Don’t Call It A Comeback. Seriously, Don’t. That’d Be Stupid.
Juno sucks.
It does, I’m sorry. I saw it with an open mind and you have to truly believe me when I say that I really wanted to like it. I thought I was going to, too. Michael Cera, a cute 20-year-old girl playing a cute 16-year-old girl and that catchy Moldy Peaches song won me over. It was the hamburger phone that lost me. A HAMBURGER phone. If you saw the movie, you know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t seen the movie, please, allow me to elaborate:
A FUCKING HAMBURGER PHONE.
I hope that helps. It wasn’t just the hamburger phone that turned me against Juno, though. It was the main character’s ability to consistently deliver the clever one-liners like a pregnant Don Rickles. She had a cute
Dawson's Creek-ish response for EVERYTHING. I know she was supposed to be “quirky” and “original” but since when does quirky and original mean “could write for
The Colbert Report at 16 while simultaneously pushing a baby out of her vagina”?
So the other day while I was getting frustrated and angry reading the overwhelmingly positive reviews on
RottenTomatoes I had a moment where I thought “I wish I had my own movie review site so I could complain about this piece of shit and lower its Fresh rating.” Of course, that would be wildly impractical and way, way more work than I’m capable of. But a light went off.
Didn’t I used to have a blog? Didn’t I have a place where I could write whatever I want whenever I wanted and a few people would read it? And wasn’t that blog... poop?
And just like that, I’m back.
A lot’s happened in the year and half since I said goodbye to this site. I quit my job at
Best Week Ever, made the move to Los Angeles, found myself a girlfriend and even got a couple of haircuts along the way. I’ve gone from living with Brian in a tiny 2-bedroom LES apartment to living with Brian and Jason in a beautiful house in Hollywood- and somehow we’re paying less here. We’re 2 Jews and a Viking trying to make it in the entertainment industry- if that doesn’t have “bad TBS original sitcom” written all over it, I don’t know what does. Suck it,
10 Items Or Less.
Anyway, ever since I started spending my days writing dick jokes with Brian and Jason full-time there’s been a blogging void in my life. That’s why I’m going to start posting here again. With
The Post Show and the other projects I’m working on, there’s a lot of lag time between conception, production, distribution and feedback- here, I know I can get people telling me I suck IMMEDIATELY. I miss that.
So here we go, My Blog Is Poop version 2.0. No, I’m not going to spend all my time complaining about movies (or hamburger phones). It’s going to be just like how it used to be, but better... hopefully... maybe... probably not. Actually, I’m just hoping the resurrection falls somewhere in between The Ill-Advised Spice Girl Reunion Tour and
Rocky Balboa. I guess we’ll see.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m heading out to go find a pregnant 16-year-old to discuss indie-cult-horror flicks and influential late 70’s punk pioneers with. It shouldn’t be too hard. They’re everywhere. Right?
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b at 2:24 PM
