something to think about
Remember living in a dorm? Well, I don't know about you, but our RA's were always decorating exciting! and cool! boards that lined the hallways in order to make our residence feel more like a home. Granted, I don't know many homes that have "The more you know about safe sex the better!" pasted across its foyer in multicolored cut out letters, but you know what I mean.
Anyway, my sophomore year I had one of those life changing RA's-- and by "life changing" I mean "willing to buy us beer"-- who was always putting a lot of effort into his boards, and even more effort into making us like him. Well, one night when we got back from a gourmet dinner of waffles and cereal at the dining hall we noticed that Matt Ra (as we called him) made a giant construction paper map of the United States and hung it up in our lobby. Matt was proudly standing next to it when we walked in, and he asked us, "So, what do you think we should do with this? I was thinking everybody could put a little sticker dot on the state they think they're going to end up living in. What do you guys think?"
Now remember, this was college, and in college everybody is an idiot. So, rather than go along with Matt's awesome! idea, I suggested, "Forget that. How about everybody marks off every state they've ever masturbated in, this way we can see if we fill up the whole country." Come on, I was 19, leave me alone. Well, Matt said no. We did it anyway.
When word got out what was going on with the board, everybody got excited. I was living in a tiny dorm-- 30 guys, 30 girls total-- so word spread fast. It became a game, trying to see how many we could fill up. When our hockey team had a tournament in North Dakota we were thrilled because Derek promised to do what he had to do to finally cross it off the list. When Alan and his girlfriend were visiting Kentucky we asked, "Do you think you can sneak one?" When people were planning Spring Break trips I pleaded, "Somebody has to go Oregon! We need Oregon!"
By the time Matt finally caught wind of what was up and tore the map down I think we were at 30 something states. Not bad considering I went to a state school and 97% of the people there were from New York, New Jersey, and Maryland. I'll take it.
I'm not sure what made me think of this today. Maybe it's because I've been staring at that Penthouse picture for the past 3 days, I don't know. But anyway, I just thought I'd share.
Oh, and for the record: 7. How about you?
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b at 4:24 PM
Everything I need to know in life I learned from the Penthouse magazine my roommate picked up on the way back from Maryland this weekend.
p. 13 I learned that
Make Believe is a 5-star album. Plus, the single 'Beverly Hills' has "got the classic Weezer feel and harkens back to "Undone" from the Blue Album." Suck on that,
pitchfork. Shows what you know.
p. 19 Off the coast of the Dominican Republic is a place where meeting gorgeous girls is guaranteed. "All meals, drinks, and women are included. You'll choose from nine to ten women (ages 18 to 26) who will spend their days and nights with you." It only costs $3,900, "which includes transportation, a suite, food, drinks, and 'companionship' for four days and three nights." Well, I think I know where to bring my girlfriend for our anniversary now, thanks Penthouse!
p. 22 John Kaleo from the Arena Football League informs Penthouse readers that "Orlando by far has the most flashers. They will flash at a drop of a hat. I've never been anywhere in my life where so many girls show their tits like there's no tomorrow." Because that's what you do when there's no tomorrow... apparently... you show your tits. Good to know, thanks John Kaleo!
p. 24 "Women who are up for one-night stands are usually the ones who love their bodies and dress provocatively, so zero in on a girl wearing tight clothing and lots of jewelry and makeup, and give her the attention she demands." So you know, go for the girls who look like they're "asking for it." They want a one night stand, even if they repeatedly tell you they don't. Just keep going for it.
p. 24 How to get her to try a threesome-- Step 1: "Watch
The L Word with her or rent
Kinsey... Or have her leaf through your latest copy of Penthouse and give you her opinion of the Pets." Shameless plug aside, this is brilliant! Especially the
Kinsey part! Nothing gets a girl thinking "threesome" like Liam Neeson. Nothing!
p. 25 "Get your girl panties with an internal pocket for a vibrator and a remote control. Head to a restaurant, party, or a dance club, and turn it on when she least expects it." Oh, but don't take her anywhere with extra security because "the vibrator will definitely set off metal detectors." What they don't tell you is that if you're a guy who does this you'll set off metal detectors too. Because you're a giant tool.
p. 42 Down-home hottie Carli Banks has a fantasy that "a guy will sweep everything off a table, throw me down on it, rip my clothes off, and bang me. But it hasn't happened yet." Maybe Carli should start wearing tight clothing and lots of jewelry and makeup, if you know what I mean. (I mean she should find a guy who read page 24 and is ready to physically attack her.)
p. 62 Chanel Ryan finds panties "really inconvenient." Who doesn't???
p. 85 19-year-old Penthouse Pet of the month Celeste Star said that the Penthouse shoot is the most daring thing she's ever done because, "my family is pretty conservative, so it's like, 'Ooh, I'm being bad!" To bang her point home, when you turn to page 86 she spreads eagle to show the world her bathing suit parts.
p. 136 To make your woman feel better about her vagina, shower her with compliments like "I love looking at your lucscious lips" and "you taste so good." Or buy it some ice cream. Vaginas love ice cream.
p. 140 The first line in the review for "Got Ass?" says it all:
"Major-league butt-fucking is perpetrated upon the bodies of lithe and willing Eurosluts by trash-talking Aryans with big cocks and the balls to use them." And yes, I only included this so somebody eventually arrives upon this site by googling the words "major-league butt-fucking" or "Aryans with big cocks." If you're one of the people reading this because of that, sorry about the disappointment
PERVERT!Conclusion: From vibrating panties to panty-less Pets, from Dominican prostitues to vaginal compliments, from Weezer's
Make Believe to making believe you're not intrigued by
Got Ass?, the July issue of Penthouse has it all. Pick it up if you want to become a better person... or if you're really, really lonely. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go pick up some Haagan-Daas. Tootles.
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b at 10:16 AM
Yo DJ Pump this Party
Remember the turn of the century? I do.
Everybody was looking forward to the year 2000. New Years plans were made months in advance and the entire world was looking forward to going out and celebrating this once in a lifetime event, y2k be damned.
For me, 1999 ended with a bang. I spent new year's eve in Boston that year with a bunch of close friends. My buddy Mike was attending Northeastern at the time, so Mike and his roommates decided to have a tremendous New Year's party at their apartment just off campus. It was great.
I don't remember how many people showed up... in fact, I don't remember much. I remember playing some drinking games. I remember people stacking up plastic champagne glasses and attempting to make a champagne waterfall (they failed miserably). I remember stumbling out of the apartment and heading to Faneuil Hall. I remember finding a lake that was frozen over and spending half an hour drunkenly "skating" on the lake with dozens of other wasted college kids. I remember Michelle finding a patch of thin ice and falling in said lake. I remember laughing at that. I remember chanting "Let's go Yankees!" for some unknown reason when the clock struck midnight. And I remember sharing that special moment when we went from 1999-2000 with a bunch of my closest friends. Yes, 1999 ended on a high note for me.
But the start of 2000 SUCKED.
By the time we got back to Mike's apartment the party-goers were divided into two-- those who started drinking at noon and were absolutely exhausted, and those who started late and were just getting started. I was part of the former. I definitely wanted to pass out, but since it was New Years I was willing to force myself to keep going. It wasn't going to be easy, but I knew it was possible. Then everything took a turn for the worse. Somebody put on house music. And didn't turn it off. Until 5 in the morning. It was sheer torture.
Now, I never liked house music. I had a handful of friends who went through an ecstacy phase (as people tend to do in college), and during this phase they all got into it. I didn't. In fact, I couldn't stand it, mostly because 1) it's not music, and 2) it's awful. I think those are 2 very valid reasons, don't you? After being subjected to 5 straight hours of pounding beats, glowsticks, and dance offs, I was almost ready to kill myself. What a great start to a new millenium.
Thankfully, nobody I know likes house music anymore. Once we turned 21 and had the option of going to bars rather than clubs, the desire to do ecstacy and grind one's unit into an unsuspecting girl's ass on a dance floor was replaced by the desire to get retardedly wasted and start fights with guys who were twice our size. Actually, maybe we were better off before...
But anyway. (This was a long way to go for this.) About a month ago I was IM'ing with
Alex Blagg and we were discussing our mutual distate for the house music culture. Alex wrote a hilarious post a while back titled,
"Look, Nobody Cares You're a DJ" which got linked to various message boards and resulted in Alex getting a ton of hatemail from DJs worldwide. Amazing. During the course of our conversation, going back and forth on how ridiculous most DJ's are, we decided that something had to be done. And that's how this came about:
Nobody Cares About DJsCheck it out. It's a Blagg/Poop joint. It'll be sporadically updated, and hopefully generate a ton of great hatemail that we can rag on for months and months to come.
Hope you like it.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to pop in my new Tiesto mix and dance alone in my office. Hope you don't mind.
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b at 4:18 PM
5 10 Quotes that Should have been on the AFI list of "Top 100 Movie Quotes"
"Where do you get off having tits?"-Rick Moorehouse,
Just One of the Guys"Somebody oughta kill her. Give her a (swipes finger across neck) Happy Face!" - Garbage Man,
Serial Mom"Hey McFly you bojo. Those boards don't work on water!"
"Unless you got power!"- Biff's friends,
Back To The Future II"Daniel... with an L!"- Daniel,
The Karate Kid"This party sucks, they don't even have any chips. Chips! Chips! Chips!"- Frat guy,
PCU
updated "I want you inside me."- Coop,
Wet Hot American Summer"Look at these teepees we have. Because... we are Indians."- Chief,
Cannibal The Musical"Those aren't Spirit Fingers. THESE are spirit fingers. And these are gold."- Sparky,
Bring it On"Weeze the juice."-Link,
Encino Man"I'm not going to take advice from someone who broke their neck trying to suck their own dick."- Peter,
8 Days A Week
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b at 4:07 PM
fun with google image searches
Google Image Search: "Hot," first result
If you asked me what I thought was "hot" I wouldn't know where to begin. From approximately the age of 9 on I've found so many thing hot that if I tried to list them all we'd run out of internet. The list would be filled with the obvious (two girls going at it), the obscure (the girl in Kevin Arnold's French class in The Wonder Years), and the odd (I saw a really hot girl at a bar with a fake leg once. The fake leg was hot). But you know what wouldn't be on the list? Two average girls playing a motorcycle video game at a cheesy arcade. I'm sorry, that just doesn't do it for me. Does that make me a freak?
Google Image Search: "Sexy," first result
Her eyes: You want to fuck me. I know you do. You can't help but stare at my full, moist lips and imagine them wrapped around your you-know-what. You're in awe of my amazing rack. You want to touch them, don't you? You'd give anything in the world for me to just get on top of you and ride you all night long... and you know what? I just might.
His eyes: I really hope this chick doesn't have a dick.
Google Image Search: "Beautiful," first result
His reaction? Beautiful. Her reaction? Beautiful. Doggy style? Beautiful. I see absolutely nothing wrong with this.
Google Image Search: "Handsome," first result
Man, I am handsome. I don't know what it is today, but I am looking GOOD. Is it the fact that I'm having a great hair day? Is it that this shirt is not only slimming but also makes my shoulders look broad? Is it my brand new tan? I don't know! Whatever it is, it's working. I'm not going to lie to you, this morning when I was masturbating on the toilet, I was thinking of ME. I swear! God, I'm handsome. Now, can you pass me a drumstick? Thanks.
Google Image Search: "Wonderful," first result
You motherfucker. You're goddamned lucky I don't have thumbs or I'd take a picture of your stank crotch every time you dropped down and 'got your eagle on' you fucking slut. Go ahead, take the picture. I don't even want to know what you're going to do with it when I leave the room. But you better not put it on the internet or I swear to god I will bite your fucking clit off. Test me. Fucking test me.
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b at 4:10 PM
if
If I could have any job in the world I'd want to be the guy who decides how to make homeless people uncomfortable. "Put some bumpy stuff there. Add a spike to make sure they can't lay down on that. Build that entire thing on a slant." Etc.
If I could eliminate one phrase from the English language it would be "smoking butts."
If I was ever photographed riding a mechanical bull I would spend as much as $300 to make sure that nobody ever saw the evidence.
If I had two retarded children I would name them Paddington and Marmaduke.
If I was ever added to list of "blogebrities" I would email them and request to be taken off it.
If I lost my iPod I would punch something hard.
If I lost my cell phone I would instantly lose contact with 91% of the people in it.
If I found a $100 bill on an empty street I would justify every purchase I made for the next 2 weeks with the logic "it's found money." The amount of money I spend with far exceed the $100, but I would pretend that I didn't realize that.
If I was ever tricked into eating a mushroom I would never speak to the person who did it ever again. Because
If I ever ate a mushroom I would die-- I'm certain of this. (they're disgusting)
If I was a professional baseball player, my coming-to-bat song would be "Can A Nigga Get A Table Dance?"
If I could go back in time and stop myself from buying just one record I would choose "Redhead" by Bleu.
If I was ever serving time in prison I would immediately start a rumor that I had full blown AIDS in order to discourage anal rape.
If I never heard Meatloaf's "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)" again I would be a happier person.
If I had to eat a baby I'd probably prefer an Asian baby.
And if I was ever really tired on a Monday and had no idea what to post about, I would probably make a list. Just a hunch.
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b at 5:38 PM
Guess The Karo! Vol. X
Wow, can you believe it? We've arrived at the 10th official
Guess The Karo. I want you all to give yourselves a round of applause. Congratulations guys, we did it!
In honor of the historic Tenth Edition I brought in a couple of guest Karo's to mix things up a bit. Comedians
Alex Blagg and
Dave Rubin.
So this
Guess The Karo is going to be a little different than the one's you've grown accustomed to. You're still going to have to try to guess which punchlines are actually
Aaron Karo's, but you're also going to have to try to pick out which ones are mine, which ones are Blagg's, and which ones are Dave's. To make life a little easier, the answers will be consistent. Like, for example, all the a's will be mine, all the b's will be Blagg's, the c's Karo, and d's Dave. Like that, but different. And now, our guests:
Blagg: I'm honored to be helping out with this week's
Guess the Karo, and I'll tell you why. Aaron Karo is an unsung genius. His nearly obvious observations on life and his ability to take the mundane and not really do anything with it -- well, it's just...something. He's like the Andy Kaufman of semi-famous Internet comedians. I think mediocrity is the new excellence, and Karo is blazing the trail. Reading his latest list ruminations, there were at least two points where I laughed so hard I almost made a noise. I'm a big fan, and proud to be able to participate in this good-natured-ribbing of a comedy powerhouse like Karo. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go ruminate on something.
Dave: I chose to participate in the Poop
Guess the Karo because Bob asked me to and I never say no to anything anyone ever asks me. Actually, I chose to participate because as a standup comic here in NYC for the past 7 years I've seen every side the comedy world has to offer. There are all kinds cheap tricks and smoke and mirrors that comics and wannabee's alike can use so that you'll think they are funny. However, the real authentic voices usually are the guys who are out there busting their ass every night to reinvent, retool and repair what they did the night before. I don't have a mailing list of several thousand people, nor a sitcom pilot, nor a pair of shoes bought within the last year. However, I did buy a 5 pack of Trident gum yesterday, so it's not like things aren't going well for me. Chew on that, Karo!
Now, without futher adieu, I bring you the latest
Guess The Karo. Best of luck
(1) I hypothesize that the amount of money that chicks spend on clothes, waxing, shoes, and handbags is roughly equivalent to the amount of money that dudes spend on chicks. If guys were actually into shopping, it'd throw off the whole balance. But we're definitely not. Case in point: at the airport on the way to Columbus, I showed my driver's license with a photo of me taken in 1996 at the checkpoint.a) The security guard could tell that I was clean, even though the flannel shirt I wore in the picture wasn't!
b) I looked down and realized I was wearing the exact same shirt as in the picture.
c) And I realized I should've had my eyebrows waxed that day.
d) The security guard shook his head and muttered, "Douchebag." I responded by saying, "Excuse me!" and he replied, "I said I need to check your bag."(2) You know when someone walks out of an elevator and doesn't expect to see you standing right there and they look up and get all startled for a second? a) It's like, hello, you're walking out of an elevator, what were you expecting?
b) I love that.c) If this was 1987 even Jerry Seinfeld would've skipped this obvious observationd) Sometimes I wonder if they're not startled at all, instead just intimidated by my overwhelming sense of humor, and afraid they won't be able to match up!(3) You think every time an NBA player goes to the movies... a) people offer them money not to sit in front of them? How much would that suck to have to look around Tim Duncan all night?b) the person behind him moans, "Oh man!"?c) he coincidentally sits next to someone he fathered?
d) they disturb the other patrons, on account of the fact thay NBA players are traditionally taller, and therefore could obstruct the view of the other people in the theater?(4) Were you aware that those two little dots that sometimes appear over the letters 'a' and 'o' in German words are actually called an "umlaut"? a) I think it's strange that the word umlaut doesn't have an umlaut in it.
b) I totally thought it was called "You know, that Motley Crue symbol thingy."c) Those crazy Germans with their little dots and their genocides.
d) Isn't that crazy?!? Germans are so weird.
(5) I just saw a commercial for Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. a) What will they think of next?
b) And I thought to myself, wow, I have absolutely no idea what that could possibly taste like!
c) Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper? Sounds like a doctor who does transgender surgery.
d) I mean, what is the deal with THAT? It's like, pick a flavor! You know what I'm saying? You know what I mean?
And finally, I'm going to end this historic
Guess The Karo with a very special IM I got the other day from a guy who goes to Michigan:
Michigan Dude: i just gotta say, your blog is hilarious. karo fucking sucks.
buffoon 668: thanks a lot man. keep on spreading the word
Michigan Dude: actually, my uncle told me about the blog after i bought karo's book. I returned it after reading your blog.
buffoon 668: that's the greatest thing i've ever heard. thank you.As always, the answers are in the Comments section. Thank you,
Alex &
Dave for contributing, and thank you all for playing. Fuck me!
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b at 1:23 PM
fashion UPDATE!!!
Breaking news everybody. I hope you're ready for it. Here it comes:
The hairy chest is BACK!You heard me right, people. It's back and better than ever. For the first time since 1979, being hairy is IN! And it. is. FABULOUS!
Goodbye slick and shiny
Brad Pitt, hello furry and fuzzy
Burt Reynolds!From coast to coast naturally hairy men are throwing away their bic razors and all things Nair and embracing this new trend. Meanwhile, the hairless are drinking their milk and eating their vitamins and praying at night that when they awake they will be blessed with a torso full of glorious black hair.
Since the announcement that hairy chests are all the rage, Hollywood's biggest stars have jumped on the bandwagon pecs-first. Bare-chested studs like
Adam Brody and
Leonardo DiCaprio have been spotted stocking up on Propecia and Rogaine, no doubt to smear all over their disgustingly barron upper bodies. While already hairy hunks like
Mel "Our Savior" Gibson and
Ben "The Bear" Affleck have gone from "so over" to "come on over" just like that!
And who do we have to thank for this cultural shift? Why, Bob, of course! By proclaiming that hairy chests are "in" it marks the most spectacular shift in what society finds attractive since he declared 6-pack abs "fucking retarded" back in '99. Way to go Bob!
So this summer, forget about the fake tans and the shiny pecs. If you want the most bodacious bod on the beach, be bushy, or nobody will like you!
(This message was brought to you by Bob, and dedicated to all his Italian and Jewish brothers around the globe)
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b at 4:25 PM
Popeye, now there was a great man. Do you want to know why?
I make no secret that one of my favorite movies of all time is 1992's
"Airborne." It had it all:
--A young Seth Green as the crazy cousin Wiley.
--A young Jack Black as one of the bad-ass hockey dudes who befriends our hero in the end.
--Mrs. Poole from "The Hogan Family" and Mr. Dewey from "Saved by the Bell" as Wiley's mom & dad.
--Incredible dialogue like, Mitchell: "What's up, bra?" Jack Black: "Did he just call me a piece of women's underwear?"
--An amazing "we're getting ready to go out" montage to Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy."
--A thrilling climactic rollerblading race down a tremendous hill dubbed "Devil's Backbone."
--And finally, it had the best leading man of any teen movie EVER. Mitchell, played by
Shane McDermott.
Every guy who first saw "Airborne" between the ages of 10-15 wanted to BE Mitchell. He had that cool, laid back California attitude. Chicks loved him. He was a killer skater/surfer. And oh yeah, chicks LOVED him.
What made Mitchell awesome wasn't just the fact that he was good looking and cool. No. Mitchell was so great that he made everybody around him cooler just by association. Look at his cousin Wiley. Even Wiley was tapping ass by the end of the movie, and that would have never happened without his guidance. Watching "Airborne" at the age of 12, I didn't even delude myself with thoughts of someday being as cool as Mitchell, I just wanted to KNOW someone like Mitchell.
One of the amazing things about the character of Mitchell is that nobody in Hollywood... or wherever they filmed it... could have played that part other than Shane McDermott. Nobody. Shane was like Jonathan Brandis and Jordan Cattalano all rolled in one. He. was. awesome. In 1992 I would've bet a closet full of
Z Cavaricci's that he'd go on to be a huge star. I'm glad I didn't.
After "Airborne," Shane disappeared. Never to be heard from again... until now.
This morning
Dan IM'd with big news. He found Shane. In Texas of all places... selling Real Estate.
Here.
Wow.
Further research revealed that not only is he selling real estate, but he's also
quite a painter as well. I'm not kidding when I say that I plan on purchasing one of these so I can hang it in my home one day and tell people that it's "an original McDermott... you know, from 'Airborne.'"
Well, Shane looks happy. And that makes me happy too. I wish you the best Shane. And I want you to remember why Popeye was a great man-- because his motto was "I am who I am." Don't you ever forget that.
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b at 11:54 AM
I'm not looking down your shirt
Okay, listen... I wasn't looking down your shirt.
I know you probably don't believe me. From your perspective it probably appeared that I was looking down your shirt. But no. I wasn't. I wasn't looking down your shirt. Seriously.
See, I'm the type of guy that when I'm on the subway I find myself looking around a lot. Hey, I'm a people watcher, sue me! But yeah, when you looked up I just so happened to be looking in your direction... specifically, in the direction of your breasts, but I assure you that I wasn't concentrating on them. My eyes were still in the process of surveying the scene, but as luck would have it you just happened to notice them at the exact second they were pointed your way. What a coincidence, huh?
I'm not a pervert. In all honesty, I'm actually more of an 'ass man' if you want to get personal about it. As an ass man, why would I try to look down your shirt when there are plenty of round, beautiful asses for me to gawk at here on the F train? Look at that Spanish girl over there with the perfect ass. Which one, you ask? My point exactly. There's a plethora of fine booty for me to check out, so if I wanted to be perverted and get my rocks off that would be my method of choice. Granted, you happen to have large, perky, beautiful breasts... but honestly, that's not my cup of tea.
It must be annoying carrying those things around all day. I can only imagine. Guys staring at them. Checking them out. Trying to look down your shirt while you're leaning over and fishing your iPod out of your purse. It must be awful. I sympathize. Or is it, 'I empathize?' I get confused.
So I'm glad we cleared that up. I wouldn't want you to think that I was another one of those skeezy guys who gets their jollies by oogling women and making them uncomfortable. I'm totally not. If I wanted to make you uncomfortable I would have probably said something like, "Got milk?" or "Excuse me miss, are melons in season right now?" You know, something sleazy but funny like that. But I would never say anything like that, I was raised by women... so I'm sensitive and shit.
You do have beautiful breasts though.
Where are you getting off? I'm taking this up to 49th Street, but I'm not in a rush or anything. If you wanted I could always get off with you and escort you to wherever you're going to, you know, make sure other guys don't do or say anything obscene. It is a low cut shirt after all, and I know how terrible guys can be sometimes. So what do you say?
What? My eyes did
not just drop down when I said that. I was looking you in the eyes, I'm positive. You're just being paranoid. I did
not just do it again! Well, maybe I wouldn't be doing it if you had the dignity to cover those things up. I mean, they're just poking out begging to be stared at. I'm just a man, what do you want from me? If you didn't want guys to stare at them you shouldn't have worn that shirt. Especially without a bra.
Well I'm getting off here. Sorry for that little outburst. Can I get your number? No? That's cool. Yeah, I wouldn't want to have to tell our kids that their parents met on the subway anyway, right? Ha ha ha ha ha. Ahhhhh. Okay.
Nice tits.
Bye!
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b at 2:27 PM
My Field of Dreams
Last summer when I was out in San Diego with a few friends we caught a Padres game. At one point in the game they posted a stat on the Jumbotron about how Adam Eaton struck out the side on 9 straight pitches, a feat that isn't accomplished very often in baseball. Of course, being that we're idiots, we immediately started comparing Adam Eaton to Brandon Fraser in "The Scout." Naturally.
The thing is, we didn't stop there. We spent the remainder of the game talking about "The Scout," as well as every other baseball movie we could think of. And then the question was posed:
If you had to make the perfect baseball team from movie characters, who would you choose?Of course rules had to be established before we went on. Here's what we came up with.
1. You cannot pick actual real ballplayers being portrayed in movies. In those cases, rather than getting the athlete who's portrayed you're getting the actor who's playing him. For example, you can't get Roger Maris from 61*, but you can get Barry Pepper.
2. Players must be limited to people from baseball movies. The Seattle Mariner that Angelina Jolie dated in "Life or Something Like It" is not eligible... not that you'd want to pick him anyway, but I'm just saying.
3. You only get one Costner. You can't have Costner pitching and Costner catching. This is known as
The Costner Clause.
4. You can't pick real baseball players playing baseball players. This goes from Babe Ruth in "Pride of the Yankees" to Keith Hernandez in "The Scout."
5. And finally, most importantly, no monkeys.
Simple enough. After a year of kicking this around, I decided it was time to buckle down and figure it out. So here it is, a year in the making. My Fantasy Movie Baseball Team.
C - Crash Davis - "Bull Durham"Not surprisingly, Catcher was one of the deepest movie positions. You have Tom Berenger in "Major League," Geena Davis in "A League of Their Own," and Rube in "Major League II." However, you have to go with Crash Davis for his leadership skills. He's Joe Girardi-esque: a good hitter, can't run, knows how to handle a young pitching staff, and hits in the clutch. For that reason he beats out Berenger and Rube. He beats out Davis because she's a chick.
1B - Jack Elliott - "Mr. Baseball"Sure, he's a little washed up and past his prime, but Tom Selleck was able to come back from a slow first half in Japan (hitting .200 at the break) to completely dominate the league and earn himself a new contract with the Detroit Tigers. Like Roger Clemens has proven, sometimes age doesn't matter. Selleck narrowly beats out Timothy Busfield in "Little Big League," a solid 1B who you could count on for Mark Grace-type numbers.
2B - Micky "Domo" Dominguez - "Summer Catch"Only because he's played by Wilmer Valderamma and Wilmer Valderamma scores sweet tail.
3B - Doris Murphy - "A League of Their Own"Rosie O'Donnell playing the hot corner. She's a five tool player, but only if you consider "being disgusting," "talking like a man," and "eating box" tools.
SS - Dennis Ryan - "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" Let's just say that having Frank Sinatra in Short is going to help your team one way or another. Like, if you're facing a tough Left hander that your team might not be able to handle, let's just say that Frank could probably make a phone call or two to insure that he won't be pitching that day, if you catch my drift. Also, the man can DANCE!
OF - Roy Hobbs - "The Natural"Not only is he one of the greatest baseball characters ever, he's also a big draw who will bring fans out to the ballpark. And he's clutch.
OF - Willie Mays Hayes - "Major League II"By the second Major League movie, the super-talented Willie Mays Hayes is able to get his act together. He even starts hitting homeruns. I know it's sacreligious to take Omar Epps over Wesley Snipes, but believe me, I have a good reason...
OF - Bobby Rayburn - "The Fan"By finding a loophole in the Costner Clause I was able to sneak 2 Wesley Snipes characters into what is now a Snipes-tastic outfield! Bobby Rayburn is a superstar centerfielder-- a centerfielder so good that an overacting Robert DeNiro has no choice but to kidnap him. Assuming you can keep DeNiro away, Rayburn is a great addition to any team.
Bench - Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez "The Sandlot"The Jet's stealing home! The Jet's stealing home! I can't think of a better guy to come off the bench in a pinch running situation-- this guy has legs.
SP - Steve Nebraska - "The Scout"81 pitches, 81 strikes. Perfect game. And, for the record, the least believable feat in any sports movie EVER. The best part is the end, though. Apparently the producers weren't able to get any legitimately powerful MLB players to make a cameo, so they're stuck with Ozzie Smith. The announcer is forced to compensate by saying, "Ozzie Smith, who's been experiencing a power surge as of late." That's almost less believable than the 81 straight strikes thrown by Brendan Fraser.
SP - Henry Roengartner - "Rookie Of The Year"The kid was unstoppable in his prime, and by "prime" I mean "every game up until the one that mattered." But even then he was able to strike a guy out by pitching softball style, which is more than Lori Petty was ever able to do.
SP - Jack "Deuce" Cooper - "Ed"Say what you will about Matt LeBlanc in this movie, with the help of a monkey he was able to throw a no-hitter. I know I said "no monkeys," but I think it's safe because the monkey isn't actually playing. He's just a mentor. And who wouldn't want a monkey mentor?
SP - Jim Bowers - "Little Big League"I'm doing this as a favor, because Jonathan Silverman could use the work. The man hasn't been seen since "The Single Guy" got the axe.
SP - Mel Clark - "Angels in the Outfield"Because when Tony Danza is your fifth starter you know you're going to win a championship.
Closer - Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn - "Major League"Like Mariano Rivera, Wild Thing brings the heat and makes opposing batters uncomfortable. And he's got a bitchin' Mohawk. He's my guy.
Coach - Conor O'Neill - "Hard Ball"I mean, did you see "Hard Ball?" Me neither. But from what I gathered by the trailers, Keanu Reeves is a no-nonsense guy who was able to round up a group of rag tag kids and turn them into champions. THAT'S what this team needs. It needs Keanu. Forget about the kid from "Little Big League," forget about Danny Glover, and forget about a drunken Tom Hanks. Keanu is the only coach who could make this a championship team. Whoa.
So that's it. And yes, the reason there hasn't been a post in 2 days is because it's taken me that long to do the necessary research to write this. I am a loser.
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b at 6:21 PM
how to appear in a hipster photoblog
-- Don't look directly at the camera, look off to the side as if to indicate that something really cool is happening. But please, don't be excited that something cool is happening.
-- If you MUST look at the camera, be sure to make a pouty/kissy face. And don't try to be ironic, it won't translate.
-- Anybody can kiss a member of the opposite sex, only cool people can pull of same sex kisses. Caution: Ladies, don't look like you're into it, otherwise you might end up on Collegehumor instead... and you don't want that.
-- Show your breasts. And don't forget be angry/disinterested while doing so. Once again, you don't want to come off like a drunken sorority girl who's doing it for attention. They're sluts, you're unique and artsy.
-- Guys, show
your breasts. More specifically, show your breast (singular). Try to go with the one-handed shirt lift for maximum effect. Oh, and if you look bored while doing so you'll appear to be making a social statement... or something.
-- Stand next to James Iha.
-- Look terrified, like you've never had your picture taken before. Channel the Amish for inspiration.
-- If you have sunglasses... and you're inside... and it's nighttime... wear them. Totally.
-- When in doubt, grab the nearest breast.
-- If you're the DJ, make it look like you're actually doing something technical. Like pretend to adjust the tempo, or hold your headphones to one side to let people know that you're cueing up your next sick track.
-- Cigarettes : Hipsters :: Wheelchairs : Cripples.
Don't leave home without them.-- If you're black, look angry. In order to pull this off you need to remember two things: 1) Keep a white girl nearby to show that everything is okay, and 2) Make sure you're not wearing something ghetto-y, otherwise you'll look like you walked into Luke & Leroy's on the wrong night.
-- Not sure what you're going to wear? Who needs a shirt when you can always just tape x's over your nipples? It's both practical and affordable.
-- You know that little straw they give you to mix your drinks? Drink out of it. It gives you an excuse to suck in your cheeks.
-- If you're ever 6-12 inches away from a vagina, make sure you stick your tongue out.
-- And finally, if you have no idea what I'm talking about, just click
here,
here, or
here, and I think you'll catch on pretty quickly. Happy raving!
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b at 5:32 PM
the my blog is poop ying-yang
Sencio/Karo.
One represents all that is good in the world, one, all that is not good.
Thank you to
Patrick for creating this masterpiece and sending it in. I'm in awe.
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b at 3:41 PM
the going rate
We've all said it: "I wouldn't sleep with so-and-so for a million bucks." Right? Who hasn't said that at some point or another about a celebrity, a classmate, or an extended family member? We all have.
It's funny though, because I've found that when it actually comes down it, everybody has a going rate. And surprisingly it's never what you think.
For example, I asked a friend of mine how much I would have to pay him to sleep with Rosie O'Donnell. He pondered it for a couple of minutes, asking the usual questions.
"Can I be drunk?" No.
"Do I have to touch her?" Yes.
"Do I have to do... everything?" You have to do what you have to do.
"But what if I can't..." You have to do what you have to do. He did the math in his head, and soon arrived at $25,000.
"Okay," I said. "What if I told you I had $10,000 cash, right now if you did it. $10,000 cash. Would you do it?" He thought for a moment... Yes. "I have $8,000. You can walk out of this room right now with $8,000. Would you do it?" ...Yes. $7,000? No, too low. $7,500? Yes, but that's the absolute lowest. I talked him down from $25,000 to $7,500 in just a matter of seconds, and honestly, I could have probably gotten him even lower if I tried.
There are a ton of people out there that most guys say they wouldn't touch, however, when it comes down to it, if the money was right, they would.
Like
Ted DiBiase said, everybody has a price. Here are a few.
Rosie O'Donnell
Let's stick with Rosie for a moment, because in all honesty, she's the person who inspired this post. I was looking at the picture of her they had up on
Defamer and thought, "I wouldn't fuck Rosie for a million bucks." She's overweight, she's scary looking, and-- I don't know if you've noticed this-- but she's not the least bit feminine. She'd be fucking me. But then I imagined the money on the table, and that made everything different.
My First Instinct: $1 million
Actually: $13,750
Difference: -$986,250
Judy Dench
The Dame may be up there in years, but she's really not that bad looking. In fact, she's not bad at all. But let's be serious here people, unless you're a sick fetishist nobody wants to bang the elderly. Not even elderly men. That being said, though, it wouldn't be
that bad.
First Instinct: $5,000
Actually: $800
Difference: -$4,200
Star Jones
Star Jones is just... terrifying. Just imagine her naked and licking her neck... or she's on top kissing her way down your chest... or you're... I'm sorry, I can't continue this.
First Instinct: $500,000
Actually: $499,995
Difference: $-5
Courtney Love
You know, there was a time when I probably would have paid to be with Courtney rather than the other way around. Well, times have changed. She's haggard, she's an ex-junkie, she's scary... granted, she's kind of cool... but she's still Courtney Love. And chances are, whatever she's harboring inside that vagina could kill you.
First Instinct: $5,000
Actually: $11,000
Difference: +$6,000
Mary-Kate Olsen
Right now you're thinking, "Are you kidding me, I'd have to pay you to sleep with Mary-Kate??? Yeah right!" Well... yeah, right. Look at her! She's not the cute 17 year-old that set off thousands of 18th birthday countdowns around the world anymore. She's scary looking. She's freaky. And honestly, at some point while you're doing it you're going to think about "Full House" and that's sick.
First Instinct: $100
Actually: Free,but you'd better throw in Ashley
Difference: -$100, +A twin
Anybody in the WNBA
At least with the celebrities you can laugh about it with your friends later on in life. This would just be plain sick.
First Instinct: League Average- $1,423.75
Actually: League Average - $367.11
Difference: -$1056.64
Michael Jackson
First Instinct: I've never actually thought about it.
Actually: I'm sure we could settle it out of court.
Difference: Push
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b at 1:23 PM
shoes are so 2k2
So in case you haven't heard, bloggers far and wide are going bananas, b-a-n-a-n-a-s, over this
Nike blogger design contest. "Vote for me!" they say. "Vote for my Nike!" You know what I say?
Fuck Nike.There's a much better competition going on right now, and if you don't know about it, then well, I guess you're not the A-List
Blogebrity you thought you were.
What is it?
The Tampax Blogger-Designed Tampon Contest. 
It's true. I don't know why, but out of the gazillion bloggers in this congested blogosphere, Lindsay
Lindsayism and I were selected to run this thing. Crazy, right?
If you want to enter, just save the photo onto your desktop, design the shit out of it, and email it to me at
MyBlogisPoop@gmail.com. The winner gets a lifetime supply of Tampax... or nothing at all. I never bothered to read the fine print.
So far there are only 2 entries, and here they are:
Lindsay's
"Super-hip LES Neckface" Tampon
And my
"Seacrest, OUT" TamponDo you think you have what it takes to beat those? There's only one way to find out.
May the best Tampon win.
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b at 2:42 PM
