myblogisPoop

i got nothing...

but this is the first thing that shows up when you google the world "hilarious." Just thought you should know.

Have a great weekend.

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b at 1:45 PM

How to Drink Alone

- DON'T tell anybody about it. If you do, you risk the possibility that a friend might say, "Oh, you're drinking? Cool! I'll drop by. Want me give Mike a call, I'm sure he'll be down too." Then suddenly you're no longer drinking alone, you're entertaining people. And that sucks.

- DON'T drink beer. It's wasteful. You're going to have to drink a lot of it to get drunk, so chances are you're going to get bored with the concept of drinking alone before you actually start to feel it. Beer is a friend drink, whiskey is an alone drink. Remember that.

- DON'T drink wine. Unless you're sleeping outside. And drinking it out of a paper bag. Then it's cool.

- DO occupy your mind with something else while drinking. The thought, "I'm drinking alone" gets depressing after a while, so make sure you have something else to concentrate on. Sports work. As do movies. But do not, I repeat, DO NOT watch porn. The combination of drinking alone plus doing something else alone has the potential to depress you to the point of no return. And it's not pretty.

- DON'T go through old photo albums. Don't start rummaging through that junk drawer. Don't start thinking about high school and college. Actually, don't even think about what you were doing earlier that day either, it can only depress you. You know what was more fun that sitting by yourself drinking Jack out of a coffee mug, Tony Almeida-style? Everything.

- DO try writing something. Even if you don't consider yourself a writer. Just grab a pen and some paper and go to it. It doesn't even matter what you write: poems, short stories, essays, a great American novel. Whatever. Most of our greatest authors were drunks, and now you're just like them! Go for it!

- DON'T listen to music by the following artists: Radiohead, Travis, Arcade Fire, Counting Crows, Sufjan Stevens, or the Venga Boys. Especially not the Venga Boys.

- DO listen to George Thoroughgood. And relate.

- DO read something. Like a book. It will make you feel productive, like you're not wasting your life away by drinking alone. You're drinking alone AND getting smarter. It's a win-win.

- DO devote some time to staring out your window up at the sky like Fievel from "An American Tail." But don't start singing that fucking song... unless of course you're so drunk that it will make you laugh.

- DON'T blog while you're drinking alone. You'll only embarrass yourself. That's what livejournals are for.

- Finally, DON'T even blog about drinking alone. Because inevitably people will start pitying you, even if the idea for the post came from a friendly conversation about purchasing a flask and NOT from the act of actually drinking alone. I swear.

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b at 11:27 AM

the New York Post gave me an erection on the subway yesterday

It's true.

I can't keep it from you any longer.

The New York Post gave me an erection on the subway yesterday. There was nothing I could do about it.

I was on my way to work, listening to The Postal Service on my iPod, and making my way through New York's favorite daily tabloid. I breezed through the sports section. Worked my way through the news. Thumbed through the editorials and the business section. And then I arrived upon the New York Pulse. And that's when it happened.

An erection.

And here's why.

Now, upon first glance that looks innocent enough. Just an attractive woman holding a handful of bras. Maybe at the age of 14 that would've been enough to get a rise, but certainly not at the age of 25. But look closer...

Now correct me if I'm wrong, but those are nipples. Big ones. And a whole lot of them. I did the math, and I realized I was looking at 30% of a nipple on the left, and a solid 47% of a nipple on the right. That's an astounding 77% nipple! In the New York Post! At 9:30 in the morning! I think it's safe to say that I just wasn't ready for that.

Right now I'm sure you think I'm a pervert. How did I notice them? Was I looking for them? Seeking them out? If they were so noticeable, how come nobody else has commented on it? I have no clue. I spent all of Monday confused, bewildered, walking around like I just saw a ghost that nobody else saw. Maybe I dreamt up the whole thing. Maybe there weren't really nipples in the Post. Maybe... maybe...

Nope. It was real. I knew it.

And that's why I had an erection on the F train. But don't judge. I'm just a man, what do you want from me?

Some might say that it was a victimless crime. I'm apt to agree. There were only two real victims on that fateful Monday morning. The poor lady sitting directly in front of me. And this woman.

You have to love the New York Post. You just have to.

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b at 1:52 PM

everything you need to know about laguna beach

With season 2 of the My Blog is Poop endorsed show Laguna Beach premiering tonight, I thought I would do you all a favor and bring you up to speed with everything you need to know. As indicated in the title of this post. So here we go.

Laguna Beach is real.
No, it doesn't look real. And no, the kids don't act real. But it's real. Not real real, but like, reality show real. That's good enough for me.

The show is so meta.
At one point last season the girls of Laguna Beach were sitting around watching an episode of the O.C. Now, Laguna Beach has dubbed itself "the real OC." So here were the real O.C. kids watching an episode of the fake O.C... in which actors portray characters who are meant to reflect people in the real O.C. Oh, and then, on the fake O.C, they made fun of a show which called itself the real O.C. Wait, what? I think I just confused myself. Thankfully, they don't get into meta discussions on the show, because that would interfere with "bikini time."

The girls of the real O.C. are hot
I know, I'm gross, they're young. But still. It's hard to view these kids as young and pure when all they do for the duration of the season is get drunk and hook up with people. So you really can't get mad at guys for sexualizing them. (Can you tell I've been working on that defense? I may need it in court someday).

But yes, the girls of Laguna Beach are hot. I'm not sure how many characters will be introduced this season, or who will be focused on beyond Kristin, but last season revolved around Kristin and her rival LC. I say rival, because these two blonde strumpets were both competing for the same guy. Rather than getting into the dynamics of it, I'm just going to say one thing and I'm sure you'll be able to figure everything out from there. Kristin was Ginger, LC was Mary Ann. You do the math.

All women hate Kristin.
Guys over the age of 18 can't admit they think Kristin is hot because women will think you're a pedophile. (That, and they'll know that you're a grown man watching Laguna Beach, which is never good.) Now, guys under the age of 18 can't admit they like Kristin either because she embodies everything that teenage girls hate about other teenage girls. Saying you like Kristin is the kiddie version of admitting you love Pamela Anderson. Guys, go ahead and love her, but when your girlfriend asks you have to say you're an LC guy. It's the only way to live.

The guys of Laguna Beach are tools
Last season I initially had a hard time believing Stephen was the big stud of Laguna. However, over the course of the year he won me over (in a heterosexual way, naturally). This year, it looks like they're trying to pass off Talan as the big stud. I'm not biting. You're telling me in a neighborhood full of surfers and athletes and kids with plastic surgeon parents this is the best you can do? Laguna please.

Laguna Beach makes you like songs you really don't like
At the end of Season 1 when Stephen picks LC up at the airport and they have a "moment"... with Maroon 5's "She Will Be Love" blasting in the background... I kind of enjoyed it. And now, when that song comes on the radio, I almost want to listen to it.

Oh, and the Hilary Duff song in the opening is phenomenal. I considered making it my ringtone. I should have.

Every once in a while, these completely unrelatable kids do something you can relate to
I never had a mansion on a hill that overlooked the ocean. And I never threw a formal "Black & White" party at a hotel because I wanted to. And I didn't organize a fashion show in high school to showcase clothing I designed. But when I was a senior I did sit around with my good friends and say things like, "Guys, can you believe this is the last time we're all going to be hanging out like this?" and openly question what the future was going to be like. So that's kind of cool to see. You know?

High school kids are ridiculous
Expanding on what I just said, these kids help you remember how absolutely clueless and ridiculous you were in high school. Everything is life or death. Everything is such a big deal: relationships, grades, friendships. Even if somebody walked in the door and said, "Listen, high school is a joke. You're going to go to college, you're going to make new friends, you're going to move on from this place, and ultimately you're going to laugh at yourself for taking everything so seriously some day," these kids wouldn't believe it. And neither did you, when you were 17. And that's hilarious.

Finally, I know something you don't know
I've been told by somebody 'in the know' that, "If the first season of Laguna Beach was 90210, this season is Melrose Place. And if that doesn't get you watching tonight, I don't know what will.

We'll discuss later.

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b at 1:03 PM

more fun with google image searches: real life movie characters

Terry Griffin, Just One of the Guys

Joyce Hyser looked pretty believable as a man, but this chick TOTALLY kicks her ass.

Ali (with an i) Mills, The Karate Kid

Daniel LaRusso's Ali was a soccer player. This Ali is into motocross. I'm currently doing some research to find out if she has an overbearing blonde ex-boyfriend who is an amazing fighter but susceptible to crane kicks and little old japanese men. I'll let you know what I find out.

James "Draz" Andrews, PCU

I think while Jeremy Piven's Draz was throwing Pit parties and torturing prospective students, this Draz was hanging out with David Spade and talking about how great Reagan was. He still went to the George Clinton party, though... and had a kick ass time.

Sato, Karate Kid II

I would pay $1,000 to see this guy standing outside during a tsunami yelling, "MIIIYYYYAAAAAGGGGGIIIIII!!!!!" Wouldn't you?

Jonathan "Mox" Moxon, Varsity Blues

"Wearing a goofy tie and working in an office with purple walls may have been the greatest opportunity of your lifetime... but I don't want your life."

Josh Parker, Road Trip

As funny as this guy looks, he STILL manages to come off cooler than Breckin Meyer did in Road Trip. That has to say something.

Brodie Bruce, Mallrats

Okay, technically this guy's name is actually Bruce Brodie, but it's close enough. You can tell that he too is interested in the sexual prowess of comic book super heroes, just like Jason Lee was in the film. Only this guy is into it for different reasons... much creepier, different reasons.

Frank "The Tank" Ricard, Old School

This is what years of partying in a frat house does to you. Don't be too hard on the guy, though. He's got a big day with the wife tomorrow. Home Depot. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond if they have the time.

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b at 2:07 PM

two for tuesday

Two quick things on this busy afternoon.

1. Apparently my siren missed connection has set off a lot of hipster bashing on craigslist. I had no idea this would happen-- I thought all the hatred on craigslist was confined to the rants & raves section. Who knew? Good thing I wasn't looking for a Jew or a Muslim in my missed connection, god knows what would have happened then.

Last night I found out that I was flagged/removed. Why? I have no clue. I thought maybe it was because I ended the post with "Fuck George Bush," and perhaps he saw it and asked for it to be taken down. If so, that would be really cool, like the time Rob Thomas read something I wrote making fun of him on the best week ever site and called VH1 to ask them to take it down. In my opinion, Bush is almost as cool as Rob Thomas, so I'd be flattered if he read my work.

2. Remember Pitty? Of course you do. Well, I don't know what inspired him more, the end of the box office slump or the blog post. Whatever it was, something clicked. Pitty ended his 20-week sex-less slump over the weekend, sometime between 11 pm Saturday and 4 am Sunday. And well, let's just say Pitty ended it in the grandest of fashion... with this girl:

I shit you not.

Her name is Sabra, she's a bartender in the East Village, she's a bikini model, and she appeared in July 1997 issue of Playboy. In the interest of full disclosure, I feel like I should mention that Pitty wasn't even old enough to legally purchase a Playboy magazine in July 1997. So that's pretty cool.

Oh, and don't worry-- Pitty didn't lie to me. I saw it with my own eyes. Well, I didn't see IT with my own eyes, but I saw before IT with my own eyes, and that's good enough for me.

So congratulations Pitty, way to end the slump with a bang.

And that's that.

Fuck Rob Thomas.

-bob

--Update-- My craigslist post where I explain, "Hey, don't know why they removed my post, but you can check it out on this site if you want" has been removed. Is somebody out to get me? Does this somehow tie into the Jess Coen/Page 6 thing? Is this bigger than me? Is SD-6 involved? So many questions. So many unanswered questions. If I suddenly disappear, tell my mother that I love her.

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b at 4:42 PM

looking for hipster chick from siren fest

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: anon-85305009@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-07-18, 5:18PM EDT

Hey, I've never posted one of these things before. Don't judge me.

I saw you at siren fest on saturday and I decided I had to contact you. The only time I've ever used craigslist in the past was to get Killers tickets (before the sold out, both literally and metaphorically) and to buy some some Guided by Voices limited edition vinyl LPs, so I'm not sure exactly how this works. I guess I just write about you, you read it, and then you contact me. Whatever. I'm already sooooooooo over it.

So as I was saying, I was at siren on saturday. I originally wasn't going to go because the lineup was soooooo passe but my friends talked me into it. I mean, who hasn't seen Ambulance like a MILLION times? Who hasn't seen Brendan Benson at Pianos? Who hasn't been listening to Morningwood on their iPod for like MONTHS? I mean, get with it. The Village Voice makes me ill.

But anyway, I was at siren on saturday. We got there at 3 to see The Dears (snore), but I opted to walk the boardwalk instead. After taking some artsy voyeuristic photographs of unknowing minority children playing on the beach, I made my way back into the crowd of poseurs-- um, I mean "hipsters"-- to see Q and Not U. I'm so over them too, but since it's like one of their last shows I thought I might as well check them out. Whatever. They were cool I guess.

So anyway. After that my loser friends wanted to ride the Cyclone. Please. Like I was going to wait on that line? I rode that shit back in 2001 before siren got all COMMERCIAL and shit. Pssh. Anyway, while they were waiting on line I headed over to Nathans to grab a hot dog. And that's when I saw you.

I should probably describe what you look like, right? I mean, there were thousands of chicks out that day, so it would probably help if I described you accurately to narrow it down. Okay. You: Brown hair. It was up. You had bangs. You were wearing a vintage band T-shirt (not sure which one), a skirt with torn fishnets underneath, and you had wristbands on. Oh yeah, and you had long dangly earrings. And you were smoking cigarettes. And you had a funny looking purse with iPod headphones coming out of it. And you were wearing big sunglasses. And you had a gigantic beaded necklace. And you were wearing flip flops. And you were wearing a lot of eye makeup. And you were drinking Sparks. And you looked disinterested. And your friend standing next to you had her hair dyed red. And your bra strap was showing. Oh, and you were white.

Does that narrow it down enough?

Anyway, I'm sure like hundreds of other guys noticed you, so I should probably describe myself too. Right? I guess. I mean, how does one describe oneself? It's ridiculous. Whatever. Okay. I'm kind of tall. Like roughly 5'10." I don't know my exact height because I haven't been to a doctor or a gym since high school. I'm skinny. Like very skinny. Like, I don't eat. Like, don't let that Nathans hot dog fool you, I was only holding it to be ironic. So yeah, I'm tallish, skinny, and I have a beautiful dark brown eye. Singular. I mean, I have two eyes, but you can only see one because my jet black bangs always cover up the other one. So I have a brown eye. Oh, and I was wearing a black shirt (b/c I wear black on the outside because that's how I feel on the inside.) You know how it is.

You can check me out on myspace if you want. Whatever.

But anyway, I think you're totally cool and we should hang out sometime. Maybe go somewhere nobody ever goes to and listen to some music that nobody's ever heard of. What do you say? I mean, whatever. Either way. Whatever. Like I care. I'm already over it.

Fuck George Bush.

Later.

this is in or around coney island
no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

[Click here for link]

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b at 5:15 PM

Ask Bob Anything: Part Tres. THE ANSWERS: The Final Chapter

Thanks to everybody who took the time to ask a question. And thanks to everybody who took the time to read my ridiculous answers. I love you all. Now, without further adieu, here's the rest of them. Mike Jones!

If you had to make out with a transvestite what would you prefer? Pre-op or Post-op?
Deloris

just one

I don't understand the big deal about hooking up with a girl who USED to have a penis. Maybe I'm an "out of sight, out of mind" guy, but as long as I stick my hand down there and don't feel something floppy, I think I'd be okay with it.

I mean, let's say you're making out with a girl and she stopped and said, "Hey, there's something I should tell you... I used to have braces." You'd be like, "So what, you don't have them now, do you? You look good. Let's do this." Right? Of course.

Now, just replace the word "braces" with "man dong" and it's the exact same thing.
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Did you know that Soylant Green is made out of people?
Mr. X

I did. Though I didn't see the movie, just the Phil Hartman skit on SNL where he continually runs out and yells, "Soylent Green is made of people! It's made of people!!!" I miss ya Phil.
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Dear Bob,
I really like a girl, but I don't know how to tell her so I can find out if she likes me back. How do I go about doing this?
Your friend forever,
Slam

P.S. Assuming your response to my question results in success - How then, do I go about convincing her to let me stick it in her pooper?
the good DJ

First things first. The best thing to do is be forward with her. Don't come on too strong by telling her how much you like her, but instead ask her to get a drink after work. Now, if she says she's busy, don't worry. Either she's legitimately busy, or she doesn't want to seem desperate, but either way you should keep moving forward. A couple of days later, ask her if she wants to grab lunch with you. If again she says no, give it one more try a little after that. If you're 0 for 3, then chances are she isn't interested.

Now, if she is interested, onto part 2. The best way to convince her into letting you stick it in her pooper is-- believe it or not-- the opposite of what you do to get her in the first place. Don't be forward. Be sneaky. If it's dark and you're drunk and she's drunk, try it by accident. Worse case scenario she says "wrong hole" and you think "says you" and then you go back to doing the Christian way. This way, she'll just think you have bad aim and not that you're a dirty dirty anal freak show. Best of luck.
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Hey, remember that time I recognized you in Hoboken? Anyway, I was wondering: I used to be on the Marlboro mailing list, too, but my luck with them seems to have run out. I no longer receive any of the premiums--not even the magazine, which I LOVED. Do you still get the Marlboro crap? What have they sent out lately? I think the last thing I got was the "Cook Like a Man" cookbook.
The guy who recognized you

I too haven't received a decent Marlboro present since the "Cook Like A Man" cookbook. Perhaps my antics in Boston made news in the Marlboro office and they took me off the list.

It's really sad opening up your mailbox and not seeing anything from Marlboro anymore, right? I thought they were going to be in my life forever… I mean, that's what they told me... I guess you just can't trust these cigarette companies at all, can you?
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What's with your fetish for Puerto Rican girls?
AlexisT

Sorry T, but we've been over this before. I've had several fetishes in my life, but never a PR fetish. Yet. Call me.
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just one

if they were to name a new dirty proverb (i.e. dirty sanchez) after you, what would you want the maneuver to be?
Rob Holmes

Tough call. I wouldn't want it to be something too disgusting because we're talking the family name here. And I guess if I'm going to have my own dirty proverb it should be for something I've actually done. So here we go.

In college my roommate Eric had two girls from Vermont visit for a week. I couldn't stand them. They were obnoxious, annoying, loud; just irritating, irritating people. So, while brushing my teeth one night I decided that it was only fair if one of them allowed me to spit my toothpaste into her mouth when I was done. I gave her a guilt trip, saying how I let them stay in MY apartment for a week and never asked for a single thing in return. And the one thing I ask for she has the nerve to say "no" to? Horrible! Shocking! Well, after a few minutes of that, she agreed. It was gross.

So there you have it. Giving somebody a bob castrone = brushing your teeth and spitting it in their mouth. I think this could really catch on in the fetish community, don't you?
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The Yankees signed Jack Clark to a free agent contract in 1988 for $1,500,00 only to trade him a year later to San Diego (w. Pat Clements) for Lance McCuller, Jimmy Jones & Stan Jefferson. Who got the better of the deal??

People who were rooting against the Yankees and the Padres.

And if you could name All Star team of Yankees from '88 - '92 who would be on that team?
Brian Cashman

Well, I don't want to bore all my non-sports fans by going into extensive detail with this one, but here's a list of players who would definitely be on the team: Obviously Don Mattingly, Dave Winfield, Willie Randolph, Cecilio Guante, Ron Guidry, Dave Righetti, Ricky Henderson, Claudell Washington, Hensley "Bam Bam" Meulens, Matt Nokes, Bernie Williams, Melido Perez, and Danny Tartabull. Noticeably absent from the team are Mike Gallego Pat Kelly, and Deion Sanders-- mainly because when I was a kid I thought they were all pricks.
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What ever happened to those pants we used to wear called Skidz back in the late 80's? Why are Skidz no longer worn? Do you think they will come back one day? They were so comfortable.
michele

If we're lucky, Skidz will come back one day. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for Z. Cavaracci's to make a comeback too. In the 7th grade my mom was the best in the biz at finding them on sale at Marshalls.
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What ever happened July 4th 2000 on Dan's front lawn?
Christine

What happened on July 4th, 2000 will never be known. I don't remember it. You don't remember it. And there were no eyewitnesses. For all we know, I gave you a bob castrone right there on the front lawn. Unfortunately, nobody will ever know what actually happened, and for that reason, you're not allowed to brag to your friends that you hooked up with me. Sorry bitch.
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just one

1)Why did the Cobra Kai's single out Daniel Laruso? It couldn't have been just because of "Ali with an i." Do you think that maybe there was a homosexual subtext going on?
I will Crane Kick you in the fucking mouth if you ever imply that there was a homosexual subtext in the Karate Kid ever again. You've been warned.

2) What was so hot about Melissa Joan Hart? I never quite understood that one.
Some dudes dig the lazy eye. When I was a kid pining over Meg Ryan and Marisa Tomei, I actually decided one day that I should set my sights a little lower. So, I decided that I liked Clarissa from "Clarissa Explains it All." I figured she was cute enough, she was closer in age, and there was a good chance that if I ever went to the Nickelodeon studios in Florida we'd run into each other and fall in love. So, I decided I was going to force myself to have a crush on Melissa Joan Hart. Sadly, no matter how hard I tried it never stuck.

However, I will be completely honest here. I kind of like her when she grabs Chase Hammond and makes out with him while the Electrocutes are performing in "Drive Me Crazy." There's something kind of hot about that, even if one of her eyes is looking at him and the other one is looking at the floor. I'd still hit it.

3) Is the late Fred "Rerun" Berry in Heaven?
If he's not in heaven then I don't want to go.

4) If you could commit any Class-A felony in the world and not get caught, which felony would you commit? Not including: Binding and kidnapping Jon Sencio.
Binding and kidnapping Jon Sencio! Oh, shit, I can't use that. Ummm. Hmmm. Maybe I'd commit an act of terrorism just to show those damn terrorists that they're not the only ones who can get away with it.

Can I even type that? Am I on a watchlist now?

5) What is the all time worst lp-cd that you ever purchased. ("Glory of Love," by Peter Cetera is mine, so don't feel so bad)
Ron Mwangaguhunga
The worst one? God. I didn't purchase it, but I got the Yellowcard CD here at work one day. I listened to half of it before I took it out of my CD player and literally threw it in the garbage. The worst CD I was ever given was Megadeath's "Youthanasia" which a friend bought for me because I told him I liked the album cover. But as far as a CD that I spent my own hard earned money on, that honor has to go to Five For Fighting's "America Town." I heard the song "Easy Tonight" on the radio late one night and thought, "these guys have promise, I have disposable income, let's see what happens." I drove to Tower Records and I picked it up... then immediately regretted it. It would have been a CD that I completely forgot about, but then they hit it big with that awful "Superman" song. Now, every time it's on easy listening radio somebody will inevitably turn to me and say, "Hey Bob, don't you own this CD?" Awful.
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Why do sounds wake you when you're asleep? I mean, I can understand getting punched and you wake up -- but a knock at the door? A distant jackhammer? Sound waves can't be that harsh. Or can they?
Lil' Big Fat

Clearly Lil' Big Fat doesn't live in New York.

Much like building up a tolerance to alcohol, I believe you can build up a tolerance for sound waking you up as well. When I was living in Brooklyn they started construction on a new apartment building right outside my bedroom window. I was woken up every morning at 7:30 on the dot for months. Now granted, it sucked, but it did force me to get up early and go to the gym, so maybe it was a blessing in disguise. I'm getting sidetracked. What I was getting at was, eventually over time I was able to sleep through the construction.

When I moved to the lower east side I found myself getting woken up by car horns and fire trucks. Again, after a month of living there I can now sleep through those as well. So what's the point? I'm not sure. I'm still too tired to even think of one.

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Has the norfolk wiggling of the stumpfig actually clogged the gork?
john

And John wins the "what the fuck is this guy talking about" award. Thanks for playing.
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if one of the following had to happen, which would you prefer: crashing your car into a truck full of toxic waste or crashing your car into a truck full of human waste?
P

I would definitely choose the toxic waste because it would probably result in me getting some sort of superpower. But knowing my luck, it wouldn't even be a cool superpower. Instead of getting something like invisibility or the ability to fly, I'd probably just get the power to see 3 seconds into the future, or the ability to grow my nails really quickly.
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Okay, here's something I've been wondering: You know that MTV show where people undergo extensive amounts of plastic surgery in order to resemble their favorite celebrities (celebrities who have undoubtedly undergone extensive amounts of plastic surgery)? And you know how there's this rabid desire for celebrity porn? Wait. Those aren't my questions. Why has no entrepreneurial adult film company gotten its starlets to undergo extensive amounts of plastic surgery, making them resemble celebrities? Instead of silly monikers on unconvincing faces ("Britney Rears"), we'd have real pornography with ersatz Britneys, Angelinas, Camryn Manheims. Well, hopefully not Camryn Manheims. But it's big money, waiting to happen. So my question is: Why hasn't this been done? Is Alyssa Milano's mother to blame?
J

Yes.
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what's the weirdest lubricant you've used to jack-off too?
Cynhaha

That depends on what you constitute as "weird." Some people might think Vaseline is "weird," while other people might consider dead kittens to be "weird." You know what I mean?

I mean I masturbate with dead kittens. Shhhh.
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What the hell am I doing on this planet?
Dave

You're performing at the Comedy Company, every night at 8:30 & 11. You can get tickets online at Ticketweb.com! It's the best comedy show in Times Square, you don't want to miss it!

(Yeah, when I get back on stage I think I deserve some good spots for that. I'm a whore.)
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when will the new season of project runway ever f-ing start?!?
megan

Who cares??? Season 2 of Laguna Beach is just a week away! Surely the television event of the decade, if you ask me.
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Are you and your roommate heterosexual life partners? Do you see yourself with Brian for the long haul or do you think you'll eventually lose interest and find a new best friend?
Christie

Brian and I realized a while ago that we were, in fact, soul mates. Which sucks because we're both straight.

We decided though, that when the time is right we're going to make it official and get married. We might as well. We're still going to have sex with women, but at the end of the day we'll always have each other to come home to. I think that's kind of sweet, don't you?

For the record, I am now preparing myself for the call from my mom where she asks, "you were just kidding about that Brian stuff, weren't you?" She wants grandkids.
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what would you name your blog if you had to change it from "my blog is poop"
wurung1

"Girls. Pizza. Victory." It has a nice ring to it.
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Why did you help Karl Rove hunt down and destroy the Jedi?
Because I trust him.

just one

How did Tom Cruise purge the homosexual alien thetans from his flesh and mind yet keep all of his teeth?
I can't get into details here, but know that the answer can be found if you play "Risky Business" backwards.

If the Olsen "twins" (clones) become infected with Avian Influenza A (H5N1), will they mutate and merge to become a single hyper-entity or will they destabilize in a global anti-matter implosion?
The latter.

When the army of the risen dead attack our cities, does the culture of life dictate that it is wrong to kill those creatures? Or just reanimated celebrities?
The former.

Why does Sencio cry?
blamb

I believe White Lion said it best when they wrote:

When Sencio cries, let him know we tried
When Sencio fights, let him know it ain't right
When Sencio prays, let him know the way
Cause when Sencio sings, then the new world begins.

Also, he cries every time he hears the words "Starring Simon Rex."

|
b at 1:24 PM

Ask Bob Anything: Part Tres. THE ANSWERS: Chapter 2

Why won't John Sencio just talk to you?
Christina

Because he's not ready to settle down. He's not in "that kind of place" right now. He's focusing on his career. He just got out of a messy relationship. He doesn't have the time for me. He got drunk and lost my number. He's no good with commitment.

But if you say he's just not that into me I will CUT YOU.
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just one

Did you serve up that pitch on purpose to let me hit a walkoff homerun at my own party?
RI

My ego wants me to type, "Of course I did. Happy 4th, Elliot, and thanks for having us at your house in Rhode Island." However, the truth of the matter is, I have only 1 wiffleball pitch. It's a sort of side-armed 3/4 thing that does weird things sometimes and other times just lays flat. I was able to strike you out in the 3rd inning, but when you came up to bat with the score tied in the 6th it just didn't move. You hit it out of the park fair and square. Now please, have me back next year and I promise to throw you the exact same thing. I'll take the massive amounts of alcohol and food in exchange for the pain of losing anyday.
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Why does your girlfriend hate me?
Dashiell

Because she's Canadian and Canadians are inherently evil.
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If there was going to be a remake of 'Just One Of The Guys' who would you cast in it??
Rob

just one

Best question ever. First off, let me just say that I think it would be impossible to top the original cast. How could you top Zabka, Hyser and the guy from the Circuit City commercials? You just can't. But, since we're going to have to remake it, we might as well try.

Terry Griffith - Scarlett Johansson. She's one of the few people who could pull it off. She's gorgeous, but I think you can 'guy' her up enough to pass. I think she'll bring real depth to the role too. "Nobody takes me seriously, I want to be a journalist, I'll do whatever it takes" type stuff. And, most importantly, she has the goods for the infamous "Where do you get off having tits?" scene. You have to cast Scarlett, however if she's unavailable I'm going with Jessica Alba.
Rick Moorehouse - Adam Brody. He's alright looking, but not great. I think he could pull off the whole "new guy" thing well. And he's awkward yet cute enough where it's believable that Scarlett would fall for him. Of course, somebody will have to say to him, "No, Adam. Rick listens to James Brown, we can't change it to The Shins. Sorry."
Buddy - George Michael from Arrested Development. Because I love the kid and I think he could pull it off. It'd be nice to see him in another role, and I think he'd make the bumbling Buddy that much funnier. And I'd love to hear him say, "All balls itch, it's a fact."
Mr. Wonderful - Tom Brady. He'd be the greatest football player in a movie since Brett Favre.
Greg Tolan - Sean William Scott. How do you re-cast the immortal Billy Zabka? It's tough. You need somebody blonde. You need somebody strong. You need somebody who can deliver lines like "That's because he's a tulip" in a believable way. That's why Sean William Scott is the way to go here. No contest. I couldn't even think of a backup. It's Stifler or it's nothing.

So there's my cast. Unless of course they want to re-make it with an all black cast like The Honeymooners or Can't Buy Me Love. In that case, it goes:

Terry - Beyonce
Rick - Nick Cannon
Buddy - Keenan. Or Kel. Whichever one is on SNL.
Mr. Wonderful - Zeus from "No Holds Barred"
Greg Tolan - Mekhi Phifer

Of course, we'll also have to find roles for Steve Harvey, Anthony Anderson, and Omarion, but I think we could figure something out. That, and in the climatic scene where Rick urges everybody to pick up their tables to get back at Greg, we'll have to replace the tables with gats. Could somebody make this happen?
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Who is actually interested in woman's professional basketball and why is ESPN pushing it so much?
Mr Blah

Clearly somebody at ESPN lost a bet. "Dude, I bet you I could make women's basketball popular!" No way man, impossible. "Bet you I can." You're on. "What are the provisions?" Well, you get 10 years, you can dip into the NBA's pocket for spending money, and I'll even give you as many promos as you want on ESPN. You still won't be able to do it. "You're on."

And that's where we're at. This man is fighting a losing battle. Time is running out.
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WHY DID YOU TELL EVERYONE I WAS GETTING MARRIED??!!!!!! IT RUINED MY GAME FOR AT LEAST TWO DAYS!!!!!!!!!! NOT AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!
DOCTORAWESOMEFUCK

Two days? Jesus, that's like 30, 40 bitches. I'm sorry Dr., it will never happen again.
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What would be on your Summer 2005 mix CD?
-

Great question. Off the top of my head:

1. The Ponys - Get Black
2. Beck - Girl
3. Shout Out Louds - The Comeback
4. The Affair - Honey
5. Art Brut - Emily Kane
6. Kanye West - Diamonds From Sierra Leone
7. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - Is This Love?
8. Spoon - Sister Jack
9. The Hold Steady - Your Little Hoodrat Friend
10. Kings of Leon - Soft
11. Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc
12. Mike Jones - Back Then
13. Oasis - Love Like A Bomb
14. Saul Williams - Black Stacey

Or something like that. Maybe. I don't know. Bah.
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have you ever been eating and coughed in your hand mid-chew and some of the chips/sanwich/soup ends up in your hand? should we reach for a napkin or eat it (b/c it's food and there are starving kids and such)?
ali

Actually, you should put it in an envelope and send it out to the starving kids. It would be wasteful if you didn't. (This tip sponsored by Live 8- Be Aware. Be Very Aware)
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Why are midgets and really short men so attractive to me? Can you find me a midget or really short man to have as my very own?
morgan

Well Morgan, I think you like really short guys because you enjoy dominating men. That, and because you have a really shallow vagina and you know that chances are short men won't be able to hurt you like bigger men can.

Secondly, I would gladly help you try to find a midget of your very own, but I don't think I'll be able to. When you walk around New York you really don't look down. 99% of the time you don't want to know what you're stepping on. I could walk through a pile of money and not know because I don't want to risk looking down and seeing a pile of dog shit under my shoe, or a dead baby. Here in NY, there's a good chance it could be either of those.
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Why do I watch 'the deadliest catch'?
Steve K

1. Because it's on TV
2. Because you like watching people die.
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Since you've been sick this week, a few relevant questions: Why does diarrhea come in waves? How can you avoid the splash from the bowl coming back at your butt when you take a shit?
Thanks.
AR

Well, AR. While I was sick, it wasn't diarrhea sick. However, I'm still gonna try to answer your questions.

Diarrhea comes in waves because if it didn't we'd be fucked. Work productivity would go down, people wouldn't leave their houses so the economy would suffer, and well, everything would smell like shit. Luckily, with a proper diet, we're able to avoid this scenario. Of course, it doesn't help when you have evil terrorists like the Mexicans that poison their water in hopes of bringing down the US. We're onto you, Mexico.

And as far as the splash from the bowl, maybe you should sit somewhere drier? Like the floor.
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Do you think 90210 would have been better if Brian Austin Green had shot himself rather then that other kid?? And would said other kid have released a rap album if he had stayed on the show instead???
Some Dude

I think the better question is: Would the dorky kid in the cowboy hat have been able to nail Vanessa Marcil instead of B.A.G? You know he's thought about that every single night for the past 14 years.
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1. When do I get my paragraph and segue? (And it better not be in the answers to Ask Bob, because then it will be lost in everything, and I'm WAY too cute to be put in among all of that.)
Dammit Kat, foiled me again. I thought this was going to be my chance.

2. How do you keep your jewfro so manageable?
Surprisingly, it doesn't take much. I finally broke down and got some curl managing stuff, but usually I just throw my head in the sink and see what happens.

3. Which Harrison Ford character do you most want to have sex with?
Dr. Norman Spencer from "What Lies Beneath," solely because he had that experimental drug that made it impossible to feel your muscles. I think I'm going to want that if Harrison Ford is riding me.

4. What is your favourite smell?
Girls. Pizza. Victory.

5. What is the craziest thing you have EVER seen in person?
Kat
Nothing exciting. But this question reminds me of the time I snuck into the TRL studios while I was interning at MTV because I heard they were giving away free weezer tickets that day. I ended up sitting next to a cute, innocent teenage girl from Oklahoma who was here on vacation. We were talking before the show started and I asked her, "So, what's the craziest thing you've seen since coming to New York?" She answered, wide eyed, and dead serious, "Yesterday I saw these two guys walking down the street holding hands." And that was it. Part of me died, while another part of me fell madly in love with her. If only she had left Times Square and headed down to Christopher Street... her head might have exploded.
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Why on Earth do I spend so much time reading this crap? Is my job really this boring?
chickenfight

Yes. And apparently it's even worse than you thought, because now you're Commenting as well. It's time to rethink your career.
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Have you ever donkey punched a hooker?
Timbo the Handsome

Have you ever hooker-punched a donkey?
J

Thus far in life, all of my encounters with hookers have been amicable. However, I would gladly hooker-punch a donkey if I had any clue what exactly that entails.
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Did you know that Ryan Seacrest is the University of Georgia's most prominent celebrity right now? I was wondering if you could fix this problem by killing him.
cgpop

Don't you have an alumni association that could take care of that sort of thing? I'm sure they'd be more than happy to.
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why havent they put parker lewis can't lose out on dvd yet? seriously. i need me some corin nemec.
mia

It's an absolute travesty. Every week they put out more shit on DVD when they should be concentrating on the good stuff. Here are the top 7 things I want to see on DVD, now:

Parker Lewis Can't Lose (series)
Airborne
Just One of The Guys Collector's Edition (with Zabka commentary)
The Legend of Billie Jean
Hull High (series)
The Street (series, starring Jennifer Connelly)
The Secret Life of Mary Margaret: Portrait of a Bulimic (HBO movie starring Calista Flockhart as a girl who throws up into Tupperware and stores it in her closet. We watched this in health class back in '96 and I'd do anything to get a copy of it).
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can you explain the difference between a stromboli and a calzone? no one seems to know, and it's destroying my soul.
Cristin

One is bigger and thicker than the other. I'm not gonna say which, but let's just put it this way... I'm a stromboli. Ba bop!

(note: I have no clue what that means. I totally made it up. I'm sorry)
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Let's say Canada totally turns heel on America and announces a massive jihad. Let's also say that you sleep late that day and miss the big news on the t.v. all morning and that when you awake your Toronto-native gf is standing over you with a silencer pointed directly at your forehead. Would you...

a) knock the gun out of her hand and then break her neck with your bare hands, Seagal-stizz.
b) gently use reasoning and explain to her how much you love her and how she loves you deep down, Lt. Frank Drebin in Naked Gun-stizz.
c) turn heel yourself and go on a treasonous interstate American killing spree, Natural Born Killers-stizz.
Dan

Well, I wouldn't go C because my girlfriend is so addicted to coffee that we'd get arrested at a Dunkin Donuts before we ever got out of the city.

And I wouldn't go A because I'm not Hard to Kill or Out for Justice.

So I guess I'd go with B: Frank Drebin-style. That way, if everything worked out, she and I would spend a wonderful day together running on the beach, spraying ketchup and mustard onto a street vendor, and laughing at Platoon. All the while Herman's Hermits will be playing in the background, and something would tell me that I'm into something good.
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Rank these TV MILFs in order of fuckability and explain your choices.
1. Debra Barone - Call me crazy, but I like her.
2. June Clever - She was hot, right? I don't really remember.
3. Marge Simpson - She looks good when she lets her hair down. And is it me, or is she always horny?
4. Carmela Soprano - I bet if you're drunk you can convince yourself that she's hot. Just get out of there in the morning... I don't even want to think about her sans-makeup
5. Estelle "Sophia" Getty in the Golden Girls - She'd rock with the dirty talk.
6. Cindy Walsh - Yep, I'm putting her after Sophia. She'd be soooo boring in bed. You know that's why Jim moved the family to Beverly Hills, to score some sweet Cali ass on the side.
me
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Why can't we be friends?
Smashmouth's lead singer

Because you suck.

(part III, the conclusion, coming tomorrow)

|
b at 5:24 PM

Ask Bob Anything: Part Tres. THE ANSWERS: Chapter 1

Why is your blog called 'My blog is Poop'? Will you please change the name of your blog? Please?
Anonymous

Anonymous, you have no idea. I really wish I could. Seriously. I named this thing My Blog is Poop because it was literally the first thing that popped into my head. I titled the page, then IM'd it to my friend Nelson who was sitting next to me to make him laugh. I had no idea I would end up getting stuck with it. But here I am. Poop. *Sigh*

It is my blessing, it is my curse.
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if your blog is poop, does it smell bad? and if so, how are you dealing with it?
bery larg balls

See what I mean?
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shane mcgowan

have you ever shaved your balls?
Rob Holmes

Yes, and I will never do it again. I'd really rather not go into the specifics of the story as it's an embarrassing one, but let's just say it ended with little bumps, paranoia, a doctor's visit, and the line, "No, it's not an STD. Now stop shaving your balls."
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Why didn't God make bacon healthy?
jeff

Because there's no way you could say that Jews are the chosen people if bacon was both tasty AND healthy. That would just be mean.
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Does Axel really make you feel welcome in the (his?) jungle?
Eric

How could you not feel welcome? I mean, they have fun and games. What more do you need? I mean granted, now you're gonna die, but depending on how great these fun and games are, well, that's a risk I just might be willing to take.

Now, on to a quick "Welcome to the Jungle" sidenote. This song is unarguably one of the best songs to drunkenly sing in a Japanese karaoke bar ever. If you disagree, well, then I don't think I want to be friends with you anymore. Crazy Mike, who I've mentioned in this blog several times, actually tore his ACL while performing "Welcome to the Jungle" because he jumped off a table and a friend of his jumped onto his back. This may be the first karaoke induced ACL injury in the history of sport. I'd say it's hilarious if it wasn't for the fact that now it's unlikely Crazy Mike will rush for 2,000 yards ever again. His promising NFL running back career is over, all thanks to Axl's fun and games. Nice job.
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if you suck your own dick are you gay?
Anonymous
You use your hand to masturbate, right? Does that make you gay?

Just don't swallow.
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mick mars

You've been given the task to put together the world's ugliest band using alive or dead musicians.
Who would you choose?
Why are so many bass players so unattractive?
-Kate

First of all, Kate, I take offense to your bass player generalization. No, not because I actually play bass, but because whenever my friends and I lie to people and say we're a band I'm always the imaginary bass player. Except for one time in San Diego when I was in the bathroom and my friends told the waitress I was the keyboard player. I was so upset by that I didn't talk to them for an hour. I'm a fake bass player, dammit, not a fake keyboard player. There's a difference.

Okay, now to answer your question. My ugly band would go:

Guitar - Mick Mars, Motley Crue. The guy looks like death.
Guitar - CC Deville, Poison. The guy looks like death. Oh, I said that already? Well, he does too.
Bass - Scott Shriner, Weezer. The ugliest guy in a pretty ugly band. That says something.
Drums - Lars Ulrich, Metallica. We're just used to looking at him. When push comes to shove, he's really really ugly.
Lead Singer - Shane McGowan, The Pogues. Tough category. Shane narrowly edges out Lemmy from Motorhead and Janis Joplin.
Producer - Ric Ocasek. You can't make an all ugly team without including Ric.

Now, with that being said, I bet you this band would put out one hell of an album, or at least be really fun to see live... assuming you don't stare directly at the stage.
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Now that we've gone a whole season without hockey did anyone really care that it was gone? And don't say Canadians.
Some Canadian Dude

Hockey's back!!! Wooo!!! They reached an agreement!!! Hockey is back!!! YES!!! Look out world!!!! It's BACK!!!!

Did you buy that? Exactly. I think that answers your question.
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Have you ever been to the Midwest?
How do you think your life would be different if you lived in Des Moines or Lincoln?
Anonymous

I've never actually been to the midwest, but have looked out the window on a cross country flight and said, "Wow, people actually live here." Does that count?

But as far as how my life would be different being from the midwest, wow, where to begin? For starters, let's pick one of the two cities to set this in. I'm going with Lincoln, because I know it's in Nebraska, and if you gave me 2 or 3 guesses I could probably point to Nebraska on a map. So I live in Lincoln, Nebraska. Now, for the purpose of this exercise, let's say that I was born and raised there. That way I'm not a cynical New Yorker thinking I'm better than everybody and bitching about how I can't wait to get out of this "hellhole" and move back to NY. So now I'm a native Lincoln-er. So here we go.

Well, to start, since I'm 25 I'm probably married. My wife is a moderately attractive Midwestern blonde woman who put on a few pounds after our second kid, Hank, was born. I'm working at the Lincoln Gazette-- or a newspaper with a similar sounding name-- as a reporter. I mainly report about things going on in and around Lincoln, but I have my own humor column in the paper as well. It's called Bob Being Bob! and it features a humorous picture of me with my lips pressed firmly together and my arms folded giving a great "Why I Oughta..." face. In my column I talk about how ridiculous people outside Lincoln are. My most famous column (and by 'famous' I mean 'the one that the most people cut out and put on their refrigerators') was a piece I wrote in 2004 titled, "Paris, Stay Out of Lincoln!" where I begged Paris Hilton to keep her "not-so-simple life out of my town!" I became somewhat of a local celebrity for that. I'm such a cad!

Oh God, is it wrong that I don't want to stop writing? The possibilities are endless. Let's put this on hold, and I promise to come back eventually and go on about my life in Lincoln. The Oxycontin addiction alone makes revisiting this a must!
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let's just say you have a friend in the biggest slump of his professional life(a slump directly proportional to the hollywood box office slump in both severity and length) and you were out with said friend on let's say a thursday evening. if you began talking to two women, one of whom has a good body but obvious white trash and the other looks like a goblin. would you pull a brian or would you cut bait and try to help your friend find a slump buster?
anonymous

I think we went over this Pitty. Keep on truckin.
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briana

now, why the hell am i attracted to really hot girls in real life but end up checking out really normal girl porn? is it the 'i could actually get this girl' thing? little help.
chadwicksaid

That's a good question. I don't think it's because of an "I could actually get this girl" thing, unless of course a hot pornstar once stopped what she was doing and turned to the camera to tell you to stop masturbating because you just weren't good enough. I think it's because-- get ready for this-- there's more of it. It's easier. The good stuff is harder to find, and/or more expensive, the amateur stuff is everywhere. If anything, this says more about your personality than if it was simply a "I can get this girl" thing. You take the easy way out. Try harder, in real life, and in porn. If you set the bar higher you'll be rewarded for it. Don't settle. Do it for me. Do it for yourself.

(Wow, I really think I just made a difference in that guy's life, don't you?
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If you could visit any planet, which one would you visit? What if you were a monkey, then which one?
Denver

Uranus!

Lolololololol! I am precious!
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does nyquil actually help a sore throat? I'm pretty sure only anti biotics can help a sore throat and you know, it's not good to start a dependency on something like nyquil if it's not going to take your pain away...
a girl!

Nyquil makes me sleep, and you can't feel a sore throat when you're asleep. And for the record, I've discovered that Nyquil also makes me more creative. I smell an addiction coming on, don't you??? Party time!
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Let's say President Bush went on television tonight and announced that there would be a vote held to re-institute black slavery.

The structure of the vote itself would be identical to that of a standard government election: To vote, you must be registered to your home state and the vote is completely anonymous.

What would the results be? How would you see the percentage breakdown? How would you vote? And if near-ratification was possible in your mind, what does that say about our society? For all the pop culture posturing, have we truly made any significant strides in race relations in our country?

Also, do you shave your ballz?
Dan

First of all, there is very little that Bush could do at this point that would surprise me, so I can easily picture him going on the air and announcing that he's going to bring back slavery. Couldn't you?

Needless to say I would vote against it. I mean, I have hundreds of black friends... okay, make that dozens of black friends... okay, 3 black friends... okay, there's like this one black guy I work with who every once in a while says "hi" to me... and I could not imagine a world with them (him) enslaved. It's an awful thought, even if I don't know the guy's full name.

I'd like to think that in the end the vote would go against slavery, but then again based on our recent voting history (read: our American Idol voting history) I'm no so sure which way it would go. Can African Americans vote too? If so, I'd like to think that the vote would go against the re-institution of slavery.

And as far as my ballz go, please, enough with the ballz.
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laguna

will season 2 laguna beach be even more addictive than season 1?
I'm not sure, but I can't wait to find out. I think it's going to be rough centering the show around Kristen. LC was genuinely likeable, but for some reason a lot of people can't stand Kristen (and when I say 'a lot of people' I mean 'girls'). I don't know if I'm going to buy Talan as a heartthrob, and I'm not sure they're going to be able to top last season's Cabo episode... but hey, even if it turns out to be awful, we're still talking about hot OC girls running around in bikinis. And what's more addictive than that?

what should i do about my friends that still refuse to believe that its real?
mia

Tell them I said so. And I shot a featurette for the DVD, so I MUST know the truth.
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Do you pronounce "pen" and "pin" differently?
Mimi

I do. I also pronounce "Aaron" and "Erin" differently, something that I've never heard a single person in the state of Maryland do correctly.
-------------------------------------------------

1. What do you think of Jason Mraz?

I don't trust him.

2. What exactly is a "Holla back girl"? Are you one?
I don't think I am. Am I? Hmm. My shit is bananas. Huh. Shit, now I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight until I figure this out. Thanks a lot.

3. What would you do if you saw John Sencio on the street?
Follow him. Probably for a couple of blocks. I'll text everybody I know something like "Im bhind Sencio! Following him! Wow!" I'll debate saying something to him, but by the time I figure out what to say he'll be gone... off doing something awesome, I'm sure.

5. Is this a stupid question?
Um, have you read the other questions? No, you're cool.

6. What are you going to name your children?
Marisa Gesualdi

Well, I decided a long time ago that I am naming my son ThunderDick. Capital T, capital D. I'm perfectly cool with ThunderDick dropping the family name at the end so he won't have to be ThunderDick Castrone. Just ThunderDick. Sure, he'll be teased as a kid, but since I'm a good father, once he finishes up with puberty we'll move to a new town so he can be the hot new guy in school... named ThunderDick. I don't think he'll have any problem finding a prom date.

Oh, and I'm naming my daughter Herpes to keep guys away.
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Are you coming to my Blogday Party?
winneroftheSAT

See, this is what happens when I wait a week to answer these. I guess the answer is a retroactive "no." And actually, to be honest, I've never been to a 'blogday party' and I'm probably going to do all I can in my power to never go to a blogday party in my entire life. If I'm lucky. No offense, naturally. Hope you had a good one.
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What would you have Gallery of the absurd draw?
FurorScribendi

Billy Zabka standing in the Cobra Kai dojo. Only instead of his master standing alongside him, it's... Sencio. I'd pay upwards of $1,500 for a mural size paiting of that.
-------------------------------------------------

mike jones

who is mike jones?
m

My favorite rapper in history. Ever. He's a God.

But I'm not the one who should answer that question. Just call (281) 330-8004, hit Mike Jones up on the low because Mike Jones is about to blow.

Jesus, I'm white.

(Part II coming tomorrow...)

|
b at 3:58 PM

a tale of two slumps

So I have this friend. Now, normally when I write about my friends I don't hesititate to include their names, phone numbers, sexual preferences, etc. However, since what I'm about to write involves my friend's sex life (or lack thereof), I decided I had to give him a nickname to protect his innocence. So, for the purpose of this post, let's just call him Corey Patterson.

Why Corey Patterson? Well, for those of you who don't know baseball (or who could care less about baseball), Corey Patterson is a promising 25 year-old outfielder for the Chicago Cubs. In 2004 he hit 24 homers, drove in 73 runs, and stole 32 bases, so everybody expected really big things from him in 2005.

Well, this year Patterson has been a total disaster. He's batting just .232, he only has 24 RBI's, and his on base percentage is a dismal .270. And last Thursday, to add insult to injury, the Chicago Cubs actually demoted him. They sent him back to the minors, Major League III stizz.

So, today we're going to call my friend 'Corey Patterson,' or 'Pitty' for short. Unfortunately for Pitty, we aren't able to solve his problem as easily as the Cubs did theirs. We can't send him down to the minors, because minors are illegal, and the last thing we need is for Pitty to spend time behind bars because he was desperately hitting on a 15 year-old girl on her way back from day camp. No. The minors are definitely not the way to go here.

Here's the deal.

About a month ago Hollywood's box office slump started making the news. Everybody was talking about it. Week after week the US box office failed to improve upon last year's numbers, and people started openly wondering if this year's slump was going to break the record of 18-weeks in a row set in 1985. Sure enough, it did.

Well, a couple of weeks before it tied the mark, I was sitting around with my roommate Brian and my buddy Pitty. Since I'm the media guy, I decided to bring the box office slump up in conversation to see what my buddies had to say about it. When I told them that we were currently riding a 16 week long slump, Pitty sat back in his chair and said the following:

Pitty: 16 weeks? I think my slump is 16 weeks too.
Me: Are you serious?
Pitty: Yeah, me and my ex broke up about 4 months ago... and I haven't been with anybody since.
Me: Holy shit.
Pitty: Yeah.
Me: What's it like playing with Nomar? Did you ever meet Mia Hamm?

In a bizarre twist, we discovered that Pitty's slump and the Box Office slump had been running neck and neck. And like the US box office, every weekend Pitty had been trying to desperately end it but just couldn't pull it off.

The Longest Yard? Boy, I'll say.

We had a party a few weeks ago. Pitty historically thrives at parties. At one point I looked over and I saw him talking to a girl who seemed genuinely interested. He had her close. He had her laughing. He had her... leaving.

Kicking and Screaming? Yeah he was.

Pitty started breaking out old tricks. Moves that had worked in the past, but for some odd reason weren't working now. You'd think the classics would be the way to go, but it just ended in disappointment.

Batman Begins? Yeah, but the streak just kept on going.

He tried hanging out with proven stars, like our good friend and ladies' man Crazy Mike in hopes that the additional star power would propel him to success. It didn't work.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith? Pitty couldn't get either of them to fuck him.

Bewitched? He must've been.

So now we're in July. The box office slump officially tied the mark set in 1985, while Pitty was racking up the second longest sex-less streak of his life, right behind the one that lasted from 1980 to 1999. Things were bad. Very bad.

Herbie: Fully Loaded? That wasn't the only thing that was fully loaded.

Much like Steven Spielberg and Tom Cruise, Pitty was hoping for a big Fourth of July weekend. The previous week, he met a girl down in Ocean City, Maryland. She was fairly cute, and they ended up making out at the bar... but when the time came to seal the deal he wasn't able to get it done. Pitty headed back to New York disappointed, but there was a ray of hope. The girl... hmm, let's just call her Jesse Spano for fun... the girl loved New York and really wanted to come to visit. So there was Pitty's big chance. Because at this point (this one is for you indie lovers) Me, You, and Everyone We Know wasn't putting out for Pitty.

So Spano arrives. High on caffeine pills, she burst through the door singing, "I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so... scared, Zack." After Pitty informed her that his name wasn't Zack and that she should calm the fuck down, he went to work. Spano came all the way up to NY for one night only, and Hollywood experts were licking their lips with anticipation that the slump was finally over.

Rebound? That's what everybody was thinking.

But it wasn't meant to be. Something went horribly wrong. Maybe the totals were miscalculated, maybe the nice weather had something to do with it, or maybe it because she was on her period. Whatever. It didn't happen. The streak stayed alive.

Well, this past weekend the comic book flick Fantastic Four officially ended the box office slump at 19 weeks.

Fantastic? Yeah, maybe for them.

But Pitty's slump lives on.

How long will this thing last? Nobody knows. The one thing everybody can agree on is that it's gone on far too long already, and a lot of time and energy will be devoted into figuring out exactly what went wrong. Pitty, though, is holding out hope. Positive that help is on the way and the end of this streak is just over the horizon.

Hustle & Flow? Hey, whatever it takes. Whatever it takes.

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b at 2:27 PM

gothamist gets around to interviewing a real comic

Friend and comedian Dave Rubin was interviewed by gothamist. Check it out here.

I'll be back with a real update in a little bit. True.

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b at 10:49 AM

Excuse me, can I bother you for a while?

Hi, I noticed you from across the bar talking to a few of your girlfriends. I was wondering if perhaps I could stand here and bother you for a few minutes. Do you mind?

Here, let me buy you a drink. It's the least I can do considering I intend on occupying the next 3-7 minutes of your life and filling it with a one-sided conversation and uncomfortable come-ons. So let me get that next cosmo for you. Sound good? Great.

Ha ha, got ya! Honey, you just made a huge mistake. Now that you're sipping a $9 drink paid for by yours truly, you are officially stuck with me until you finish it. It's practically illegal for you to do otherwise. If you turn around and blow me off now I'll be forced to tell everybody in the bar that you're a "stuck up bitch" and you wouldn't want that, would you? Of course not. It's a big drink too, so it looks like I just bought myself an addition 6 or 7 minutes of quality bothering time. Man, I'm excited!

Just a heads up, pretty early on into the bothering I'm going to ask you what you do. Believe it or not, that's one of the most crucial things when it comes to me bothering you. Oh, I don't care what it is. Fuck, you could be a high powered attorney or a sanitation worker who spends her day trudging through the shit filled sewers of New York, it doesn't make a lick of difference to me. The only thing that matters is that I have a witty response that I can pass off as spontaneous even though I've used it a thousand times before. It's actually not as hard as you would think.

"A teacher? Man, if I had teachers like you when I was in school I would have paid a lot more attention."
"Oh, you're in PR? Are you anything like Lizzie Grubman?"
"A lawyer? Don't sue me!"

Aren't I clever? Of course, right after you're done laughing I'm going to switch gears. By taking a breath, lowering my voice, and touching your elbow while I say, "But seriously, I think it's great. Teachers really don't get the respect they deserve" you're going to realize that I'm not only hilarious, but sensitive too. And that is totally what I need you to think so I can take you home to bone.

Wow, you're really plowing through that drink, aren't you?

I just want to let you know that so far it's been an absolute pleasure bothering you. You haven't used any of the common defenses, like, "Sorry, we're having a girls night," or, "Sorry, we're all married," to get me to leave you alone. Not that it would have made a difference. I'm the king of sticking around. Remember when you were 19 and went to dance clubs, and as you were dancing a guy would come up behind you and start grinding on your ass? So to get away, you and your girlfriend would hold hands and do the old switcheroo so the guy would get the hint. Well, I was the guy who wouldn't get the hint! I was the guy that would think, "Wow, it looks like the friend wants me all to herself! Score!" See, so you're really fighting a losing battle here.

Bad news. While you pulled one of your girlfriends over to start talking to her and in effect shut me out, I grabbed the waitress and ordered you BOTH drinks! Told you I'm the best. I know $19 is a lot to spend on two drinks plus tip for two girls that want nothing to do with you, but come on, it's only money. Speaking of money, what do you think of this watch? It was $2,000, but I figured, hey, I'm worth it. Besides, what's the point of making money if you're not going to enjoy it right? Ahh, I make a lot of money. I know you don't care, but saying it makes me feel better about myself, so please humor me for a second. Money money money money money. There, much better.

Oh, your girlfriends are making you leave? That's cool.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Where are we going???

That's right bitch, I'm coming with! You think a little barhopping is going to defer me? Nigga please! It doesn't matter if you go next door or if you're hopping a cab to Astoria, I got nothing better to do. My Zog softball game isn't until 2 tomorrow, so I can stay up alllll night. And even if you don't put out for some reason, fine by me. That just means I'm just going to end up bothering some poor waitress at Brother Jimmys extra hard tomorrow after the game with all my Zog teammates. It's the circle of life.

Now you're not feeling well? Yeah, you did pound those drinks pretty fast, you must be wasted. Can I get your number? No? Fine. Here, let me give you mine. Call me anytime, I'd love to see you again and bother you some more. Seriously. Call me.

Now if you'll excuse me, it's getting late, and there are plenty of girls here left to bother. Maybe I'll find the love of my life tonight. Or, maybe I'll find a drunk college girl who will let me fingerbang her in the ladies room. Either or.

Goodnight tiger. Roar. (Call me).

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b at 11:10 AM

it's official

A lot of people have asked me, "Do you think Aaron Karo knows about your blog?" After all, I do tear into him on a monthly basis, so surely somebody MUST'VE passed that along to him by now, right?

Right.

About a month and a half ago Alexis T told me that Rachel was interviewing Karo for gothamist. Finally, it was our chance to officially find out on record whether Karo knew about "Guess The Karo" or not. Rachel was going to ask him about My Blog is Poop, and we'd finally find out once and for all what he has to say about it.

Would he lash out at me? Would he use this interview as an opportunity to say things like I'm jealous of him, or I'm not worth his time? Or would he say something so mind-blowingly hilarious that I'd be knocked down to the floor, numb, and not knowing if I could go on? I mean, this was his big chance to put me in my place. To shut me up. How would he do it? I won't keep it from you any longer. Here we go:

My Blog is Poop runs a feature sometimes called "Guess The Karo" mocking your column and having readers guess which answers were really from your column and which the blog's author made up. How do you feel about this and how have you or would you respond?
God bless the Internet!

There you have it people. There you have it.

God bless the Internet.

And God bless you, Aaron Karo. God bless you.

Bonus: Here's the complete archive of Guess The Karo's, in case you wanted to brush up.
Guess The Karo I
Guess The Karo II
Guess The Karo III
Guess The Karo IV
Guess The Karo V
Guess The Karo VI
Guess The Karo VII
Guess The Karo VIII
Guess The Karo IX
Guess The Karo X (with special Guest Karo's Dave Rubin & Alex Blagg)

And as always, Fuck me!

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b at 10:16 AM

Dear Tom Cruise,

Hi Tom, how's it going? The reason I'm writing you today is because, well, I haven't been doing so well recently. I've been sick. Real sick. In fact, on Monday afternoon it was so bad I literally couldn't even move! Can you believe that?

Well, yesterday morning after much debating I decided to suck it up and go to the doctor. The doctor performed all sorts of tests on me, and after reading the results she informed me that I had strep throat. (note: Yes, you read that correctly, I wrote "she." Women doctors! Crazy, right???)

Anyway, when I asked her what I should do about my strep throat you won't believe what she said-- she said to take medicine! Medicine! I could've sworn she was going to say something like, "Convert to scientology" or "Believe in Xenu and all will be well," but no! Instead she prescribed Biaxin and Ibuprofen and told me to visit my local pharmacist and pick them up as soon as possible. I was floored. I stopped dead in my tracks and asked myself the question I always ask myself in situations like that: WWTCD? What would Tom Cruise do?

Tom Cruise wouldn't listen to some stupid "doctor" about what "medicine" he should take to get better. No, Tom Cruise would jump on the exam table and lean over and shake the doctor until she dropped her stupid "pen" and her stupid "prescriptions" and keep on shaking until all her stupid "degrees" from "med school" fell off the walls. Right? That's what my Tom would do.

I didn't want to defy you, I really didn't. I mean, if I didn't listen to you and I started taking drugs to make me feel better, the next thing you know I'm starring in "Suddenly Susan" and you're going on national TV talking about what a fool I am. I didn't want that to happen. But my throat realllly hurt. So I took the doctors advice and I got the drugs she prescribed. And today, no lie, I feel a lot better.

I know what you're thinking, Tom. "You don't really feel better. I know whether or not you're feeling better, and you're not feeling better." But I swear, the drugs really made a difference. You should really reconsider and try them sometime... maybe they'll make you less crazy.

So in conclusion, I just want to say that I'm still your number 1 fan, and you can ride my tail anytime (Get it?), but I'm going to keep taking drugs to make me feel better whether you like it or not. I'm sorry. Let's agree to disagree.

All the best,
Bob

p.s. - I almost forgot, congratulations on landing that hottie Katie Holmes! How did you ever pull that one off??? You stud! KIT.

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b at 3:52 PM

Ask Bob Anything: Part Tres

Get this. For the first time since the age of 10 I have strep throat. I don't know who to blame: the guys who threw me in the pool on Saturday, the kid whose leg I was biting to avoid getting thrown in, the dirty dirty people I shared a flip cup table with, or that 9 year old boy I've recently been hooking up with on the side. Whoever did it, know this: I hate you.

With that being said, it's come to my attention that we haven't done an Ask Bob Anything in some time. So let's bring it back. For those of you who are longtime readers-- I'm looking at you, John Sencio-- you'll know that the only rules are 1) post your questions in the comments or email them to me and I will answer them, and 2) Don't ask me anything I've answered before because I won't answer them again. That's it.

What's been asked? You can find it all here, here, here, here, here, and here. So if you're really really bored, check them out.

I'll answer them all next week (but that doesn't mean i'm not going to continue posting this week, so be sure to check back). Remember, I'm here to help.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go drink some Nyquil and cry myself to sleep. Again. Farewell.

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b at 1:19 PM