How To Make A Hip End of the Year 'Best Albums' List
-- Before you begin, make sure you pre-empt your list by saying/blogging/writing in your journal that there weren't many great albums out this year and that music sucks in general right now. If you don't, people will assume that you derive pleasure out of making lists about your favorite things. And that's soooo unhip.
-- Remember to include at least one (but no more than 3) hip hop albums. This shows that you are receptive to all types of music (except everything but rock and hip hop) and that you are "down." Don't get fancy, stick with what works: Kanye, Outkast, and A Tribe Called Quest are always safe, even if they didn't release an album this year.
-- If you don't plan on naming a couple of Import albums that don't come out in this country until the Spring of next year then stop reading right now and get the fuck out of my blog.
-- This should go without saying, but be sure to include one band that nobody's ever heard of. This is a good time to list your friend's band's 3 track EP that he gave you one night when you were out drinking. Including his band's album on your list accomplishes two things: 1) it's a safe bet they're completely unknown, and 2) it makes him happy. Hooray.
-- Don't include your actual favorite album. It may have been good when you started listening to it, but now it's cliche. Deal with it.
-- Make sure to include an album that just came out. This will lead people to believe that you got an advanced copy months ago and had plenty of time to get into it. But WARNING- BE CAREFUL- make sure it's not something that will become popular or produce a radio-friendly single in the next couple of months. Nothing will kill your indie cred than including the next Killers on your next Hip List.
-- If you're gay, don't feel obligated to include the new Madonna album. We'll just assume.
-- Space out your "The" band albums appropriately. It doesn't matter if you like The Subways the second most and The Comas third. You throw those two bands next to one another on a list and it's going to look like it's 2001 all over again. Be careful.
-- To really drive home the point that you're not mainstream, add a list of "Albums that just missed the cut." There-- and ONLY there-- do you include the bands that had a song on the radio in 2005. That way you can look at everybody else's lists and say "Oh... Bloc Party? Yeah, they just missed the cut on my list. What, you had
Silent Alarm at number 2? Ouch."
-- Speaking of Bloc Party; If you MUST include them you better rank the Remix album higher than the actual album. You know, to make a point.
-- And finally, the best advice of all: don't make an End of the Year 'Best Albums' list. Because you, like, don't have the time for that kind of stuff. Totally. Totally.
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b at 7:01 PM
Tyra and Pam: Together at Last
As the clock struck 5 today I though, "Hmm, what am I going to write about? I have a couple of ideas, but I'm not sure what I'm in the mood to do." Then I turned on "The Tyra Banks Show" just as she yelled, "PAMELA ANDERSON" and I thought Bingo. I'm going to liveblog what's sure to be a monumental television event.
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5:01 The one and only Pamela Anderson Lee (sans the Lee) emerges from backstage in some sort of white outfit that looks like she found it at a costume shop in the "Slutty Astronaut" section. This is going to be great.
5:02 Pam and Tyra take a seat across from one another. If this was 1996 I'd be in heaven. I'd be laying down on my stomach with the remote in my hand and adjusting accordingly for any movement down south. The whole time I'd be hoping and praying that Jenny McCarthy would come out and the three of them would take their tops off and wash a car or something. Yeah, that's what I'd be doing. Unfortunately, it's not 1996 and I'm not in my living room. Instead I'm in an office sitting at my desk, and worried that if I start adjusting accordingly somebody's gonna walk by my door and report me to Human Resources. Maybe I'll close the door.
5:03 Pamela says something that makes the women in the audience pretend not to hate her. This is a recent development in the life of Pam that I'm still trying to get used to. Back in the day women openly despised her, but now for some reason they pretend to like her. When did this happen? She's done nothing in the past 10 years to endear herself to women, unless you consider getting bigger breast implants and banging the guy from Sugar Ray feminist causes. Pam defies explanation.
5:04 Tyra asks her about her kids. Tyra, stop it. I don't want to hear about this.
5:05 Pam admits to "always" feeling insecure about her looks. I find this shocking, considering 76% of her mammaries are visible right now. Insecure people don't dress like sluts for attention, do they? Oh, they do? Okay, nevermind.
5:06 Now this is why we're here folks. To prove to all the women in the audience that a supermodel and a Playboy playmate have flaws too, Pam and Tyra compare gigantic foreheads. The contest ends when Kelsey Grammer emerges from backstage, smashes his gigantic head on the glass coffee table, and yells "YAHTZEE!"
5:06 Pam and Tyra mime washing a car. Stop teasing me. Tyra takes this opportunity to cut to commercial. I take this opportunity to look up naked pictures of Pamela Anderson online. Everybody wins.
5:10 We're back. Tyra asks the creative "Why is your show named 'Stacked?'" question. This leads to Pam declaring that her breasts are smaller than her costar's breasts. Uh oh. I've seen the show before... I think I know what's coming.
5:11 Yep, here we go! The pleasantly plump girl from "Stacked" comes out from backstage. Her name is a Marisa. This is a far, far cry from 16-year-old Jenny McCarthy fantasy. I'm going to do my best not to be mean here.
5:11 Tyra asks Marisa 'why do kids look up to you?" Probably because they can't look around her! BAM! Okay, I'm done.
5:13 While Marisa babbles on about something (who knows about what. I-- like the other 4 heterosexual men watching Tyra at this moment-- am not paying attention) Pam just adjusted herself in her seat. She reveals so much tit I'm pretty sure I just saw spine.
5:14 Tyra tells the ladies they're going to play a game. I'll try to dumb it down for everybody so I don't lose you. Here's the premise: Pam and Marisa are going to have to decide if things are sexy... or not sexy. Pam shits herself out of fear she'll get one wrong. They begin.
Tatoos: Pam thinks they're sexy, Marisa does not.
Red One Piece Bathing Suits - Marisa answers "Sexy!" as Pamela grimaces. For some reason this makes the women in the audience applaud the show that gave them eating disorders in high school. I'm more confused than ever. Maybe they're all Hasselhoff fans.
Rock stars: The ladies agree - Sexy. I can sleep now.
And finally "Going Braless" - I'm not sure what Pam said about this, because when Marisa started talking about her large breasts flopping around I turned off the TV. By the time I came back, it was over. As was my time with Pamela and Tyra.
Thank you ladies, for creating daytime TV that's truly special.
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b at 5:02 PM
a fairly boring recap of my fairly boring weekend
Well, that title sells the shit out of this post, doesn't it?
Anyway, since I've been m.i.a. I figured I'd let you know what I've been up to. It'll be nice. We haven't had one of these long, rambling posts where I talk about mundane stuff in quite some time. We're due. Don't worry, this won't be too painful. Aside from movie reviews, various gripes, and Johnny Cash, I promise I'll also provide you with stories of drinking in excess and girls making out. Sound good?
Let's begin.
I should start by saying that I'm more relaxed, awake, and in a better mood today than I have been in quite some time. I attribute that completely to the fact that I have done practically NOTHING for the past 7 days. Nothing at all. I mean, I worked through Wednesday, I shot some
Post Show stuff yesterday, and I've been writing here and there-- but beyond that, Nothing. Now, normally 'nothing' bores me. I hate nothing. But for the past few months I've had a lot of something, so the switch to nothing has been nice.
It started last Monday. When I got home from work-- for the first time in god knows how long-- there was nobody home. Brian was back in Maryland for Thanksgiving. The Guy on The Couch was in Vermont. I had the entire apartment to myself. But rather than surf the internet for desperate local singles looking for a good time, or doing something productive like, say, cleaning or paying bills, I opted instead to watch
Chinatown for the first time ever. It was a good decision. Since it's a classic, it made me feel better about myself afterwards that I finally saw it. Normally I miss out on great films because I'd rather sit through movies like
Two Ninas and
Airborne than commit to a good movie for some reason. Well, after
Chinatown I vowed that I would watch at least 1 or 2 more classic movies that I had negelcted for far too long before the weekend was over. I failed miserably at that.
I did watch plenty of movies, though, and now that I think about it there seems to be an underlying theme to them. I watched
The Girl Next Door. Twice. Why twice? Well, the first time was because I caught 5 minutes of "24" on A&E and remembered that I am completely in love with Elisha Cuthbert. So I put it on and told myself I would only watch the first half (when she's 1/2 naked the whole time) but I would stop it there so I could devote the rest of the night to watching a good movie (
The Deer Hunter.) Didn't happen. Watched it all the way through. A couple of nights later when Brian was back home I started watching it again-- for the same reason-- and assumed that once he got sick of it we would go out. He didn't, so I ended up watching it in its entirety again. I have no regrets. It's a really great movie for a bad movie. That's the best way to describe it. And Elisha... seriously... wow.
I also watched
Garden State for only the second time ever. By the time it was over I decided that I was done watching movies about guys who meet amazing girls who push them and make them realize what love and life is all about.
Last night I saw
Walk The Line. Good movie, but it's no
Great Balls of Fire. Alright, I'm kidding. I thought it was great. But then again, any movie with that many Johnny Cash songs is going to be good no matter what. It followed the typical rock and roll movie formula to a T -- Yay! Good stuff is a-happenin', I can feel it!-- Uh oh, everythings falling apart, things don't look too good-- Yay! Redemption! But it was still good.
My favorite thing about seeing a movie in the theater is being obnoxious before and after the film. Last night, waiting on line to get in, I told Brian that I was going to be the guy who doesn't know anything about Johnny Cash but still tries to pretend he's an expert. So from that point on I would make loud proclamations like, "You know Brian, Johnny Cash wrote the song 'Hurt.' Nine Inch Nails covered it." And, "Back in the 80's he was arrested for tax evasion. I hope he pays taxes on the royalties he gets for this movie!" And, "I heard that critics are saying 'Walk The Line' is just like 'Ray,' but with white people." Brian threatened to leave if I didn't stop.
On the way out I was all prepared to be the guy who says "That was the second best Reece Witherspoon movie I've seen all year!" but I didn't, because instead I left thinking "that was a damn good movie."
Okay, I'm done with movie talk. You're not going to get that again. Now, before I move on to the pub crawl I need to tell you about why this weekend proved to be one of the most frustrating weekends ever: I had no cell phone. Yep. Friday morning my mom and her husband headed off to Pennsylvania for the weekend. Since they left early in the morning and they were both exhausted, one of them accidentally packed my cell phone. So I was phoneless for the weekend. Terrible. I'm only able to write about this now-- if you asked me to write about this on Friday it would have been laced with profanity and I would have passed out while doing so. If I was supposed to call you this weekend and you didn't hear from me: sorry. That's why.
Okay, moving onto the Crawl.
Wednesday night we made the late Rosa Parks proud. The largest Pearl River Pub Crawl to date, Rosa's had it all: car bombs, girl-on-girl-action, people passing out on the street-- and it goes on and on.
My partner and I didn't win-- we didn't even come close. This year, we decided to employ a different strategy: start off slow and steady, then towards the end, see where everybody else is at and just go for it. Like communism it was a good theory on paper, but that's it. By the time we had to make the push we were both too drunk to do it. Defeated. However, we did finish the crawl (always an accomplishment) and I don't think we have anything to be ashamed of. I had a headache all day Thursday, which is always a great consolation prize.
The Crawl's newest participants -
Alexis T and
aeki tuesday - learned a lot about Pearl River that night. Not only did they learn that we really are 100% honkeys, but they found out the hard way that the Crawl is a marathon, not a sprint. At the third bar the ladies were doing shots and proclaiming that they were in the lead. By the fourth bar one was throwing up in the bathroom and the other one was just minutes away from passing out on a park bench.
The fourth bar, Fennell's, also featured not one, but two female Pub Crawl participant making out with a local girl after a couple of Irish car bombs. That marked a first in PRPC history, which I'm sure made Rosa extra proud.
Other highlights of the Crawl included a 350-pound bartender wearing a shirt that read "I Beat Anorexia" and a near fight with a townie-for-life we went to High School with who stated, "There's only 3 of them-- I'll take care of business." He didn't.
The night ended with a 20-minute walk in the snow to the car of the one sober person in all of Pearl River who promised us a ride home. I was thankful that I made it another year without calling my mom at 5:30 in the morning and drunkenly asking her for a ride (like I did in 2003). It's all about the little victories. It is.
So that's that. That's what I've been up to. Now, back to normal. I decided I'm going to post every day this week because I miss it. So be ready. Hope you all had a good Thanksgiving, and thanks for reading.
Now be sure to stick around, so next year I can tell you all about the
2006 Pat Morita Memorial Pub Crawl. BONZAI!!!!
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b at 2:07 PM
It's almost time for the Pearl River Pub Crawl!
Many people think the holiday season officially begins on Thanksgiving. They're wrong. For a select few in Pearl River, the holiday season begins when
Dan sends out his annual Pub Crawl email to bring everybody up to speed and officially inform the participants about who we will be memorializing. He never disappoints.
Here's Dan's email, along with footnotes to explain a thing or two. If you're in the area and this sounds appealing, shoot me an email. We'd love to have you come out. Hey. Don't do it for us. Do it for Rosa.
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4th Annual Pearl River Memorial Pub Crawl:Before I begin, we at Pub Crawl Headquarters feel the need to address an issue that has been on our minds for some time now.
We have taken considerable criticism in recent months for the ongoing pattern of naming the
Pearl River Memorial Pub Crawl (now in its fourth edition) after a fallen African-American celebrity. First came
Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez in 2002 (Wear your seatbelt kids!), followed by
Fred "Re-Run" Berry in 2003 (Don't eat so much kids!) and finally
Old Dirty Bastard in 2004 (If you see a pile of crack, don't smoke it kids!). A trilogy of ebony tragedy, I say.
While admittedly eyebrow-raising, we at Crawl Headquarters maintain this is nothing more than a wicked coincidence. Unfortunately, the doubters remain. Some have viewed this pattern as suspicious practice, while others have derided the Crawl as an act of outright racism.
I bring this up not to cast a pall over what truly is one of the most prodigious drinking nights of the year, but rather because we are extremely hurt by this sentiment. We are Pearl River after all -- "The Town of Friendly People" for goodness sake! I mean, really. How could anyone perceive our predominantly-Caucasian, Irish-Catholic, politically conservative hamlet as perpetuating any brand racial prejudice? I know, I don't get it either.
Anyway, with that off our chests, please join us this Thanksgiving Eve for the
4th Annual Rosa Parks Memorial Pub Crawl!!!!
"Ah ha, hush that fuss/
Everybody move to the back of the bus/
Do you wanna bump and slump with us/
We the type of people make the club get crunk"For those new to the game this year, a brief history:
Established in 2002, the Pearl River Memorial Pub Crawl is a game that tests both skill and endurance in the dangerous yet ultimately satisfying world of binge drinking. The contest is made up of co-ed groups of two, in a 10-stop tour of bars spanning across beautiful Pearl River. The teams will each be distributed a scorecard and pencil, where they will track their drinking progress throughout the night. A rundown of the point system is as follows:
Beer = 1 point
Mixed drink = 1.5 points
Standard shot = 3 points
Tequilla shot = 4 pointsBack by popular demand is the
5-Point Super Mega-Score (TM) in the form of the infamous Irish Car Bomb (pint of Guinness, shot of whiskey dropped in beer). Swig a pair of those with your teammate and you've earned your keep.
The team with the highest point total by night's end will be crowned champion. An award presentation will follow. As always, the winners (and losers) are encouraged to sleep with each other if it feels right. But ONLY if it feels right. (I'm looking at you James.
(1))
Now for the legal business: Teams will be chosen at random on the day of the Crawl. There will be NO trading of teammates. Teams that do not complete the Crawl in its entirety are eliminated regardless of point total. Please stay with the group: Last year we were forced to drag Stephen Hodgkins
(2) into the woods and shoot him in the back of the head because he couldn't keep up.
The defending champions are Christine and myself and we don't plan on giving up the title without a fight. I've received a promise from Christine that she will defend her crown properly unless she is taken by the insatiable need to drag a sketchy dude into an alley (this is not unprecedented)
(3). Obviously, I permitted such a caveat.
If you have any other questions let us know. Remember to dress warmly. Good luck to all!
-CRAWL HEADQUARTERS
1. James is engaged to his girlfriend of ten years, Sam.
2. This is the requisite 'random guy who went to middle school with us for a year, but for some reason we all still remember his name' name drop. We're not the only people who do this, are we?
3. It's not.
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b at 11:40 AM
questions I want answered
Is it less gay to buy the Rent movie soundtrack than the Rent broadway musical soundtrack?
What goes through a guy's head when he's pointing a camera at his bathroom mirror with one hand and lifting up his shirt to reveal his abs with his other hand for a new Myspace profile picture?
Would you want to be friends with a guy who gets into Johnny Cash because of "Walk The Line" a year after he got into Ray Charles because of "Ray"?
Did they choose the name Yuengling just to make it really difficult for you to order one when you're wasted at 3:50 in the morning?
Is there any correlation between girls who saw New Kids On The Block in concert and girls who saw Titanic more than 3 times in the theater?
Would you think less of me if I told you I was watching Titanic on showtime while writing this?
Why do movie commercials say, "Now playing, only in theaters!"? Where else would it be playing? Who gets confused?
Should the first girl who flashes her boobs at Mardi Gras this year be deemed a Saint for returning normalcy to the region?
Am I the only guy in new York who doesn't play the guitar?
Ladies: what's the average number of times you have to stop a guy from going for the shocker before he actually gives up on it?
Why do we have signs on the subway for 1-800-IMMIGRATION? Why are there 4 extra letters on there? Why can't we just make it 1-800-IMMIGRA? They're immigrants! They won't know the difference!
Married people: So is it true or not- do you really stop having sex after marriage? Stop joking around about this, we need an answer.
Would you think less of me if I told you that in 1997 I bought the cassette single of "MmmBop"? Only semi-ironically.
Cool or creepy:
Dan and I wanted to call Laguna High last year and ask the principal "When do your high school girls go to Cabo on Spring Break?"
Why do most drug stores force you to walk through the toy aisle to get to the condom section?
Does E! really need a news ticker?
How come you don't have to pass a test to be able to vote but you have to pass a test to work at the Gap?
Have you ever started doodling sometheing, and somehow out of nowhere you end up drawing a swastika? So immediately you try to turn it into something else, like a kite, but it's still obviously a swastika?
What are you more uncomfortable ordering: tsunami rolls or gumbo?
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b at 11:58 AM
call me, call me anytime
Let's stop pretending we're cool for just one second and talk about something kind of embarrassing. Something humbling. Something that's happened to all of us, whether we're willing to admit it or not. Let's talk about the weekend that goes by when nobody calls you.
Yes, that weekend. The weekend where you check your cell phone every few hours to make sure it's still working. The weekend where you call your voicemail to see if someone left you a message when you were underground or in an area where you don't get service. And the weekend where every leg spasm and stomach rumble is mistaken for the long awaited vibration emitted from your cell phone. That weekend.
You experience many emotions during the Call-Free Weekend. At first you're relieved. Finally, you think, I can take a break from being social. That friday night, you welcome the break.
Saturday morning you wake up happy, however there's a twinge of disappointment when you discover that nobody drunkenly texted you over night or gave you a booty call. No matter. You're too tired to call anybody back that early in the morning anyway. It's all good. But by mid day Saturday you become a little confused. You start thinking about your friends and wondering what's going on in their lives. Is anybody out of town? Are people working this weekend? Is it a Jewish holiday? Something is probably going on... right?
Saturday night you're desperate. It's one thing for nobody to call you on Friday night: that happens. But Saturday night? People are going out-- you know that! It's Saturday night for God's sake! But still, nobody calls you. Even as you're out with the friends you already had plans with, you still look at your phone and wonder why your OTHER friends aren't calling you to see what you're doing. You decide they're all assholes.
When you wake up Sunday morning it's time to start evaluating your life. You know what, you're not that great of a friend. Right? You never call anybody- it's completely selfish of you to assume that they're constantly going to call you. You have to start putting a little more into this. Yep. Right. So you call a few people to get the ball rolling, but of course nobody answers their phone. You leave messages, which means that they'll either call you back soon to end the drought, or they won't. Which means you're a loser. You wonder if anybody else you know has ever had a weekend like this. You decide that they haven't.
By Sunday afternoon you just want your phone to ring. It doesn't matter who's calling. Anybody. You start thinking thoughts like, "Well, I haven't paid my ConEd bill in a while... they probably think something's up. I'm sure I'll hear from them soon." This is rock bottom.
Sunday night. You stare at your phone. You start thinking about your parents. How come THEY aren't calling? Maybe something's wrong. Should you call? No. You're being crazy. Just wait it out, I'm sure mom will call soon. So you wait. And you wait. And you start really wanting your mom to call. At that point, you wonder if this is better or worse than praying for the ConEd call. Things aren't looking too good.
When you go bed Sunday night you have no choice but to accept what just happened. You just went an entire weekend without a phone call. Not one. Not a "how's it going" call, not a "let's catch up" call, not a "what are you doing tonight?" call, and not even a "we're turning off your electricity" call. You're a horrible friend. A pretty bad person. An awful child. And you're unreliable when it comes to paying bills. But you're okay with that.
So you turn off your phone. Defiantly. There's a chance somebody will call you before you turn the lights off, but you know what? You don't care. You just had a Call-Free weekend. It happens to everybody. You're just going to have to deal with that.
And you're just going to have to pay that fucking bill too.
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b at 5:20 PM
Ask Bob Anything, to be continued
In the words of the soon to be deceased greatest character on television, G.O.B., "I've made a huge mistake."
I knew taking on questions this week was going to be difficult, but I went for it anyway. I was defeated. A busy week at work plus a busy
Post Show week made it damn near impossible. And I have the bird flu. I swear.
So I decided that I'm still going to answer the rest of the questions as promised, but rather than devote a week to them I'll answer them sporadically throughout the month. It's for the best.
But anyway, now I'm on my way to Boston for the weekend to drink excessively and try to pretend that the 2004 ALCS never happened. So if you see a drunk guy with curly hair chanting "1918! 1918!" that's probably me. I'd say buy me a drink, but chances are by that point I won't need one.
So I'll be back next week, refreshed, revived, rejuvinated, and re-something-else-to-end-this-sentence. Have a great weekend, and F Fox for cancelling the best comedy ever on television.
And remember: The jury is still out on science.
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b at 5:18 PM
Ask Bob Anything: Part IV - The Answers part 2
If a tree falls in the forest, who would you most want it to fall onto?
KatieScott Stapp. Which segues to...
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If a Scott Stapp solo project falls in the woods, and no one is there to see it...did it ever exist?
DanI hope so. Because 8 years from now some college kids are going to come across it a 99 cent bin at their local record store, buy it, and later that night laugh their stoned asses off. I think that's why Stapp put it out-- because Jesus wants us to laugh.
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what the hell happened to drawesomefuck? he was great...
AnonymousHe was great, and I miss him. DR, if you're reading this, come back. We need you now more than ever.
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What determines the stickiness of my poop? Sometimes it glides though and 'poof' a no-wiper, other times, I have to use half a roll of the Double Charmin thus defeating the purpose of the double-roll purchase.
BrandonThere it is. The requisite "your blog is poop so I'm going to ask about poop" question. God I wish I thought this name out more when I started.
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if you had to with absolutely no way of avoiding it, who would you have gay sex with and why?
a man who thinks you're hotOkay buddy, your name is bullshit. Gay guys aren't into me. I've had maybe one or two ever, and that's it. I think the reason is because I'm hairy, but I'm not big enough to necessarily qualify as a "bear." So don't go trying to flatter me by saying that you're a man who thinks I'm hot. Don't play with my heart like that.
Alright, so if I had absolutely no way of avoiding it, who would I have gay sex with and why? That's easy: Sean Connery. Because who wouldn't want to be able to say that they fucked James Bond?
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If you were recasting the original characters from Beverly Hills 90210 using the kids from Laguna Beach, who play who? Don't leave anyone out!
MeI'm going with the original casts of both shows on this one to make things easy. My answers, by the way, are so perfect I don't even think I have to explain them.
Brandon - Talan
Dylan - Stephen
Steve - Trey
Kelly - LC
Brenda - Kristin
Donna - Lo
David Silver - The guy that Kristin hooks up with in Cabo
Nat - There are no adults in Laguna Beach. None.
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Why must God constantly mock me?
DaveBecause God's big into prop comedy and you rely on clever observations. This is why you'll never be big in the Midwest or in heaven.
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Why are dry cleaners usually owned by Chinese people?
TracyWho knows? They're really smart though, so I'm sure there's some sort of underlying motive there. We'll find out soon enough... and when we do, we're all in trouble.
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Are you now or have you ever been a card-carrying member of the Communist Party?
J I haven't, though in all honesty I don't think communism is all that bad. I like parts of it. Like, I like how there's no inheritance and how all your money goes to the government when you die. It'd be great to see what would happen to Paris Hilton if that happened here.
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when is my move-in date? how many days a week do I have to cook/do dishes? what are the sleeping arrangements?
mindy Mindy, it'd be great if you moved in asap so you can help with The Post Show full time and/or walk around topless. Since I usually work late, you'll only have to cook a couple of times a week, and as far as the dishes go… well, Brian and I threw our dishes out recently instead of washing them (I'm not even kidding.) So that shouldn't be a problem. As far as the sleeping arrangements go, since we already have a guy on our couch you will have to share a bed with me, brian, or the couch guy. This won't be weird. Remember, friends share.
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If Zack and Slater got in a fist fight, who would win?
DelorisWhat do you mean if? They did! It looked like an even match, but we all know what would have happened if Slater really threw down. The guy was a 78 sport athlete AND a drummer. There's no way preppy Zack (who did ballet) could hold his own against Albert Clifford.
Don't worry, I'm sure we're only a few years away from seeing this play out on Celebrity Boxing.
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what is your etiquette when it comes to peeing in the shower? how about jerking off/masturbating in the shower? different rules for men vs. women? different rules if you're living with another guy vs. with a woman?
holmes I've never been a fan of masturbating in the shower. I can only come up with so many fantasies that involve rain, and they all get too distracting.
I don't get it. Can't you think of anywhere better to masturbate? Like your bedroom? Or the subway? Come on.
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The rest are on their way... I promise... It's been a busy f'n week
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b at 5:46 PM
Ask Bob Anything: Part IV - The Answers part 1
Alright, here goes nothing. The first batch of answers for the Fourth Installment of Ask Bob Anything. This doesn't mean I'm done taking questions, so feel free to continue to add them to the comments. I won't waste any more team, here are the answers. Thanks to everybody who participated.------------------------------------------------------
Based on your official female rating scale, who is the hottest female star?
TreyVery good question Trey. As a rule, we don't use the
rating scale for celebrities very often. Reason being: Celebrities are hot. Think about it. Can you think of an unattractive female celebrity under the age of 40 who isn't Kelly Osbourne? There aren't many. You're going to be hard pressed to find celebrities who fall below a 7, so make sure you take that into consideration when you're breaking them down and subsequently judging them.
Now, on record I'm going to say that I think Elisha Cuthbert is physically perfect. However, I acknowledge that she may not get the full 4 face points if we're going to go legit here. So, I'll tell you who the only 10 on the planet is: The girl who played Marta 1 on the first season of Arrested Development. No question.
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Is it socially acceptable to claim that you watch a TV show that everyone's watching, when you only read the recaps on Television Without Pity to catch up? I'm never home to watch TV, and I don't care enough to DVR anything except Law & Order. But people keep bugging me to watch The O.C., Alias, Lost, The West Wing, Desperate Housewives, Arrested Development, etc. Why not just read the virtual Cliffs' Notes and keep up with everyone else's favorite shows, so that when people bring it up I can add to the conversation without having wasted my time in front of the boob tube?
brianvanI don't think it's socially acceptable to lie about the TV shows you're watching. When I was a kid I would lie about movies I've seen, and to this day I'm not sure why. I guess to fit in. But I remember being in elementary school talking about Robocop as if I had seen it. I only quoted the lines from the commercials, and when I was asked questions about other scenes I would just wait for somebody else to say something and agree with them. I felt weird lying about that stuff back then, and I feel even weirder confessing to it now.
So don't lie. Admit that you don't have time to watch that crap and that you get your fix from
TVGasm (which is amazing, by the way.) Or, better yet watch
Best Week Ever. That way you can get brought up to speed on what's going on in pop culture, and you can even steal a joke or two from one of our trained comedians to sprinkle into casual conversation. It's a win-win situation.
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how do i explain what death is to my children?
moe bergKill one, then grab the other and go, "See?"
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With Thanksgiving right around the corner who will this year's bar crawl be dedicated to?
Some DudeWhen is the next Pearl River Pub Crawl?
Toot TootThe next Pearl River Pub Crawl will take place on November 23, the night before Thanksgiving. The cut off date for eligibility is tomorrow (election day) at midnight, so unless anything crazy happens it looks like we're going to be embarking on the 2005 Rosa Parks "Back of the Bus" Memorial Pub Crawl. I can't wait.
Of course, there's still a chance that Mohammed Ali could come from behind and take the title much like he did with George Foreman at the Rumble in the Jungle. We'll know tomorrow.
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why does it hurt so much to me alive?
AnonymousBecause you don't spell check.
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Who's the chick giving the thumbs up in the photo there?
DashiellThat chick is Beth, a good friend of mine from my days working at MTV. She's living out in LA now, and that picture was taken this summer when my friends and I went out there. Oh, and here's a fun fact. The other guy in the picture is Beth's boyfriend Patrick, who was the original guy standing beside me when I started this blog. That's probably an exciting fun fact for exactly 4 of you.
P.S. Beth is hot. In case you couldn't tell.
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George Bush, great president? or the greatest president?
Steven
Okay, I LOVE the Colbert Report. Love it. And when I explain to people how funny it is I always bring up this question.
I think he's a terrible president, but since that's not an option put me down for great. I mean, great is lesser than greatest, and since terrible isn't an option I guess that means I'm going with great. So put me down for great.
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What would happen if Carmen Electra came out with a line of denture care?
kkThere would be some really hot print advertisements with Carmen in a white bikini pushing an old man in a wheelchair and leaning over just enough to reveal two thirds of her breasts. And the tagline would be something cringe worthy like "Check out those pearly whites!"
And oh yeah, she'll pose in Maxim, FHM, Stuff, Men's Health, Details, Esquire, Radar, Gear, Maxim UK, Maxim South America, FHM UK, and at least 4 other magazines you've never heard of to promote it.
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what is the best get-rich-quick scheme you've tried that has worked?
holmesI've never had one that worked. In college I came up with the brilliant idea to start a website that was essentially an online alarm clock for college students. Since everybody who lives in a dorm sleeps right next to their computers, what you do is go to the site and set what time you want to be woken up. You can either choose one of the alarms we provide, or you can select one of your mp3s. I thought this was the best. So, I went and I bought Ioverslept.com and waited for the money to start pouring in. Unfortunately, I ran into a little problem when I realized I knew nothing about web design and that I was 18 and not very driven. So that ended there.
That was the most action I've taken with one of my great ideas. The next business I start is going to be a Break Up Bodega (BUB). What's a BUB? Let's say you have a bad breakup. You want your stuff back, but you don't want to see the person. So, you just go the BUB with their stuff, drop it off, and give them your ex's phone number. The BUB will call your ex and say, "Hi, so and so dropped off your GW sweatshirt and favorite Yankees hat. If you want it back please come by the BUB and bring his Billy Joel CDs with you." Coincidentally, I thought of this in college when I broke up with a girl from GW who stole my Billy Joel CDs. The BUB will make money through a small flat fee and commission if stuff doesn't get picked up in a timely fashion. Who else wants to see this happen?
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Which Sly Stallone character would you fight? Rambo or Rocky?
Mr. X Cobra. Actually, no. Cobra would kick my ass too. Lincoln Hawk, but if he asks me to start arm wrestling I'm out of there.
Who knew a 5'7" actor could be so intimidating?
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If you were forced to listen to one cd for the rest of your life what would it be, and why?
WillieI'm gonna have to do this twice, once choosing a Greatest Hits CD and once choosing a real one since Greatest Hits shouldn't count.
Okay. The first CD that pops into my head is Tom Petty's Greatest Hits. I think as a society we unjustly slight Tom Petty. The guy is a god. You could play Petty's Greatest Hits in a diverse room of people and nobody would ever complain. How come he doesn't get his due? Is it because we take him for granted? Is it because of that weird Mad Hatter video? Is it because he looks like a pedophile skeleton? Somebody needs to be held accountable for this.
But like I said, Greatest Hits CDs don't count. So let's see. It's going to have to be something timeless. It's going to have to be something that remains strong from start to finish and doesn't grate in the least. Since I'm obviously going to experience more than one mood in life, it's going to be something that I can listen to when I'm happy and when I'm sad. It's going to have to contain at least 12 tracks, because the repetition of a 10 track CD would be too much to handle. It's going to have to be something I can sing along to, and something that my friends won't mind being subjected to every time they come over to my apartment and I have music on in the background.
So, judging by these criteria it's clear. I'm going with "Middle of Nowhere" by Hanson. Just you try to stop me.
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Why am I so awesome?
Alex BlaggThat's a tough one. It's either because of your hatred for horses or because rumor has it you yell "You got Blagged!" at the point of climax. One of those.
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b at 5:51 PM
Ask Bob Anything IV!
It's that time of year folks. Time for the fourth installment of the award winning*
My Blog is Poop feature
Ask Bob Anything!What's Ask Bob Anything (ABA), you newbies ask? Well, try to follow here... you ask me anything... and I answer it. Bam!
Is anything off limits? No. Well, I won't answer any questions that I already answered in ABA 1-3, but that's it. Beyond that you can ask me whatever you want because (a) I know it all, and (b) it's fun to answer questions when you're not getting graded.
So ask away. You can post your questions in the Comments, or you can email me at Myblogispoop@gmail.com. Or if you have my cell phone # you can text them to me. Or you can send a stripper over to my apartment and have her ask me for you. Whatever's easiest.
Continue to ask away throughout the week and I'll continue to answer. The first batch will be up Monday. So here it goes: ABA IV. I'll be the Rocky to your Ivan Drago. Hit me.
*this is a lie, it's won nothing
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b at 11:06 AM
