c) It's kind of like watching The View.

(3) In my old apartment, my life revolved around DVR (the Tivo-like system we have here in New York). Upon moving home, I discovered that not having DVR in the house exactly duplicates the symptoms of PMS.

a) Trying to watch all my shows live made me tense, irritable, and fatigued.
b) Well, minus the menstrual blood.
c) Whenever I miss a show I snap at whoever is closest to me and eat a pint of ice cream.

(4) Seeing my mom's glee, my now former roommate Brian got DVR for his parents. Brian's mom promptly called him up and asked him to how to tape an episode of "Lost" from two weeks ago.

a) Brian was like, "Mom, sorry to say it, but 'Lost' is 'Lost.'"
b) Brian was like, "Mom, stop being such a mom! You should know this!"
c) Brian was like, "Mom, it's DVR, not a time machine!"

As always, the answers are in the Comments Section. Fuck Me!

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b at 1:37 PM

i'll get you John Sencio, if it's the last thing I do

Ex-MTV VJ and current Bob obsession John Sencio signed on to AOL this morning at 11:26. In my ongoing attempt to make him a part of my life (I sent 3 emails to him inviting him to my birthday party... no reply) I decided to IM him.

buffoon 668: john... big fan
buffoon 668: sorry to bother you, i just wanted to introduce myself and say 'hi'
JSTVTRIBE signed off at 11:30:57 AM.

You can't hide from me Sencio... you will be mine. Oh yes. You will be mine.

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b at 11:29 AM

what a week

i am exhausted. i would go into it in detail, but

a) i don't think i'd be able to find the words, and
b) you probably wouldn't believe me anyway.

Out of nowhere I ended up having an amazing week that I'll never forget... unless, of course, my brain shuts off from a combined 10 hours of sleep, which is very possible.

So I'm calling it a night and going home to my comfortable-but-falling apart couch and watching The Trailer Park Boys Season 1 DVD until I pass out.

This weekend is sure to be interesting, as I am performing Stand-Up tomorrow night in front of my Mom and 8 of her friends who have known me since I was a toddler. I'm already scared. I'll have all of the traumatizing details on Monday.

Have a good one.

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b at 5:46 PM

I'm A Marlboro Man

Marlboro is my best friend.

Now, I realize that that's a strange statement to make considering I'm not a smoker, never have been a smoker, and probably never will be a smoker. Sure, in the past I've had the occasional cigarette after a few drinks, but that doesn't happen much anymore because of the smoking ban. I don't know a single real smoker that has quit smoking as a result of New York's smoking ban, yet I'll be damned if I'm going to put my drink down and go stand outside in the cold to smoke a cigarette. Thanks for saving my life Mr. Bloomberg... kind of... sort of... okay, not really.

But I still love Marlboro. Why? Well, about a year and a half ago I went to a party at some bar on the Upper East Side where Marlboro happened to have a few representatives giving out free stuff. One of their people came over to me and flashed a fancy Zippo lighter in my face and told me if I took a quick survey the lighter was all mine. I figured I could use a cool lighter, so I went ahead with it. Now, in college I was the king of fake-signing up for credit cards to get free T-shirts, so I figured this wouldn't be much different. After lying about a few things the representative asked to see my license. When I handed it over they swiped it on some fancy portable computer, pressed a couple of buttons, and bam! the lighter was all mine. And that was that.

Well, ever since then Marlboro has sent me so much free shit in the mail that it almost makes me want to start smoking. A few months ago they sent me a Marlboro cookbook, containing barbeque tips and advice on how to make a steak. Shortly after that I got a Marlboro CD consisting mostly of bands I never heard of and The Divorce. Next I got a little pouch to throw my cigarettes in after I was done smoking them (instead of littering). Then, right before Christmas, they sent me a gift card worth $25! Twenty-five bucks, free, for doing absolutely nothing! It could've been $50 if I had 100 Marlboro miles, but naturally I did not. Oh well, I'll still take it.

They've also sent me tons of coupons for a couple of dollars off packs of cigarettes. In order to feel good about myself (and make smokers angry) I immediately tear these up and throw them out. I have no desire to make it any easier or less expensive for smokers to smoke. And I'm not sorry. So there.

But back to the gifts. Last week I opened up my mailbox to find that Marlboro had sent me a pack of cool playing cards, with a little note that read "Happy Birthday." That's when it dawned on me-- Marlboro is a better friend than most people I know. I mean, a bunch of old friends never contacted me to wish me a happy birthday... Marlboro did. I don't know a single person that would send me $25 for no reason... Marlboro did.

Marlboro is my best friend, and I'm perfectly cool with that.

Now, don't tell Marlboro this, but I have a plan. I figure that since they're sending me all this free stuff and I'm not reciprocating by smoking Marlboros that sooner or later I'm going to bankrupt them. Yep. I've been trying to figure out the math, but I figure if I keep receiving things and not giving them anything in return eventually I'm going to run that company dry. I mean, they're a tobacco company, there's no way they can stay in business if they keep giving me all this free stuff. I can't wait until I single handedly bring them down.

Sure, I'll be a little bit sad because they're my best friend and all, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Hopefully Marlboro will understand-- it's not them, it's me.

Be good, Marlboro man. Be good.

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b at 6:23 PM

Axe Me A Question

Does anybody remember the Onion headline: Black Neighborhood Terrorized By Ask Murderer? Probably the funniest one since T-Ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game At Special Olympics. God, I love the Onion.

But that's not important. Last night we went to the Axe party that I mentioned yesterday. Christie did an amazing job describing it, so I'm just going to leave it to her.

1) There was a mechanical bull....that was in the shape of the phallic bottle of axe deodorant.
2) There were paid dancers in Victoria Secret's lingerie dancing around
the whole night who would randomly spray AXE all over themselves
throughout the night and then moan...always entertaining....yes.

A few pictures, and the rest of the list, here...

But since I'm taking the easy way out and not writing about last night, I'll be sure to write something original in a bit. I promise.

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b at 1:03 PM

Tonight, tonight

Back in July I went to a party for Axe Body Spray and I wrote all about it. Check it out. Well, tonight I'm going to another Axe party. Will I once again run into a Towson celebrity? Will I once again mistake one of the Osbourne kids for a waiter and try to hand them my drink? Will I once again punch somebody in the balls?

Details tomorrow, assuming I'm still alive.

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b at 4:55 PM

a quick note on 24

No, seriously, I love '24.' Sorry to anybody who thought I was being sarcastic... I thought those were all great reasons to love a show. If the OC had some Blind Patriotism I'd probably love that show too. I'm a simple man.

-b

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b at 10:54 AM

24 Reasons I Love 24

I don't get excited about TV shows often (which is kind of ironic), but I absolutely love 24. It's amazing. So amazing, I listed 24 reasons I love this show now that we're already 4 episodes deep into the new season. Here they are.

1. Jack Bauer is the fucking man. Keifer Sutherland must've never lost his voice in his entire life, the man barely speaks above a whisper. The Jack Bauer character is just amazing, though. The man constantly goes through shit and he constantly defies authority in order to do what he thinks is right. And he's always right.
2. The President of the United States is the dad from Unhappily Ever After. This is great, but it doesn't top the fact that Pedro Cyranno from Major League was the President before him.
3. Chloe's weight loss. Chloe was one of the most annoying characters in TV history last season because you were never sure what her intentions were. Once you realized that she was just a fucking weird-o, she became endearing. Now she's still endearing, and after binging and purging during the offseason has a tight little body to boot. To quote my friend Dan, "She's looking frisky... like an alley cat."
4. No show has ever had more innocent victims of violent crime. Last season made me nervous to go to hotels, and by the end of this season I may no longer leave my apartment.
5. They're not afraid to make you hate Muslims. Last season, you could tell that they made a conscious effort not to depict Muslims as terrorists. After 4 episodes this year, not only are all the terrorists Muslims, but they actually have a Muslim family carrying out terrorist acts too. You know every Middle Eastern middle school kid in the country watched the first episode like, "... Aw, Fuck."
6. Blind Patriotism. Where else can you see The Secretary of Defense take out 3 terrorists with a wrench and an AK-47? Not Iraq, I'll tell you that much.
7. Elisha Cuthbert is gone. I don't think she could've maintained her "hottest girl on the planet that I'd kill to be with" status if I had to put up with her Kim Bauer character for one more season.
8. They've already made a reference to Chase. Hopefully this will lead to a cameo so we can check out his new mechanical hand (or hook).
9. CTU looks like the bat cave. How could they work so efficiently in the dark like that? I'd take constant naps.
10. The hacker kid looks like Trey Parker in Cannibal! The Musical. I keep waiting for him to break into "When I Was On Top Of You."
11. Back to Chase-- Jack Bauer chopped the hand off his daughter's future husband and didn't fucking think twice about it. He's so the fucking man.
12. To this day, all henchman are tricked by the whole 'fake a heart attack, get them to unlock the cell' trick. Good to know that this still works.
13. Attention to detail. They made sure that the teenage Turkish kid had a uni-brow. You can't overlook something like that if you truly want to be authentic, and they didn't.
14 - 18. The new characters. You have The Hot One, The Smart Black One, The Sexy Black One, The Doofy Fat Guy, and The Cunt Boss. I'm intrigued by all of them.
19. Like, an hour on the show is an hour in real life. I think they call that "Real Time" or something.
20. 24 Reasons are a lot of reasons to give. I kind of wish I aimed a little lower.
21. Every time they show what time it is my eyes immediately drop down to the VCR clock to see if they synch up. It's always a couple of minutes off, but I'm sure you do the same thing so you already knew that.
22. The girl who played Debbie was hot. Apparently she was the pop star chick from Entourage. She had that hot Winnie Cooper thing going on where her face was way too small for her head. I'm gonna miss her.
23. The promos for Johnny Zero. The show looks hilarious. I only wish they would've waited another year or two to make it so they could've actually gotten the real Vin Diesel to star in it instead of the guy playing Vin Diesel.
24. Because I like numbers.

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b at 4:27 PM

its all about the perks

I have nothing left to live for.

It's true and it's unfair. When you're a kid you have so many substantial birthdays to look forward to. So many milestones. So many rewards just for making it to a specific age. Depending on what state you live in, around the age of 16 you get your drivers license. At 18 you finally earn the right to vote, and more importantly, the right to buy cigarettes and porn. At 19 you can start drinking legally in Canada. Next up is the big one, 21, when you can start drinking legally here in the states. Finally, at 25, you get to rent a car. And then that's it.

After you turn 25 there's really nothing left to live for. Sure, if you're a rich white guy you're technically eligible to run for president at 35, but that doesn't affect everybody. And yeah, I guess there are senior citizen discounts when you hit 55, but those are always pretty weak. There's nothing that rivals legal drinking and legitimate phone sex. What are we to do? What is there to motivate me to live another 5, 10, 20 years? There's nothing.

Since I turned 25 on Friday, this has really been bothering me. So last night after an intense brainstorming session with a friend, we came up with some more ideas for important birthday milestones. For some of these, the government has to step up and help us out, while others are more of societal agreements that we should accept and pass on to our kids. I think that all of these are plausible, and together we should go forth and nail them down. Because we all need a reason to live, right?

So here they are.

30 - Fuck A Friend. When you hit the big 3-0 you get to have No-Strings-Attached Sex with one of your good friends. Ideally, a friend that you've never had sex with before. This is sure to ease the pain of turning 30, and it will finally erase the sexual tension you have with an old pal. As a society we're gonna have to agree on this-- a one time thing amongst friends.

33 - Free Light Beer. At 33, a dozen years after our last alcohol-related reward, we are rewarded with booze once again. All domestic light beer-- Miller Light, Bud Light, Coors Light, etc.-- will be free from now on. Of course, this only applies at bars, and you have to prove you're 33 by showing your ID (which should provide a bit of an ego boost, since you probably haven't been legitimately ID'd in about 8 years). The reason this can only work at a bar is if we were able to take free cases of light beer from stores it is inevitable that the South would run out of Busch Light in 3 to 5 months.

35 - Vote In Foreign Elections. By the time you're 35 you pretty much know what's going on the world. But hey, even if you don't, that shouldn't stop you. At 35 you get the option of choosing a country and voting in their elections. Not only will this be kind of fun, it's also a great way to make the world hate us a little more. I couldn't think of a better way to show the Iraqis that we're serious about democracy than voting in their elections for them. Burnnnn.

42 - One (1) Free Pedicure. On your 42nd birthday the government will issue you one (1) gift certificate to a local beauty parlor for a free pedicure. Why? Why not? Hell, I'll probably go my whole life without getting a pedicure... unless, of course, I'm 42 and it's on the government's dime. It's a nice little treat.

50 - You Can Litter. Yes, it will still be frowned upon, but once you hit 50 you're allowed to litter without getting a ticket.

65 - Social Security. Maybe. We'll see about that.

66 - Women Can Finally Vote. I know this is controversial and crazy, but I think women should be allowed to vote when they turn 66. I mean, it's unfair that women in this country still don't have the right, and I think if we give them an additional 48 years to study up on the subject, by the time they're 66 they should be capable of making a good decision. Hey, call me a progressive liberal, but that's just what I think.

70 - You Can Be Openly Racist. When you hear a kid say something racist it breaks your heart and twists your stomach. When you hear an old person do it, it's almost kind of cute. So, when you turn 70 you can start saying stupid, irrational racist things and it will be more endearing than grotesque. Of course, you can't say racist things around children unless you preface it with "I'm old and I don't know what I'm talking about..."

85 - Murder. This is the big one-- the reason to live 8 and 1/2 decades. At 85 you're allowed to murder one person. Why? Well, because if you're alive that long you should be able to break one of the 10 Commandments, and well, we think adultery is just wrong.
Now, since we are a country of laws and regulations, you can't just go out and kill somebody when you turn 85. You have to file the paperwork and get the government to review your case and approve. There are 2 stipulations: (a) You have to have a personal vendetta against the person; and (b) The person you want to murder has to be 85 or older. Because if you really want to kill somebody after 85 years, that person probably deserves to be dead. Of course, as paperwork tends to go, it will take 6-8 years for everything to clear, so chances are at least one of you will be dead by the time the Murder is approved. But assuming you both live into your nineties... Well, happy birthday, Grandpa.

We need more perks in life. We deserve it. We deserve more rights and fewer responsibilities. When you're celebrating a birthday, all you're celebrating is not dying for 365 days... can't we do better than that?

I think we can. I think we can, and I hope you agree with that, and most importantly, I hope you still want to be my friend after reading this.

Why?

So I can fuck you when I'm 30. Duh.

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b at 4:08 PM

ow.

bob is an alcoholic machine. two shots in two minutes. and not pussy shots either. it was a pleasure. happy bday.
holmes

And this guy is a ROCK STAR! That has to count for something. Sadly, I only remember doing one.

Real update on the way, when the 2 day long headache subsides.

update:

IM conversation with my "friend" Mark.
Aura301: do you remember me shoving 2 shots of jaeger and 2 rum and cokes down your throat
Aura301: all at once
buffoon 668: no
Aura301: ah
buffoon 668: i remember doing 1 shot of jaeger
Aura301: we did 2 my friend
buffoon 668: wow

I'm not bragging kids, I'm merely just trying to remember everything. I'm learning.

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b at 1:08 PM

where the party people at?

So do you guys miss me yet? I promise things will be back to normal next week-- daily updates, some of which are actually entertaining, or your money back.

But in the meantime, try this on for size:

Bob's 25th Birthday Party
Saturday, January 8th. 2K5.
10pm @ Niagra (7th & A)

We'll be drinking downstairs, or getting naked in the Photo Booth. Either way, it's sure to be a good time.

When you walk in, make sure you say that you're there for the "Poop Party." Now, the bouncer will probably look at you like he has no clue what you're talking about. That's when you make a face as if you're constipated and trying to squeeze one out. When you do this, he'll give you a nod and direct you to the back. That's the code that the bar came up with. Make sure you don't forget, or you probably won't be allowed inside.

So I think it's going to be a good time. Don't forget, it's also my roommate Eric's birthday, as well as Crazy Mike's. Make sure you say Hi. Eric will be the tall one that looks like former Duke superstar Mike Dunleavy Jr., and Crazy Mike will probably be humping something.

And in case you need to identify me, that's gonna be easy. I'll be the naked guy in the photo booth. Naturally.

See ya there.

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b at 1:46 PM

i'm a terrible influence

So it's my last night in Arizona, and how did I spend it? Teaching my little cousin all the intricate details of the drinking game "Asshole."

"Now remember, if you're the president 3 times in a row you get to make a rule. Make sure you take complete advantage of this power, because nobody can argue with the president. This is your opportunity to give people evil nicknames, make people drink excessively, or make girls remove articles of clothing. Anything goes. Just make sure you're punishing the Asshole too, because the Asshole deserves to be punished because they're the Asshole. Are you getting this?"

We practiced for about an hour, drinking several beers in the process. I repeatedly told him, "If I can give you and your friends the gift of Asshole, I'll feel as if I've done something positive to your life." I mean, I'm sure I'd already left a lasting impact. A couple of days ago he overheard me use the expression "the shocker" on the phone, so naturally I had to explain it to him. (yes, i rhymed 'pink' and 'stink' in the process... what, how would you explain it?) His exact response: "Wow... that's... shocking."

So, hanging out in Arizona for a week with my aunt, uncle, and cousin has apparently turned me into a frat boy. I haven't spoken to anyone between the ages of 19 and 44 in 7 days, and all my cousin and I have talked about is drinking, college, and girls. I've given him such scholarly advice as: "Make a move on your cute friend when you're both drunk. If she turns you down, make sure you call her the next day and don't act weird. She'll remember that, and in the future she might be a little more open to fooling around because she knows you guys are cool." Great, cousin-ly advice, if you ask me.

But tomorrow I'm getting on a plane and heading back East. After all, I turn 25 on friday and there happens to be a party in the works for Saturday. I'll give everybody the details when I get home.

Before I go, though, I'll answer the question that I know has been on everybody's minds:

Yes, the Smash Mouth concert was fucking awesome.

You're welcome.

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b at 1:39 AM