myblogisPoop

why am i angry/upset?

find out tonight. late night post... i apologize. it's a big week.

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b at 5:57 PM

shotgun, bang, what's up with that thang?

Every once in a while I write about something extremely important. Today is one of those days.

If I asked you "what's the most important thing to a guy between the ages of 16-18?" you'd probably guess something like "sex." Or "girls." Or "the economy." Well, you'd probably be surprised to learn that it's none of the above. The most important thing to a teenage guy, hands down, is sitting shotgun in the car.

Now I know you're probably thinking, "Bob, there's no way that teenage guys care about riding shotgun more than they care about sex! And furthermore, damn you're good looking!" Well people, they do. (And yes people, I am. Thank you.) From 16 to 18 I saw more guys get into fist fights over who sat in the front seat of my 1989 Buick LeSabre that I did over any of the girls in my high school, and that's a FACT. The reason for this is simple: shotgun is worth fighting for, high school girls are not. (Well, now that we're 25 they are, but at the time they weren't.)

Sitting shotgun is about more than just comfort, it's about power. You get to control the radio. You get to control the climate. You get to adjust everything to your liking while the plebians in the back are stuck with their stiff immovable seats and awkward seat belts. Sitting shotgun, you get all the amenities the driver gets with NONE of the responsibility. Except for making sure you're not listening to commercials on the radio the whole time. That's it.

Since riding shotgun was so important to my friends and I in high school, we had rules. And not just any rules, but all encompassing extremely detailed rules to make sure we were never in the dark over who would be sitting shotgun in any particular situation.

Inside to Outside: All passengers must wait until the driver steps out of the building before calling shotgun. This ensures that one passenger won't run outside ahead of the others for the sole purpose of stealing gun.

Outside to Outside: The car must be in plain view. The driver has final say over whether or not the person calling gun is full of shit or not.

Getting Somewhere, Leaving the Car, Finding Out the Place is Closed and Heading Back: The person in gun retains gun.

Furthermore, we had an entire system to make sure that the same person didn't get Gun all the time. Upon the first trip, everyone who was getting in the car calls gun. However, when it was time for another ride the person who was seated in gun has to call, "Unprecedented Double Gun." If he was able to get that out before any of the other guys called "Gun," he earned back-to-back trips in Gun, as well as our praise and congratulations. Notice I used the words "he" and "guys." That's because girls never have, and never will, understand the importance of sitting shotgun. I really don't get women sometimes.

No bitch. Now, that was the big X factor in all Gun calling. When you called "no bitch" you officially saved yourself from sitting in the middle. Or, as Brian Regan would say, "Back seat, middle, feet on the hump." There's nothing worse than sitting bitch, especially on long trips. No windows. No leaning. Your fat friend's fat arms pressing up against your sides. It's the worst. So, one option when you were rolling 5 deep was immediately calling "No bitch!" when you stepped outside. Sure, you weren't going for the glory of Gun, but at least you knew you weren't going to be stuck in the middle (and the most likely to die in the event of a fiery car crash). You could never respect the people that called "No Bitch" right off the bat, though. They're like the guy at the bar that's working hard on the homely girl instead of trying his luck with hot girl: yeah, he's going to get what he wants, but he's not going to be nearly as happy when he gets there.

Nowadays, living in NY, shotgun is the absolute WORST thing that can happen to you. Nobody wants gun in a cab. Nobody. Sure, it's fun to talk to cab drivers for a few minutes to get advice on love and stuff (um, if you've never asked a cab driver for advice on love, START NOW. trust me on this one), but the whole time you're up there you're going to be peering over your shoulder and trying to talk to your friends through the dirty bullet-proof window. And inevitably, one of them is going to do the bit where they close the glass and pretend they don't hear you anyway, so it's not even worth trying in the first place.

So like so many things in high school, Shotgun doesn't seem nearly as important now as it did then. Kind of like girls. And sex. And the economy. I guess we've just all grown up. Boo.

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b at 4:16 PM

too hungover...

Last night was a great time, but I'm a little bit too hungover and tired today. So here's my question for you: When you pull Ultimate Wingman duty for your roommate until 4:30 in the morning, you help him get his girl to a bar 2 blocks away from your apartment, and he STILL doesn't get the job done, how should he repay you? I feel like I deserve compensation. When he didn't hook up, I felt like I didn't hook up because I put so much into it for him. He gave me total blue balls, and I think he owes me for this. Don't you?

Anyway, tomorrow I'll return to my normal self. I promise. In the meantime, check out Dan's post about the Barry Bonds press conference. Pure genius.

Craaaazy.

Needless to say, these are the 28 worst days of the sports year. And that's why my ride home from work was so special yesterday. If the battery on my iPod hadn't had kicked an hour earlier, I may have never have heard it. But the stars were aligned. A feast of entertainment was about to poured out upon me.

The date was February 22, 2005. Or, as it will be known from this day forward, The Day Barry Bonds Was Proven Insane.

Till tomorrow...

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b at 4:27 PM

Ritalin Readings

Bob Castrone is 25 years old. He works for VH1's Best Week Ever, performs at comedy clubs all over New York City, and has no living children.

So I was invited to participate in Lindsay's Ritalin Readings. I'm sure you've seen this on the web by now, but it's tonight at 8 at Pianos.

So I'm not going to write anything here. Jesus has only provided me with a limited amount of funny in life, and I wouldn't want to waste anything before I got on stage tonight. Sorry, but that's what He would want.

Come by. It should be a good time, and I promise to be moderately entertaining. Or your money back.

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b at 5:14 PM

why NY needs the olympics

1. Because we need more tourists. Have you ever walked through Times Square, it's like a ghost town. And Olive Garden needs the business.
2. Gymnasts. Everywhere.
3. It's too much work for the terrorists to attack New York AND the Olympics, let's throw them a bone for once.
4. Without the Olympics, where will New Yorkers turn to watch sports? The Yankees and the Mets? Pssshh, yeah right.
5. Because athletes from European countries are going to INSIST on having the games somewhere where smoking isn't allowed, because Europeans hate cigarettes.
6. Because pictures like the one above don't phase us.
7. If the IOC forces us to rebuild Madison Square Garden, we'd have a brand new place to watch the Knicks and the Rangers suck.
8. Because if we drop out and let another country have them it would make us more endearing to the rest of the world. And that would be totally gay.
9. So we can finally show off our brand new second avenue subway line, assuming we're awarded the 2036 Games .
10. Because we haven't been inconvenienced since the Republican National Convention, and that was like way back in the summer of 2004.
11. The Olympics in New York would definitely inspire P. Diddy to do something stupid, like try out for the decathlon.
12. Because I need one more reason to move to LA.

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b at 6:12 PM

happy president's day

During a meeting with French President Jacques Chirac in Brussels, Bush was asked by reporter whether he would invite the Frenchman to his ranch in Crawford, Texas. Bush, who only invites his favorite world leaders to the ranch, smiled and said: 'I'm looking for a good cowboy'...

Well, I thought I could help...

Happy president's day, buddy. I hope you enjoy your special day with your 'good cowboy.'

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b at 4:08 PM

my top 6 strip club moments -- #1

You know, I'm really not a strip club guy. I just think that I'm the only person who leaves these places saying 'I can't wait to tell everybody what happened' rather than, 'I really hope nobody finds out what happened.' Here's my #1 story...

1. Show and Tell
On the eve of our Junior year of college, my roommate Alan and I decided to go up to his hometown of Philadelphia to grab a few things for our new apartment. Since classes didn't start for another week, and most of our friends hadn't made their way back to Towson for the new semester yet, we decided we might as well stay over night. That proved to be a good idea.

When we got to Philly we immediately met up with Alan's best friend, Ed. Now, Ed was a scary guy until you got to know him. He was 6'4", goateed, wore gold chains, and looked like he was ready to beat the shit out of anybody who got in his way at any given time. Actually, on this night he was celebrating one of his last nights of freedom because he was all signed up and ready to go to boot camp. So that should give you an idea about Ed; the guy was just a beast. A teddy bear deep down, of course, but a beast.

Alan and Ed decide since Ed's going away, and since this was my first time in Philly with them, that we had to go to their favorite strip club, Show and Tell. Sure, why not?

Okay, so we get to Show and Tell and the place is just bizarre. It was more like a theme park than a strip club. When you walk in you're led through a store that sells DVDs & toys, then you walk by the video booths, then the "private rooms" that you have to pay $$ just to find out what goes on inside, and then finally to the stage in the back. As we're being led to the back, we're informed that there will be a "2 Girl Show" on stage at midnight. That didn't sound like a bad thing.

By the time the clock hit 12 the place was packed. Just filled with drunk dudes as far as the eye could see. All different kinds of drunk dudes, too. You had your classic mustached guys in their 40's, your frat-boy's from the local colleges, your high school drop outs that work in the service industry, and every type of strip-club guy in between. Alan, Ed, and I make our way towards the stage to find a good spot to watch the show. The two girls come out and they're both pretty hot. They start kissing and all the guys go nuts. Guys are just throwing dollar bills up on stage with reckless abandon. As the show goes on, the girls start... well, let's just say that they naturally progressed from kissing to other things. Yeah, let's just say that.

Now, what was going on on-stage was cool, however what was going on off stage was even better. Watching all the guys freak out over these two girls was absolutely hysterical. They were showering the girls with crumpled up dollar bills, all the while hooting and hollering like extras in a bad after school special about the evils of strip clubs and beer. The best thing about the yelling, though, was the way they would do it. One loudmouth would yell a request, then everybody would cheer in approval.

guy 1: GO DOWN ON HER! crowd: YAAHHHHHHH!
guy 2: BEND HER OVER! crowd: YAAHHHHHHH!

That's the G-rated version. In reality, each request was dirtier than the one before. It was like they were playing a game of Strip Club MadLibs. guy: "STICK ______ IN HER _____!!! crowd: YAAHHHHH!

Now, I'm cracking up at this, so I decide that it's time for me to yell something too. How could I not? I decide what I'm going to say, and just as I'm about to yell it I start to laugh and hardly get it out. In fact, nobody hears me. Nobody but Ed. Ed looks down at me, smiles, and nods his head as if to say "Don't worry, I got it." He looks back up, and just as one of the girls is about to do something kind of dirty to the other, Ed yells:

HEY! PUNCH HER IN THE FACE!

And there was silence. The girls actually stopped what they were doing and looked up into the crowd. It was probably only a second, but it felt much longer. Then, out of nowhere, the crowd burst into approval. YAAHHHH!!! PUNCH HER IN THE FACE!!! The girls start laughing, and the guys are going insane. People are high fiving Ed, and you can hear guys yelling stuff like, "HEY, KICK HER IN THE TEETH!" and, "GIVE HER A PILEDRIVER!" Stuff like that. It was the single most bizarre thing I had ever experienced.

And that's why it's my number 1 strip club story. I can't imagine it being topped any time soon. Or ever. I can't imagine it being topped ever. Why even try?

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b at 5:32 PM

further adventures in sencio

buffoon 668: Hey John, how's it going?
buffoon 668: TGIF, right bro? Any big weekend plans?
buffoon 668: quick question- in the movie "Love Stinks," did you audition for that role, or are you friends with French Stewart?
JSTVTRIBE signed off at 11:38:34 AM.

I think he's breaking... I really think I'm almost there. Come on John, just talk to me and this will all be over. I love you John Sencio, 4-eva.

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b at 11:12 AM

my top 6 strip club moments

We all have them, here are some of mine...

6. Happy Birthday to me
On my 18th birthday my friends Andy, Brad, and Howie broke my strip club cherry by taking me to Stiletto's in Nanuet. After a lifetime of watching Cinemax movies about strip clubs, I couldn't believe I was finally standing in one. Naked women everywhere, it was amazing. So as the night goes on, my friend Andy leans in and says, "Hey, pick a girl, we're buying you a lapdance." I had a jealous girlfriend at the time, so I know I should've said "no," but all that came out was, "You guys are the best."

For the next hour or so I put more effort into picking out the perfect girl than I did into picking the DJ for my Bar Mitzvah. I finally found the one- a gorgeous, big breasted, blue-eyed brunette. I think her name was Nikki. I could be making that up.

Andy grabs Nikki and tells her I want a dance. She brings me in the back and gives me a lapdance, during which I propose marriage about 4 times and tell her how beautiful she is another 3. Afterwards I made my way back to my friends and they all start giving me a hard time. "Are you in love? I've never seen you so happy." I laugh it off. A few minutes later, Andy notices Nikki standing a short distance away smiling at us. I look over and wave, and immediately Nikki ducks her head down and starts giggling. "Jesus Christ!" Andy yelled, "You're making a stripper blush! What the hell did you say to her back there???" It was a good way to start my strip club experience.

5. Brian's Disease
My friends and I ended up at Stiletto's one night, probably for somebody's 18th birthday. All I remember was that it was the middle of the summer and that our friend Brian had a bad case of poison ivy at the time, which totally didn't stop him from coming. When we arrived at the club we couldn't help but notice that there was one unattractive stripper who looked exactly like this girl that worked at the Walgreens by our high school. The stripper earned the nickname "Danielle from Walgreens" and it didn't take long before "Danielle from Walgreens" was on stage dancing in front of us. As she began positioning herself in front of Brian, we all knew what was coming. She obviously had no clue that Brian was covered head to toe in poison ivy, so in one quick motion she dropped down, threw her legs out, and wrapped them around Brian's neck. As she she began grinding and rubbing and doing whatever it was she was doing, we realized that Brian may have just ruined this girl's life, because I'd imagine that poison ivy of the inner thigh doesn't go over too well with the customers. Poor Danielle from Walgreens.

4. I'm a good boyfriend
One year during college my roommate Eric was visiting Pearl River along with his buddies Vince and Joe. Now, I knew it was going to be an interesting night. We had plans to hang out with a good girl-friend of mine, as well as one of her friends that I had hooked up with in the past. And, to make matters more interesting, I had a girlfriend who was out of town. So.

We all end up at a bar in Pearl River, and after a couple of beers the girl I hooked up with starts coming onto me. She's saying things like, "We should hook up again," blah blah blah, and I'm turning her down left and right because I have a girlfriend. Finally, I tell Eric that we have to leave because I'm not going to put myself in that position. In the car on the way home, Vince suggests we go to a strip club. Now, Vince has a lot of money, and from what I had been told, going to a strip club with Vince was an experience. Despite being tired and frustrated, I say okay.

So we get there, and I'm not in the best mood. Everybody's having a good time, and finally Vince yells, "Bob, I'm getting you a lapdance!" I told him I really didn't want one, but he insisted. "No, you're getting one!" He grabs a girl, hands her some money, and tells her that I wanted a dance. As I protest, the girl starts dragging me to the back. She sits me down, and now I'm flat out miserable. She starts doing her thing and I don't respond at all. When it's time for me to leave, I'm pretty sure she gives me a dirty look.

A few minutes after we leave the club, my cell phone rings. It's my girlfriend. She asks me why I called her and woke her up. I tell her I didn't. "You did. You called about 10 minutes ago, and when I answered my phone all I could hear was loud music and a girl's voice." And that's when I realize that the strippers leg must've pressed up against my phone in my pocket when she was dancing, calling my girlfriend. Of course, rather than explain that to her, I just answered, "Well, I have no clue how that could've happened," and hung up. What a great night.

3. I'm no fool
Okay, this is bad. I was in Vegas and I was -surprise- very drunk and at a strip club. Now, for those of you who have never been to Vegas, be warned: the strippers there are unlike any you'll ever encounter. (note: If you've been to Vegas but didn't go to a strip club, please stop frequenting this blog, thank you). Not only are they better looking than your average dancer, but they're a lot friendlier too. Rather than just approach you and ask, "Do you want a dance?" then walk away, they'll come over to you, sit down on your lap, and be your best friend for 20 minutes. They don't even say the 'D Word' ("dance," pervert) until you've already fallen madly in love. They'll just sit on your lap and laugh at your jokes and make you think you're the only attractive person that has ever set foot in a strip club. It's incredible. I know Ivy League educated men who left Vegas strip clubs saying the single dumbest thing a guy can say: "Seriously, guys. I think that stripper really liked me."

So anyway, I'm in Vegas at the club across the street from the Hard Rock, and I have this beautiful girl sitting on my lap playing with my hair. I was breaking out all the stops to impress her. (Remember, drunk). Since I had just met Beyonce a couple of weeks earlier, I felt the need to say, "You know, I met Beyonce and you are way hotter." Because you know, they were both black, so in my mind it made perfect sense to compare. (drunk) Anyway. As I'm playing it cool I mention that we're staying at The Palms and that we had a table reserved at Ghost Bar the following evening. I tell her she should come by, and of course, she tells me she will. I mean, we were really connecting, why wouldn't she, right? So we continue to talk, and all of a sudden she says, "Wanna know something? 'Angel' is just my stage name. My real name is Katie." And it hit me like a ton of bricks-- Oh my God! Strippers never tell you their real names! This girl must actually like me!

Now that Angel, er, Katie had told me her real name, we were suddenly connected. I wasn't just some sleazy strip club guy and she wasn't just some sleazy stripper, it was more than that. Of course, a few minutes later when she asked me for a dance I had to say yes. And when she took my $20, I knew it was just because she had to so she wouldn't get in trouble with her boss. After the song ended she left, but I knew I was going to see her the next night at Ghost Bar so it was all good.

Well, believe it or not, something must've come up the next night because Katie never made it to Ghost Bar. And on a completely unrelated note, the other strippers must've liked my friends a lot too, because they learned their real names as well. We must've been the best looking group of guys ever. I mean, that's the only logical explanation, right? Right?

2. It's a Small World
With a list of six strip club stories, Vegas had to be represented more than once. So I made my triumphant return to Vegas over the summer with 4 of my good friends, and by the second night there it was time to hit a strip club. We ended up at The Spearmint Rhino, which has to be the most bizarre name for a strip club on the entire planet. Anyway, I thought it was terrible. It was huge and packed and it felt like the Costco of strip clubs. Like, all the hot strippers were on the top shelf and you couldn't reach them unless you found a guy who worked there with a ladder or something. Very annoying.

In typical strip club fashion, one of the guys we arrived with immediately disappeared and didn't turn up again until we ready to leave. There's always that guy. The rest of us found a table in the back, and it didn't take long before a couple of girls sat down with us. I was pretty drunk, but since I had been to Vegas and I knew their tricks I was determined not to get fooled again. The pretty brunette and I start talking, and all is good. She asks, "You guys aren't from the West Coast, are you?" I reply, "No, we're from New York." "Oh," she says, "I'm from New York too." I wasn't exactly surprised by this because she had a NY quality to her, so I ask, "Yeah, what part?" And she says, "Well, it's a little town, you've never heard of, Pearl River."

"HOLY SHIT!" I yell. "We're from Pearl River!" I couldn't believe it. I quickly replayed the conversation in my head to make sure that I wasn't being duped by yet another Las Vegas stripper. Nope, she definitely said it first. Once again, I felt connected to a stripper. I was ready for her to freak out and be like, "Whoa! What a small world," but she didn't. She didn't really react at all. She just went on with the conversation, which angered me. "Whoa whoa whoa," I said. "Don't you find it a little strange that we're from Pearl River? It's a small town, I grew up on Quake Lane!" She just shrugged, "Eh, I've been all over the world, I meet a lot of people, it doesn't really phase me." That really bothered me. Who would've thought a stripper could be so jaded? jeez.

1. Listen, this has gone on a little too long, and I think #1 deserves its own post. So, the dramatic conclusion, tomorrow...

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b at 5:34 PM

are you going to hell?

If you're like me, people have probably been telling you for most of your life that you're going to go to hell. I'd say about once a week a good friend of mine will say, "Bob, you're going to hell." Or, "Bob, I'll see you in hell," Or, "Bob, you're one hell of a good looking guy." You know, that kind of thing.

Now, granted, I've said some pretty tasteless/awful/funny things in my life. Sure. However,I don't think that that's enough to write my ticket to hell. No, I think it takes more than that... well, I hope.

Since I had questions that I needed answers to, I hit the internet hard to do some research. Am I destined to go to hell, or do I have a shot of walking through those pearly gates? I almost called off my quest immediately when I discovered a certain website that insisted I was going to hell for all of eternity because I was a "blood sucking Jew," but I decided that I probably shouldn't get all my answers from the KKK... anymore.

But anyway, after scouring the internet for hours I saw enough to determine my ultimate fate. I know where I'm ending up. And actually, if you're interested, you can find out too. It's simple. Here's the test:

Click on the following 3 links and peruse the sites. If you laugh at any of them, you-- just like the blood sucking Jews-- are probably going to hell.

Hell Test #1
Hell Test #2
Hell Test #3

Well, I'm sure we can all agree that there was nothing funny about #3... but yeah, I'm still going down. Be sure to keep my seat warm.

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b at 5:42 PM

About your friend's bands show tonight...

Hey, I just got your call. Thank you so much for calling me three times to remind me that your friend's band has a show tonight. I don't have any plans so I'm probably going to come, but I haven't exactly made up my mind yet. It's funny how they always seem to perform on nights where I don't have anything else going on, isn't it?

I still remember the first time you asked me to come with you to watch your friend's band. You sent me a link to their website in an email that read, "Hey, this is my friend's band that I was telling you about, check them out. You should listen to the mp3's. They're really low quality, but you can get a feel for what they're like." I downloaded two of them (because the link for the third was broken), and even though I couldn't understand the lyrics I thought they weren't too bad. Sure, I decided not to save the files, but that's only because you told me they were going to re-record the songs sometime next month at their friend's studio. So I guess I'll wait.

I know you told me that your friend's band cites Weezer as their main influence, but to be honest I really don't hear it. Yes, I know the lead singer was obsessed with Pinkerton in high school, and the songs are kind of structured like Weezer songs, but it just doesn't sound the same to me. If I had to guess, I'd say your friend's band sounds kind of more like Simple Plan, or early Good Charlotte. Yeah, I actually did just say "early Good Charlotte," sorry about that. I swear there's a difference.

So this is a pretty big show for your friend's band, right? You mentioned that a guy from some record label is supposed to drop by. That's huge. I know they've only been together for 8 months, but it's hard to tell. They're really... tight. Tight is the word I'd use. They're definitely tight for a band that hasn't been together that long. I'm impressed.

What's my favorite song of theirs? Hmm, that's a tough one. I don't exactly know any of the song titles, per se, but I enjoy a bunch of them. You told me that you like the song about your home town the best, which makes sense, but I think I'm going to have to go with their semi-ironic cover of Rick Springfield's "Jesse's Girl." I know it's not an original tune, but they way they cover it is very... tight.

So I'm assuming that tonight's show is at one of the same four places I've already seen your friend's band play. It's kind of funny how there's always a $6 cover and all of the places charge $5 for a beer, isn't it? I know I don't have to drink, but for some reason once I get that wristband on I can't help but go to the bar and start. At least the bartenders are always cute, albeit surly.

Anyway, I just double checked your second reminder email and discovered that they're the third band on tonight's bill. I'm pretty sure I've already seen one of those first two bands play with your friend's band before, but to be honest I've never heard of either of the last two. I'd ask you to meet me at the bar across the street to drink some cheap beer before the show starts, but I know the answer: "No, I don't want to risk it. I've never missed a performance, and just in case something goes wrong I want to be there." Fair enough, I guess. Maybe I'll just go there and pound a few to make your friend's band more bearable. I mean to make them more better. Sound better. Make your friend's band sound better... no, that's not it either. Shit.

Your friend's band sucks.

Sorry.

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b at 5:35 PM

oh canada

So this past weekend I made my way up to the great white north. No, I'm not talking about the Upper East Side before it gets sketchy, I'm talking about Canada.

Now, this was my first time in Canada, a fact which many Canadians found hard to believe. "You've never been to Canada before, eh? Is this really your first time here?" Well... yeah, it was. I was kind of taken aback by their level of surprise. Beyond the enticement of a lower drinking age and the amazing drawing power of the Hockey Hall of Fame, why would I have visited Canada prior to this weekend? The Blue Jays? LBS, people. LBS. (lbs=let's be serious)

I was excited to be in Canada with Christie for several reasons, one being I hardly ever leave the states. I've never been to Europe, and the few times I have left the country have always involved touristy islands or drunk Spring Breakers. I was looking forward to visiting a "foreign" country that didn't exist solely to entertain vacationing Americans and hold Wet T-Shirt contests. Notice I said "solely." Let the record show that I am in no way opposed to Wet T-Shirt contests. Thank you.

Since it was a new experience being "abroad," I did my best to try to feel like a stranger in a strange land. I was trying to find all these amazingly huge differences between the US and Canada so I could break out the bewildered American act. "Huhhhh? You do whaaaaat? Noooo! That's sooo weird!" Unfortunately, in Canada I didn't get the opportunity to do that too often.

So what was different? Well, the first thing that really caught me off guard was the blinking green traffic lights. You heard that right Americans, blinking green lights. Now, up until Friday I had seen blinking yellow lights (slow down) and blinking red lights (slow down unless you see a cop, in which case you actually have to stop for, like, a second), but never blinking green lights. I assumed it either meant "go faster," or it was just Canada's cute little way to get you excited that the light was finally turning green. I was wrong. A blinking green is code for "go ahead and make a left turn before those other cars start going," because you know, a green arrow makes far too much sense.

Speaking of not making sense, what I'm about to tell you is going to blow your mind. Get ready. They don't use miles per hour in Canada! I'm serious! Instead, they use something called "kilometers per hour." Now in case you were wondering what a kilometer is, I'll tell you: it's 1,000-meters. (Sorry, I didn't mean to show off there, it's just that I'm really, really intelligent.) Anyway, in Canada the 'kilometers per hour' numbers are more prominent on the dashboard display than the mph, and that takes some getting used to. Luckily, the signs on the road don't specify which you're supposed to be doing, rather they just include a number with the word "Maximum" before it. Like "Maximum 100." So if you're visiting from the US you could probably just pretend that you didn't know whether the "Maximum" indicated kilometers per hour or miles per hour and get away with it. It's worth trying too, because if it worked you'd end up saving a lot of time. 100 kilometers per hour translates into something like 390 mph, I think.

But enough with the math. Let's move on to something important, like music. I've heard several Canadians mock their American exports, saying things like, "Canadians don't actually like those artists, you guys do." Well, allow me to report that that's bullshit. During my limited time by a radio throughout my 3 days in Toronto, I heard Avril Lavigne, Sum 41, Alanis Morrissette, Our Lady Peace, AND the Barenaked Ladies. Twice. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I didn't hear a single song by Bryan Adams. Maybe next time. But yes, apparently Canadians love their Canadian music whether they admit to it or not. And only in Canada will you hear the phrase, "This is my favorite Bif Naked song!" because people in Canada actually do have favorite Bif Naked songs. Seriously. They do.

What else can I tell you? Canadians love their coffee. You can't go more than five steps without seeing a Starbucks, Tim Horton's, Timothy's, Second Cup, or a billion other random coffee shops. The coffee thing makes sense, though, because they need to keep warm. Which reminds me... WEED! No, I didn't smoke any, but I saw people smoking out in the open right in a parking lot as they were getting ready to pick up their U-Haul truck! What a country! The fact that it's kind of legal up there is insane. You know how when you're walking down the street in New York and you suddenly smell some weed and you immediately perk up and follow your nose like you're Toucan Sam looking for Froot Loops because it's so cool that somebody's smoking right on the street? That's Canada, all the time.

As far as the people go, everybody I met in Canada was great. And with the exception of a sign in a clothing store that read, "American $1 = only $1.20 Canadian Ha Ha Ha" I didn't come across anything that I would deem anti-American. I realized, though, that if any country wants to hate us Canada has a good reason to. Here's why: Where does the United States get off declaring that we're America? We're not. We're "of America," it says so right in our name- the United States of America. Canada is part of North America too. And so is Mexico. But for some reason we're the only ones that go ahead and call ourselves Americans. I mean, shit, there's a whole OTHER America south of us (South America), and another little America in between (Central America, I think). But for some reason, the United States is America. If a South American country started calling themselves "America," which they technically have a right to do just as much as we do, the United States would either a) ignore them, or b) beat the shit out of them until they stopped. I think the reason that we decided we are America is because we came up with a name that's hard to conjugate. It dawned on somebody, "Shit... People in Canada can be Canadians, and people from Mexico can be called Mexicans... what does that make us? United State-eans? Fuck it, we're taking the word Americans! Anybody got a problem with that??? BRING IT ON!!!" So they could probably hate us for that, as well as the fact that they gladly accept our money up there while we yell at people that accidentally hand us Canadian quarters down here. I love us.

But I digress. Canada rocks. Despite their overuse of the letter 'u'and the French words on their bags of potato chips, I think it's a pretty cool place. And, best of all, it's the only place I've been to where I can say the phrase "I have a girlfriend in Canada" and people don't automatically assume that it's code for "I'm gay." I mean, come on people. What's that all aboot?

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b at 12:58 PM

i'm just not that into you

When I was in Arizona I had a lot of time to do nothing. Many days I would wake up, drink some coffee, take a shower, then head over to the local mall with my family and wander around for a few hours. Inevitably I'd end up alone at Barnes & Noble, and inevitably that stop would lead to another two or three cups of coffee. But that's not important. During one of my strolls around the Bestsellers section I came upon a book that sounded interesting: "He's Just Not That Into You." I picked it up and made my way over to one of the slightly-too-comfortable chairs by the window to check it out, along with the Newsweek magazine I was holding (and the Maxim magazine I was hiding underneath).

After quickly skimming through the magazines and studying up on the elections in Iraq and Eva Longoria's favorite sex toys, it was time to delve into He's Just Not That Into You. Now, at the time I had been hearing people use the phrase excessively around the office and on TV, but I didn't know much about the book. All I knew was that some guy wrote something to help girls figure out if guys are into them or not, titled the book "He's Just Not That Into You" and for some reason it was sweeping the nation. Simple enough.
'
I read the corny he-said/she-said Foreword and immediately started feeling like I was reading my sister's YMs again. Now, I would never knock reading girl magazines-- hell, I learned a lot thanks to my sister's YM and Seventeen and Teen magazines growing up. Like, I learned what signs to look for if a girl wants to show you they're into you, I learned about what hunky celebrities shared my astrological sign, and most importantly I learned to never go swimming when I'm on my period because the cute boy I like is inevitably going to be lifeguarding that day and it's going to be SOOOO Embarrassing! But anyway.

For those of you unfamiliar with the background of "He's Just Not That Into You," here it is. Comic Greg Behrendt had the illustrious job of sitting in on writers meetings for Sex In The City and offering the male perspective when needed. Now, that comes as a shock to me considering I've seen about 70% of all the Sex In The City episodes and I'm pretty sure there's never been a single male perspective displayed. Regardless, one day during a meeting one of the female writers was complaining about a guy she was dating who hadn't called her (or something like that), and full of frustration she turned to Greg and asked his advice. Greg replied, "He's just not that into you," and the rest, as they say, is history.

Okay, so back to the Arizona Barnes & Noble. I'm sitting there drinking my coffee and I begin reading the first chapter of this book. Almost immediately, a wave of fear sweeps over my body.

I am fucked.

This author... this comic... this prick! has sold me out! He's sold US out!

Page after page, paragraph after paragraph was nothing but one example after the next on how guys act if they're just not that into you... AND IT WAS RIGHT! There it was, on paper, just letting women everywhere know what to search for, what the clues were. Where did this guy get off? Didn't he know the rules? Michael Rappaport spells them out clear as day in Beautiful Girls, "You never let them behind the curtain Will. You never let them see the little old man behind the curtain working the levers of the great and powerful OZ. They are all sisters Willie... they aren't allowed back there... they musn't see." Well, this guy didn't just write a book that let women behind the curtains, he wrote a book that burned the curtains down.

See, the genius of the book-- the evil genius of the book-- is the fact that it reads more like a text book than anything else. Realizing that women are crazy, the authors made sure to cover every possible way that a guy could not be into you. They realized that if a delusional woman, who was already deluding herself into thinking a guy was into her, didn't see her EXACT situation in print then she'd assume she was safe. They knew this, so they made sure to cover all their bases... which sucks.

If you meet him at a bar and he gives you his number instead of asking you for yours, he's just not that into you. If you haven't met his friends, he's just not that into you. If he tells you 'he's just not that into you' he's just not that into you. If he tells you that he 'is just that into you' he's probably lying and he's just not that into you.

As I read the first few chapters I started to sweat. If he says that he got so drunk he forgot to call, he's just not that into you. If he says he's been too busy at work to call, he's just not that into you. If he tells you to meet you somewhere it's not a date and he's just not that into you. FUCK! I've used all of those! I knew then and there that this book was going to ruin my life. Sure, I didn't enjoy making a habit of spending time with girls that I "just wasn't into," but it's happened. It's happened to all of us. Well, now these girls were going to know if I wasn't that into them before I had the chance to say it, all thanks to this stupid book.

With this book out there, guys will never be the same. Whenever you meet a girl you have to wonder whether or not she's read it. If you're initially not that into her and she's read the book then it's over before it started. If you start dating her and your interest wanes, how soon before one of her friends makes her read it? "He's Just Not That Into You" is like the Sports Almanac in Back To The Future 2-- knowing it's out there is bad, and if it falls into the wrong hands it could be flat out dangerous.

I'm glad I read a good chunk of "He's Just Not That Into You" that day in Arizona. For as evil as the book is, and for as much trouble as it's going to get guys in for years and years to come, it also kind of puts things into perspective. Laughing and thinking "Oh, I've done that" gets old pretty quick, and eventually you're just left thinking, "Wait, why did I do that?" It's much, much better when you're into someone. Trust me.

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b at 4:56 PM

you didn't think they could hate you now, did ya?

u suck dude.
your hakeem jokes are fucking lame and
your about as indie as fucking herpes.
so basically suck a dick.
-a fan
ricardo | 02.10.05 - 10:53 am | #

It's about time I got a legimiate hateful comment. To be honest, ricardo makes a couple of good points. My Hakeem jokes were fucking lame... and yes, I am about as indie as fucking herpes. Whatever that means.

Sorry Ricardo. I'll try to do a better job.

oh, and p.s. What does it say about me that I found the misuse of "your" to be the most offensive part about this? I need help.

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b at 1:48 PM

Hakeem Olajuwon Loves Posting-Up, Terrorism

WASHINGTON (AP) -- A mosque established and funded by basketball star Hakeem Olajuwon gave more than $80,000 to charities the government later determined to be fronts for the terror groups al-Qaida and Hamas, according to financial records obtained by The Associated Press.

Forget about the fact that it was probably an accident and that the government isn't even investigating him for this, I'm just hoping that the NY Post picks up on it and decides to make it back page news. First off, you know they'd use a photograph of Hakeem standing on the court with his arms on his hips looking exacerbated. Then they'd use a completely tasteless and inappropriate play-on-words headline. That may be my favorite thing the Post does. In fact, I'd give anything to be the guy who comes up with the headlines. I'm gonna use the Hakeem thing as my audition. Here's what I got:

Hakeem Ola-jihad
Hakeem In Ha-mess
The 'Dream': Annhilation
Center of Controversy
Houston's Evil Rocket
Hakeem's Dream: Destroying America
Flagrant Foul!
Al-Queda's Dream Team
Bin Laden's Rocket Man
Hamas Be A Mistake!

So come on Post, hire me. Being the headline guy would be marginally more exciting than being the guy in Entertainment Weekly who decides what's Hot, what's Not, and what's So Five Minutes Ago.

In an ideal world, I'd be both. Someday. Someday.

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b at 4:11 PM

what a day

Damn you Hilary Swank. Damn you for intruding on this amazing collection with your bogus "The Next Karate Kid." The wrong Karate Kid is getting all the sweet roles and name recognition in Hollywood, if you know what I mean. Cast Ralph Macchio in "Million Dollar Baby" and it would've been a thousand times better, guaranteed.

Any Swank movie would be better with Macchio in it. Boys Don't Cry? Macchio would've nailed it. Insomnia? Forget about Pacino/Swank, imagine Pacino/Macchio. It practically rhymes. And The Affair of The Necklace? Okay, I'm not exactly sure what the deal is with that movie, but I do know that Daniel-son was in it that it probably would've grossed $200 mill at the box office. Macchio = box office gold.

So if you don't hear from me over the next few days it's because I'm going to be locked in my apartment watching The Karate Kid 1 and 2 over and over again. I'll throw 3 in every once in a while to mix things up, but forget about 4. The Next Karate Kid is going to serve no purpose other than acting as a coaster for The Next Brooklyn Lager of the evening. Sorry Swank. Not on my watch.

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b at 1:04 PM

The Answers: Part 4 of 4

Done. Finally. I hope you all enjoy. I had no idea that doing another Ask Bob Anything would be so time consuming and crazy, but I'm glad we did it. From now on, feel free to email me whenever you have a question. Every month we'll try to devote some time to the mail bag if you're interested (Yes, I'm ripping off The Sports Guy, sue me). Thanks again to everybody who asked a question, I'd be nothing without you... well, that's not entirely true, but you know what I mean. Thanks.

When is the last time you threw up and why? If because of alcohol how soon before you were drinking again?
Anonymous

You. I blame you. I was going to answer this in part 3, but I honestly couldn't remember the last time I threw up. Then, on Saturday, out of nowhere I threw up 12 times. No exaggeration. I'm not sure if it was food poisoning or if it was a stomach bug, but whatever it was it was horrible (and it was the reason you didn't get your weekend update). So the answer is Saturday, and no, it was not because of alcohol, it was because of this question. Thanks.

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How do you have the time to answer all of these questions at work?

I don't. I answered all of these questions at home and then published them at work. I have a great job and all, but it's not great enough where I could take the time to answer 115+ questions.

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Why the heck do people stay up so late when if feels so crap to wake up the next day because of it? And no i don't mean the good nights because of socializing or sex, but the ones where nothing is going on at all!
Owl

1. That movie that you know you shouldn't start watching but do anyway. This gets you every time. Whether it's Braveheart or Wild Things, you promise yourself that you'll only watch 15 minutes but end up watching the whole damn thing.
2. Boobs. It starts with the Girls Gone Wild infomercial and ends with you watching HBO2 until the 2:45 start of "The Bare Wench Project."
3. Going to bed is just so damn hard sometimes. Yeah, your bedroom is five steps away, but first you have to turn the TV off, walk to the bathroom, brush your teeth, walk to your room, turn off the light, then lay down. Fuck it. It's always easier just staying put and watching Elimidate. Right?

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Do you know how to spell due?
grammarist

Come on, cut me some slack. Well over 200 posts and I hardly ever have any big typos. (But yes, since I am a perfectionist I did go back and fix it.)

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Why is it that I'm fascinated with Austin Scarlett?

I had no clue who this was until I googled him. After looking him over I can only come to one conclusion: you're gay.

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Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.

1) What... is your name? Well, my name is Bob.
2) What...is your quest? Well, I guess my quest is... comedy? Does that make sense?
3) What...is your favourite colour? Not sure. But my favorite color is probably blue.
bonus question: What do you do with witches? Now you completely lost me.
The Bridge Keeper

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Where do babies come from?
robert goulet

Listen Mr. Goulet, I'd love to help you with that, but I don't think I should be the one to tell you. I'm sure there are millions of websites that can give you further insight on the subject. I recommend googling the words "penis" and "vagina" and see what comes up. Oh, and you should google "comes up" too.

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Can Jack Bauer be stopped?
dan

Never. The man cannot be stopped. He saved the world last season while overcoming a HEROIN ADDICTION! That's by far the most impressive feat since Die Hard with a vengeance when Bruce Willis saved the world with a hangover, which has to be one of the most underrated plot points ever. I can barely shower standing up when I'm hungover, Willis was going on car chases through Central Park and hanging off of boats in the Hudson River. In my opinion, that set a whole new standard for the modern action hero.

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Does Richard Belzer kind of freak you out?
alex blagg

You know, I never thought much about this... but yeah. Yeah he does. Creepy.

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Bob, are you my friend because im a good guy who makes you a little better off for knowing me or are you my friend because I brought you into my circle of friends, I work for VH1, I get you into sweet halloween parties where you meet members of the strokes, and I know a lot about music and shower you with knowledge of up and coming bands? Because I really hope you're not using me. It would break my heart....
Mark

You're too good to me, Mark. I don't know where I'd be without you. Probably listening to Z-100, going to places like Avalon on the weekends, and wearing black tank tops out at night when I'm rolling with my posse. Thanks for guiding me in the right direction, buddy.

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When is the last time you saw or met someone in person that you wanted to kiss on the mouth and please give a brief description.
parker

That's hard to say. Though I recently found out that Brigitte Nielson is going to back in the Best Week Ever studios this week, so I might have another chance to get to first base with her. Yes!

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ahhh....Canada.... How much do you love that Country?
Dan Who Thinks He Lives in New

You know, I haven't been there yet. But having played hockey in high school and having recently met some great Canadians, I think I do love that country.

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How does it feel to be a baboon?
Miss Kitch

Hairy. Very hairy.

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I just went to the Karo, and read the actual column. People voluntarily have this sent to them every week? The scariest thing I could ever imagine is someone sitting in a cubicle laughing their ass off, and saying, "that is so true!" It's a like Rodney Dangerfield routine for retarded people.
Dashiell

Not exactly a question, but I just thought I'd republish this and say, "Exactly."

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Why are you such a playah-hatah? On a scale of 1 to 10, how jealous of me are you?
Karo

This is a tough one to answer. Sure, I wouldn't mind your success or your development deal or the ability to quit my job and make a living doing stand up. Those are all things I'm jealous of. But you know what, Dat Phan and Carrot Top
are also far more successful than me and I'm not jealous of either of them... so I guess a 1.

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Are you going to see the Kings Of Leon at Irving Plaza?
Some Dude

I haven't bought tickets but I think I'm going to go.

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What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? Assume European swallow.
What's the secret for exploiting an Italian/Jewish background to score with the ladies?
Dave

a) 11 meters per second OR 24 mph
b) Being half Jewish and half Italian means that after I hit my girl I go out and buy her something expensive. Chicks dig that.

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Ok, my husband's coming home from Iraq in approximately 45. What should i do to help me pass the time and to get my mind off sex since i've been without for an entire year. Thinking about sports just doesnt help. it's TOO boring.
Laura

Well, by now you've probably had a lot of sex so I guess I won't be much of a help. Be sure to thank your husband for serving his country, and do him right... for me. For all of us.

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Should I get a hair cut?
Marisa

And should I get a haircut?
it looks good and gets compliments and all, but takes so long to prepare (1/2 hour everyday)
Fionna

Look at me. Are you really asking me for hair advice? Oh, and for the record, for those of you who saw me on Best Week Ever last week; I spent about ten minutes pulling my hair out to make it as big as possible. I normally don't look that much like Yahoo Serious, I promise.

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Are men really only "as faithful as their opportunities" as chris rock observed?
Mya

Most men are. I'm not. I'll fuck anything.

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Are you going to make Christie happy? And, if not, are you going to take it like a man when I castrate you and force feed you your penis through your nose?
Kat

Shit... Kat, please ignore my answer to that last question. I was just kidding around. Ha ha ha...
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Is there anything worse/ more baseless than "if you don't treat her right..." threats from the friend of the girlfriend? And shouldn't there be another side of the coin, like "If she doesn't treat you right, I'll give you some consolation head?" There's no follow up on either, but at least then you know the friend of girlfriend intends to be fair.
Kobes

You know, while I think it's a great idea, for some reason I have a feeling that girls won't take it too fondly if their friends are offering their boyfriend consolation head.

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You work at Best Week Ever and you're also a comedian. You've gotten to meet some of the funniest, most talented, and hottest people out there. Beyonce, Paris Hilton, Andrew WK, and so on. But who is the best of all the TV personalities you've met? Who outshines all these celebs?
Curious

Well, I never met Paris Hilton, but that's not important. The best of all the TV personalities I've ever met has to be Sean Kobrin. I can't tell you why, he just is.

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which would you rather be: a wordsmith or a poopsmith?
greg

Greg, I'm not exactly sure what a poopsmith is. Hmm. Well, if a wordsmith is a person who plays with words, I guess a poopsmith is... poopsmith.

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Do you really have crabs, or am I just unattractive to you?
Steve

See Steve, this is how rumors get started.

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does spooning lead to forking? or vice versa?
sofa king we todd id

Generally forking leads to spooning, unless you're both drunk and just end up Sporking.

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Are there any Valentines Day Cards out there that say "I like having sex with you but Im not sure if I love you"? Its coming up fast and I got to get something for my girlfriend. Any suggestions?
gargamel

Hmm. If you get a friendship card then you risk kissing the sex goodbye. However if you get her a love card you could be biting off more than you can chew. I think you should avoid the card and just get her something that she's going to like but has no romantic connotation whatsoever. Like the OC Season 1 DVD or a basket of Bath and Body Works crap. You definitely won't be boyfriend of the year, but you're not going to be completely fucked in the dog house either... and from what I gather, that's exactly what you're looking for.

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how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?
Claire

I did this once in high school but sadly did not write down the results. Lil' Kim has a song that goes "How many licks does it take..." but I have a sneaking suspicion that she's not singing about a tootsie roll pop.

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Why can't I find happiness?
John Sencio

Because you won't answer my IM's. I'll make you happy John... I will. JUST ANSWER ME!!!

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How much do you love hipsters?
And who is the next big hipster band that we will all be singing the praises of?????
Hipster

I absolutely adore hipsters. Hipsters are the new hippies, only they smell better and their music isn't as obnoxious. The hipsters are singing the praises of Bloc Party and The Bravery, but the fact that I'm aware of that means that they're probably already played out. I saw a homeless guy on the F train Saturday afternoon singing "Amazing Grace" and playing a keyboard-- so in my ongoing effort to keep ahead of the curve, I'm going to say that he's the next big hipster thing.

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Drea de Matteo or Fergie? Fergie, barely
rap or R&B? Rap
Honda or Toyota? Toyota
Led Zep or Pink Floyd? Pink Floyd
Six Feet Under or Sopranos? Six Feet Under
eggs or just egg whites? Eggs
blade or electric razor? Recently, blade
conditioner or just shampoo? mostly shampoo
Lucy Lee or Miko Lee? Kathie Lee
PC or Mac? PC
Fed Ex or UPS? Fed Ex
Scope or Listerine? Scope
De La Soul or Tribe Called Quest? Tribe
inkjet or laser? Laser
special soap or whatever soap? whatever soap
night owl or early bird? total night owl
x

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are my questions more important than those from the other people you don't know? Because I'm sort of smooshed in a category between friend and groupie.
p.s. this is me being SENSITIVE and VULNERABLE, yeah, but DON'T get used to it, faggot.
p.p.s. omigod, no offense to anyone; really, i never use that word.
cat

Cat, I treat everybody's questions equally, although calling me a faggot definitely helps.

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was the above p.s. in bad taste?
Anonymous

Never. We're all friends here, have fun.

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Did you see the film 'Punch Drunk Love'? if so, please review it here. Thank You.
Critical

I did see Punch Drunk Love in the theater when it came out, however I haven't seen it since. So I don't think I could give an accurate review since it really didn't leave much of an impact... sorry.

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Hellooo...is it me you're looking for?
Lionel Richie

Yes. But unfortunately, I'm a blind art student and I can't see a damn thing. Here, check out this sculpture I made of New York Knicks' center Patrick Ewing. It's beautiful... I think.

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did you ever secretly wish you were a girl? if you could be a girl for a week, what would you do if you could do ANYTHING?
Anonymous

It's impossible to answer this question without coming off like some sort of cliche. Anything sexual is far too obvious. Stuff like, "I'd play with my breasts" or "I'd masturbate all day" is about as clever as the line "If I could blow myself I'd never leave the house!" I guess if I were a girl for a week I'd try to get the full girl experience (let's assume I'm hot). I'd probably spend some time walking around New York City in a skirt and a low cut shirt to see if I'd get harassed. I'd go to bars at night with no money in my purse just to find out if I could go the whole night without paying for a drink. I'd probably try to do some stand-up to see if all my jokes were suddenly about my relationship with my mother and how hard it is to find a good man. And I'd menstruate, a lot, just to see what the big f'ing deal is. Aside from that, I'm not sure what else there is to do. Masturbate all day?

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When you see the comments section getting this many hits do you feel at all like someone selling something on eBay and the bids going way higher than anticipated?
Thames

Totally. 'My Blog is Poop' is the new 'grilled cheese sandwich with the face of the Virgin Mary.' (Okay, probably only like 9 people got that reference, but it was a good one. Trust me)

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Does this many questions mean that My Blog Is Poop has officially 'made it'?
Gameface

Yes it does. However, my answering this many questions proves that I have not.

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b at 1:52 PM

The Answers: Part 3 of 4

is your comments section going to continue to descend into a boring, high school-esque discussion of your sexual/romantic life?
liz

With any luck, YES!

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I'm in the process of reading through all of your archived blogs but I can't seem to find out if you have a girlfriend. Do you?
Jeanette

Well, you're not going to find it in the archives, but yes, I have a girlfriend. On that note...

Did you have sex with Christie? How was it? (well, you said anything).
Enquirer

I'm all for being honest and open in these questions and all, but come on, look at her. Do you really think I'm gonna screw this up by answering that??? Sorry dude.

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What do you look like (aka can you show us a picture of your face)?
Rory

Right there. I'm the one on the right.

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If you had to watch one of these movies within the next 24 hours which would it be:
*Amelie
*Boiler Room
*Bad News Bears
*Breakfast At Tiffany's
*Dig!
*Pokemon: The Movie
Anonymous

Believe it or not, the only one of these I've seen is Bad News Bears. Yell at me. I guess I would pick Boiler Room, despite Vin Diesel.

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will the cubs ever win a world series again?
me

Sure, some day. But I have a feeling they're a ways away. I like the idea of trading Sosa, (especially with the amount of money he's making) but they should've been able to get more from Angelos & crew in return. The Orioles played it too cautiously this offseason which was sure to anger their fans and the media. With that kind of criticism compounded by the fact that the Nationals are going to be the new and exciting team in DC taking away fans they had to make a big move. The Cubs should've been able to capitalize on this and get themselves a better package than the often-injured Jerry Hairston Jr. and a couple of minor leaguers.

What the Cubs need is for Kerry Wood to win 20 games (which somehow despite being one of the best power pitchers in the game, he has never done). They need Mark Prior to get healthy and pitch like everybody knows he's capable of pitching. They need Nomar to step up and be the leader he was in Boston before he got married and lost his balls.

Don't look for the Cubs to assume the role of the 2004 Red Sox this year and become another Cursed franchise to break the drought and reward their fans for decades of suffering. They essentially replaced Sosa with Jeromy Burnitz, who now has to prove that last year wasn't a fluke and he's capable of playing in a park other than Coors field (unfortunately, it was, and he won't; check out his home vs. away stats.) So forget about this year. The Cubs will win again, but not until they're able to sufficiently build around Prior and Wood. If they can keep those two on the team, and don't make too many big mistakes talent-wise over the next few years, I think they have a chance to win by 2014. That's my call.

Yeah. I like baseball.

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When was the last time you attended a Lemon Party?
The Greengrocer

You mean like this one? Sadly, I'm too young to attend, but I'm counting down the days until I turn 80!

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Bulimic girls or anorexic girls? Anorexic girls. They're cheaper dates.
Uncle Jesse or Joey? Uncle Jesse, Joey was annoying.
Sunny D or Gatorade? Gatorade.
Meredith Viera or Joy Behar? I'm oddly attracted to Meredith Viera.
Smurfs or Snorks? Smurfs, because I love communism.
Big or Aidan? Big. Both those guys put up with a lot of her shit, but Big had balls about it.
"Enough" or "Angel Eyes"? Anaconda.
Centaurs or ligers? Ligers.
Gellar or your girlfriend? Can I pick Gellar & my girlfriend? Together. At the same time. Wearing Buffy outfits.
Cat

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Have you ever broken into someone's house and left an open condom next to their pillow while they slept? Who do you think you look more like when you're wet, Kenny G or Razor Ramon?
eli

I have never broken into anybody's house and left an open condom next to their pillow while they slept, despite what you may have heard. And when I'm wet I'd like to think that I look a little more like Razor Ramon than Kenny G. I'm the bad guy!

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bob which of the below do you rate as funny / relevent / worthwhile as comedians (please list favorite-to-least)
Anonymous
1. Mitch Hedberg - a smart comic in the mold of Steven Wright. this guy cracks me up
2. Dane Cook - a great performer. can't beat his energy
3. Lewis Black - he's better when he's going for laughs rather than applause
4. Greg Behrnendt - would be higher if he didn't write that stupid book.

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Why are you Soooo Obsessed with John Sencio???!!!!!!
some dudette

Sencio is life, the rest is just details.

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Why are you stalking me!?!?
John Sencio

I'm not stalking you, I just think you and I would be good friends. I mean, I really think we'd hit it off. We have the same taste in music. We both like... stuff. Listen, I don't know why you just won't answer me when I IM you. I just want to say hi. I just want to tell you how cool I think you are. But, but you won't answer me. WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER ME???? I JUST WANT TO LOVE YOU! YOU WEAR COOL DENIM CUT-OFF SHORTS AND FLANNEL! Sorry... I got a little caught up right there. I think you're nice. Call me.

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Do you like pina coladas? Getting caught in the rain?
alison

More than horrible 80's songs, yes.

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Do you enjoy writing this blog more or the Best Week Ever blog more? How do you decide what posts go to which blog? (I really thought some of the stuff could be in both, but I'm glad you are not cross-posting.)

And, I'm dying to know, are you naturally good or do you pay attention to grammar/spelling? (Trust me, not that many people bother to write "every day" instead of "everyday".)
Ray

First things first. I enjoy writing in this blog because I can write about whatever I want here. I can't talk about rating girls on a scale from 1-10 or guys that I think are hot on the Best Week Ever blog. But in a way I like working on the Best Week Ever blog more because it's more of a challenge to be entertaining solely about pop culture stuff on a daily basis. Also, my boss reads this site, so I'd like to take this opportunity to say I LOVE the Best Week Ever blog!

Secondly, I love the grammer/spelling praise. I take pride in this, and I'm glad it's noticeable. Your awesom. They're should be more people like you.

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How do I get the Mace of Destruction if I already have too much stuff in my satchle in "Baldurs Gate" on Playstation 2?
Dave Rubin

I'm not a video game guy, so I had to ask my girlfriend to answer this one. Here's what she came up with:

1. Open satchel
2. drop "life"
3. drop "prospect of losing virginity"
4. Go north.

Thanks babe.

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Do you think it's wrong for white people to tounge-in-cheek-ly say 'axe' instead of 'ask'? Similarily, should the trend use of 'ghetto' as an adjective be left alone or ceased?
Fredrich

I think it's politically incorrect, and we should come up with a PC agreement. White people will stop using words like 'ghetto' and 'axe' if black people will stop shooting us.

Just wanted to make sure you're still paying attention. Don't hate me.

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have you ever had to:
-trim your nose hair? I don't think it was necessary, but I have.
-trim your ear hair? Not yet.
-trim your toe hair? Just underneath the nails. Okay, that was a joke, but it made me sick just thinking about it.
heather deeeee

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What's more obvious to the blind -- daytime or night time?
Coren

Daytime. But more importantly, how do blind people know when they're done wiping?

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Dear Bob,
That was a long time ago, and i was on several prescription pain killers at the time. What you thought was a personal attack was instead me treading the very waters of sanity, desperate for laughs, desperate for love.
My question to you, dear man, is can we put the past behind us and now be friends?
Kelsey Grammer

Eat shit Grammer.

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if you had to get back w/ one of you ex girlfriends which one would it be?
not telling

I would like to thank "not telling" for coming up with the absolute most evil question posed on this blog. Kudos to you. Okay. If I had to get back with one of my ex-girlfriends I would have to choose Danielle, my camp girlfriend for one week when I attended Camp Bernie at the age of 14. We got to first base, and if I could have her back I'd try to go to second because for a 14 year-old she had a great rack.

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Are any British stand up comedians funny? if "yes" please prove it.
Anonymous

You know, when I read this question I immediately thought, "Of course there are." But then when asked to prove it... yeah, I got nothing. So I guess not.

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Would you sex with LC even if when it came down to the moment of truth you noticed a rather funky body odor + questionable breath issue? My God this is an immature question but I really want to know.
Imelda

I would just like everybody to take note that this is the 3rd question revolving around a kid from Laguna Beach. I'm touched that when you think Laguna Beach you think of me. That being said, at the moment of truth I'd imagine we'd both be pretty drunk, so hopefully I wouldn't even notice the funky body odor and questionable breath. Even if I did, I'd probably just suck it up and go for it. If I got that far with LC I'm already probably going to prison for statutory rape, I might as well deserve it. Getting locked up for not going all the way would be like getting jock itch from laying around on my couch, or like getting AIDS from a toilet seat; if I'm going to get it, I'd better earn it.
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The dramatic conclusion, aka Part 4 of 4, coming this weekend...

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b at 5:00 PM

The Answers: Part 2 of 4

what have you nick-named your dick? i've gone with "wangasaurus rex" for mine.
holmes

Calogero. After I saw "A Bronx Tale" I thought it was a great name, especially for my shwanse. And, a quick aside, when I was 7 years-old I named my ass "Ralph." I'm still not sure why.

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Is coffee part of your daily schedule? if so when / how / where? could you function without it?
javagirl

I generally consume 1-3 cups of coffee a day. I have a beautiful relationship with my coffee cart guy in front of my building. He calls me boss, I call him sir. Actually, when I had to switch offices about a year ago I was most upset about leaving him behind. When I came back to my original building we had a tearful reunion over a large coffee and buttered bioli. Not to sound like a Tasters Choice commercial, but my morning coffee is very important to me, and I'm not sure I could function without it.

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What is the only Major League Baseball ("MLB") team in history to rally from a 3-game deficit in a 7-game postseason series to win that series? Against which team did they do it? Who won the MLB World Series in 2004?
Anonymous

I'm not going to be a bitter Yankees fan. I'm not going to write something like "Is it the same team that lost their most exciting pitcher, currently has their ace starting the season on the DL, and has gotten rid of the 3 main players they traded for that helped them win their only World Series in the last 86 years?" I'm just going to suck it up and say "The Red Sox." The Red Sox did. Congratulations. Dick.

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Will you give me 8000 dollars to go to fat camp?
Marisa

No, because you'll probably use the money to go buy cupcakes or something you fucking fattie.

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Kirsty Alley or Courtney Love? Alley, cuz I like being std-free
The Cure or Morrissey? The Cure
Black and Decker or DeWalt? Black and Decker
Whatevs or Thighs Wide Shut? Whatevs, but I can be bought
Blond or Brunette? Blond
LC or Kristin? Kristin
ODB or Flavor Flav? ODB, eternally
'Adaptation' or 'Eternal Sunshine..'? Eternal Sunshine
'Swingers' or 'Made'? Swingers, by far
PS2 or X-Box? Doesn't matter to me
Zoloft or Prozac? Prozac
E or G? E
fuzzy cuffs or police cuffs? Police
antiperspirant or deodorant? antiperspirant
vinyl or cd? cd
laptop or desktop? laptop
dog or cat? dogs
ankle socks or tube socks? tube
softball or dodgeball? softball
ice cream or sorbet? ice cream
red meat or chicken? both
bi or hetro? hetro
ski or snowboard? ski
pie or cake? apple pie, cookie cake
This is all for now, but I'll have more. And please forgive the typos cos I'm drunk.
x

x, I really hope that this was a slow night and that you usually have better things to do when you're drunk. I mean, I'm flattered, but... you know, call an ex or something.

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alright bob. i got a good one. you've had a friend for 3 years who you've been unable to romantically entrap. valentine's day is coming up. you're single, she's single. and you really want to go for it. what's the best approach (besides giving her a roofie colada)?
holmes

Give her a roofie colada. Oh shit, I didn't see that last line. Umm. Hmm. Actually holmes, Valentines Day is the PERFECT day to romantically entrap your unassuming friend. Here's what you have to do. V-Day falls on a Monday this year, so give your friend a call Sunday afternoon. Keep it casual, talk about normal stuff, and when the conversation eventually gets around to Valentines Day talk about how stupid that stupid holiday is. She'll agree, and the two of you will laugh about it. "You know what," you'll say, "We should go out tomorrow night. Why not? Everybody else is." It might take some prodding, but once she realizes that it's Sunday afternoon and she's alone in her apartment wearing pajamas and eating leftover Thai food she'll totally go for it. Monday night, the two of you go to Mary Anns in the East Village to get some Mexican food for dinner. Look over the margarita menu and convince her to get one (it shouldn't take too much convincing, Mary Anns makes great margaritas.) Down a couple of them, enjoy your food, and keep the conversation light. When the bill comes don't treat! Split that shit right down the middle. This is crucial. Afterwards, make your way to another bar in the East Village, preferably one that will have a lot of couples. Take a seat at the bar, get some shots, and start talking about how lame all the couples are. After a few drinks and shots at this bar, declare that it was time to go somewhere else. By now the margaritas should've kicked in, and the she should be feeling those shots as well. When you get outside, put your arm around her (it's cold) and start walking. When you get to the nearby intersection and await for the Red Hand to switch over to the White Man, turn to her and start rubbing both her arms to keep her warm. This is when she'll make eye contact with you, realize that you're a warm, generous person, and lean in and give you a kiss. After that, you're on your own. Just don't forget, buddy: booze + desperation + v-day = money in the bank. I promise. Oh, and make sure she doesn't read this. That could fuck you.

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This is a follow up to Holmes's question:

How do you get said single girl to join you in a torrid, yet spiritually liberating sexual affair, where she teaches you the delicate art of erotic pleasure, while you break down her barriers to intimacy so she can reach a more complete level of emotional awareness, then go your separate ways, both of you moving on to fulfill your future relationships as healthy, compassionate, and caring adults, all the while treasuring that beautiful spring when you taught each other what it means to love and be loved?
Dashiell

I'm really not kidding, margaritas at Mary Anns. Barriers will be broken, emotional awareness will be reached, and you will learn things about loving and being loved. I recommend the Mango.

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how do you avoid someone who wants to be your valentine date?
jenny

You should totally go out with him. Have fun... drink a little. Oh, and don't read the answer above. (you're welcome holmes)

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Is it wrong for me to have a crush on Dashiell based on her posts within the Poop blog comments?
Anonymous

No, but is it wrong for me to think that Dashiell is a dude? Either way, a crush is a crush. Maybe you're about to learn a little something about yourself Anonymous...

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I lost a red glove in Penn Station about six years ago, do you know where it is?
Pony Boy

Earl on 41st & 3rd is currently using it to keep his johnson warm. He'll gladly give it back.

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whats the best integration of a work describing homosexuals into exclamatories? Fagtastic or Gayriffic?
josh

Fagtastic. And you just inspired me to change the name of this site to My Blog Is Fagtastic. So much better.

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I had a very nice conversation with a man in the sauna at a YMCA in San Francisco. Do I have tendencies?
toby

Toby???

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How far would you go with Nicole Richie and why?
ps- you know what i mean so please do not avoid the question with crafty word play.
Camille

I know exactly what you mean. I would go to third base with Nicole. Sloppy third, to be exact. On me. I'd get her a glass a water afterwards too.

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What is the last good book you've read?
Literal

I really enjoyed A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius a lot. I'm reading The Metaphysical Club right now because I decided it was time for me to read something that would make me smarter. I'm not sure if it's working or not.

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Who is posting under Some Dude besides me??
Some Dude
Some other dude.

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Does the fact that many of the questions to you so far are obviously masturbatory stream of consciousness sneezes rather than heartfelt queries that are at least potentially revealing / mind expanding / intended with honesty bother you?(or is any entry whatsoever useful as an opportunity to exercise wit?)
Just Asking

Sorry, I didn't read your whole question, I just couldn't seem to get past the word masturbatory.

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the answer to the meaning of life can be calculated from these small few lines of computer code.
#include
#define SIX 1 + 5
#define NINE 8 + 1
int main(){
printf( The meaning of life: %d\n", SIX * NINE );
return( 0 );
so given that, what is the meaning of life?
Patrick

I'm not sure if that's actually an intelligent, well thought out formula or if it's the geekiest 69 joke ever. Since this is My Blog Is Poop, I'm gonna have to assume the latter. So yes, 69ing is the meaning of life.

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You know if you google "Buffoon668", you'll discover a blog callled "Pastry Life: Fusion of Art, Science and Cookery." Any plans to do standup at the Recher theater?
Poopsichord

That works for me. Actually, I worked on a show a while back called "Teen People's 25 Hottest Stars Under 25" and one of the things we had to do was cast each celebrity's "Super-fans." So my great idea was to go to these fan sites and post messages on the boards about what we were doing. One of the places I posted a message was on the "Gay fans of Tom Welling" message board, which was harmless enough. Well, for about 9 months following that if you googled my name that was the first site that came up. I really hope that some people from high school wondering what I was up to found it, because it'll definitely make the ten-year reunion that much more interesting.

And as far as the Recher goes, I love that place. In college I got drunk there on several occasions, so at least I already know where the bathroom is. Make it happen, Poopsichord.

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How can we be expected to teach kids how to learn how to read if they can't even fit inside the building?
anon

I'm thinking it's going to need to be at least... 3 times this big.
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Would you rather marry LC or Jennifer Aniston? Please take into account that Jennifer is definitely better in bed, definitely on the rebound, and definitely once nailed Adam Duritz.

I guess this first question leads to a more important one, who's sloppy seconds would you want to get: Brad Pitt's or Steeeeee-PHENNNNN'S?
Ben

First things first: I'd marry Aniston. You have to break this down. Aniston is older, wiser, and has boatloads of money. LC may be cuter (in my opinion), but she probably has a distorted sense of self-importance, and more importantly she has one of those round faces that has "Freshman 15" written all over it. Because I'd be financially secure, and because what you see is what you get, I'm going with Aniston.

As far as sloppy seconds go, I'd rather follow Stephen. Like that kid knows what he's doing. And c'mon, have you SEEN Fight Club??? Me-ow.

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The internet seems to foster encyclopedic learning. What are the advantages and disadvantages of acquiring knowledge in this fashion? ie: advantage- it can be very interdisciplinary.... disadvantage- Though the context surrounding an issue under investigation is larger, time spent learning about that issue is shortened.---Thank you for your time as this has been a question on my mind since junior year of college and I am now 24.
levin

I totally wrote the perfect explanation for this but my computer crashed and I lost it. Sorry.

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michael phelps is from towson too, right?
Anonymous

Yep.

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Bob do you have a "thing" for asian chicks?
diamond

I definitely used to. I give full credit to The Karate Kid II for introducing me to Asian chicks. Being into Asian girls seems kind of cliche'd nowadays, so I've moved on to something a little more exotic: Homeless chicks.

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|
b at 2:31 PM

The Answers: Part 1 of 4

First of all, with the exception of the person who asked me which ex I would want to get back with, thank you to everybody who asked a question. I'm not going to waste any time... let's do this.

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whats the most non sexual word that turns you on? Mine is haberdashery...
A Tribe Called Jonny and Cassa

Definitely the word "No." Followed by "Stop." Is that strange?

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What colour are you nipples? Are you circumcised? Any tattoos? Piercings? Webbed toes?
Robin

Nipples - Somewhere in between Briana Banks & Heather Hunter
circumcised - Yes. Nearly twice. Here's the story.
Tattoos - None, other than the huge Thug Life across my washboard abs
Piercings - Nope
Webbed Toes - Other than being flat, the feet are fine

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how the hell do you get a job at mtv networks without being related to someone at viacom?
mia

How I got a job at mtv networks: On my 21st birthday a few friends of mine took me out to a bar called Bruxelles in Nyack, New York. One of the guys who came out, Jeff, happened to work at MTV. When I found this out I told him, "Really? I'm trying to get an internship there," which was kind of a lie because I was incredibly lazy at the time. But of course I would've loved an internship there. Anyway, Jeff replied, "Well, if you drink whatever I give you I'll pass your resume along." Now, months before I had already decided that I wanted to do 21 shots on my 21st birthday, but I figured out a sneaky way to accomplish this without killing myself. At midnight, when I officially turned 21, I was going to do 11 shots from 12 - 4 a.m. Then, that night when I went out, I would do the remaining 10 before the clock struck 12. It was brilliant, I thought. Well, things didn't quite go as planned. That first night I ended up doing 23 shots, chasing them all with Bud Lights, and didn't come close to going out the second night. I don't remember who made me drink what, but I'm pretty sure Jeff gave me a 3 wiseman at one point. Anyway, the reason I ended up with 23 is because when I went to pick up my 21st I accidentally knocked one over (shocking, right?). I insisted on doing another one with the person whose drink I spilled, so we went to the bar and did Mind Erasers. And drank a Guinness. I remember everything that night up until the ride home. Everything is gone after that. When I woke up in the morning my jacket was next to my bed, and yes, it was covered in puke. I guess somebody threw up on it, and I'm guessing that somebody was me. That day my entire family came over to celebrate my birthday. I couldn't eat a thing. Every 15 minutes I retreated to the bathroom and threw up, which was beautiful. But that night, when everybody left, I emailed Jeff my resume. And the rest, as they say, is history. So that's the moral of the story kids: Drink excessively if you want to work at MTV Networks.

note: Jeff vehemently denies this story. I'm sticking to it.

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have you ever liked a girl and then realized you were just not that into her?
sam

Yes. I went out with a girl named Regina for about a week and a half in high school, but we broke up when I found out that she didn't plan on wearing a dress to the Homecoming Dance. Unfortunately, when I got her on the phone to dump her (with my friend Dan on the other line, by the way... very classy) she saw it coming, cut me off, and said, "I'll call you back in a minute." When the phone rang I picked it up and the first thing she said was, "I think we should break up." Fuck! I was pissed, but in retrospect, you have to respect that move.

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How did your family take the news when you told them you were gay? i've always wondered, do they have women's restrooms in gay bars?
Some Dude & lauren

Thank God for gay jokes. Actually, when I (jokingly) told my mom I was gay at the age of 16 she immediately responded, "Whatever you do with your life is fine by me, you're my son and I love you." It was an obviously prepared statement that she issued a little too quickly, leading me to believe that my mom did in fact think I was gay as a kid. I guess I deserved it for watching musicals.

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Favorite Baldwin Brother?(Note: James Baldwin does not count. His real last name is D'Albora.)
Stephen Baldwin

Alec. Nobody is better at playing the role of Alec Baldwin than Alec Baldwin. And forget about all this praise being thrown at Kevin Bacon for playing a pedophile... the best pedophile ever was Alec as the Boy Scout leader with Canteen Boy.

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do you have a thing for men in corsets? If not, a thing for women in corsets? You never know.
karian

Only if it's been on Real Sex. The Real Sex series has momentarily convinced me that I've been interested in things I never thought I was interested in before, like balloon popping, underwater sex, and poetry. Turns out I just like naked women. Whew.

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How small is your penis when erect?
taylor

Oddly enough, smaller than it is flaccid.

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When are you going to start being funny on this blog?
Smartass

When are... you... gonna start being funny on this... shut up Richard.

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Laci or Amber? (and pretend for the sake of argument that you are a necro so therefore cannot take the copout "Amber is alive" answer)
Neil

First of all Neil, totally unnecessary for me to "pretend" that I'm a necro. Moving on. Laci or Amber is the new Tonya Harding or Nancy Kerrigan. The similarities are eerie. Amber/Tonya: Blonde, trashy, no upper lip. Laci/Nancy: Brunette, not necessarily attractive but not all too bad either, victims. If we're talking one night of steamy passion, I'd guess now I'd have to go with the same answer I had back in the early 90's: Amber/Tonya. Of course, I'd just have to make sure I got the hell out of there before she asked me to drive her kid to school in the morning.

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Two words: Man Crush
We all have them. Who are yours?
mr. pickles

I wrote about this here. Rhett Miller of the Old 97's, always and foreva.

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Rate the following Reality TV shows each on a scale of 1-10:
*The Restaurant - 7 - I've never seen it. I worked at TGI Fridays when I was 20, though, and I'd imagine it's something like that.
*Blow Out - 1 - I've never seen it. My roommate watches it though, so it can't be good.
*Love Is In The Heir - 1 - I've never seen it. My roommate watches this crap too.
*Real World (current season) - 3 - Two of those points go to Sarah's fake breasts, the other one is for Bon Jovi. Such a letdown following the San Diego cast (my favorite cast ever)
*Real World Vs Road Rules - 8 - The last installment was great. If Brad made it all the way to the end it would've been a 9... how do you vote out Brad??? But anyway, the game suffered because the guys were so dominant and that ruined the suspense. This series has led to more "who would you rather?" discussions than any MTV series ever.
*Growing Up Gotti - 4 - I've never seen it.
*Strange Love - 2 - I've never seen it.
*Surreal Life - 5 - Not nearly as good as the last cast, but intriguing nonetheless.
*Simple Life - 5 - I won't watch it. The way its produced reminds me of those corny USA Up All Night-type movies like The Bikini Carwash Company. It'd be slightly more enjoyable if we saw the occasional nip, that's all I'm saying.
bonus:
*Laguna Beach- 10 - Best reality show ever. How good is it? I actually don't hate that Maroon 5 song "She Will Be Love" anymore because it reminds me of the last scene where Stephen picks LC up at the airport.

I swear I'm straight.

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A headhunter called me, I don't even know how he got my name and number (he called me at home). He introduced me to his client and I am very close to getting an offer (he told me they are one to one candidate, me, and I'm meeting with the CEO next week). Now, I know that they are stealing me from my job (I don't mind it actually, I am not very happy with the way my boss works, with her style). I also suspect that they are probably excited about stealing someone from my boss (and I'm the only employee, I basically do everything so it's not going to be easy for her), she is very well-known in the industry so these people know her. I would be happy to go and the other job might offer 60% more than what I'm making now. But how do I deal with it? and my boss? (if it happens, but I'm really worried and would like to start thinking about it). Any advice?
Maria

First of all, you have to take this. Your boss is a bitch and you can make 60% more at this new job?? That's a no brainer. If I were you, here's what I'd do. I'd come up with an absolutely ridiculous proposal for her, and tell her that you're going to leave if she doesn't meet it. Tell her that you'd love to stay with her, but in order for her to keep your services she's going to have to give you a 75% raise and your own parking space. And tell her that you're also going to need the company to provide you with a crown and scepter to wear around the office. If your boss says no, leave. Hey, you gave her a shot. If she says Yes... sweet.

note: I was a mass communications major. I never took any of those pesky "business ethics" classes or anything, so I might not be the best person to give advice on this.

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What's more hairy, the shaft of a man's penis who is half italian and half jewish, or a cat's tail?
michael

I'm not sure about the hair, but they're similar in length.

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Despite the overuse and overexposure of 'All Star' by Smash Mouth, is it actually a good song?
Anonymous

"All Star" is a good song in the same way that "Petland discounts/ for the best that your pets can get" is a good song. Or the 1-800-Mattres song is a good song. The reason "All Star" can be confused with an actual "good song" is because it's so damn catchy and instantly recognizable it fools you into thinking you like it. You don't like it, it's just fucking with you. I promise.

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What's a good way to apologize for wiping your ass on someone's pillow?
drew

Pillowcase: A bottle of red wine.
No Pillowcase: Don't even bother, you won't be forgiven.

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Say you had this friend who really liked a lead singer of this certain Irish supergroup, and he totally wasn't gay, but at the same time, he totally was into the lead singer of this band and would do anything to meet him. and once over drinks he once said "and by anything, i mean ANYTHING? are we to assume that by "anything" he means gay acts, even if he specifically stated he wasn't gay? and on the same collorary, is it ok to be gay?
my friend wants to know.
dan

Hmm. By Irish supergroup I can only assume you're talking about the Pogues, to which I would say that Shane McGowan is one of the ugliest men on the planet and you have a serious problem. But yes, it is okay to be gay, but only if you're gay for the right reasons, i.e. to be funny, to get attention, to get guys to buy you drinks, etc.

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Since there seems to be a name for everything. Is there a term for the following situation? A guy is standing next to a car. A girl is sitting in the drivers seat and is sucking on the guy's penis, which has been presented to her through the open window. This situation assumes that the guy is tall or is standing on an ottoman (hassok?). Can you help? Thanks
jeterhasgrids

I believe the term is "Awesome"

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You're cast in the Surreal Life. Who's are your fantasy castmates? (And enough
with the Senico.)
Cat

Surreal Life sans Sencio? I actually put a LOT of thought into this one. If I were to be on the Surreal Life, not only would I want some fantasy castmates, but I'd want it to be the BEST Surreal Life ever. In order for that to happen, you need the ideal celebrity stereotypes. Here's what I came up with:
Corey Haim - The "I'm ready to work my way back into the spotlight" guy
Kirk Cameron - The "I'm using this show to get my message out, and my message is Jesus" guy
Elizabeth Berkley - The "I want people to see I'm not who they think I am, but after a few drinks prove them totally right" girl
The Ultimate Warrior - The "I'm completely random" guy
Kristin - The "I was on a reality TV show but nobody here knows who I am" girl. As well as the "Why won't Corey Haim leave me alone" girl.
Spindarella - The "I don't like anybody here and I have a lot of emotional baggage" girl.
And me. That's perfect.

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what kind of bellybutton do you have, an innie or an outie?
Shelley

It's an innie, and it gives me a funny feeling when I stick my finger all the way in and wiggle it around. Is there a medical reason for this?

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why didn't we get to play 'guess the karo' this week?
d

You asked a little too soon. I could tell you were concerned, though, which is why I'm working on the Guess The Karo! home board game. Or bored game is more like it!!! Get it??? (That was a Karo joke. I'm practicing)

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What's it like being the body-double for Dustin Diamond? How's the pay?
Dr. AF Fan

Well, it's much more relaxed than being the body-double for Mario Lopez, but a lot less rewarding than being the body double for Tori.

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What is Tori from Saved By The Bell doing RIGHT NOW?
dan

I'd imagine reading this blog and pumping her fist in a dude-like manner, stoked that people remember her. Either that, or she's fixing her motorcycle, because you know, she was tough.

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What ever happened to 50 cent? You never told me if you figured out whether or not he still had all of his hand in tact or not. One last one...do you like country music? I think I need to know.
Lisa

The rumor that 50 Cent lost his hand in a freak Lambourghini accident sadly proved to be false, which is a shame because I had about a dozen one-handed puns ready to go. So sad.

And as far as country music goes, I don't like real country music but I like stuff that sounds like country music. I love alt country like the Old 97's and old Wilco. I love Johnny Cash. And I love that song that goes, "I'm proud to be an American, cause at least my land is free!" or something like that. But that's about it. However, on a related note, I can't stand people that say, "I'll listen to anything but country." If I remember correctly, Klosterman tackles that in Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, so I won't elaborate. But I'm sure you can figure out why.

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Bob would you kiss Brigitte Nielsen for a full five minutes if it meant you could kiss Laguna Beach's LC for two? Please be totally honest about this one.
Curious Georgette

Tough, tough question. I initially thought, "Yeah, definitely, LC is hot!" But then as I thought about it more and more, I started to change my mind. You see, a few months ago BWE interviewed Brigitte and Flavor Flav, and I was "lucky" enough to sit in on the interview. As we were walking into the room, Brigitte grabbed my face with both of her hands and stared me in the eyes. She started making eyes at me as I nervously laughed. For one brief instant, I honestly thought she was going to kiss me... and it was terrifying. Thankfully, she got distracted by something and let me go. Remembering that, I have to go with No. I would not make out with her for five minutes to kiss LC for two. It's just too scary.

Part 2 of 4 coming soon...

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b at 11:52 AM

mr. arcade

Everybody in NY is ejaculating profusely about the Arcade Fire. Not like this is a new development; people have been going nuts for these kids for months, but with three shows in NY this week you can't avoid the Arcade Fire hype. No matter which hipster you're talking to, they all have something to say. Like, "The Arcade Fire are amaaazzzzziiiiing." or "The Arcade Fire are perfect. They're my favorite band." or "The Arcade Fire is what my brain would look like if you opened it up." or "TAF-- that's what I call them, TAF-- TAF are like, beyond brilliant." You get the idea.

Now, I know by confessing this I risk the possibility of no longer being allowed on the L train, but I just don't care about the Arcade Fire. I'll say that again. I just don't care about the Arcade Fire. I'm sorry. I don't.

Now, have I heard all of Funeral? No, I haven't. I've heard a few songs and I've liked what I heard, but that's about it. There hasn't been this intense desire to hear the rest. I'm also not purposely avoiding it to be difficult (which is what I usually tend to do). I just don't care about it. Have you ever heard that old Jon Stewart joke, (I'm paraphrasing here), "My friends in Canada always ask me what we think of them. Like, 'Hey Jon, what do Americans think about Canada.' And I just have to tell them, well... we don't. We don't think about Canada." That's how I am with the Arcade Fire.

Besides, how great could the album be? I've already figured out the perfect format for the ideal album and I've yet to find a band that delivered. Maybe somebody out there reading this could take my advice and finally make the perfect album. The tracklisting should go like this.

1. The sounds-like-nothing-else-on-the-album opener that transitions seemlessly into the second track
2. The rocking second track
3. The single
4. The overly catchy song that should be a single but isn't
5. The song to put on mixtapes for girls
6. The self-referential rock song
7. The second single
8. The instrumental track (strings a must)
9. The slow, nearly acoustic song
10. The Untitled song
11. The extra long final track that ends with a splattering of guitars

That's an album! Let's make this happen.

When it does, I'll lose my shit over a band. But in the meantime, the Arcade Fire ain't gonna cut it. Sorry guys.

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b at 3:05 PM

no post for you

Okay, I wasn't expecting 80+ questions in the comments and a handful of emails. I love you guys. In order to make sure I answer all of them, and I mean all of them, I'm not going to write anything at all today.

Except this. And this. And this. And this. And this.

(I hope you got the Family Guy reference. Thanks for all the great questions, and I'll see you tomorrow)

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b at 5:01 PM

Guess The Karo! Vol. 6

While you're thinking of questions you want me to answer, let's play another round of Guess The Karo! Because as long as he keeps writing lame columns, we're going to keep playing.

In case you're new, a reminder on how to play: The following are jokes written by "Comedian" Aaron Karo for his column on Collegehumor.com and sent out as email forwards to college students around the globe. What a lot of people fail to notice, though, is that he's incredibly unfunny. In Guess The Karo! I've copied his jokes and added 2 of my own lame punchlines imitating his style. You're gonna have to try to guess which hack line is the one that he deemed funny enough to include in his column, and which ones I made up. So, without further adieau...

(1) The other day, my mom was reading an advance copy of my new book when she came across a slang term that she didn't understand. She called me over and asked me what a "MILF" was. You know how awkward it is to explain to your mom what MILF stands for?

a) I said it really quickly then ran away.
b) I told her it was a new kind of milk endorsed by Mike Tyson.
c) I said that it was the opposite of a DILF and then hoped for the best.

(2) There's nothing worse than realizing that a monkey could do your job. It happens to everyone. You're sitting at your desk doing mindless busywork, and you think to yourself: You know what? Throw some Banana Republic khakis and a blue button-down on a chimp and he could probably do what I do.

a) Of course, I'm not sure what size khakis a chimp would wear.
b) Let's hope that companies don't figure this out, because I'd hate to lose my job to a primate.
c) Once I swear I saw the cubicle next to mine being fitted for a cage.

(3) I think what bothered me most about working was when I noticed that the space between toothbrushing was diminishing. I'd get home really late from work, brush my teeth and go to bed, and the next thing I knew, I was up really early and brushing again. And as I stood in front of the bathroom mirror one morning, half-ass brushing for the second time in five hours, I realized something very disconcerting.

a) I was putting in face time...with myself!
b) My teeth were sparkling!
c) I'm not funny!

(4) Everyone's got that friend who loves to whip out office buzzwords in completely unnecessary situations. I was in a bar recently and ran into my buddy Harlan. He spotted the beer in my hand and asked, "What's the economics on that Heineken?" I was like,

a) "I don't know man. I'm more interested on the alcoholic content."
b) "I don't know man. But I do know that talking like that won't help you get laid."
c) "I don't know man. But why are you wearing a suit in a bar...on a Saturday?"

As always, the answers are in the Comments section. Fuck me!

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b at 6:07 PM